DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything, I'm afraid. Not even Poirrot
TIMELINE: My sillyfic series tails off from season 4 and has taken its own funky direction.
SPOILERS: Season's 1-4 Also, everything that has occurred in my previous sillyfics, especially 'Roll of Thunder'
PAIRINGS: B/A W/T X/A S/anyone available
FEEDBACK: Of course I'd love feedback!
RATING: I'm going to say R, because this fic is more macabre than usual. You have been warned...
SYNOPSIS: Poirrot, the infamous French detective, starts investigating Riley's disappearance, much to the Scooby Gang's dismay.
NOTES: As previously stated, this one is quite macabre, with a lot of death in it. Also, MAJOR Riley bashing ahead. To be honest, I don't dislike the guy, despite what it might seem like in the following fic! Thankyou so much for all the wonderful feedback for my previous sillyfic, by the way, it means a lot.

GILES VO- "Previously on the 'Misadventures of the Scooby Gang' series..."

The following scenes from previous fics are shown:
- RILEY being murdered by DRACULA (Roll of Thunder)
- BUFFY and ANGEL getting back together (Roll of Thunder)
- A shot of RILEY'S fake gravestone (Dirty Dancing)
- SPIKE getting his chip deactivated and going on a killing rampage (Three Vampires and a Slayer)
- FAITH breaking out of prison to help the SCOOBY GANG fight some witches (The Bleurgh Witch Project)
- SPIKE making up with the SCOOBIES, and promising to stop killing humans (Hell in a Handbasket)

CAMERA FADES IN on ANGEL and BUFFY'S mansion. It is in the evening, and the weather outside is atrocious. There's a big storm going on, and lightening crackles across the sky. The entire SCOOBY GANG, complete with LA representatives, are in the lounge, drinking tequila.

BUFFY and ANGEL are sitting together, with their arms wrapped around each other's waists.

BUFFY- "Thank-you for celebrating mine and Angel's one year anniversary with us. It's all the more special because we have gathered you together to share some good news"

She smiles and glances at ANGEL, nudging for him to continue. The SCOOBY'S watch them in anticipation.

ANGEL- "I proposed to Buffy last night"

BUFFY- "And I said yes!"

The SCOOBY'S erupt with excitement, and they all congratulate the happy couple, by hugging them and shaking hands. CORDELIA screams.

CORDELIA- "NOOOO! My subtle plan to win Angel's affections through the work-place failed! NOOOO!"

SPIKE- "Never mind, luv. You've always got me"

CORDELIA- "Get bent"

She storms into the bathroom to dry her tears. SPIKE grabs her tequila and downs it in one gulp.

ANGEL- "We truly appreciate all the support you have given us over the years, especially during those months when I turned evil and tried to kill you all. I'm glad we can forgive and forget"

All the SCOOBY'S scream again. They're so happy that BUFFY and ANGEL are getting married!

BUFFY- "And we've got a couple more crates of tequila in the kitchen, so get drunk, people!"

XANDER holds out his alcoholic beverage to signify a toast.

XANDER- "To the happy couple, lets hope they live a long and fluffy life!"

All clink glasses.

ALL- "To the happy couple!"

BUFFY and ANGEL shyly hug. They have big grins on their faces.

ALL- "Awww"

XANDER- "And lets hope that nothing will go wrong to spoil it all!"

SFX- Doorbell. Plays the Funeral Death March ominously.

All the SCOOBY'S stare at the door in apprehension.

WILLOW (hissing)- "Xander, you jinx!"

She nervously opens the door to reveal FAITH.

FAITH- "Hey, Red. Let me in! I've just escaped from jail and killed two men, I think the police are chasing me, and I need somewhere to hide out for a while. But enough about me. How are you all doing?"

WILLOW- "Spike's come home, and Buffy and Angel are getting married"

FAITH- "Aww, good for them!"

They close the door, and walk back to the lounge.

XANDER- "See! I never jinxed nothing!"

SFX- The door bell plays again, complete with ominous Funeral Death March music.

SPIKE- "I like your doorbell, peaches. Gotta get me one of those badboys for the crypt"

WILLOW angrily opens the door to reveal a likeable old man with a black moustache standing on the doorstep. He has a strong French accent.

