______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

Summers’ living room after Giles and Dawn’s departure...

"So, you gonna tell me about the bruises now?"

"Sorry, luv. Can’t, not ready for sharing."

"Well, in that case, you gonna tell me what you talked to Giles about?" she asked incredulously.

"Just your average ‘how are’ deal. Look, maybe I should-"

"Please don’t finish that sentence if it involves you leaving." she said, looking steadily into his blue orbs.

"Buffy, it just hurts so much to here, in this house. You were right, Buffy. I’m nothing but ‘an evil, disgusting thing." He said breaking her gaze and looking at his feet. "All I do is hurt people."

"No. That’s not true and you know it." She said, grabbing his shoulders and then raising his chin so that he would look at her.

"Spike, when I said those things, I didn’t mean it. I was kidding myself. I -"

"But Slayer, you were in denial for a reason. Buffy, you were ashamed of me, and I don’t blame you. Not only am I vampire, but no soul, remember? You were punishing me because I wasn’t Pe-, Angel and I wasn’t Capn’ Cardboard. And you were punishing yourself because I’m not them or like them, deep down, you loved me anyway. Or, so I hoped." He said with his spike grin, then tilted his head to the side and looked at her intently, locking her with his eyes.

"When you told me that you could never love me, it was like losin’ you all over again. To be that close to you and not have you.... Kinda reminds me of white bread."

She about questioning on what he meant, but thought better of it. She walked to the couch and sat down, his back facing her as he remained standing in the foyer.

"Spike, if what we have is only lust, I’d be able to banish it from my mind as well as my heart. But I can’t because, we have a passion- or a ‘dance’ as you’d call it. It’s not finished yet. Not until one of us dies anyway."

He slowly turned around and sat on the coffee table across from her.

"Life is to short. I’m not sure if I’ve got too many lives yet so listen to me." she said with wide eyes and grasping his room temperature hands.

"You are the one for me. You were right. No other man could ever truly understand me the way you do. Hell, since we first met, you could see things about me that others couldn’t. I want to be with you." he just stared at her unbelieving.

"I’m an adult and am completely capable of making my own decisions. I want you, all of you. I hope that you still want me."

"Always, luv." he said caressing her cheek.

"Hey, can you promise me something?" she said lowering her head. "Just promise no more ultimatums and leaving. I’ve had enough of those." she said nervously.

"Never, ever again. Promise." he said, then gently pulled her into a tender kiss. Buffy broke the kiss and beamed at him.

"Come on." she said as she got up and led him up the stairs.Spike, please stop!

"I- I can’t." he said shakily, eyes misty.

"What’s wrong?" Buffy said, looking scarred at the uncertainty of what he meant.

"I’m scared." he said with a strained voice. Then it dawned on her.

"The bathroom." she said almost inaudibly. He turned his head away.

"I was just taking you to my room. We’ve never been there like this and, well it means a lot to me." she gave a pleading look. It was true, they’d been everywhere else...

"Right, then." he said while continuing to ascend the stairs. They entered the room and he tossed his coat aside.

"Buffy, I want to tell you something." he said as he held her hips and locked eyes with her.

"Shh." she said while pressing her index finger to his lips. She leaned up and gently kissed him. He pulled her closer and lifted her up. They continued their kiss as he carried her over to her bed. He sat down so that she’d be on top this time. He wanted her to lead the dance this time. He needed her to be in control because he felt utterly drained of power.

He succumbed to her every demand, every wish, every touch. He wanted her to make him feel like everything was going to be all right, though he severely thought otherwise.

She pulled off his black tee shirt and softly placed kisses on his lean, muscular chest. He pulled her blue sweater over her head and unbuttoned her pants. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, and felt her wetness. She lightly closed her eyes at this, and closed them tighter as he moved his fingers in slow circular motions. He was good with his circles.

After a couple of minutes, she removed his hand from her and proceeded to move from him so that she could slip her pants off. As she did this, he did the same, but in a slower, more sensuous manner. He shook his pants away from his ankles and stood there as she gazed at his incredible erection for what seemed like the thousandth time, yet it never ceased to amaze her.

He stepped towards her and unclasped her black bra with ease and let the straps slide down her tanned soldiers. He then tenderly kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. She brought her hands up hi s back and grasped his shoulders, pressing herself into him....

As they made love for the second, third, and fourth time that night, he couldn’t stopped the tears. He cried out of happiness for having her in his arms, for her to hold him back.. But he also cried from grief, but not the typical brooding from all of the havoc he’d caused from his 120 years, but from the pain he caused her. He felt as if the feeling would never go away. He didn’t feel worthy of looking at her at that moment. He was too disgusted with himself.

"Spike, why won’t you look at me?" she said while cradling his face with her hands.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to." he said while taking a glance at her and turning away again.

