I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?

Buffy sat at the kitchen table lost in thought.  Steele blue eyes burned into her as he watched her eat her breakfast.  Silence engulfed the kitchen as they stared at each other.  No words needed to be spoken at the moment.  Hints of yellow swam across his eyes as his face changed, his fangs grow, and a low growl emanated from his chest.  Buffy's body tightened in reflex at the sight of the demon before her.

"Buffy!"  Dawn shouted.  "Hey Buffy!"

Dawn shook her sister waved her hands in front of her face.  Buffy lurched forward at Dawn with her spoon tight in her fist.  Buffy's hand wrapped around her sister's neck and flung her over the kitchen table tossing the cereal and milk all over the floor.  The spoon froze at Dawn's chest as Buffy caught the fear and sadness in the dark brown eyes under her.  Dropping the spoon and moving away cautiously, blinking in astonishment at what she almost done to her sister, Buffy felt tears form in her eyes.  Dawn stood up rubbing her neck staring at Buffy in disbelief and just shook her head.

"Dawn, I...I didn't mea..."

"It's okay Buffy."  Dawn interrupted.  "I guess I understand."

"I don't even understand.  I almost killed you."  Buffy cried.

"Don't you remember Slayer?  You can't kill a vampire unless it is a wooden stake."  Dawn said.

Buffy moved over to her sister carefully gently placing her hand in her hair, and pulling her into her arms.  Hugging her to her, trying to comfort her.  It was more of a comfort for Buffy then for Dawn to hold this tight to her.

"You're not a vampire though, Dawn."  Buffy whispered into Dawn's hair, kissing her softly.

"I know, but I know you wouldn't kill me."  Dawn wrapped her arms around her big sister.  "You're not a killer Buffy."

Buffy closed her eyes, and just stood there holding her sister.  Trying to forget the images she saw.  The dreams and even her nightmares have faded over now to when she wasn't asleep, or even trying to go to sleep.  To top it off she was seeing Spike everywhere, but nobody else was.  Dawn only thought she saw him a couple times when she was walking home from Janice's house right before dusk, but just like Buffy she could never catch him.  Neither of them talked to anybody else about seeing him places because of the tension through the group anyways.  The gang was just so different now. 

Anya still made Dawn work at the Magic Box, but I think it was more to have company then for the debt Dawn owed her.  Anya was pretty lonely during the day, and at night even worse.  She always wanted to go grab coffee, or a movie, or just anything with Dawn or Buffy after she closed the shop, not wanting to be alone.  Sometimes she would sit in the workout room while Buffy trained Dawn, and sometimes Anya would join in.  All three girls together beating up the fake bad guys that surrounded the room.  It was a sight to see actually.  The Slayer teaching an ex-ball of green light and a 1000 year old demon how to fight bad guys, but these were the only three people that came back to the Magic shop after that day.

Giles helped out with some money before he left to fix up the shop and Buffy and Dawn worked there with Anya putting it back together.  There were still some parts of the shop that weren't completely back to normal, but then again nothing was back to normal. 

Xander spent most of his time at Willow's helping her get over the magic stuff, and letting her cry all the time.  Buffy and Dawn would come and visit on occasion just to talk to her about nothing in particular.  Sometimes they would talk about Tara, but it was rare, and Willow couldn't even say her name.  When Xander wasn't there Anya would come by to see Willow, but somebody always had to be with them.  Never wanted to take the chance of an 'I wish' slip up during a crying moment.

The only person that went on patrol with Buffy anymore was Dawn, but there never seemed to be anything major happening when Dawn would be with Buffy.  Buffy watched one night as Dawn sat at a fresh grave and waited for the new vampire to rise.  Buffy stood still and watched her sister get tossed around at first, and right when the vampire almost bit down on her neck, Buffy panicked for a moment until dust fell over top of Dawn.  Dawn lay on the ground coughing, brushing the dust from her clothes as she stood up. 

"I can't believe you didn't help me!"  Dawn screamed.

"I thought you wanted to be a grown up and fight?"  Buffy asked with sarcasm.

"I wanted to fight, not get drained."  Dawn protested.

"I wouldn't have let him drain you."  Buffy said.

Dawn smiled for a moment then frowned at her sister.  "But....but you would have let him bite me?"  Dawn groaned.

Buffy just smirked and turned around and skipped away, swinging her stake between her fingers.  Buffy enjoyed her time patrolling with her little sister, and it was always fun to watch her fight whenever she actually got the chance to, which was very rare, but it seemed to make Buffy smile.  She would never put Dawn in any harm, but knew if she always stepped up in the middle of her fight, Dawn would just be furious at her.  They always went home, and Buffy would always end up going out to patrol again.  It seemed different when she patrolled by herself.  More baddies always seemed to be lurking about when she wasn't with Dawn.

