Rating: R
Disclaimer: I do not own "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and I own nothing accept for my imagination. Joss Whedon and UPN, I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your characters. I’m just a fan and a minor.  Besides, I’m broke.  
Thanx to: Tiffany Jones for helping me pursue writing this.
Feedback: scarletibis24@hotmail.com

Magic Box- several days after Tara’s funeral

"Thanks for helping, Buffy." Anya said as she stood by the upsides down round table, staring at the destruction of her beloved store and thought about how much of her beloved money it would take to fix it.

"No problem, Ahn. Uh, have you talked to Xander?" she asked uneasily.

"No, I don’t think he’s ready to talk to me, or me to him." she said looking away. "Buffy, I kinda need to talk to you about the whole me and Spike thing."

Buffy stopped picking up debris, looking at Anya and not really wanting to hear what the "forth right" demon might say.

"It wasn’t meant to be a whole vengeance thing."

"I know."

"no, look. we were both very vulnerable and very drunk and-"

"No, I know all that, K? I don’t need details on you and Spike. I saw it." Buffy said w/ heatedly.

"You didn’t see what happened before that, did you?" Anya said accusingly.

"No, but it doesn’t matter." she replied solemnly.

"Buffy, it’s probably not my place, but I don’t care. I don’t want to see another relationship destroyed. He came here for a numbing spell. Instead, I found some of Giles’ leftover liquor." she paused and looked at Buffy, who was staring intently at a spot on the floor. "Anyway, we started talking and he was just as hurt as I was. I talked to all of you about Xander, but he was the only one who got it. He could relate.... I know you didn’t leave him at the alter, but whatever it was, it caused just as much pain." Anya bit her lower lip, hesitating to proceed while Buffy remained to stand idly around, still gazing at the floor. But now, her eyes were glazed.

"I’m almost certain you’re well aware of how much he loves you. What confuses me is why you can’t or won’t return his feelings. He said that you and Xander just can’t deal w/ the fact that he and I should of been dead long ago, but we’re the only ones truly alive. I think he’s right. Why is it that when it comes to feelings, you guys just shut down? To love and be loved is the most incredible feeling; it’s better than money and sex combined." she said w/ earnest. "Look, I’m not trying to start an argument, but it upsets me that you can pass up someone who’ll love you that much. I wish I were that lucky." She said looking at the floor herself.

"Don’t judge me, okay Ahn? You, sleep w/ Spike, yell at Xander for caring, and now you’re trying to lecture me?!" she yelled furiously.

"Look, I know I messed up. But I am not the only one. All of screwed up. He, it was just comfort. We just wanted to forget. Something to make the pain go away, even if for a moment." Buffy knew exactly what she meant.

"All I’m saying is that he needs you just as much as you need him. He’s not some soulless, evil, undead demon. He does feel. He may not be necessarily "good", but he’s not evil. He’s proved that more than once. If you can, be w/ the one you love." she said w/ half a smile.

"Anya, I can’t. He’s gone. He left and I don’t think he’s coming back." she said as she broke down and cried. Anya walked up to her and they held each other, both wanting solace in their scorned hearts.

______________________________________________________________

"We can’t change the way we were; but we can change the way we are. All I really wanted from this crazy love.... what I wouldn’t give to have this crazy love again. I believe in second chances, and I’m holdin’ on for sure to your crazy love.....

- Luther Vandross

______________________________________________________________

******************

*******************

"What have you done to me?" Spike said still on the floor.

"Ha, I gave your soul so you can give the Slayer what she deserves. You fool. You should have known that you could never be the true dark warrior you once were."

"So your bloody solution is to give me a soul so I can brood? What, walk around carrying more guilt than I had before. You stupid git! I---"

"Silence, you fool! You should be thanking me. The only way for things to ever be amended is for you have humanity, well, more of it."

"Amended? What needs---"

"You’ll find out in time. But now, you need to go back to Sunnydale."

"Can, can I ever lose...."

"No, unlike Angelus, your soul is not a curse, but a gift."