"Spike, what happened to you? Where’d you go?"

"I, not now, please." he said while abruptly getting up from her bed. Buffy could feel herself tensing up from her frustration at her injured vampire lover and tried helplessly to hold back tears. She sat up and asked, " why are you shutting me out? Why won’t you tell me?"
 

"I will, it’s just, I don’t think now is the time, alright?"

"Then when is it time? I mean, you’ve got an eternity. When is it time for me?"

"If I tell you, it’ll just make you more upset."

"Please just tell me. I want to know. I need to know."

"All right then, but brace yourself, Slayer." Buffy pulled the sheet up to her and watched as he paced the length of the room naked.

"Okay, I left good ol’ Sunny D to get the chip removed from my head. Thought maybe it’d be better for the both of us if I could stop loving you. Seemed to me it was a whole lot easier when we was fightin’ and hatin’ each other. But I was stupid to think that. Me and you couldn’t even inflict real pain towards each other till we started to care." He gave one of his barely audible raspy laughs and stopped pacing. He looked over at her- his ‘effulgent’ angel. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.

"So, I took a trip and found this demon and asked him to restore me. Make me the way I was..." he said as his voice lowered. "So I had to do these trials, which were really nothing but fights and challenges to death against these other demons. That’s how I got the burns and bruises. And finally, he said that I’d passed. But he didn’t remove the chip..." Buffy held her breath out of anticipation of what he was going to say next. He sighed heavily and continued.

"Well, he made me the way I was, kept his promise in a manner of speaking. He, he restored my soul, Buffy." He lowered his head and ran his hand through his hair.

She sat there for a moment, watching and thinking until it all sunk in.

"Do you still have it?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yea."

"Well, I guess I wasn’t your complete happiness then, huh."

"What? Oh, no Buffy, of course you are, luv. It’s just that I can’t lose my soul. I’m not cursed. The soul is a ‘gift’. There’s no stipulation on me losin’ it unless by magic or something."

"So, let me get this straight; you left to get rid of the chip and instead got your soul- a soul you can’t lose, and are all upset and mopey ‘cause of your reasons for leaving in the first place right?" she asked as she maneuvered herself with the sheet off the bed, walking towards him.

"Yea." He said while watching as she approached him.

"And, you’re afraid that this’ll put a glitch in our relationship." she said, caressing his face with light fingers. He just slightly nodded.

"Spike, as many problems that we’ve had, this would probably be at the bottom of the list." She said while moving her hand to stroke his hair. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "Buffy, I’m just scared. I don’t want to lose you." Hugging him tighter in the embrace, she whispered back, " Never again."

*********************

The next day at Xander’s....

"Willow, you ready to go?" Xander called from the bathroom as he got ready to go to Buffy’s.

"I’m ready as in dressed, but I don’t think I’m ready to go face her and Dawnie. Maybe we can do this next week?"

"Sorry, Will, it’s been a long time already. You can do this. Buff’s still your friend and she wants to help." He said while coming out of the bathroom while buttoning his shirt.

"You believe in me that much, huh?" she said with a slight smile.

"Always. Now, to the Xander- Mobile!"

*******************

Later at Buffy’s....

"Spike, how can you watch this stuff?" she said as she was curled up next to him on the couch with only a tee- shirt and her panties on.

"Hey, don’t mock this. Passions is a very intriguing show." he said, only in his jeans.

"Yeah, well, it seems silly to me. Hey, let’s watch Jenny Jones. I can always get a laugh out that show."

"Yeah, well-"

"Hey Buff! Just came by to say- oh god." Xander said with his eyes narrowed.

"Xander!"

Part V

Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.

Aaliyah

________________________________________________________________________

Xander stormed towards Spike and gave him a ferocious right hook.

"You son of a Bitch!! How dare you come back here!" Xander began to approach the fallen vampire when Buffy intervened.

"Xander, stop. I invited him here." she said pleadingly.

"Buffy what the hell is wrong with you? What, you’re all accepting to Mr. Attempted Rape now? Or did he cast some sort of spell on you? I hope so ‘cause at least then I’d know if you’ve lost your sanity or not." Xander fumed. Spike just stood there and had no response. Willow just observed at what was transpiring between her two best friends.

"Xander, he didn’t put a spell on me, and what happened between us happened between us. I don’t expect you to understand but-"

"Understand? Oh I understand completely. You’ve totally lost it. You should of dusted him a long time ago. But oh no. That’s right I forgot. Buffy’s always had a soft spot for evil vamps, letting them get away with murder- literally speaking with Angel of course." That last statement pushed Buffy over the edge and she responded by smacking him.

"Stop it." Willow whispered, and only Spike heard through his vampire hearing and glanced at her.

