Rating: Watch Buffy? You can read this.
I feel so empty. Like a part of me has died. I think it has.
Remembering the events of the past few days, I can see where everything went
wrong. Giles told me that Faith was in LA, trying to kill Angel. So I went to help
him. Instead, I found them in each other's arms. Angel told me she wanted to change. She wanted to be a good person. That he
wanted to try and save her soul. I told him she was playing with his mind. He
asked me why I didn't want to let her change. What came after was the first mistake I made. "Because she slept with my
boyfriend," was what I told him. "Well, then your boyfriend must not be very faithful to you," Angel had said
back. Obviously Faith had forgotten to mention that she stole my body. "She stole my body Angel. Riley would never sleep with anyone but me." That was it. I had told him that I was having sex with Riley, and I had also told
him what he already knew. That Riley was my new boyfriend. That I had moved
on. That was the first mistake. My second one was just me talking about how loving and great Riley was the
whole time I was there. I wanted to hit him where it would hurt. I did. It
got to the point where he would flinch at Riley's name. I was so wrapped up
in myself that while I was there, I failed to notice that he was alone. I wanted my revenge on Angel, and I got it by telling him about Riley. And I
wanted my revenge on Faith too. I never got a chance. We ended up having to
fight some demons, and she saved my life. She could've let me die, but she
saved me. That threw me. I wasn't prepared for her to actually do something good. I
went to LA having the idea that she would always be evil in my mind. And she
beheaded the demon that was about to stab me with my own weapon. So like the Buffy I usually am, I took my wounded pride and hostilely said
good-bye to Faith and Angel. I'm glad I never played sports, because I am a
really sore loser. I didn't think I'd ever see Angel again. I saw the disappointment in his eyes
at the person I had become. I regretted telling him all those things about
Riley, because I saw the pain of that reflected in his eyes as well. How much of the pain behind his eyes is because of me? With the knowledge that I would never see Angel again etched in my mind, I
returned to Sunnydale. He showed up less than a day later. He told me
Cordelia had had a vision about me being in trouble. Is he always going to
come running to me, no matter how much I hurt him, when he knows I'm in
trouble? I know he will. And the scary thing was, I was wondering if I would do the
same, and my mind was saying no. I was over Angel. That was it. My third mistake was sending Spike to go look for Adam with Angel. When I
went to go look for them, I found Angel beating Riley up, and Spike watching
on the side with a grin on his face. I didn't think, I just acted. I kicked Angel away from my boyfriend, and I
started punching him. I saw confusion in his face right before I hit it, and then I noticed he
wasn't defending himself, so I stopped. Spike approached us and said, "Slayer, I tried to stop him, but once he found
out that was Riley, he just wouldn't stop." I noticed that Angel had glared at Spike with murder in his eyes, right
before he had turned to me. "Buffy-" he started, but I stopped his voice with my hand. "Don't say
anything yet," I had said angrily. I went over to Riley to see how he was. Angel had done a pretty good job on
him. I turned to Spike. "Take him to get help." Spike had nodded and left
with Riley. Then I turned back to Angel. "What the *hell* were you doing you ass hole!" I
had yelled. "Buffy, please, I didn't-" Angel never got to finish his sentence because I
kicked the side of his face. I could hear his neck pop, but I didn't care. I
grabbed Angel by the collar of his shirt and threw him across the crypt we
were in towards the door. He just let me beat him up. He never laid a finger
on me. We were out on the sidewalk now, and I finally stopped hitting him. And now
comes the moment in my life I will always regret the most. I looked down at
his crumpled form, bloody on the ground. I pulled him up to face me. I had
wanted to see the pain in his eyes when I said what was coming. "If you ever come back here again, I'll stake you myself. I think you're the
worst mistake I've ever made." And I will never forget the look he gave me at that moment. I have only seen
Angel cry twice before, once that night on the docks, and once right after he
came back from Hell, and he was so lost and confused. A single tear trickled
down his face, and I could see that his heart had just broken. But his eyes