"Thanks for the ‘gift’ and all, but I can’t go back. I’m nothing but a monster in her eyes, and she’s right."

"No, you were a monster. But you’re far from it now. Now go; this is the path that you must take."

"Dear god, what’s happenin’ to me?"

****************

Several days later in Spike’s Crypt

"Clem?"

"Spike! Wow, you’re finally back. A little sooner than I expected but.... Hey, what happened to ya, buddy?"

"I, don’t wanna talk ‘bout it. I just want, I want to forget.... Stupid ponce. Why won’t these feelings stop?" He said as he sunk to the floor, voice breaking.

"Spike, you’re all black and blue, and burned. What happened?"

"I, I...." He finished his sentence in a trail of sobs.

"Have you even eaten? You look so weak and pale, well, paler than usual. But, not to worry. I’ll get ya something." He says as he exits the crypt.

Why a soul? Why do I even exist? I’m still nothing. I’ll never be anything, just stuck in the middle and... oh Buffy. What have I done to you, luv? He thought as she clutched his head while a steady stream of tears came down his face.

______________________________________________________________________________

"I, I have nothing. I, I have no one. They adore you, and love you so... I’m just a no one with nothing to give you, but I, I love you."

-Luther Vandross

______________________________________________________________________________

Living Room- Summers’ home

"So, Giles doin’ better?" Dawn asked.

"Oh, he sounded great. He’s way better." Buffy said as she went to sit on the coffee table across from sister, who was seated on the couch.

"And uh, Willow?" she asked w/ uncertainty in her voice.

"She’s uh, it-it’s hard to tell. Xander says she’s sleeping most of the time, and when she’s not, she just kinda stares off into space."

"Oh."

"Well, you know, it’s gonna take time for her to come to terms with-"

Doorbell rings.

"Who’s that?" Dawn asked as Buffy got up to answer the door.

"I don’t know, maybe Anya." Buffy replied as she opened the door.

"Hey, Buffy. Sorry to bother you."

"Oh, no it’s all right. Come in Clem."

"Hey Dawn."

"Hey Clem."

"Look Buffy, I really need to talk to you. I don’t know what to do."

"What’s wrong?"

"It’s Spike. He’s been back for a few days now, but something’s wrong w/ him. He hardly talks or eats. He just sits there."

Clem could see the shock, grief and relief strewn across Buffy’s face all at once. He saw the concern in Dawn’s face as she got closer and gently put a hand on her big sister’s shoulder. He wasn’t too sure on what she’d say. But that’s when he saw it. The most definite and raw reaction, though tiny as it was, it was clear as day. Tears began to cloud the Slayer’s eyes for a brief second before she batted them away.

"He’s really back? Where’d he go? What happened to him?" Dawn asked eagerly concerned.

"Just a sec Dawn. Clem, can you stay here with Dawn while I go see what’s up?"

"But Buffy-"

"Dawn please. Just let me see what happened, K’?"

Dawn relented and nodded her head. So much had happened, but she knew Buffy missed him, in spite of what happened and Xander’s ranting. But what really upset her was that Buffy still felt Dawn needed someone to watch her. But, she’ll get over it one day, Dawn thought.

***************

As Buffy walked at a fast pace towards Spike’s crypt, she couldn’t of thinking of what seemed like countless nights of lying awake, thinking about him; wishing he’s come back. Regretting the horrible things she’d said to him. Let yourself love me he’d pleaded with her. She thought that if she’d only been honest with him in the first place.... things would have been so much different; probably would have been better. They could of still been together. But she was scared, then he was gone. Even though she never told him she loved him, he left her anyway. Just like the rest.

The only comfort she found at his departure was when she’d lie in her bed at night, wrapped in his coat; his scent of liquor and cigarettes; the smell that lingered on that old leather duster of his. But even after all of this, she still wasn’t sure she was ready to face him, that is, without totally breaking down. She approached his chamber door, contemplated turning back, then went in.

***************

"Spike?" She whispered in an almost inaudible tone. Outside of the candles, it was dark. She didn’t see him, but she could feel his presence. She stood quiet and listened, then heard his quiet sobs coming from downstairs. She slowly approached the ladder.