When Buffy patrolled alone she always managed walking up around where Tara and her mother were.  Always noticing, fresh flowers that were recently laid, and sometimes a small note to go with them.  Most of the time though she spent her time outside of the old vacated crypt staring at it.  She never knew why she would end up there, and she never even went inside.  She always just walked around the crypt, or sat on a nearby tombstone staring at the steel door she has bashed through more then she could possibly count.  Sometimes she would see him walking ahead of her in the cemetery, or hear him fighting in the distance, but she never could catch him, never see if it was really him.  She just always felt he was always around.  When she would get home from patrol a single daisy was always discreetly placed by a small note at her front door.  Her dreams of him before she fell asleep became more romantic.  Instead of the intense primal sex they had, it seemed to be more gently, more passionate.  Her nightmares became more of him being gone, turned to dust to never to return, or just leaving her like everybody else always did, and she always found herself back out on the hunt.

I'm wondering around confused
Wondering why I try
The more the you deny my pain
The more it intensifies.
I need someone to ache for me the way I ache for you


He stood there staring into her green eyes, and he could see himself there.  Reflected back at him, through her.  Her blonde hair fell softly cupping her face with this new haircut of hers, and a gentle smile crossed her face.  Then there was nothing but anger, as her hand swung from behind her with a stake aiming at his heart.  Spike flew back away from her, dodging her attack, and Clem grabbed his shoulders, and shook him out of his thoughts.

"It's okay man."  Clem said.

Spike shook his head clearing away the images of Buffy trying to kill him.  "I guess."  Spike whispered.

"You guess?  Things are different now Spike, you'll see."  Clem smiled.  "It is okay."

Clem walked away from Spike and moved into the living room to sit with his chips again as he watched his show.  Glancing every once in a while back at Spike in the bathroom to make sure he was doing fine, and the images of her weren't plaguing him.  He always had the same nightmare, and he always talked about it to Clem. For right now Spike had a plan, and had no idea if his plan would work, but he was going to die trying.

At night Spike would come home and bandage himself up right quick before leaving once again.  Sometimes Clem would accompany him, but Spike was always afraid he didn't move fast enough and Buffy would be able to catch up to him if Clem tagged along.  Every night though he would find them, and move ahead of Dawn and Buffy clearing the path of any bad guys that might be in there way.  One of the fights left Spike in pretty bad form, as some slimy green demon stabbed him with this sharp dagger that came from his hand.  Even then it didn't stop him from going out to make sure Buffy was okay after her late patrol alone.  He always had to leave a note with Buffy.  At least something small that said 'Goodnight beautiful.'

Spike looked in the mirror, and the platinum blonde blue eyed man that stared back at him still amazed him.  Every time he would stand there and stare at the man reaching out his hand slowly tapping at the glass making sure it was all real.  Clem would sit back sometimes and laugh, as he would do silly things in front of the mirror, watching himself do these ridiculous things.  On occasion his chuckling would stop and silence would fill the air, and Clem knew she was there staring back at him.

"What if she doesn't forgive me?"  Spike asked.

"Is she worth trying?"  Clem replied.

"She's worth dying."  Spike said, and tapped on the mirror one more time looking at his reflection.  After all it has been over 100 years since he saw himself.

If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to
I stare in this mirror
So tired of this life


Buffy sat at her vanity putting on her makeup staring at herself.  She looked very tired and worn down, black circles marred her blood shot eyes.  She just hasn't been sleeping well, and the stress of everything she was doing during the day, not to mention constantly seeing Spike everywhere was starting to tell on her young face.  She stood and looked over her orange polyester pants, matching hideous stripped shirt and the stupid hat she had in her hand.  This was such a degrading job for a Slayer, but she moaned as images of bills danced in her head.

Buffy strolled down the stairs calling out to Dawn, making sure she was ready to go to the Magic Box and be with Anya for the day as Buffy worked.  They ate breakfast together, and Buffy walked Dawn to the shop before she had to get going herself.  Today was the first day back to work since everything happened.  The Doublemeat was generous enough to give her quiet a bit of time off, not knowing the full details but under the assumption that she had to fix her house and stay with her sister for a while because she found the body.  They seemed to rather understand and actually gave her a paid vacation, which was really nice for Buffy.  She took some of the time off to go find a better job, more fitting for a young woman, then greasy palace. 