were the worst. They looked like all point of living had gone out of them. Angel didn't even bother to wipe the tear off his face. He just turned around and walked away. He didn't say anything. That was five minutes ago, and I'm still standing on the sidewalk, staring at
the spot where his figure had disappeared. I have never hated myself more. And I feel dead inside. I'm still standing in
the same spot, and more time has passed, but I'm not sure how much. Suddenly I hear footsteps behind me. I whirled around to face Spike. "Is
Riley okay?" I asked him. Spike nodded. "So, peaches is gone?" he asked. I nodded. "He won't be coming
back." Spike chuckled and I was curious. "What is it Spike?" I asked. "Nothing, I
was just thinking that you probably gave him the beating of a lifetime,
right?" I nodded. "And told him off?" I nodded again. Spike just chuckled. "What?" I asked, getting impatient. "Okay...you're gonna love this....you're going to think this is.... really funny," Spike said between laughter. "Just spit it out," I said. "Okay, when me and Angel came up to Riley, I told Angel he was Adam. That's why peaches was beating him up. Great, huh?" I felt all the color drain out of my face. "Oh God, what have I done!" I yelled. I started running in the direction that Angel had gone off in. A thousand emotions are running through me. I want to kill Spike, I want to go see how Riley is, I want to find Angel, and want to tell him I was just
mad, and I want to kill myself for breaking his heart. As I keep running, my mind is screaming to me "Why are you running after him?
Isn't it better this way? He can get over you!" And suddenly I stop. I know why I'm running. I still love him.
That hits me like ten thousand tons, and I'm trying to make my body move
again, because I'll never catch him if I don't. I love him. Then I start seeing things in my mind, like Angel killing himself over the
grief of what I've done. That got my body moving again. I finally see him, ahead of me, on the other side of the street.
"Angel! Wait, I didn't mean what I said, please stop!" I called, running to
get equal distance with him. He stops and we're facing each other, on
different sides of street. He doesn't say anything, he just looks at me with those sad eyes. "Angel, I
know that you thought Riley was Adam." I take a step out into the street.
"And I know that I have been the biggest bitch in the world." I take another
step. "And I know that you can't forgive me for what I've done to you these
past few days." I take another step towards him. "And I *want* you to know
that I'm sorry." Another step. "And I also want you to know..." I'm in the
middle of the street. I know that what I'm about to say is true. I never loved Riley. Not like I loved Angel. And as I'm looking at Angel now,
I can only see the two of us. I forget everything else, the fact that I have
a boyfriend, the fact that some people don't approve of me and Angel. All I
can see is him and me. Just as I'm about to tell him I love him, he looks over and his eyes widen.
He turns to me and starts running towards me. I look over and see bright lights heading straight for me.
I hear Angel scream my name as a terrible pain shoots through me. But I can't really feel it. The only pain I know is the pain of knowing Angel
never got to hear what I truly feel in my heart.... ...and then I know only the darkness. ******** I've lived two hundred and forty-four years on this Earth. I have witnessed all the major wars and historical events, because I've lived through them. I've seen terrible pain caused, I've even caused some myself, and I've had my share of pain as well. But nothing compares to the pain I felt with 20 little
words uttered to me. "If you ever come back here again, I'll stake you myself. I think you're the
worst mistake I've ever made." I've killed people. I've suffered for that guilt. I've caused imaginable
pain. I've even been to Hell. You think that something like that, like words,
wouldn't cut deeper than anything else, but it does. When you hear it from the one person you love more than anything else, you
can imagine. I knew that Buffy had moved on. She made that quite clear when she came to LA
to put Faith in her place. I just never thought she would *really* get over
me. God knows, I'm not over her. When she told me that she would stake me if I ever came back, I could handle
that. I knew she was talking out of defense because I beat up Riley. But when
she called me the worst mistake she'd ever made, that's what hurt. Because I think she's the best thing I've ever done.