***************

In a fetal position, Spike lied on his bed, turning his thoughts of despair to thoughts of Buffy and Niblet... then he smelled it, the scent that was forever engraved into his mind- Buffy. He immediately stopped his sobs when he sensed her coming, that she was there. He remained absolutely still. He then heard the soft movents of her boots hitting the pavement, then slowly descending the ladder.

"Spike?" her voice said, which she inadvertently felt revealed her grief and uneasiness. He was too stunned to respond. He just continued to lie there silently.

She came closer to his bed, the bed that they shared at one time.... She stood there, and gazed at him. He laid there facing her, his eyes still closed. She could see the stream of tears that moistened his cheeks. Cautiously, she sat beside him on the edge of the bed. He flinched and closed his eyes tighter at the closeness of her.

She lifted her hand and caressed his cheek with the back of her hand- her eyes swollen with tears that she refused to let flow.

"Spike, are you alright?" she said, her voice shaky. He didn’t respond.

"Well, could you at least let me know that you’re okay?"

That was when realization dawned on her. She saw the bruises on his face. She had not prepared herself to see him hurt. It reminded her too much of the day when Glory got a piece of him. But that had done it, several tears managed to free themselves of sad, hazel eyes.

"God, are you hurt all over?" Each second of seeing him like that made it ten times harder for her to stay under emotional control. He finally looked up at her.

"You, you shouldn’t be here pet."

"No, wha-what happened to you?" her voice trembling.

He slowly sat up and stared into her eyes; eyes that were glistening heavily from her tears. He wanted to hold her, but was to afraid to touch her. Not after the horrible thing he did, well, nearly did to her the last time he saw her.

"Buffy, I’m fine. You should go."

"No, Clem said you hadn’t eaten since you’ve gotten back. Maybe longer from the looks of it." Looking how much more paler he looked than usual. Much like the time when he first had gotten the chip and couldn’t feed.

Damn him! He thought. He thought Clem had gone out to play poker. He’d kill Clem for telling her! Or, hurt him a lot.

"Spike, there’s, so much has happened since you left. Jonathan and Andrew were in jail, Warren came back to my house and tried to kill me with a gun for foiling his plans." His eyes widened at this with concern for her.

"I’m fine, but one of his stray bullets hit Tara. She’s dead."

"Buffy, I’m so sorry. How’s Red doin’?" He said, as he fought an inner conflict of holding her hand or not.

"Well, Willow went crazy with the magicks and bestowed upon Warren a horrible, skinless, fiery death. She nearly killed Giles, tried to turn Dawn into a mystical ball of green energy, and tried to kill me, Jonathan and Andrew, who managed to escape to somewhere else. But Xander managed to stop her, with help from Giles." she said in monotone.

"Rupert’s back? And Dawn’s okay, right?" he said, cursing himself as he gently caressed her face, staring at her with those sad, blue eyes of his.

"Yeah. It’s just, it’s been so hard---" Her barrier of "a stiff upper lip" finally broke down completely. She began to uncontrollably cry.

"Spike, can you please hold me?" she said not looking at him. He didn’t answer, just gently embraced her. He wrapped his arms around her and put his chin on her head, petting her back. she held onto him as if holding on for dear life, feeling as if the moment she loosened her grip, he would disappear forever.

After several moments, she looked into his eyes for what seemed like the first time. He was just as teary eyed as she was, except for the extreme amount of fear lurking in his. She wasn’t exactly sure as to why, but decided to not ask him just yet.

"I’m gonna go upstairs and get you something to eat, okay?"

He nodded and thought about why she was being so good to him.

Part II

She knew they would eventually have to discuss "that night", but what was there to say? She knew he was hurting a lot, probably more than she was. He mostly just scared her. She wanted to hate him, but she torn. He had been right; she did feel the same way he did, though it took a long time for her to realize it. When she did, she was terrified. It brought up too many questions.

