Feedback: Pretty please?
Disclaimer: Wish they were mine...but they aren't. They belong to a cruel, cruel man.
Notes: Takes place in fourth season Buffy, first of Angel. But Willow has died. Oh, and when I wrote this I had read spoilers saying that Cordy and Angel were going to be roommates..hence that set up.
Rating: Um...pg14 for some swearing? I'm awful at these.

He hadn't meant it when he'd told Buffy it was her fault. Xander gently traced the name carved into the gravestone in front of him, his mind going over ways he could have changed it; anything that would make it different than it was now. Maybe if Buffy hadn't been sick that night. If Willow hadn't insisted on going with her to keep an eye on her. He shook his head sadly. He knew his best friend better than that. Once she had her resolve face on, nothing could dissuade her from her plan of action. He should've known better than to take his grief and anger out on Buffy.

Saying that didn't change anything though, as Giles had coldly pointed out to him. They had all been grieving over Willow's death, but Buffy had the added benefit of believing it was her fault. Another flash of guilt ran through him at the realization that the last thing she had needed at that point was his accusations. She'd given her all in trying to save Willow from the one vampire that had been lucky enough to knock the stake from her hand. And maybe one second earlier, she just might have been in time to save her. If he lived to be a hundred he knew he would never forget the look on her face when she came back to tell them what had happened.

At the beginning, they'd been able to share in their grief. But it hadn't truly hit home until her burial. Until Xander had laid eyes upon the unfeeling stone that marked Willow's last place of rest. It was then that he'd looked accusingly at Buffy, just as the stone looked at him now.

During a private moment afterward, she'd tried to comfort him. Any control he'd kept over his emotions had been lost. And he'd made it very clear who he held responsible for Willow's death.

She hadn't been seen since. It had a different feel to it than after the Acathla incident. Though he was reluctant to admit it, Xander knew that this time, she wouldn't be found. But unlike last time, he had only himself to blame for it. Oh, they knew she was still around. The lack of vampires and other potential threats indicated that. Xander thought back to their confrontation at her party last year. He'd only now begun to realize the immense amount of guilt they'd placed on her tiny shoulders. Shoulders that now continued to assume the responsibility of keeping them safe, but denied themselves any companionship. Not even Willy knew where she was hiding out during the daylight hours.

"Well, Willow. It's time I head home. I'll stop by again tomorrow to talk." Xander stood and walked away, pretending not to notice that Oz was standing in the shadows, awaiting his own private time with the woman he loved. Oz had dropped out of college not long after her death. And his interest in the Dingoes seemed to have vanished as well. Xander knew he would eventually get back into the band, but nothing would ever really be the same again.

What had started out looking like a great year - no Angel, his own money and his three closest friends attending the local college together - had rapidly become a mockery of any happiness he might have once had. Even in his grief, Oz had been stunned at the harshness with which he'd spoken to Buffy. Conversations between him and any of the former Scooby gang - for it was now truly extinct - had become tense and brief. If only Buffy would come back to them like she did before. Maybe Giles and Oz would forgive him. And maybe then, he could forgive himself.

****

"So she hasn't been seen since?" Angel asked the question wearily, stunned by both the news and the changes in the man before him.

Giles just shook his head defeatedly; his last hope now extinguished. Of any of them, he would have thought she might run to Angel for help or support. But from Angel's shock and grief at hearing about Willow's death, he was obviously wrong. "Nobody has seen her. We know she's still around somewhere, because the vampire population hasn't increased at all. But it's been a month since any of us even heard anything about her. And unless Willy is hiding something..."

Angel narrowed his eyes at the last comment. It was possible that the weasily little man wasn't saying everything he knew. He wasn't exactly what you would call a brave man. Any threat of violence on the part of the Slayer could be enough to buy his silence. Anger competed with worry as he tried to imagine where she could be hiding out. Was this all his departure had given her?

From what Giles had told him, though she had been upset after his leaving, she had at least been accepting of her new life. Had tried to find whatever happiness she could. She might have been successful too, had it not been for Willow's death and Xander's harsh accusations. Remembering what Giles had told him about Xander, Angel felt his temper flare once again. After all she had sacrificed for them, this was how he repaid her?

That anger was echoed on Giles' face. Anger almost as fierce as that which had been directed at him during his first encounter with the Watcher after his return from hell.

"Truthfully, Angel. I was hoping you'd be able to track her down. You've always been good at it before." Giles swallowed hard as he looked into the vampire's eyes. "And I think you're the only one of us who really understands what she's going through. You may be the only person who can convince her it wasn't her fault." A pained look crossed Giles' face as he looked back down at the floor. "Just like Jenny wasn't really yours."

