******

I've come to a conclusion.

I'm either dreaming or I've gone insane. I'm hoping for the first one, but I'm betting it's the second one.

I mean, why would I dream up some farm hick named Riley was supposedly my boyfriend. Why would I ever be with someone other than Angel.

Willow came in my room a couple of hours ago and told me what's wrong with me. Well, what she thinks is wrong with me.

She told me I have amnesia. That I don't remember the past two years. That it's really the spring of 2000, not the summer of 1998. She told me some other stuff too.

She said I ran away the summer that Angel went to Hell. She said that I came back and eventually got over Angel. She said I blew up the high school at Graduation to stop the Mayor from ascending. Whatever that means.

Then she said that me and her decided to go to UCSunnydale, and I met Riley there, and that we're in love. I don't buy that. She also said some stuff about some place called the Initiative, but I didn't care about that.

When I asked her if Angel ever came back from Hell, she didn't look at me and she didn't give me an answer. She said she had to leave, and that's what she did.

That either means two things. He's still suffering because of me, or he came back and hates me so much he left for good.

Willow also told me that Xander is dating a vengeance demon named Anya, and he's in love with her. Good for him, he needs someone to love. Then Willow told me that Oz left her to learn how to control his wolf, and she fell in love with a witch named Tara while he was gone. I was a little surprised about that, but I went along with it, knowing I would either wake up or I was imagining it all.

Giles is still Giles, if two years has really passed, but Willow told me he wasn't my watcher anymore, that he got fired and I quit the Watcher's Council. She also told me that Cordelia lived in LA and about another slayer that I put into a coma because she turned evil. Faith was her name. She woke up and someone in LA helped turn her around. She's in jail now. Like I care.

I'm still trying to deal with the fact that Angel is gone, and all this other stuff is dumped on me. My mom has been the least helpful, telling me to forget about Angel, because he was no good anyway. I thought she never wanted to see me again.

Well, I guess two years go by and I reconciled with her somewhere along the way.

If it's even been two years. Maybe I'm dead and this is my eternal Hell. But if I'm in Hell, where's Angel?

I can feel my eyelids start to droop, so I lay down on my pillow and will sleep to come to me.

*

I'm on a beach. The wind is flowing through my hair. The sun's warmth is hitting my face and it feels so peaceful. So very peaceful.

I can hear someone coming behind me. I know who it is. I'll always know.

Angel's arms wrap around me and I feel protected and loved. Something only he can make me feel.

"How did you find me?" I ask, vaguely aware that we're both in the sun.

"Even if I was blind, I would see you," he tells me. I close my eyes and smile.

"Stay with me," I say softly.

"I'll never leave....not even if you kill me...."

I bolt up in my hospital bed. It was just a dream. Just a dream. But Angel's words keep replaying in my mind.

"Not even if you kill me..."

I hug my knees to my chest and start to sob. I can hear the door open and I just want to be alone.

"Go away," I say.

"Is that really what you want?" the familiar voice asks. Could it...no...it wasn't.

I look up and my eyes widen. I can't believe who's standing five feet away from me.

Angel.

I can't speak, I can't even think right now. All I can see is Angel. But it's not real, I know it's not real. I sent Angel to Hell.

"Buffy, it's okay. It's me, I'm here," he says, coming over to me. His voice is choked and it looks like he's been crying. Could it really be?

He wraps his arms around me and I know I'm not dreaming because I can feel it and the warmth that comes when I'm with him. I hold onto his jacket, squeezing it and I start to sob.

It's him, it's really him. He's really here. And everything's going to be okay from here. I know it will.

Because Angel's here, and that's all I'll ever need.

I breathe into his clothing and I can smell that distinct smell that's Angel. It's my favorite smell in the whole world.

"I never thought I'd see you again," I said between my sobs. "I'm here now," he says, his voice cracking.

I look up and see that he's crying. I've only seen Angel cry once, that night at the docks. I reach my hand up and wipe the tears from his face, and that just makes him cry harder.

He does the same to me, and we're looking into each other's eyes. Before I know what's happening my lips are on his, and we're kissing. It's bittersweet and tender, and our tears are mixed in with it.

We both pull away and I look at his face. There's confused, happy, sad, and guilty emotions mixed into his expression.

"Promise me you'll never leave," I whisper.

He pulls me close to him and starts stroking my hair. "I promise," he whispers.

That's all I need. That's all I'll ever need.

*******

I have one weakness. Buffy.

As soon as I turned the corner and I couldn't see the hospital anymore, I knew I couldn't walk away. I couldn't.

Forget being noble and letting Riley win. Right now, Buffy needs me the most, and while she may hate me for going to her when she gets her memory back, she isn't the same Buffy I fell in love with.