POIRROT - "Hello, Willow. My name is Hercule Poirrot, I'm a private detective. I was lucky enough to take on a case the Sunnydale police had for me, and it involves you, Buffy Summers and all her pals"

WILLOW- "What is it about?"

POIRROT- "The disturbing and sinister disappearance of Riley Finn. May I come in?"

WILLOW- "Just give me a second to warn the others about your arrival. It'll give us time to suppress our guilty consciences"

POIRROT- "Take your time"

She runs into the lounge and pulls BUFFY aside.

WILLOW (whispering)- "Buffy! Hercule Poirrot is outside, and he wants to talk to us about Riley's disappearance in Transylvania a year ago!"

BUFFY- "And?"

WILLOW (whispering)- "The police think you're heart-broken! If Poirrot finds you celebrating your ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY with Angel, let alone marrying him, he'll think you murdered Riley so you two could get back together! It'd look like a text-book murder of passion!"

BUFFY- "But that's nonsense! Dracula killed Riley"

WILLOW (whispering)- "Sure, that's a plausible answer. Tell *that* to the cops. Maybe they'll be kind enough to throw you in a MENTAL HOSPITAL on the way back to the station!"

BUFFY screams. She turns around and comes face to face with Hercule Poirrot. She screams again.

BUFFY- "I loved Riley! I'm devastated with grief that he disappeared! Sob! Pain and anguish! Sob!! Where is my beloved Riley?!! Sob!"

She melodramatically slumps onto the sofa with her hands over her eyes, and sneakily peeks at POIRROT through her fingers.

POIRROT just smirks.

POIRROT- "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I have gathered you all together for a very special reason"

ANYA- "Buffy and Angel gathered us here. You weren't involved in the gathering"

POIRROT- "Ah, but I have solved the disappearance of Riley Finn!"

All the SCOOBY'S groan.

POIRROT- "Nearly two years ago, Riley was a happy-go-lucky chap. He innocently joined a group of misfits, not knowing the extent of the treachery and deceit he was involving himself in. He walked into his death, ladies and gentlemen, and each and every one of those misfits had a motive for killing our Mr Finn"

SPIKE- "Riley really was a popular person"

POIRROT- "So one dark and sinister year ago, Riley embarked on a trip to Transylvania with these misfits and never returned home again. Why? Well one of his so called friends 'done im in', that's why!! Bwaahaha!!"

BUFFY- "My god, I think this man is mad!"

POIRROT twirls around and jabs a finger at her.

POIRROT- "Miss Buffy Summers! Riley's faithful girlfriend, our most likely suspect. For underneath that cute persona lies the heart of a most dangerous and frightening woman! You have a history of violent behaviour, Miss Summers. You were expelled from school twice. You organised an anarchy group which blew up Sunnydale High, you have been in numerous fights, and nearly killed a Mr Ted McRobot a few years ago because he dated your mother!"

The GANG all gasp.

BUFFY- "But I make fab cookies"

POIRROT- "Of course, it's not like I thought you killed Riley to get back together with Angel. If that were the case, you two would have reunited since Riley's death, but you're not a couple at all, are you?"

BUFFY (weakly)- "No...look at that man...with his muscles and toned body and wonderful personality...yeuck, not my type at all"

ANGEL (weakly)- "Me go out with a blond! No way, they're so flighty"

BUFFY- "Grrr..."

ANGEL- "Statement cheerfully withdrawn"

POIRROT- "So perhaps Buffy killed Riley for another reason then. For his illustrious fortune, for example?"

BUFFY- "Riley was rich?"

The GANG all gasp.

POIRROT- "Extremely. And he left all his money to you. Reason enough to murder him, wouldn't you agree?"

ANGEL jumps up.

ANGEL- "How dare you!"

POIRROT- "Angel, Buffy's ex lover. We all know how jealous and upset you were to hear tell of Buffy's new boyfriend! Maybe seeing them on holiday together brought you to breaking point, and you killed Riley in a fit of passion over the woman you loved"

ANGEL- "I dare you to prove it!"

POIRROT- "My sources suggest you go around biting people. We never found a body, but we found a handkerchief in the cellar which had been used to wipe somebody's blood-stained mouth. Riley was clearly bitten by somebody. Or some *thing*..."

The GANG all gasp.

ANYA- "Wait a minute. There was no body?"

POIRROT- "None. Surprised?"

He leans towards her suspiciously.