Angel could only stand there. Realizing that he had just been granted something he had never expected to receive from anyone except Buffy herself: forgiveness.

Too emotional to speak, he nodded his agreement and headed quickly for the door. Stopping only to utter two words. "Thank you."

Giles gave him a pained smile before turning and heading towards his kitchen, presumably to prepare the pot of tea he had graciously offered Angel upon his arrival. "Angel?"

"Hmm?" The look of desperation on the other man's face nearly broke his heart. It was the look of a father who had lost his child.

"Promise me you'll bring her back to us?"

He didn't have the heart, nor the inclination, to lie to the man. "I promise I'll try." He gave one last sympathetic smile before reaching for the door handle, just stopping himself from closing it when he heard what was said next.

"You can even take her with you to L.A., if you want. If you think it'll help her, you can go anywhere you need to." Angel looked at him in disbelief. Was he truly willing to give up his slayer like that? Giles just shook his head sadly. "I can handle having to do her slaying. But I can't live not knowing that she's safe and cared for." Giles gave a sad chuckle, an almost proud smile crossing his face. "I hear you've made a good business of helping lost souls. Maybe you can help this one."

****

By most standards Sunnydale was a small town. But it had never felt larger than it did on this night. After searching through yet another empty cemetery, looking for any signs that a fight may have ensued, Angel leaned wearily against a tombstone. "Where are you, Buffy?" The thought of her dying alone and unknown in a graveyard made him feel sick inside. Cursing himself for having made it deliberately difficult to get in touch with, Angel pushed himself off the tombstone, freezing when he saw the name engraved on it.

Kneeling down, he placed his hand over where she lay, almost convinced he could breathe life back into her body by will alone. Angel bid her a silent farewell and sent up a prayer of thanks for everything she had done for both him and Buffy. A twig snapped in the distance and he leapt up, quickly moving to hide behind a taller stone. The person responsible for the noise slowly came into view and he suddenly thanked whatever force had made him to stop at Willow's grave.

She was a lot thinner than she had been on the day of her graduation. Food had obviously been scarce for her, as had sleep. But it didn't look like it bothered her at all. Her clothes had been chosen to help her blend into the night. The scariest part for him was the look in her eyes. The dead, utterly hopeless look that dominated her entire face. She sank down to sit at the foot of her friend's grave, and he got the impression this was a ritual for her. "Hey, Will. I dusted five or six more vamps tonight. I think even Giles would be proud, if he knew. But I didn't find him. I will soon though, and maybe then I'll get to see you again. Even if you can't forgive me."

Angel's very soul froze at her words. "I wish I could tell everyone goodbye, but maybe it's better this way. Xander was right. I'm just a painful reminder of your death." She was playing with the cross around her neck. The same one he had given her the first night she met him. She gazed down at it sadly. "I think I finally know how Angel felt after he came back. After Jenny, I mean." She laughed bitterly. "You remember that day with the snow, Will? That's the only thing that saved Angel's life that day. Even after I'm gone, I think I'll still be grateful for that. I never really thanked you, for giving him his soul back. You gave me a chance to say goodbye to him. I wish I could tell him how I felt now. Tell him I still love him." A look of fear appeared on her tired face and Angel had to fight the impulse to run to her. "Do you think he'd still love me after all this? Knowing what I did to you?"

"I know he does." Unable to listen to any more, Angel stepped out of the shadows. Buffy gasped and jumped to her feet.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was suddenly harsh and unforgiving. But he had heard what lay beneath that tough exterior, and even had he not, still would have known. "Why aren't you gone like you said you'd be?"

"Because you needed me. Giles, Oz, Xander...they're all worried about you. I'm worried about you. As soon as Giles told me about Willow..."

At the mention of Willow's name, Buffy looked terrified. Of his reaction to it? Angel didn't know, but he wished he knew the words to comfort her.

"Leave me alone. I don't need anybody." Her shoulders slumping, she didn't even spare him a parting glance.

'I hear you've made a good business of helping lost souls. Maybe you can help this one.' Giles words ran through his mind and Angel now knew what he'd meant by them. To help her even if she didn't want it. She was halfway across the cemetery by now, still trudging slowly. Lurking instincts that he tried to keep under control while in L.A. and around people rose to the surface once more. So she was shocked when he appeared in front of her, pulling a stake from her waistband.

"Get out of my way, Angel. I don't want to use this, but I will if you force me. I told you I don't need anybody. Not even you."