The one in that hospital is.

That's when I turned around and went back. And that's why I find myself holding her hand as she sleeps.

When I came in earlier, she was crying. She told me to go away, not even looking to see who it was. When she finally looked up to see who was in her room, she was shocked. I would be too. I held her in my arms while we both cried, I kissed her and my heart broke at the memory of how tender and loving her kisses are, and now I'm watching her while she sleeps.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to take her in my arms and kiss her and love her and never let go, but the other part of me knows that she's in love with someone else, and it would be so wrong to take advantage of her.

And it's so hard, knowing my soul is permanent now. I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it softly. The sun's almost up, but I'll be back.

I look for a piece of paper to leave her a note, when I hear the click of the door.

"What are you doing here?"

I turn around and I find myself face to face with Riley. Great.

"Same thing as you," I reply.

"I'd say you're taking advantage of her situation, getting in as much as you can before she gets her natural senses back," Riley tells me.

I fight down the urge to punch him.

"I'm not taking advantage of her. She needs me now, because she thinks she sent me to Hell, and she's still in love with me in her state of mind right now. As soon as she gets her memory back, I'll leave and you'll never see me again."

I'm such a hypocrite. Wasn't I just telling myself that I *was* taking advantage of Buffy? But my words actually made sense, I guess I just needed to hear them.

"No!"

Me and Riley look over to see Buffy sitting up, staring at us. "You told me you'd never leave again. You promised!" she said to me, her eyes showing her pain.

"You just came back from Hell, and I'm not losing you again!" she told me, almost yelling.

I turn to Riley. "You didn't tell her?" I asked.

"Willow didn't tell her. Place blame where it's needed," Riley said to me.

I look at Buffy. I have to tell her the truth about our relationship. See if she wants me after that.

"Get out," I say to Riley, needing to tell this to Buffy alone. "You're going to tell her the truth? Good for you, I didn't know vampires were honest," Riley sneered.

I felt my face vamp out. "Get out!" I said, practically pushing him out of the room.

I turn to Buffy. "What's the truth?" she asks quietly.

I sit down in the chair by her bed. "Buffy, when you came home after the summer you left, I came back from Hell, and me and you decided to be friends. It didn't work and we got back together. Before your senior prom, I broke up with you in the sewers."

She looked like she was going to cry again. "You know about Faith, right?" I asked. She nods.

"She poisoned me, and the only cure was slayer's blood. You tried to kill Faith, but you only managed to put her in a coma, and you couldn't get her blood, so you let me drink yours. I almost killed you. We fought the mayor, and then I left to LA. It's almost been a year since I left."

She was quiet. "Why did you break up with me?" she finally asked, looking at me angrily.

"It was a lot of things. I couldn't give you walks in the park, children, a normal life, and I knew you wanted that."

"Is that where this came from?" she asked me quietly, pulling the neck of her shirt over, revealing the scar I gave her when I drank from her. I can't look her so I look down and nod.

I can feel her hands on my cheek and she lifts my face up to hers. "Then I love it, because it's a part of you that's forever with me. How can I hate that?"

I pull her into another kiss. I miss this Buffy, the one who isn't so self centered. I know that's an awful thing to say, but ever since I left, Buffy's changed, and her attitude is very self centered. I wish it wasn't.

I pull away, and her hands are still on my cheeks. "See, it's not so hard," she said softly. I chuckled, and gave her a small smile.

"Things are going to be better Angel, I promise," she tells me, placing tiny kisses on my cheeks.

"And Angel, I don't want parks or children. I just want you," she adds, pulling me into another kiss. God I love the feel of her lips. "I'll always just want you," she whispers.

And I wish with all my soul that she means that.

But she doesn't.

****

I hate the saying "Patience is a virtue." It was obviously said by a very patient person who wanted to make himself feel better by saying he was virtuous.

It's a stupid saying because no one in this world is perfectly patient. Especially not me, and especially not now.

"Just a few more papers to sign Mrs. Summers, and then you can take your daughter home," the receptionist told my mother. I rolled my eyes and leaned back in the wheelchair I was in.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, my mom finished signing all my release forms. The nurse wheeled me out to our car, but I could hardly hear her words of good-bye and feel better.

I was too excited. I would see Angel. We could be together. After Angel told me about everything that's happened that I don't remember, we spent all night talking about it. It was so wonderful, just to hear his voice.

He told me that I didn't love him anymore, that I had moved on, and while he would be here for me, we couldn't be together, because when I regained my memory, I would be angry at him.

I told him I would beat up my future self if I yelled at him. He laughed. I love the sound of his laughter. To me, it's the most beautiful sound in the world.