Buffy had to work today from opening until closing, and was very disappointed of another sixteen-hour shift in this cardboard setting.   She called Anya sometime around nine to see if she could walk Dawn home and stay with her until she got there, which should be sometime around midnight or so.  At least she hoped it would be around midnight.  The day drug on for what seemed like eternity, and memories of the never-ending hour when she worked at the Magic Box for that one day flashed across her mind, and for some reason that seemed to make her laugh a little. 

Buffy had to work for a couple hours at the drive-thru.  It was a pretty decent change at least she was able to stick her head out the window sometimes to breath something other then decaying grease from the fryer.  The sun shined down on her face warming her up.  She loved to look out across the parking lot to the trees.  Each time she saw them they just seemed more stunning, more perfect then the last time she saw them.  The there he was right in the middle of the parking lot with the radiant sun beating down on his bleached blonde head, standing before the trees staring at her with those perfect eyes.  The change in her hand dropped to the floor with loud clings, ripping thru the silence that paralyzed the air around her.  She looked down to see the change on the ground, and then remembered he was there, only to look up for him to be gone. 

After seeing Spike in the parking lot sometimes before the sun went down made her shift pass by even longer.  Her mind was always fleeting everywhere but what she was doing at the moment.  Finally after a long day in her most uncomfortable shoes it was time to close the place up and go home.  It was already so late, and she still needed to patrol.  Buffy made sure she patrolled every single night, just to make sure.  To make sure she wasn't going insane, to make sure nobody was getting hurt, just in general to make sure everything was fine here on the Hellmouth.

She made her way home after she closed up always looking around, feeling somebody there but never finding anybody.  When she got home there was no note, or flower at her front door and her heart sunk just a little.  Whoever it was must have forgot tonight.  She walked in her house saw Anya on the couch asleep, deciding to leave her there she went upstairs and checked on Dawn before heading into her room to change.  Pulling on something a little more comfortable, and way more her, she headed out again.  She walked through the dark alleys, made her way down to the docks, and over to the cemeteries. 

Coming across the crypt she saw some vampires walking into it like they owned it.  She moved up behind the last vampire pilling into the crypt and plunged her stake right in his back.  With a murmured curse word the vampire fell to dust.  The others swung around in shock to see the Slayer standing there.

"I could be wrong."  Buffy said.  "But I don't believe any of you live in there."

"Kill her!"  The big ugly vampire at the door yelled.

Three vampires jumped at her at the same time.  With a spinning kick she managed to send one flying across the ground.  One of the vampires caught her with a backhand to the face, her weight shifting and she tripped over a rock on the ground.  The attacking girl vampire leaned down and grabbed at her shirt lifting Buffy to her feet.  Buffy grabbed the stake out of the back of her jacket and staked the girl before she got her footing, which made fall back down on her butt.  She back flipped on the ground rising to her feet, preparing for the next attack.  The next attack came with a vicious jumping front kick that sent her flying backwards once again this time over a tombstone.  She always hated hitting those damn things.  Buffy stood shaking off the pain that was ripping through her like lightning.  The large vampire approached her and she punched him in the face, followed by a back kick to the groin sending him to his knees.  A front kick to the face with a back flip caught the vampire before he made it to his knees.  Reaching down to the ground and snatching up her dropped stake she sent it through is soft skin in his back making him dust.

A bolt of pain shot through Buffy.  Her body shock violently as a vampire held a Tazer gun towards her, laughing at her violent display of pain.  She dropped to her knees in front of the vampire.  The pain was excruciating, but she held onto her screams of pain not giving in to what she knew they wanted to hear.  A Slayer screamed in pain.  The laughing vampire dropped the Tazer and his face dropped into a frown as he blew away in the wind.  Buffy collapsed face down in the cemetery grass dust and wind blowing in her eyes, a blurred vision of white and black danced over her eyes before she passed out.

If only you would speak to me or care
If I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant it like this

She was in her bed when she woke up.  She was dressed in the same clothes she wore to go out on patrol, and she was covered lightly under her blankets.  Her head throbbed as she sat up from her bed stripping herself of her sheets.  Blurred vision blanketed the confines of her room as she tried to get her bearing to stand up.  Her attempt was futile as she fell backwards on her bed from an initial rush of dizziness.  She leaned over slowly and grabbed the black duster off of the back of the chair and lay back down on the bed wrapping herself up in the coolness of the leather.  The material still held the faint scent of Jack Daniels and smoke, the unique scent that only belonged to her platinum haired vampire.  Curled up on her bed under the duster she resigned herself to try to stand once again in a moment.  She rolled over on her other side to stare out the window to watch the sun brighten up the day before her.  Thankful once again she was alive, even if she didn't know how she made it home.  Deep down though she knew it was him. 