And I don't mean it that way. Sure, making love to Buffy was the best I've
ever had, but that was because I loved her. Most people think that if I just
have sex, I'll lose my soul, but that's not it. Buffy and I were connected in
the most loving, intimate way that night. And I loved her so much, that I
felt no pain in that moment, only the pure bliss. Buffy was my true happiness, and I really thought I was hers too. Even after
that night, when I turned back into Angelus, she still loved me. She loved me
enough to send me to Hell, she loved me enough to take me in when I returned,
and she loved me enough not to hate me when I left. I guess it's true, you really can stop loving a person. Buffy has only one
flaw when it comes to our relationship. She thinks she endures all the pain.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I choose to let her think she's the tortured
one. It'll make her stronger in the long run. I've never brooded in a hospital waiting room chair. It's uncomfortable.
I'm still trying to figure out how it all happened. I was just...her
words...I wasn't prepared to handle anything. I was still trying to register
that she hated me into my mind when she came after me, telling me how sorry
she was. I was really confused. Did she hate me or love me? And I'm trying my hardest
not to think that I'll never know the answer to that. As soon as that car hit Buffy, and I saw her fly 20 feet away from me, and I
heard her head hit the pavement with that awful crack, I thought she was
dead. And something inside me died. I don't remember the man who hit her calling for an ambulance, I don't
remember the ride to the hospital. I only remember thinking she was gone. After I got over the shock, I called Giles. Along with him, Xander, Willow, Willow's friend, Anya, and Spike showed up. Riley was already here. He saw Buffy being brought in. I want to hate him,
but I know he makes Buffy happy, and that's what I want for her. I took in
his appearance. He was pretty banged up. I felt bad. Just another thing to
add to my guilty conscience. Riley keeps giving me icy glares. I told everyone the story, that Buffy
walked into the middle of the road, and I couldn't get to her in time. Spike
told Riley that he had tricked me. Riley didn't care. To him, it's my fault
Buffy got hit. *Everyone* thinks it's my fault. It's always my fault. It really is. Spike
seems like the only one who actually believes that it wasn't my fault Buffy
walked into the middle of the road, proclaiming her apologies. I glance at my watch. It's been an hour since she was brought here, how much
longer are they going to take? As if on cue, the doctor walks out. We all stand up. "Which one of you goes
by Angel?" he asked. I stepped forward. "She's been calling your name in her sleep. She had no
damage done to any bones, so she should be fine physically." "Physically?" Xander asked.
"Yes, but she suffered massive head trauma, and the longer it takes for her
to wake up, the less chances she has that she even will." "Put it into English," Xander snapped.
"She's slipping into a coma Xander," I said quietly. The doctor nodded.
Willow paled and sat back down, with her friend holding on to her hand. Giles and Xander looked like they were in shock, just standing there. Riley was crying. "Who can see her?" Riley asked. "It's very hard to calm her down when we get near her. She gets defensive.
And she's been calling for you," the doctor said, indicating me. Riley glanced over at me sharply. "So only he can see her?" he asked angrily.
"I just want to see if his presence calms her down. The more stress she's
under in her mind, the harder it will be for her to wake up." I ignored Riley's angry gaze and just followed the doctor into Buffy's room.
I tried really hard not to cry when I saw her. The whole left side of her face was so bruised I could barely recognize her.
She was tossing her head back and forth and moaning. "Angel...no...Angel!" she said, thrashing around. I hurried to her and took
her hand in mine. She quieted. I didn't notice the doctor leave. I just watched her face. Even with big,
purple bruises, she's still the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Ever. She was my greatest happiness, and I was her worst mistake.
I grip her hand tighter. If she really meant what she said, I'm going to
enjoy my last moments with her like this...watching her sleep. And as I watch her sleep, I can only think of one thing.
What was she going to tell me before she got hit? And I pray to any listening God that it wasn't another hurtful revelation. Because I think I would shatter otherwise. ***** "I think she's coming around." "Be quiet." "Please God, let her be okay."
"Buffy?" The first thing I realized was the pain. My head hurt. Then the second thing
I realized was that I needed to open my eyes. I slowly opened them, and bright light filled my eyes. I blinked, trying to
get used to the light. "Oh my God! Buffy!" someone said. I looked around. Where was I?
I looked over and saw that Giles, Willow, Xander, and my mother were all
there, but I didn't know the other person standing next to Giles. Before I could sort out my confusion, a man in a white coat walked in. White
coat. I was in a hospital. "Why am I here? What's going on?" I asked, panicking. I hated hospitals. They
always symbolized death. Always. "It's all right Miss Summers. You've just awoken out of a coma."