She knew he was genuinely in love with her, and that he’d do anything for her- hands down. But he didn’t have a soul. But what was a soul, really? And, if he could love her w/out one, how come Angelus hated her so much? How come neither was successful in killing each other or even hurting one another until they became involved? Were they truly a match? Two different sides of the same coin? Thinking about all of this made her nauseous.

She didn’t blame him one hundred percent for that night. She knew she was evil to him, You’re a thing; an evil disgusting thing. You’re just convenient. I could never love you. You can’t feel anything real. But she did love him, and she trusted him. But for some reason, she felt he could never know that. Xander was wrong. Even w/out the chip, she’d trust him with Dawn.

He might have been "William the Bloody" and "the Scourge of Europe", but that was in the past. He probably hadn’t killed an eighth of the people Anya did. Even so, some humans w/souls were more horrific and disgusting then he was. It’s not like he wanted mass genocide or something.

As for that night, she saw in eyes that he was scared; scared of losing her forever. She knew what that was like- to get that close to someone and then for them to just take it all away. It’s like for your most sacred dream to come true and to just end up being a never-ending nightmare. Maybe he’s suffered enough... after all, the most magnanimous act a person can do is to forgive.

She came back down w/the blood and sat down on the bed.

"Sorry I couldn’t warm it up, but no microwave."

"It’s all right."

"Spike, I want, no I have to talk to you about the other night-"

"Buffy, listen I’m sorry for that. What I did was-"

"No, it’s okay."

"No, it’s not okay, it’ll never be okay. I was wrong. I should of had control, but I, I just lost it. That’s never happened to me before. I always have control, and in that moment, I just lost myself..."

"Look, it made me realize some things. Honestly, I do feel the same you do. But I was just so angry w/ you, you know with Anya. And I tried so hard to hate you for it, all of it. But I couldn’t. I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me, and if I was honest with myself a long time ago, none of this might not have happened."

"You can’t think like that. What’s done is done."

"Spike, shut up. I wasn’t finish. I know what it’s like to for the person that you love more than anything to just shut you out and break your heart. I shouldn't have put you through that pain, being through it more than once myself." She looked at him right in the eyes.

" Spike, bullshit aside, I l-"

"Don’t, don’t say it."

"Why? I mean it."

"Because if you say it, I don’t think I’ll be able to let you take it back. I wouldn’t ever be able to leave you. I couldn’t let you go."

"Well, good ‘cause I wouldn’t want you too. Been through enough of that for one "Slayer" lifetime. Oh, and I love you." she said hastily before he could interrupt her again.

She’d finally said it, no regrets. She gently grabbed his face and kissed his cool lips.

"Now, eat up if you want your strength back." He was too stunned to move. He just looked at her and then his vision became blurred.

"Spike, don’t cry, please. Just, drink this, will you?" He continued to stare at her, and the tears ran over the brim of his eyelids. But he obeyed and gulped the jar of blood down. He put it down on the night stand, and continued to just look at his angel.

"Spike, I love you. I LOVE YOU. I. Want. To be with you. You make me happy, well , most of the time. I need you. Please say something." she said as she grabbed his hand. He didn’t. He just grabbed her and kissed her ever so gently.

"God, Buffy. I love you so much. Please don’t leave me."

"I won’t. Can’t."

"I’ll love you ‘till the day I’m dust luv. I’ll always be drownin’ in you, Summers."

Then she kissed him, softly and gently, which was so different from their usual hungry, raw, passionate kisses. This was more loving, though it contained just as much feeling.

"Spike, make love to me."

______________________________________________________________________________

"What’s it gonna be, ‘cause I can’t pretend. Don’t you wanna be, more than freinds? Hold me tight and don’t let go."

En Vogue

______________________________________________________________________________

meanwhile at Xander’s......

"I brought you some juice, Will." Xander said as he handed a glass of cranberry juice to a dreary eyed Willow, sitting up on his bed.

"Thanks, Xander." He gave her a nod and a smile and began to turn away.

"Xander?"

"Yeah Will?"

"Um, are you going out?"

"Well, I don’t have to. You want me to be all stay inny and talk?" He asked sincerely.