ANYA- "Yes! There had to be a body! No-one moved Riley when we found him lying dead on the ground. We just left him in the cellar and caught a plane back home!"

POIRROT stares at her and twiddles his moustache.

XANDER- "Shut up, Anya"

ANYA- "Why?! It's not like we expected the cleaners to find him. If we did, we'd have put a scented candle by the body, to take away the decaying smell of his rotting flesh!"

The GANG all groan and hang their heads in despair.

POIRROT- "Thank-you for the input, Miss Emerson. You are, after all, another suspect. Riley worked in the military, did he not? I'm sure that he discovered the truth about you when he ran your name through the computers."

ANYA- "What truth?"

POIRROT- "*The* truth! You see, you don't officially exist, Miss Emerson. Up until 3 years ago, you've never even lived in the USA. You're an illegal alien, and you killed Riley because he threatened to report you to the cops"

ANYA melodramatically jumps up.

ANYA- "An alien?! It's all lies I tell you! Lies!"

WILLOW (seizing the opportunity)- "She was a demon once, if that counts?"

ANYA- "Listen to my accent, it's American! Look at my clothes, they're American! My hair is American! I *am* American, dammit!

POIRROT- "So why do you have an 'I Love Yemen' sticker on your car then, Miss?"

He produces the bumper sticker in question.

ANYA- "I've never seen it before in my life! Someone's set me up! It's a frame job, mister!"

She glares at all the SCOOBIES, trying to guess who put the sticker on her car. WILLOW sheepishly stares at her feet.

POIRROT- "Perhaps. Perhaps the *real* murderer framed you to cover their own tracks. Now who'd do a thing like that?"

He taps his chin with his hand expectantly. But ANYA isn't listening to him.

ANYA- "Willow! It must have been you, you little witch!"

POIRROT- "Ah, Miss Rosenberg. And so we return to you. You and your girlfriend Tara dabble in the occult, do you not?"

WILLOW- "No! We're witches, that's not the same as-"

POIRROT- "Confirmed! Didn't Riley know about your dabbling, and despise it?"

WILLOW- "No. He didn't know much about it at all, really"

POIRROT- "Until one night when he opened your door at the dead of midnight and found you sacrificing a goat to your evil goat god! You needed to silence him from telling what he saw, but the only way to do that was to silence him forever! Bwaahaha!"

The GANG all gasp.

SPIKE- "Can you lot stop bloody gasping, please?"

WILLOW and TARA- "Nooooo! That's not true!!! We've never sacrificed a goat! The odd human perhaps, but never a goat!"

POIRROT turns to GILES.

POIRROT- "How about you? Isn't it true you hated Riley for taking Buffy away from you? You're like a surrogate father to the girl, and Riley was breaking that bond with his young athletic hands"

GILES babbles incoherently. He sucks under pressure.

FAITH- "That's it. I'm getting bored."

She stands up and walks over to POIRROT.

FAITH cont- "Look, Mister. I've just broken out from jail. I'm currently hiding from the cops because I've murdered various people trying to hitch a lift up here. Any second now, the front door is going to be broken down by the police. I don't have a lot of spare time, so could you please cut to the quick and tell me which one of these pixies killed Riley?"

POIRROT- "Fair enough, Miss. The murderer was..."

He pauses dramatically, waiting for the GANG to gasp.

They don't, in fact they look kinda bored.

POIRROT cont- "Why aren't you gasping?"

GUNN- "Whoever you accuse is going to be the wrong person, so what's the point of getting excited?"

WESLEY- "We already know who killed Riley"

FAITH- "But I don't know!"

WILLOW- "Here's a clue. He has pointed teeth and his name rhymes with 'spatula'"

FAITH- "Ooooooh. Cool"

POIRROT- "Who was it then?"

SPIKE- "Look mate, if you and I go into another room, I'll tell you who it was. In fact, I'll give you a step by step procedure of how they did it. What do you say? Interested?"

POIRROT- "Okay, thank-you Spike."

As they exit, POIRROT continues talking.

POIRROT- "Ah yes, Spike. Reasons for murdering Riley include jealousy and a macabre sense of fun."

SPIKE- "Jealousy over what?"

POIRROT- "Buffy, of course! Don't you know that you're in love with her?"

SPIKE gags.

SPIKE- "Me in love with that thing?! In what alternate universe! I do have *some* taste, you know!"