"What? What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. "Be quiet Buffy,
you'll only do further damage to your head," I could hear my mother say. What the hell was everyone talking about?
"What is going on. It doesn't help if I don't know," I said, getting really
annoyed with this doctor that was just poking and prodding me. "You've been in a coma for the past two weeks Miss Summers. It's natural to
be confused, but it's not good for your heath if you get excited," he said in
his professional doctor voice. "Do I look excited?" I asked, whacking his hands away from me. "Now someone
explain what is going on?" I asked. The man I didn't know sat down in the chair by my bed and took my hand. I
pulled it away. He looked confused. Who the hell was he? "Who are you?" I asked.
That just made him look even more confused. "Buffy, it's me. It's Riley. Your
boyfriend." Boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend. And how did I get back in Sunnydale? I
was going to LA. I was running away....Angel.... I curled into a ball and looked at him. "I don't know any Riley's and I don't
have a boyfriend. Not anymore..." I said, trying not to cry. I didn't want to
be here. I hardly noticed my friends exchanging concerned glances. "Buffy, are you
saying that you don't know who Riley is?" Giles asked. "Yeah. You know him? Could you tell me who he is, because the suspense is
killing me," I said sarcastically. The room was quiet, and I could see the confusion on everyone's faces. It was
then that I noticed something different about Willow. "Will, you cut your hair," I said. It was cute.
"What? Buffy, my hair has been like this for a while now," she said, looking
like I had lost my mind. I noticed something else. "Giles, Willow, you guys aren't hurt anymore. How
long have I been gone?" I asked. I didn't get an answer, just a confused glance from just about everyone in
the room. "Buffy," Xander said suddenly. "What's the last thing you remember?" I turned away from them. "I think you all know the answer..." she said. "Angel?" Willow asked, her voice unsure. I was about to say yes when Riley said, "And a car?"
I looked at him, wishing he would leave. "No, I remember Angel and Hell," I
said as the tears I had been holding escaped. "Oh my God..." Willow whispered. "She doesn't remember." I could hear Riley ask, "Remember what?" but Willow just hurried over to me and wrapped me in her arms, comforting me. "I sent him to Hell Will, I sent him to Hell...I didn't know you were trying the curse again...I didn't know..." Willow seemed to stiffen, but she suddenly relaxed again and kept rocking me.
As I started to fall asleep, I could hear bits of a conversation. "She doesn't remember..." "...anything past the summer she sent Angel to Hell."
* I can tell it's dark now. Opening my eyes is easy. No one is in my room, and
that's good, because I can feel myself crying again. I sent Angel to Hell, to experience ultimate tortures, because he loved me.
Because he trusted me enough...because he loved me enough...because we lost
ourselves in a blind moment of passion and he lost his soul....because I was
selfish. I'm sitting up and hugging my knees, and I've never felt so alone. Angel must
hate me so much. I couldn't even look at him as he was sucked away in that
vortex. I didn't want to see the hatred in his eyes. The hurt, betrayal, and hatred.
He had trusted me. I killed him. I can't stop the tears from coming anymore. I've tried to be strong, and it
doesn't work. I miss Angel so much... I can hear the door open and I look up. It was a nurse. "Is everything okay?"
she asked. "No," I whisper. "Do you need a doctor?" she asked. "No," I said, starting to cry again. I don't want to cry anymore. I just want
to forget. Forget about Angel, forget that I loved him, forget that he hates
me, forget he's being tortured beyond comprehension, forget everything. But I can't.
"Can it be helped?" she asked. "No," I said, wiping my eyes. It can never be helped. I'm shattered and I
don't think I can ever pick up the pieces. ****** This is too hard. I can't do it anymore. I can't just sit here every night while Buffy lies
there because of me. She's always lying there because of me. Why don't I just leave? When she wakes up she'll probably tell me to go to
Hell. Maybe not, because been there, done that. The phone rings and I hope it's good news about Buffy.