"Enough. You don’t know anything about that, and you certainly don’t know or can even begin to comprehend this." she said in a low, menacing tone.

"All I need to understand is that he’s a soulless demon on a leash." he said while glaring at her.

"Stop it! Both of you!" Willow yelled while rubbing her temples. "I can’t take this anymore! The two of you are so stupid. All we have in our short, miserable lives are the precious moments. But the two of you are two stupid to see them and you miss them completely. All we have left is each other, and you guys are ruining it with your idiotic bickering." By this time, her voice was lowered. Her face was flushed as her tears caressed her face. The others just watched on with sad faces.

"All I can say is you guys better wise up before one of us is in the ground; indefinitely. I wasted precious time, time I could’ve spent with Tara because- I was too stupid and weak to with the magics. If I’d listened to her, we could spent all of those missed months apart together. I’ll never have that chance ever again...." She shook her head and wiped her face with a shaky hand. Xander was the first one to speak up.

"Buff, I’m sorry. Now’s not the best time to sort all of this out, so I think I’m just gonna go now."

"Okay, and I’m sorry too..." she said while unconsciously hugging herself.

"Red, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Tara." Xander was going to say something but thought better of it. Willow nodded to Spike in acknowledgment and went out the door without saying another word. Xander glanced at Buffy before leaving and closing the door behind them.

*****************

In Xander’s car...

" Xander, can I go back to your place. I’m physically and emotionally drained right now, and I just want to sleep." she said while looking out of the window.

"Yeah, sure. Do you mind if I go out for awhile?" he asked while still looking at the road.

"Xander, you’re a grown man. Do whatever ya want." she said rather indifferently.

"Um, yeah..."

*****************

A little while later, Xander arrives at the Magic Box...

Anya whipped her head around from the cash register as she heard the familiar tinkling of the bell expecting a customer when-

"Anya. Are ya busy now?" he asked, while still standing at the store’s entrance.

"Xander, no, come on in." she said as she walked from around the counter, motioning for him to take a seat.

"Well, the place looks great."

"Oh, yeah, Hallie got a few demons over to help me real cheap." she said with a thoughtful _expression.

"Um, Ahn, I wanted to talk to you about some serious stuff, today." he explained while fiddling with his fingers. "I’ve been thinking a lot these last few weeks, and I think that I never really explained why I couldn’t go through with the wedding."

"Xander, really, you don’t have to-"

"No, I do. I owe you that much. I told you then that I didn’t want to hurt you, ‘not like that.’ What I meant was, I was afraid I’d turn into my father. My father made my life as well as my mother’s a living hell. It was like he’d drained away all of the happiness and the life from her. His drinking problem eventually led to my mother to have one too." he said while looking at nothing in particular, but just looking. Anya gave him a sad look of sympathy and gently grabbed one of his hands.

"What that demon showed me- it was like every fear I ever had about us, about me, came true... You hated me, our lives... he not only showed me, but it was like I could feel everything; the hatred and the anger- and when he brought me back to reality, I just kept thinking that I couldn’t do that to you. What he showed me may have been fake, but it was that possibility, no, probability that I feared of it actually coming true. Stuff like that’s unavoidable. It sneaks up on you. Same thing happened with my parents. But I’m sorry."

At that moment Anya was shockingly at a lost for words. She just looked at him for awhile.

"Xander, I’m sorry too, about you know, with-"

"I know." he said as he looked at her.

"It’s just, I was hurt, and he was hurt, but it was mistake. I knew it right from the start. But, I just wanted to lose myself. Thought maybe that it’d help the pain go away. I wasn’t thinking clearly when it happened. We were both kind a wasted." she said while letting go of his hand and looking away for a moment.

"Um, Anya, do you think that maybe we could put this behind us, start over? Maybe out for a drink or something? Something small?"

Anya gave him a small smile. "Okay Xander Harris. You’re on."

Part VI

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

"I Want Love"

Elton John

______________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________
 

Buffy’s Place- following week

"Hey Buff. Can I come in? Ya know as long as there’s no half naked people around." Xander said with a nervous smile.

"Of course. And there’s no one here but me, and I’m decent, well dressed anyway." she said with a grin.

"So."

"So."

"Um, Giles and I were talking and we thought it best if Willow went to that coven for awhile. She’s been improving, but I think professional help is the way to go." he said as he sat down on the couch. Buffy following, sitting on the coffee table.

"Really? How she taking it?"

"Well, she’s been indifferent to nearly everything, but Giles thinks it’s best so... Besides, staying at my place ain’t exactly therapeutic."

"Uh, Xander, about things w/ Spike. Well we sorta worked things out, which I’m sure you noticed."

"Listen Buff, you don’t have to explain things to me. It’s just, it caught me off guard, ya know? And, we all make mistakes. I guess everyone’s allowed forgiveness, once in awhile."