He told me all about how much he hated leaving me, but he really thought it was for the best. Then, everything just came pouring out. How miserable he was without me, how much he hated Riley for everything Riley could give me, how much he hated the way things were between me and him before I lost my memory, and how much he still loved me.

Then I told him how much I regretted making him sleep with me. He was shocked when I told him that.

"Why do you regret it? It was the best night of my life," he told me softly.

"Because of what it did to you. It was my fault, if I hadn't pressured you into it-"

He put his hand over my mouth. "It wasn't your fault. I have never thought it was. It happened, and we couldn't control it. I never knew you felt this way Buffy," he told me.

I nodded. "I do," I said, trying to fight off the tears that were threatening to surface.

"And I didn't want to send you to Hell. I didn't want to," I said, the emotions overwhelming me. I couldn't control myself anymore and I started to cry.

He held me in his arms. And then he said something that I will never forget. Something that made me fall in love with him all over again.

"If you asked me to close my eyes again, I'd do it in a second."

He said with so much love and trust, it made me wonder how we ever drifted apart in my future.

As the nurse helped me into our car, I touch the scar on my neck lightly. I already love it. It makes me feel like there's a part of Angel engraved on me forever.

"Buffy?" Mom asked as we drove out of the hospital parking lot.

I look at her. "Me and you have to talk about Angel," she said.

"Look Mom, I know you're upset that I slept with him, even more so that he's a vampire, but I love him. And he loves me," I say. He loves me. A smile creeps up on my face at the very thought.

Mom sighs. "Buffy, you two lead two different lives. He lives in Los Angeles, and you have Riley, who's a very nice boy. Besides Buffy, you don't remember. You'll feel very different when you do. I promise. Don't cause yourself more heartache."

I turned away from my mother. I didn't want to fight with her, not again.

"Buffy? Did you hear me?" she asked as we pulled into our driveway.

"Yes," I said.

"Are you going to abide by what I've said?" she asked.

"No," I told her, getting out of the car.

I walked up the steps to my house and opened the door. I groaned inwardly when I heard the loud yell of "Surprise!"

I was tired, but I put on my best smile and said, "Thanks you guys!"

Willow came over and hugged me, and it was then that I noticed the absence of Oz. And Cordelia. I mean, I subconsciously noticed it, and Willow might've even mentioned it, but things with Angel we're taking up a lot of my time. What happened to them?

"Where are Oz and Cordelia?" I asked. Then a thought struck me. "Are they dead?" I questioned, fearing the answer.

"No Buffy, Cordelia lives in LA and works for Angel. And I broke up with Oz," Willow said. Then I looked around the room to see who *was* there.

Willow, Xander, was it...yeah, Anya, Giles, Willow's friend...Tara, I think, and Riley. No Angel.

"You guys didn't invite Angel?" I asked. "We all thought it would be better if he didn't come," Mom said as she walked in.

"Not all of us," I heard Willow mutter.

I looked over at Riley, hating him even more by the second. "I'm not going to sit by you," I said.

*

I wasn't listening to Riley's story about his farming days back in "good 'ol Iowa". I was thinking about the night I sent Angel to Hell.

And something was bothering me. How did he get his soul back? I know the powers that screw up Buffy's life didn't do it. They wouldn't make me kill Angel with his soul. He's a warrior for them. No, Willow had to have tried the curse again.

But why didn't I know about it? Why didn't anyone tell me?

"Did you try to re-curse Angel from hospital Willow?" I blurted out, right in the middle of Riley's story.

The table went quiet. They all know what I'm talking about.

Willow looks at Xander and then she turns to me. "Yes, Buffy, I did."

"Then why didn't you guys tell me? I could've stalled. He wouldn't have gone to Hell." I say. I know my face looks pained to them.

"Buffy, this doesn't matter, it was a long time ago," Mom says. "Riley, please continue your story. Just ignore Buffy. She was a little rough around the edges when she was seventeen."

"It does matter Mother. Why didn't anyone tell me?" I ask, standing up. I can feel the tension in the room. There's something I don't know. That my future self doesn't know either.

I notice that Xander is looking anywhere but at me.

"Xander?" I asked questioningly.

"Buffy, this is silly. Just calm down and-"

"What is it!" I demand, cutting my mother off.

Xander finally looks up at me, and his eyes are filled with regret and fear.

"When I caught up with you that morning, and I told you Willow said to kick Angel's ass? Well, I was supposed to tell you we were re-cursing him. And I didn't, because I didn't want you two to be together."

I feel like I've been hit in the stomach. I can't form a complete thought. Xander? One of my best friends? I can feel myself taking deep breaths.

"What?" I manage to get out. I know my expression is making him feel bad enough, I can tell, but at this point, I don't care. I'm scared, and confused, and now this?