"Hello?" I answer. "Angel? It's Giles. Buffy woke up this afternoon." Thank God. "Is she ok?" I asked.
"Yes." "I'll be right there," I said. "But Angel, there's something-" I hung up the phone before Giles could finish
what he was saying. Whatever it was, it could wait. Buffy was more important. Even if she didn't want to see me, I had to make things right with her. Even it was for the last time. As I hurried to the hospital, I wondered why he hadn't called me the minute
she had woken up. I could've come in the sewers. Probably because Riley and Buffy wanted to be alone. I paused, wondering if I
should even continue. Buffy has Riley now. She doesn't need me. She made that very clear, more than
once. But she did apologize. Besides, even if she doesn't want to see me, I need to
see her. Even if it's just to say good-bye. I reach the hospital and take a shaky breath. I really hope I can do this.
I walk into the waiting room, and I can hear Xander and Willow arguing. "I can't believe you didn't tell her! That whole mess could've been avoided if you had pushed aside your little high-school crush and thought about what
was better for Buffy!" "I was thinking about what was better for Buffy. She didn't need Angel! She
didn't then, and she doesn't now! Look at how much happier she is with Riley!"
"You tell me one time Xander Harris, one time when you've seen that pure joy
in Buffy's eyes when she's with Riley. That's something she only has with
Angel, and if you had told her we were re-cursing him, she could've stalled
instead of sending him to Hell!" "You don't think I don't feel bad Willow? Every time I see Buffy heartbroken
and all messed up inside because of Angel, you don't think I feel bad?
Because maybe all that heartbreak could've been avoided if Buffy had never
sent Angel to Hell!" "That still doesn't make it right Xander. And the fact that you lied about
makes it worse. And the fact that you still hated Angel when he came back..."
"Why do you think I hated him Will? It was a defense. I felt bad! I still
feel bad! You don't think I haven't noticed that Buffy isn't nearly as happy
with Riley as she was with Angel?" "Well, since that incident is still fresh in Buffy's mind, why don't you go
tell her," Willow said. "I can't Willow. Do you know how much she'll hate me?" Xander asked.
"Then why did you do it? Knowing you'd feel bad, and Buffy would be hurt by
your betrayal. Why did you do it?" The room was quiet and I decided to walk in.
"How is she?" I asked, causing Willow and Xander to jump at the sound of
another voice. "She's fine, under the circumstances," Willow said. Circumstances? "What circumstances?"
"Giles didn't tell you?" Willow asked softly. Tell me what? What was going on? "What? How's Buffy?" I asked, panicking.
"She's...well...she lost part of her memory," Xander said. "Part?" I asked. What did he mean?
"She doesn't remember the past two years. The last thing she remembers was
sending you to Hell," Willow said. What? That's the last thing she remembers? She doesn't know who Riley is? We
could...we could have a second chance? I can feel Xander and Willow watching me as I'm trying to digest this
information. "That's why you two were fighting?" I asked. Xander's face lost
the remaining color it had had before. "You heard?" he asked. "Vampire hearing is...strong," I said. "Can I see her?" I asked, changing the
subject. "I don't know if she's strong enough to handle the emotions that will over
come her when she sees you," Willow said. "No, Angel is just what Buffy needs," Giles said, entering the waiting room
with food for everyone. "Room 216 Angel," Giles told me. I nodded and headed to the elevator. Buffy
didn't remember the past two years? She doesn't remember me coming back from Hell? Everything that happened that
year. Faith, the Mayor, Graduation, me leaving... She doesn't remember the pain we both went through because of that decision.
She doesn't remember moving on, sleeping with that guy who used her, falling
in love with Riley...she doesn't remember any of it. This is our second chance. I can feel a smile reaching across my face. This
can be our second chance. Things can be different. I can make up for all the mistakes I've made. I can learn to accept that
Buffy loves me, regardless of who I am. I can make love to her now that my
soul is permanently bound to me, courtesy of the powers. We can have our second chance. We can be together now. We can-
"Please Buffy, you have to remember." I stop right outside Buffy's room. I
look in and see that she is asleep and Riley is holding her hand. "Buffy, I'm so in love with you, it makes my head spin and my stomach churn,
and it makes my thoughts muddled, and my actions are just...I can't help the
way I am when I'm with you. You unlock this great person inside of me, and I
can't lose you now. You have to remember who you are. You're not 17. You're
not in High School anymore. Angel isn't in Hell. And you're with me, not in
love with him," Riley said, whispering the last part. I back away from the door. I can't. I can't take her away. It's wrong. She
loves him, and she's over me. I can't take advantage of the way she is now.