"Yea, I mean, I’m not really much for talking now, but maybe we can watch a movie? I’d just like someone, no. I’d like to sit with you." She said looking down at the glass.

"Of course, Willow. Nothing better than being here w/ my best bud." He said has he sat down next to her.

"Xander, I just wanted to say that no words could ever express how ashamed I am at myself. sometimes, it’s just so hard. I think about Tara... and what I did to Warren..." Xander placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.

" What terrifies me most is how I tried to hurt the people that I love. I tried to destroy the only family I have along with the world." Tears came down her rosy cheeks and her voice became weepy. "I don’t think I’ll ever live it down. How could anyone forgive me? Maybe it’ll be best for everyone if I just leave, at least for a little while."

"Willow, no, you belong here with us. We’re your friends and we love you and care about you, no matter what. We’re going to help you get through this, okay?" He said, looking at her.

"No, maybe it’s best that I go." She said, looking away from his brown eyes.

"Not so much, will. The last thing you need is to be alone. I’m not leavin. You’re my Willow, and I’ll always love you." He explained as he gave her his trademark Xander hug.

*****************

He caressed her face gently and then gently laid her down. He slowly lifted her light blue sweater over her head. She began to unbutton his dark blue shirt.

"Oh, you’re hurt." she said as her face filled with worry and concern as she lightly touched the burns and bruises.

"It’s all right. Doesn’t hurt anymore."

"You sure?"

"Yea, pet."

She then slid the shirt off of his shoulders. He started to kiss her jaw line, then her neck, and then lightly along her collarbone, then down between her breasts on to her flat tanned stomach. She softly moaned as he traveled down her body.

He proceeded to take off her boots and unbuttoned her pants when he decided to stop his ministrations.

"Buffy, are you absolutely sure ‘bout this? I mean, all of it?"

"Yes." she replied breathlessly from the anticipation of it all and undid her bra. He bent down and removed her lace panties and was about to taste her depths when she stopped him.

"No, later. I need you inside of me. Now."

He nodded as he looked at the extreme determination on her face. He slowly entered her. she wrapped her legs around his waist to bring him in as much as possible. They both moaned at the feel of it.

"Wait, sit up." He instructed her. She looked at him questioningly but followed his request. They both sat up and he placed her on top of him.

"I want you to move your hips in a clockwise motion, slowly." she nodded and wrapped her legs around him. He began to move in a counter clockwise motion so that they’d be moving together. It seemed to be excruciatingly slow, yet the pain was equivalent to that of pure bliss. To move in such a way and to be able to look directly into each others’ faces... she kissed him and moved her tongue at the same rhythmic pace as their bodies were moving and tightened her slayer muscles around his length. Feeling his coolness in her depth of heat was incredible. he wished he could get lost in her forever. For the world to just fall away, except for her.

"Buffy, I love you. I love you. I love you." His declarations of love turned into ramblings and changed into muffled sobs as he tried to cover them up by burring his head into the crack of his neck.

"Oh, Spike. Ah!" she reeled backwards, pulling him down on top; pushing him even further into her. He quickened the pace and felt her shuddering as she reached her climax. He, on the other hand, could barely hold on much longer, so he pushed her over the edge by pushing on her clit w/ his thumb. They came together.

"Make up sex pretty good, Spike. It was wonderful."

"I didn’t think of it as just sex you know. Though I must agree. It was incredible."

"Yeah, but as much as I’d like to stay and give it another go, I have to go back home. I should let Dawn know that you’re okay and relieve Clem. Plus, we’re supposed to go see Giles."

"Yeah, okay. want me to walk with you?"

"Actually, yeah, that’d be nice. Besides, I know Dawn wants to see ya. Besides, you’re hurt. You need some type of attention."

"It’s not so bad. I’ve suffered worse."

"I know."

"Right then. Let’s get some clothes on quick cause I must say, if I continue to look at you in the nude and all, we might shag till we pass out."

"Agreed. Now let’s go." She said as she playfully threw a pillow at him.

Though soon, danger lurked in darkness waiting to slowly kill and torture their reconciliation and new found happiness....