"Wow. I’m impressed. That must have been hard for you to say." she said half jokingly.

"Yeah, well, me and Anya had a long discussion, well, several. I came to realize certain things. Actually did a little growing up. So, how are things between you and Deadboy Jr.?"

"Way better. And things lookin’ up between you and Anya?"

"Yeah. Ya know, just takin' small steps at a time; startin’ fresh.... But like Will said, time’s short. We all have to realize our own mortality- or immortality for others."

Cut to Willy’s Bar, Later that night....

"So, the traitor has been back for awhile now. I think it’s best we make our move tonight- just in case he decides to hightail it outta here again."

"But what about the Slayer? she’ll protect him."

"Don’t worry. I’ve got a present for her."

******************

Near Spike’s Crypt

"Buffy, I thought I was meeting you at your place, luv." Spike said as he swaggered towards her, lighting up a cigarette.

"I know. It’s just, Dawn had a couple of friends over and they were driving me insane. And I was all like ‘been there, done that.’ So I called Giles, he came over, and before he could protest, I bailed."

"So, Niblet and her mates gave you a major headache, huh?" he said while smirking at her.

"Yeah, which you can personally attend to - later. Now is officially Patrol Time." she replied while walking away.

"You’re right, Summers. work first, and hours of pleasure later." he said while dropping his voice seductively on the last part of the sentence.

"Well, that’s one promise you won’t be keeping, traitor." said a particularly large vamp.

"Ooh, goody. A little spot violence always gets me revved up for a good shag." he said nonchalantly, more to Buffy than to the vamp, who was soon followed by five other vamps.

"Spike- look, guys, if you don’t wanna die, well tonight anyways, I suggest you leave (though I seriously doubt it)." she said in a defensive stance as Spike flicked away his cigarette.

"I don’t know if you noticed Slayer, but you and the traitor are greatly outnumbered." he said gruffly and sneering at the both of them.

"Well, it wouldn’t be the first time. Now can we stop the convo and start w/ the fighting? I’m really looking forward to kicking your ass."

"Sure just one thing- a present from me to you." he said with a devilish smile, knowing that his gift was aimed and ready at the Slayer.

"And what’s that, you incredibly, stupid git." Spike retorted, getting quite annoyed at all of the pointless banter. It only worked if both parties were interesting, and those blokes surely weren’t.

"Well, your gift is..."

Buffy felt something puncture her neck, and her entire body went limp. She collapsed to the ground. Spike dropped beside her and pulled the dart out of her neck. While he was distracted, four of the vamps picked him up and held him upright. The other two went to the incapacitated, yet fully conscious slayer.

"You bloody bastards! If you hurt her I’ll-"

"You are in no position to threaten anyone. Besides, we didn’t come for her. The only thing the drug did was immobilize her. But she’ll be ‘ up and kicking’ in an hour or two. You on the other hand..." he took an overly dramatic pause to crack his knuckles. "will be reduced to a pile of ash. See, I wanted the slayer fully aware of what was going to happen to you. Her pain is a lot more rewarding than actually killing her. Besides, killing demons is her job, not yours. You have a blatant disregard of the number one demon rule- to not kill other demons. So, you must be disposed of immediately; well, not exactly immediately. Gonna bet you to a bloodly pulp, first. Oh, and if you try to escape, my guys over there will take a sampling of that wondrous slayer blood."

Spike knew he was in a bind. No one was gonna come for them. It was truly the end.

"Right, then. But uh, you mind fulfilling any last requests I might have mate?"

"Depends."

"Well, could ya just torture me and not dust me?" he just glared at Spike.

"Didn’t think so. Could you give my chain and coat to the Slayer? I’d rather not have them be dust, at least." he gave Spike a nod and two of his minions started to remove said items and tossed them on the ground. Then the larger one and two of the four that was holding Spike beat on him relentlessly. Buffy was forced to watch in horror. Her body couldn’t obey her brains commands to fight back. She couldn’t even move her lips to voice her protest. The situation was hopeless. A deluge of tears silently made its way from her eyes down her cheeks.

Spike didn’t mind the beating. Hell he went one on one with a Hell god. But it was Buffy’s pain that hurt him the most. But after awhile, he couldn’t see ot of either eye. The end was coming.

Buffy thought she might throw up at watching the horrific scene before her. First, it was just your typical beating. Then they brought out a special black bag filled with goodies of holy water and sharp knives. But Spike refused to give them the pleasure of screaming. All that came from him was the occasional grunt or moan of pain. Then it stopped.

"I must say that was fun. But, see you in hell, Spike. Hope ya like it."

With his last strength, he said, "Fuck you, pillock." and then he was gone.

Continued...