On her windowsill was a single daisy and a small note.  She scooted over and this time more cautiously stood to grab what was on the ledge.  Lying back down on her bed with the duster over her she inhaled the smell of the small flower in her hand, and read the note.  It was one of the longest notes from her secret admirer. 

Next time you should be more careful sweetheart.  I don't want you to get hurt.

Later during the day when Buffy was feeling better and was able to stand without feeling sick or faint, she got up and went and took a shower.  After the fight last night the shower felt pretty good, soothing some of her bruises and pain.  Two little puncture marks that were now just scars were next to her belly button from where the Tazer darts inserted into her.  She finished up cleaning up, and getting dressed, being invaded sometimes with his blue eyes staring at her.  No violence in her visions this time though. 

She went downstairs and sat next to Dawn on the couch with a loud thump.  She had the day off, and even with the events of last night, she was in a good mood for some reason today.

"Why are you so cheery?"  Dawn asked.

"Can't I just be happy?"  Buffy questioned.

"You never are."  Dawn stated flatly.

"Dawn!"  Buffy was stunned.  "Well…ummm, well things are changing.  Is that all right?"

"You forgot about me last night."  Dawn said.

"I didn't forget Dawnie."  Buffy answered.  "You were asleep by the time I got home, and I didn't want to wake you."

"Did anything happen?  You have been in bed all day."  Dawn wandered.

"Nothing I couldn't take care of Dawn."  Buffy replied.

"I know he is gone."  Dawn said.

"I know you do."  Buffy whispered.

"No!  I know he is really gone.  I went to his crypt."  Dawn shouted and moved off the couch.

"You went to his crypt?"  Buffy looked up at her.

"Yes."

"Why?  Why did you go there?"  Buffy questioned.

"Am I not allowed to go there?  Were you not going to tell me he is gone?"  Dawn demanded.

"No.   No, it is nothing like that."  Buffy whispered.  "You two were friends.  I….I was going to tell you, but I don't know...I just..."

"You just weren't going to tell me he was gone."  Dawn interrupted.

"I was going to tell you, but I don't think he is gone!  Okay Dawn!"  Buffy yelled. 

Dawn left the living room and stormed through the kitchen out the backyard slamming the door behind her.  Feeling frustrated, Buffy ran her fingers through her damp hair and stood to follow here sister outside.  She opened the door and watched from the porch as Dawn sat curled up on the bench outside crying.  She moved over to her sister and sat next to her carefully putting her arm around her.

"Why did you go there Dawn?"  Buffy asked again.

"I just wanted to know."  Dawn cried out in anger.

"Wanted to know what honey?"  Buffy whispered.

Dawn shook her head and more tears ran down her face.  Buffy cradled her close to her and began rocking her gently, making soothing sounds trying to comfort her baby sister.

"Come on Dawnie.  Wanted to know what?"  Buffy cooed.

"I wanted to know why he did that to you."  Dawn whispered.

Buffy tensed at the thought her sister was going to confront Spike about what happened.  She wanted to be so protectful, she always wanted to know all the answers to everything.

"I wanted to know why if he loved you so much, why he would hurt you."  Dawn explained.

"Oh Dawn, sweetie."  Buffy answered. 

She leaned her head down and kissed the top of her sister's brown hair.  Trying to calm her tears as she cried in her arms.  Buffy squeezed her tighter to her, trying not to squeeze her too much so not to hurt her.

"I…I am not sure Dawn."  Buffy stuttered.  "Maybe sometimes...sometimes you people just love somebody so much that they become blinded from what is right and what is wrong.  I don't know though.  Feelings like love are funny things, very powerful.  Sometimes too powerful."

"Do you think he can?"  Dawn asked.

"Can what?"  Buffy wandered.

"Do you really think Spike, a vampire, can love?"  Dawn questioned.

Buffy let go of Dawn and looked at her face.  Her hand moved up to her sister's face and whipped at the falling tears.

"I know he loves you.  With all that he can, I know Spike loves you."  Buffy stated.  "He would do anything for you, he loves you so much.  You are his little 'Nibblet.'"

"So even though he is a vampire he can still love?"  Dawn kept prodding.

"I think Spike is just a very strange vampire, capable of many different things."  Buffy responded.

"It would have been nice if you would have thought of that before."  Dawn smiled and settled back into her sister's arms.

"Before."  Buffy sighed.

