RATING: Uh…not sure. Maybe UK 15 (R?)
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, don't sue
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and ye shall receive.
FEEDBACK: Please, I crave it! It's like cigarettes, ya know? Just when I think I've quit…
SPOILERS: Everything up to DMP, my own timeline after.
SUMMERY: S3 rewrite. DMP my way - Xander gets his comeuppance. Major Angst.
NOTES: I started this right after I saw DMP for the first time and then ran into writers block and forgot all about it.

Buffy listened as everyone berated her for 'abandoning' them and gradually, through the grief and pain and loneliness inside her, a new emotion emerged: Rage. It built inside her until she could contain it no longer and then spurred her into action. The others broke off in surprise as she stalked away from them and turned of the music.

Into the sudden silence that followed she said in a cold, hard voice, "Party's over. Anyone who doesn't know exactly who and what it was for has exactly one minute to get out." Something in her voice stifled any protest and in an amazingly short time everyone, even Pam, was gone. Only Xander, Willow, Oz, Cordelia and her mother remained - all watching her in stunned silence.

For a moment she just looked at them with cold eyes and when she spoke her voice was as icy as her expression. "Lets settle this, shall we? First off, I was not leaving town, I was moving out. Second…"

"Moving out?" Joyce interrupted. "Why? I forgave you for leaving and this is your home."

"Wrong, this used to be my home - it isn't any more. And you may have 'forgiven' me but I sure as hell haven't forgiven you!"

Joyce opened her mouth but before she could say anything there was a knock on the door. With a frustrated glance at Buffy she went to open it. Standing on the doorstep was Rupert Giles.

"So sorry I'm late, I…" he began, only to trail off as he registered the tension in the air.

Joyce didn't answer; she simply closed the door behind him and resumed her position, standing with the Slayerettes confronting Buffy.

"What, exactly, are you not forgiving me for?" she asked with a distinct note of sarcasm in her voice, clearly not believing that she had done anything of which she should be ashamed.

"You really don't know, do you?" Buffy questioned mockingly. Then, before Joyce could reply she added, "That shouldn't surprise me, you never can admit that you might have done something wrong. Okay, 'mom' I'll tell you what you did: You threw me out!" The mocking note left her voice, leaving only truth as she said, "I was frightened, alone and in pain and you refused to hear what I was saying. You didn't know I'm the Slayer but I told you how I felt and you forced me to choose between my duty and your love. Well, I've chosen. You're my mother and because of that I love you but I shall never answer to you again and I won't live here any more."

Giles, who had been standing more-or-less, forgotten in the doorway, spoke for the first time. "You threw her out?" he demanded incredulously, moving to stand just behind Buffy's left shoulder. "You only told us that you'd fought, I think you omitted a rather significant detail, don't you? How could you do that to her?"

Joyce flushed as she met Giles' accusing stare and she quickly looked away. I never thought she'd do it." She said in a feeble attempt to excuse her actions. "Buffy's always backed down in the past when I gave her an ultimatum. I didn't mean it!"

"Yes. You did, mom." The certainty in Buffy's voice silenced her mother's instinctive protest. "At the time, you meant every word. That's why I always backed down, because I could tell when you meant what you said."

"That's still no reason for you to leave town!" Xander burst out, "You must have known she'd change her mind and you could have come to me or Willow or Giles but you just left! That was selfish, Buffy!"

"We needed you here and you never said goodbye or called or anything." Willow added in a hurt voice.

Buffy looked at Oz and Cordelia and saw the agreement in their eyes. They all blamed her for leaving and it hurt, even through her anger. She didn't look at Giles, not wanting to see the same expression of betrayal and disappointment on his face. Then she felt his hand rest gently on her right shoulder and, startled, she twisted round so that she could see him. The Look wasn't there, instead his eyes were warm, full of sympathy and concern and he said, so quietly that only she could hear him, "It's alright, Buffy. I'm just glad you came back."

She didn't reply but as she turned back to the others she reached up and gently squeezed the hand that rested on her shoulder to show Giles that she appreciated his support. "So, I'm selfish, am I?" she asked in a deceptively mild tone - deceptive because her eyes were starting to burn with rage. "You don't think that maybe I had a good reason to leave? Never mind the guilt and grief over Kendra's death and your injuries, never mind that I was accused of murder, never mind that I got expelled. I'm the Slayer, right? I should just do my duty, regardless of everything else." A savage not entered her voice as she continued, "So lets go over my 'selfishness' step by step, shall we?"