"Is there anything else?" I ask bitterly. "Did one of you try to kill Angel and then make him promise not to tell when you failed? Or hey, maybe someone persuaded him to leave me, for my own good! And that's why we broke up!"

Mom looked away. Oh God...

"You didn't," I say, knowing she had. She had done something.

"Right before your graduation, I went to Angel and told him a lot of things. How you had tough choices coming up, and if you couldn't make them than he would have to. That it was better for you two to be apart. I think it's why he broke up with you. Buffy, I'm sorry, I thought I was doing it for your own good."

"Yeah Buff, I did at the time too," Xander said.

"I don't believe this. You destroy the one thing that matters to me, and act like it's just something I'll forget, that I'll just forgive? For people who have my best interests at heart, you don't know what's best for me at all."

"Buffy, it was two years ago."

I look at my mother. "It wasn't for me. It's still fresh in my mind every second. And to think two years *have* gone by, and I still don't know the whole truth. Now I know why Angel thinks I hate him as my future self. I probably do, thinking it was just him who decided to leave me. Just him who hurt me. God, how do you sleep at night?" I asked, looking at my mother and Xander.

"This is unfair Buffy," Mom says.

"No, you wanna know what's unfair? All the pain Angel and I have had to go through just to make you all satisfied."

"Buffy, you have Riley now. Angel doesn't matter anymore," Xander said. Willow glared at him.

I turn to Riley. He looks confused and a little hurt. I don't care. I don't know him, and I don't want to.

"I just want you to know one thing," I say to Riley. He looks at me, and I give him my iciest glare.

"Go to Hell."

I turned around and started to leave the house. "Buffy!" Willow called after me.

I looked back. "He's staying at the mansion on Crawford Street."

I gave my best friend, the one I could always count on, a smile.

Then I turned and walked out of my house with no regrets.

Because this time it really was for good.

*

I knock on the large doors of the Mansion. I can hear Angel's muffled "Hold on!" and I smile.

He opens the door and frowns. Why is he frowning? Then I remember that I have tear stains on my face.

"Can I come in?" I asked. He nodded and I went inside. I turned and clung to him. He returned the embrace. "Why were you crying?" he asked, stroking my hair.

"Xander never told me Willow was trying the curse. And my mother made you go away," I said.

"Your mother told you about that?" he asked. I just kept crying.

"I'm so sorry. I love you so much. You know that, right?" he asks me, and I pull away and look into his eyes. He's crying too.

"I know," I whisper.

Soon, we're kissing and that's all I can feel. The only thing I can think is how can you love someone so much and not burst? How can you do the most awful of things to a person and have them do it back, and still want to be with them so much it aches when you're not?

I don't know how we ended up there, and I don't think he does either, but as I feel my body being laid on something soft, I know we're on his bed.

"Angel...the curse..." I whisper.

"Is permanent," he says. I think he might've already told me, I'm not sure, but it doesn't matter.

We're kissing with a fierce intensity, and I never want to stop.

"Angel, let's do it right this time," I whisper.

"It couldn't have been more right the first time," he tells me softly.

"Okay then," I say with a small smile. "Let's do it right again."

And again, the only thing I can feel are his kisses and caresses. And as we're making love, I can't help but think that this is perfect happiness.

And that's something you don't find every day.

*

This truly must be what heaven is like.

Buffy is laying beside me, curled up in my arms, and I would stay like this forever if I could.

Buffy starts to stir, and I look down at her as she opens her eyes. "You're here," she says. "It's real."

I smile at her and nod before giving her a gentle kiss on her lips.

"Angel," she says as we lie there together. I look at her, waiting for the rest of her sentence.

"How bad does my hair look?" she asks me. I can't help but laugh at her. She's so innocently cute in the morning.

"It looks perfect Buffy. In fact, I think it's too perfect."

I take some of her hair and flip it over to the other side of her head. "There, much better," I say with a laugh.

She smiles at me. "You've changed." "You laugh more. You smile more. You act more goofy," she says as she puts her hair back into place. "I like it."

"Me too," I tell her. Soon, her lips are on mine. God, I love kissing her. She starts chuckling into our kiss and then pulls away.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

She lays down on the bed and grins up and me seductively. "Oh Angel, we're all alone in this big bed. Whatever are we going to do?" she says with a false pitiful voice.

I grinned and pretended to think about it. "I have no idea..." I trailed off.

I was still pretending to think about it when she shot up and pulled me down on top of her.

"If you really don't know," she said seductively. "Let me show you."

As her lips trail all over my face, my neck, my chest, my lips...Wesley's words keep playing in my mind.

"Do you realize how rare true happiness is?"

Yeah, I do.

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