"Do you think he loves you?"  Dawn whispered.

Buffy and Dawn sat in silence.  Dawn's last question weighted on the air that surrounded both of the young women. They both sat on the bench in silence staring out over their garden.  This was the first time Buffy had been in the backyard since she was shot back here weeks ago.  So much of their house has been vacant since that fateful day that changed everything.  Buffy kissed her sister on her head once again and unwrapped herself from her arms walking back into the house.  She stopped for a moment at the door and glanced back at her sister still on the bench staring at the spot on the grass that was once filled with blood from her older sister.

"Are you coming in Dawn?"  Buffy asked.

"Are you gonna answer my question?"  Dawn never looked up at her.

Buffy just smiled back at her sister, left the door open and walked back into the house.  She went over to the fridge and grabbed a soda making her way back to the living room to pop in a movie.  She was going to make the most of her day off before she had to go back to work tomorrow.  Buffy had just enough time to watch her movie, and get her and her sister over to Willow's house for a big group dinner.  It was only going to pizza, but they were all finally getting back together for a little bit.  She finished watching her movie eventually Dawn joined her on the couch.  The over hanging question wasn't brought up again.  At least not for right now anyways. 

They both got ready to go over to Willows house, fighting for bathroom time just like sisters do.  They stopped by and picked up Anya from the shop.  She was closing down early so she could be part of the pizza party at Willow's house.  Nobody was allowed to miss this event.  Halfway there Buffy needed to turn around and go back to the house.  She bought a small little gift for Willow.  Nothing big or anything like that, just a small thing she was even thinking about leaving it secretly behind when she left.  She wouldn't be long she just needed to run back to the house right quick.

I don't know it I'm real without you
What is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you?

Buffy ran up the couple steps to her porch, key in the door, and she froze.  Her muscles tensed, her eyes shut and his words fluttered through her body.

"I know things won't ever be the same, and I don't want them to."  Spike said.  "I want you to know I am sorry."

Her head dropped and tears started swelling up behind her eyes.  Her hand gripped at the key almost snapping it.  She was afraid to turn around.  Afraid he wouldn't be really there standing there talking to her, and afraid also he was there.  She has seen him so many places, during the day and at night, all over, but it was never true.  This was different.  This was him standing so close to him she could feel him, but he felt so different.  This was him taking to her with the same old accent he has always had, but different words dripped from his lips.

"There are not enough ways, or enough time in this world to apologize for what I have done.  I would understand if you didn't ever forgive me.  I would understand if you didn't want to turn and look at me right now."  Spike whispered.

Buffy let go of the key slowly opened her eyes looking down at her feet.  The tears blurred her vision, and she brought her hand up to whip them away so she could see if this was true.  She turned around gracefully and looked up.  He wasn't there. 

Of course not Buffy, not during the day.  Spike moved out from behind the tree standing in the light of the sun.  He was covered with no blanket he only wore the same old black jeans and a tight black shirt.  His alabaster skin glistened in the sun like a marble statue.  Buffy was lost in the vision of him before her.

"I can understand it all Buffy.  Nothing you ever did or didn't do made you deserve what I did to you.  I broke a trust, something I can never fix.  I know I destroyed what was between us, and I should never ask for your forgiveness.  I have no right, and I would walk away from you if I could, but I can't.  I never could walk away from you.  You have invaded my entire being.  I have no right to ask you for forgiveness for what I have done, but I am different now."  Spike moved closer to her, standing on the stairs of her porch in front of her.  "I did it all for you because I love you enough to be the man you need to be."

"You aren't real."  Buffy stammered.  "You can't be in the sun."

"I am real.  I am here and still in love with you."  Spike said.

Spike carefully reached out and grabbed her hand placing it on his chest.  She flinched from the feel of his heart beating beneath her hand and she stared up into his eyes.

"How?"  Is all Buffy could say.

He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her lips and she closed his eyes at the feel of him.  This was so different it was almost, almost warm. 

"I can't exist without you."  Spike pulled from her lips, and with a whispered, 'I'm sorry' in her ear he left her on the balcony.

Buffy opened her eyes, and he was no longer there.  Licking her lips she could still taste his sweetness.  Dropping her head to cry she saw a single daisy and a small note at her feet.  Bending over to pick it up she walked over to the swinging bench on her porch whipping the tears from her eyes, so she could read the note.  Breathing in the daisy like she always did, she couldn't stop her tears this time as they fell from the words on the paper.

It wasn't a dream luv.  I'm here and still in love pet.  More then ever before my Buffy.  My Slayer.

Continued...