"Buffy," said Willow uneasily, "maybe you should…"

"Shut up!" Buffy snarled, "You started this and now you are going to listen whether you want to or not!" Willow subsided, staring at her with stunned and wounded eyes but Buffy didn't care. "Now, where was I?" she asked rhetorically, "Oh, yes, First I 'selfishly' chose my duty over the love of my mother and what little security I had left. Then I 'selfishly' nearly died fighting Angelus after he pulled out the sword and, last and most 'selfish' of all, I saw Angelus become my beloved Angel again, with no memory of the last few months and I told him that I loved him and I kissed him and I shoved a sword through him to close the portal, sending him to hell in the process. That was the ultimate selfishness, wasn't it? Sending the man I love to hell in order to save the world?"

Willow, Cordelia and Joyce were all crying openly and even Oz's eyes were damp but Buffy wasn't finished. "How dare you call me selfish?" she demanded, finally allowing the true depth of her anger to show. "Do you have any idea how close I came to taking the selfish way out? It would have been so easy to just end it all - no more pain or grief or guilt or duty. So easy to let another Slayer be called to take my place." Giles' hand tightened on her shoulder and she saw the dawning horror on the faces in front of her as they realised what she meant but still she continued, driving her point home with ruthless efficiency. "There was only one thing that stopped me, do you want to know what it was - and under the circumstances this should make you laugh: It was my duty to you! I didn't think that you could cope with another death so soon; that losing me on top of Ms Calendar would be too much for Giles in particular.

"So I lived… and I did the only other thing I could do and remain sane - I left. I gave up everything for you and it still isn't enough, is it? You want me to take care of all your problems as well as my own and you don't even see the irony in you calling me selfish. Did even one of you ask me if I was all right or why I left? Did any one except Giles care? You were all so busy rushing to blame me for not being here that none of you gave a damn that I tore out my own heart to keep you safe." The rage drained away, leaving only resignation and despair as she concluded, "It doesn't matter anyway, I have nothing left give. Angel took it all with him and I shall be alone for what little remains of my life."

Giles turned her to face him and without a word he gathered her into his arms and glared at the others over the top of her head. There was no need, all but Xander were subdued, chastened by the truth of Buffy's words and horrified by the way they had treated their friend. In the silence that followed her impassioned outburst each of them examined their own conduct and came to the sobering realisation that every word that she had spoken was true.

"How can you still love him?" Xander burst out in disgust; heedless of the glares he received from everyone except Buffy, whose face was still buried in Giles' jacket. "He's a monster and I, for one, am glad he's in Hell! It's where he belongs!"

Buffy moved out of Giles' embrace and turned to look at Xander. "You're a fool," she said sadly. "You're so blinded by hatred and spite that nothing else matters to you. Even before Angel lost his soul you hated him… and for what? Having my love. It doesn't matter that you have Cordelia or that I would never have been interested in you romantically even if I'd never met Angel. You're like a child who would rather destroy something than allow someone else to have it. You've never cared how much you hurt me as long as you hurt Angel as well." She turned away from him and as she did so her gaze fell on Willow. For a moment she hesitated and then, as if the words were torn from her she said, 'Thank you, for trying to bring him back to me, Willow. I just wish I'd known in advance, I'm almost sure I could have saved him."

At her words Xander smirked happily and then his expression turned to dismay as he realised what would inevitably come next. Sure enough, Willow looked stunned and asked, "You didn't know? I asked Xander to…" Horrified understanding filled her eyes and she looked sick. "He didn't tell you." She whispered and looked at him with something close to revulsion, "How could you?" her voice was barely audible but Xander heard it and winced.

"Willow, I…" he began but broke off when Buffy said in a low voice that shook with emotion, "'Willow says, 'Kick his Ass''" she quoted. "How could you? HOW COULD YOU?!" Her voice rose with every word she spoke and was filled with a fury the likes of which those listening had never heard before. "You KNEW? You knew and you didn't tell me! You BETRAYED me? You BASTARD!" On the last word, Buffy lashed out and slammed her fist into his nose. There was a sickening crunch of shattering bone and cartilage and Xander flew across the room and smashed into a wall. Everyone cringed but no one made any attempt to help him as Buffy marched over and hauled him to his feet. There was blood streaming from his broken nose and bruises were already forming around his eyes but she was unmoved and dragged him to the front door. Letting go of him for a moment she opened it and then literally threw him out of the house, sending him flying more than twenty feet. As he dragged himself to his knees in the gutter, Buffy warned him, "If you ever come near me again I'll break far more than just your nose, do you understand?"