I can feel the tears streaming down my face as I slide slowly down the wall
to the floor. I can't try and make her be with me when she doesn't even
remember who she is anymore. I can't change what's happened in the past, I can't make her change the way
she feels about me. I can't stop her from hating me, and if I went back to
her now, she'd hate me even more. Because I don't think I can control myself if she tells me she loves me. Even
if it's not really the person she is now saying it. I stand up and start to walk back down the hall. I can walk away. She'll be
better for it. She'll be better for it. My face is soaked with my tears. Buffy's the only one who's ever had the
power to make me cry. Buffy... I just have to keep walking. I'm almost there.
Only a few more steps, and I can walk out the door and leave. Just keep going. Buffy doesn't need me. She doesn't love me. I can't go to
her. We wouldn't be able to stop ourselves. I'm almost there. My tears are blurring my vision. I have to do this. It's better this way.
My hand hits the door and I push it. It swings open. Don't look back. Just keep going. Walk away. Just walk away.
I can't control myself. I stop and I look back, and I can see her door. I can
almost see her name on the clip board that's in the plastic holder. It's better this way. It's better that I'm walking away.
That I'm walking away forever. That I'll never come back, that Buffy will never see me again. Buffy doesn't need me. She doesn't love me. I need to move on. She has. I turn back around and walk out the door. And as my heart breaks, and the tears keep falling, I tell myself only one
thing. It's better this way. "Angel!" someone calls after me. It's Willow. I keep walking. "You can't leave now! Not now, not when she needs you the most!" I keep going. It's better this way. "Angel, if you loved her at all, you wouldn't walk away! Not again!"
She has Riley. It's better this way. "Angel!" I turn a corner and I can't hear her shouts anymore. She doesn't understand.
It's better this way.
Go to Next Part
Summary: This is a response to Elizabeth's challenge to make Buffy loose her
memory and only remember up to when she sent Angel to Hell. It's her idea
that I couldn't resist, so it's not my original idea.
Spoilers: Rumors for "The Yoko Factor" and "Sanctuary", most of the 4th and
1st seasons of Buffy and Angel, most B/A history, general spoilers.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon created Buffy, Angel, and it's characters. If I
created them, you would know. Riley wouldn't exist on the show, there would
just be a picture of him hanging on a dart board on the door of my big
office.
Feedback: Is loved and appreciated! Please send me some! If I was Buffy,
feedback would be my Angel. I love it. So send me some if you like the story,
please?
Challenge:All right. I was thinking about all my Buffy rage,
> and how disappointed I was with the show, and I got a
> fic idea. Now, since I'm really busy, and really
> shouldn't start a new one, even though I might do this
> one at some other time, I thought I'd send it out to
> the lists. Ok, here it is.
> Spoilers for rumors of The Yoko Factor, or Sanctuary.
> I just need for Buffy and Angel to be physically in
> the same place. Then I want Buffy hit in the head by
> something, so that she's knocked unconscious, and
> wakes up with selective amnesia. In other words, I
> want her to wake up with the last thing she remembers
> being sending Angel to hell. I'd like Riley to be
> around so that she gives him a complete brush off, and
> clings to Angel like there's no tomorrow. She can't
> believe he's there. She thinks he should be in hell.
> Still with me? Then I want someone to try to restore
> Buffy's memories of the days she's lost, but the spell
> doesn't work quite like it should. Instead of
> bringing back season three and four, it only returns
> the memory of the day in IWRY. And then it should end
> in an appropriately fluffy fashion. Anyway, that's
> it. Someone please take me up on this! I'd love to
> see it! Thanks
Elizabeth