BUFFY and ANGEL- "Hey!"

SPIKE and POIRROT exit.

GILES- "At least Spike will break the news about Dracula gently"

BUFFY- "Yeah. It was kind of him to offer."

We hear POIRROT screaming in the background.

WESLEY- "He's screaming."

CORDELIA- "That's how I reacted when I first learned that vampires existed."

We hear POIRROT shouting 'Help me! Help me! He's a Vampire!' in the background.

CORDELIA cont- "But I didn't scream for that long! Jeez, what a sissy"

SPIKE re-enters. His mouth is covered with blood, and he has his vamp-face on.

SPIKE- "Well I told moustache-guy about Dracula"

ANGEL- "How'd he take it?"

SPIKE cackles as he licks his lips.

SPIKE- "He died!"

The GANG all gasp.

BUFFY- "He died?!"

SPIKE- "Did I say 'died'? I meant 'cried'! He cried, and then he ran away. Totally off topic, but can I borrow a shovel?"

ANGEL- "Sure"

He passes SPIKE a shovel. SPIKE exits into the next room singing a tune from the 'Wizard of Oz'. We see him drag POIRROT'S dead body past the window, but the SCOOBIES don't notice.

BUFFY- "I guess some people just can't handle the truth"

ANGEL- "I wonder if that means the police will stop hassling us about Riley's disappearance now?"

BUFFY- "Maybe. Poirrot said that they never found a body, so it's not like they'll find any evidence to pin on us"

TARA- "And I'm sure Poirrot will defend us when he tells them about Dracula"

ANGEL- "At last- a huge Riley shaped millstone has been lifted from our shoulders"

WESLEY- "You know, I think the motives Poirrot chose for our murdering Riley were completely wrong"

Various SCOOBY'S voice their agreement.

WESLEY cont- "If any of us wanted to kill Riley, we'd have used the reason he was the most self-centred, selfish, idiotic, boring goody-two-shoes we've ever had the misfortune to meet"

BUFFY- "You hit the bullseye there, Wes"

The others agree.

WESLEY preens.

GILES- "Yes, but lets forget the past half hour's shenanigans and get back to the point of our gathering- to celebrate Buffy and Angel's engagement!"

ALL- "Hear Hear!"

BUFFY and ANGEL blush and kiss. CORDELIA sighs, snatches another tequila bottle and drinks from it.

OS- We hear helicopters and other loud noises coming from outside.

XANDER- "What's that?"

OS VOICE- "This is the police! Faith, we know you're in there. Come out with your hands up!"

FAITH- "Ooh, looks like they've finally found me! Well it's been sweet kids, I'll catch up with you later. Do me a favour, B. Give Spike my phone-number? He is one hot vamp"

She passes BUFFY a piece of paper with her number on, then runs through the mansion and out the back door.

Suddenly, the front door is broken down, and the mansion is filled with POLICEMEN. They smash the furniture, drink the tequila and yellow tape all the rooms in their search to find FAITH.

As the entire mansion is torn apart by the POLICE, the GANG stand together and can only watch this debacle with gobsmacked faces.

BUFFY (nervously)- "Look on the bright side. What else can go wrong, huh?"

The GANG glare at her.

BUFFY slaps her head in realisation.

BLACKOUT.

*

SFX- Eerie music plays, and the odd burst of thunder is heard.

CUT TO- Transylvania.

CUT TO- DRACULA'S Castle.

CUT TO- One of DRACULA'S corridors.

CUT TO- DRACULA'S Laboratory.

CAMERA zooms in on a MAN who is standing beside a table. The MAN is wearing a posh suit, and is holding a suitcase. A BODY is lying on the table. As the camera pulls in towards him, we hear the MAN speak.

MAN- "As a representative of the Wolfram and Hart law firm, I have the great delight in telling you..."

He pulls a yellow switch. The body on the table convulses and jitters around.

MAN cont- "...you're alive again, Mr. Finn"

The body sits up. It is indeed RILEY FINN, but he looks a bit zombie-fied. He grabs a metal pole and spears the MAN through the chest with it. The MAN looks up at RILEY in horror.

MAN- "Riley?"

He slumps to the ground and dies.

RILEY- "Mommy?"

Climatic music begins to play, as the really dumb cliffhanger fades from the television screen ominously.

Go to the next story Preparation, Preparation, Preparation

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