The quietly lethal tone of her voice and the look in her eyes convinced Xander that she meant every word and he nodded dumbly, trying to think of something to say. Before he could, Buffy went back into the house and closed the door. The finality of the gesture was not lost on Xander as he dragged himself to his feet and staggered towards the hospital.

~~~

Buffy didn't so much as glance at the others as she walked past them and up the stairs to her bedroom. No, not hers any more, she mentally corrected herself as she finished packing her bag with a few essentials. She desperately needed to be alone, her chest ached with grief and pain and her eyes burned with the effort of holding back tears.

Glancing around the room, her eyes fell upon Mr. Gordo. She remembered coming in through the window and finding Angel holding the fat little pig and without a second thought she shoved it into her bag. Going to her wardrobe she drew out the jacket Angel had given her so long ago and put it on. Closing her eyes for a second she imagined that instead of soft leather she was wrapped in his strong arms: the only place where she had ever felt completely safe and happy. A sound from downstairs dragged her back from the fantasy and she was reminded all over again that Angel wasn't there. He would never hold her again and it was all her fault. The tears pressed ever more insistently against the backs of her eyes but she refused to let the people downstairs see that she had been crying.

After a quick check to confirm that she was wearing both the ring and necklace Angel had given her, she grabbed her bag and left the room. It seemed to her that she had been upstairs for a long time but in reality she had been gone only a few minutes and everyone was still standing at the bottom of the stairs. They were arguing furiously with one another but fell silent as she approached. Before any of them could speak she said to Joyce in a cold, quiet voice, "I'll come back while you're at work tomorrow to collect the rest of my things." Without another word she moved past them and opened the door. Seconds before she walked though it Willow called out urgently, "Wait! Where are you going to go?"

For an instant Willow thought Buffy was going to ignore her completely but then she paused and looked back "Somewhere I can be alone." She replied vaguely. "Giles, I'll stop by to see you tomorrow. Just… expect me when you see me."

Giles nodded gravely, knowing that it was futile to argue with her, and she met his eyes for a second before disappearing into the night. Everyone crowded into the doorway to watch her leave but she never once looked back.

~~~

Buffy let herself into Angel's apartment and sighed with exhaustion. Looking round she noticed that other than the layer of dust, which lay over everything, nothing had changed since the fateful night of her 17th Birthday. There was no sign that Angelus had ever stayed there. Despite his cruel words the one time they had met here, it was memories of Angel, not Angelus that haunted her as she looked around. There were so many happy memories here. She closed her eyes and, for a moment, she was lost in the past: Tending his injuries after he was captured by Spike and Drucilla, coming to talk him into going to the Bronze with her, walking him home after patrol, coming to make sure he was all right after her dream and finally, him whispering that he loved her as the two of them lay in an exhausted tangle after making love together for the first and last time.

As a wave of happy memories crashed over her a faint smile lit her face but then, cruelly, another memory intruded:

"Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that."

"You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night."

"You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro."

"Come on, Buffy. It's not like I've never been there before."

Buffy's eyes snapped open, but it was too late, the reality of what she had happened and what she had lost returned and with it came the pain. A sob caught in her throat and she tried to choke it back, but there was another right behind it and another and another. They were coming to fast for her to hold them back and after a while she stopped trying and collapsed on the floor in tears. Her small body shook with the force of the sobs that were torn from deep within her and her throat was soon raw with crying.

She cried for hours, violent sobs wracking her body long after she had no tears left. Eventually she sank into an exhausted doze, only to awake less than an hour later screaming Angel's name as she had been doing for months - every time she gave in to her need for sleep.

~~~

Rupert Giles sat in his office and worried about Buffy. It was something he had done often since he became her Watcher and constantly over the last three months but this time was different. It had been bad; wondering why she had left and if she was doing all right alone, he had thought that nothing could be as bad as the horrors he envisaged. He had been wrong. With an anguished groan he buried his head in his hands. Dear God, what she'd suffered. Buffy had told them only the bare bones of what had happened but that little had been enough and her pain had been crystal clear. It was, he knew, little less than a miracle that she hadn't broken completely and her reason for not doing so humbled him as nothing ever had before. Despite all the pain she was enduring she had thought of what her death would do to her friends – to him. She had been right, of course, he couldn't have coped with another loss, with her loss but the fact that her desire, even now, was to save those around her from pain was proof that she possessed a strength of will that was truly awe-inspiring.

There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Buffy was stronger, both mentally and physically, that any Slayer he had every heard of – possibly any who had ever existed. Even so, everyone had a breaking point and he was very much afraid that Buffy was very close to hers. He wasn't afraid that she would go mad as Drucilla had; somehow he knew that would never happen, what he feared was that sooner or later Buffy would reach the limits of what she could endure. It wouldn't take much, he was sure and when that happened she would either decide that he and the others were strong enough to cope or that she didn't care any more, and take her own life.

Suicide was always an ugly idea but it seemed particularly repugnant when thought of in connection with Buffy. She had always been so vibrant and full of life that it was nearly impossible to imagine her stilled forever in death. A sudden chill went through Giles as he imagined living in a world without her – she was the only light in his life, his daughter in all but name and without her he would have nothing.

At that moment Willow entered the library and, despite his anger over the way she had treated Buffy, Giles viewed her presence as a welcome distraction from his thoughts and left the office to talk to her.

Willow glanced at Giles nervously and then looked away, unable to meet his eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. For a long time she had viewed the library almost as a second home and now she felt like an intruder. She was painfully aware that she had wronged Buffy a great deal at a time when she most needed the love and support of her friends. Because of that she stood silently in front of Giles and realised that, for the first time, she had no idea what to say to him.

"Willow?" he finally asked when it became apparent that she wasn't going to speak, "Was there something you wanted?"

"I-I was wondering… has Buffy had been by yet?" she blurted out, forcing herself to look at him.

Giles frowned and his already cool expression turned positively cold. "No, she has not…and it was my impression that she did not wish you to be present when she did."

Willow's eyes filled with tears and she looked away. "I know, I didn't come here for that, I swear. I don't blame her for not wanting to see me – any of us – when we let her down like that." The tears overflowed and trickled down her cheeks as she continued "Buffy's always been there for us and she never really asked for anything in return…and," she paused to choke back a sob and then continued, "and the one time she really needed us to be there for her, we shut her out. I just want her to know that I'm sorry and that if there's anything I can do… I know she won't want to talk to me so I-I thought that I'd ask you to give her the message for me.

In the face of her very real remorse Giles softened a little and he said more gently, "I'll tell her what you've said, Willow but I do think that it would be best if you leave now. There's no way of knowing when Buffy will arrive and if you're here when she does, she may not stay."

Willow nodded sadly and turned to leave. Just before she reached the doors she turned back and asked softly, "Why weren't you angry, Giles? You were as worried and alone as the rest of us and you more than any one has the right to expect her to contact you, why weren't you hurt that she didn't call?"

"I know Buffy, I knew that she would never have done what she did without a damn good reason." His simple reply shamed Willow deeply and she flushed, taking his words as a rebuke – as he had intended them to be.

It was hard, but she managed to hold his gaze and nodded slowly in acceptance of his words. "I'm so glad that you, at least supported her. I think that you're the only person left in the world that she knows she can trust. You're all she has left."

Giles didn't respond and after a moments silence, Willow quietly left the room, leaving her last words to haunt him. As much as it saddened him, he knew that Willow spoke the truth. Buffy had been betrayed by the very people she should have been able to trust the most and he was the only one left to try and help her to pick up the pieces of what little was left of her life. He sighed and turned back to his office, hoping that his support would be enough and knowing in his heart that it wouldn't be.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice Buffy until she said his name. Startled he swung round in the direction of her voice and saw her leaning casually against a bookcase near the entrance to the stacks. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was dressed for training in black ski pants and a black T-shirt. The once form-fitting clothes hung on her small frame. The power of her words the night before had given her the illusion of greater strength and stature than she possessed and Giles was shocked as he realised for the first time just how much weight she had lost over the last three months. Hiding his concern as best he could, he moved towards her.

"Buffy… Have you been there…long?" he asked, wondering if she had overheard him and Willow discussing her and what she thought if she had.

"Long enough," she replied and then changed the subject. "So Giles, why don't you fill me in on what the Hellmouth's been up to and then we can train."

~~~

During their training session Giles' concern for Buffy continued to grow. Despite her weight-loss, she fought as well as ever and with a focus that he had never seen in her before but she refused to talk to him about anything that was not directly connected to her duty. The second he tried to bring up anything even remotely personal she shut him out, her face taking on a frighteningly blank expression. It was as though the Buffy Summers he had grown to know and love over the last two years no longer existed – there was only the Slayer.

At dusk Buffy called a halt and told him that she was going to go and patrol. She had already disappeared into the stacks when Giles suddenly remembered his promise to Willow and called after her. For a moment he thought that he had left it too late and she was gone but then she reappeared and asked, "Yes?"

"I, um…Willow…asked me to-to tell you…" he began but Buffy cut him off before he could say any more.

"I know, I heard." She said indifferently, "Tell her that it doesn't matter…tell Oz and Cordelia the same thing if they ask." For a second she looked unutterably weary and Giles thought he heard her add, "Nothing matters any more." But the words were so quiet that he couldn't be sure. The next second she was gone and he was alone once more.

He flopped into a chair and rubbed his eyes, remembering all the times in the past that he had wished that Buffy would stop fighting destiny and focus on being the Slayer. He had been wrong he admitted now. During their training session Buffy had been all he had every wished and he had hated it intensely. He wanted the old Buffy back – the one who had laughed and teased him and complained when killing demons got in the way of her social life. It was just further proof, he supposed, that you should be very careful what you wished for. More than anything else, however, he wanted her to be happy again and all he could do now was wait and hope that, given time, the old Buffy would re-emerge.

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