He just looked at her steadily, trying to ignore the hurt that ran through him at her words, no matter how false they were. "I know."

Weakened as she was, she only had time to give a pained whimper as his fist made contact with her jaw. He caught her as she fell, clutching her slight weight against him securely. She couldn't have weighed more than 90 pounds and he let out a cry of his own as he realized how close he'd come to losing her. And how easily he still could.

Buffy let out a groan as she woke, the pain in her head the first thing she became aware of. The second thing was the arm clamped securely around her, holding her tightly against another body. She frowned as she went to turn around, almost afraid of what she would see. She didn't remember going home with anybody, but considering how she'd been feeling lately, couldn't rule it out either.

A pair of deep brown eyes gazed at her in worry, though a tense smile crossed his face at seeing her awake. She glared as much as her aching head would allow, the memories flooding back.

"You hit me."

The familiar guilty look replaced the relief on Angel's face. "It was the only way I could stop you from leaving without becoming dust. I didn't mean to hit you so hard." The shame coming off of him was so intense that she almost felt bad for causing it. Then the pain got even worse, and any thoughts of forgiveness fled.

"You probably gave me brain damage." Struggling weakly, she managed to get out of his grip, sitting up slowly. Angel just sighed wearily and got up from the bed, leaving the room. The cold of the unfamiliar apartment seeped into her, and she hugged herself to get warm. Only then noticing that her usual dark clothing had been replaced with a shirt she recognized as being his. Embarrassment coloured her face a deep red at the thought of him having changed her while she was unaware. He came back into the room, handing her an ice pack. But he didn't try to touch her again. "Did you have fun?" The bitterness of earlier was back in her tone, and Angel couldn't help but wince.

"Your clothes were dirty, and you needed a bath. I didn't do anything else, I swear." He hadn't thought it possible, but her face got even more red. Needing to get away from the accusation written on her face, Angel went to stare out the window. "It isn't like I've never seen you like that before anyway." There was anger in his voice now, though he hadn't expected there to be and didn't know its source.

"Asshole." Surprised at the venom in her voice, he turned to look at her. She was gazing down at the ice pack she held in her hands, her expression neutral again. Walking back over to sit on the bed, he took the ice from her, gently setting it against her bruised face. "Why did you come back, anyway? I thought you didn't want to see me anymore."

"You know that isn't true, Buffy." Angel understood her resentment of him, but that didn't make it any easier to bear.

"Isn't it? I must have done something wrong. First you left me, then Willow." Her voice broke on a sob and he struggled to keep from taking her into his arms. She shoved the icepack away, continuing in a whisper. "I must have done something wrong."

He tilted her head up to look at him, gently holding it in place. "I didn't leave because of anything you did. I left because I love you too much. And Willow dying wasn't your fault, no matter what Xander told you."

"She should never have been there that night. He was right about that."

He shrugged, his eyes never leaving her face. "Maybe not. But you couldn't have stopped her from going. You know that. And she knew the risk." Angel knew it was a good thing Xander was two hours away from him at the moment. He of all people should have known Buffy's tendency to feel guilt where it wasn't needed. Angel shook his head at the unfairness of it all. This was just another way thing they had in common. Not that it changed anything between them. "Giles told me what Xander said, but he didn't mean it, Buffy. He was hurting and you were the only one he could think to blame. I'd do anything for him to take back the things he said to you, but I can't."

At the mention of Giles' name Buffy's face clouded over with worry. "I forgot about Giles. He doesn't know where I am."

"I called him already, he knows you're staying with me. And it wasn't like he knew where you were before anyway." He looked pointedly at her, not wanting to add to her guilt, but needing her to understand what she meant to so many people, what she had put them through by disappearing.

She stiffened up again, pulling away from him. "Well, great. Now that we've had this little reunion, which I had no interest in attending, can I go home now? I have vampires to slay."

Buffy was surprised when Angel shook his head. She opened her mouth to protest but he silenced her with a dark look. "Giles said he could handle the slaying for a while. He doesn't know how to help you, so he told me to try."

"I don't need any help. Especially from you." She looked down at her hands petulantly.

"Don't you? Isn't the guilt just eating you up inside? Hurting you so much you'd do anything to stop it?" Angel vividly recalled the day of the snowfall, back when she had been the strong one. How different things were this time around. "Willow's death was tragic, and I'm sorry you're hurting so much. But no matter how much you seem to believe it's your fault, this isn't what she would have wanted. You have to let go of this."

Pain and shock enveloped her expression. With a sudden burst of energy she jumped up from the bed, but Angel stopped her before she could reach the door. Fists flailing, she tried to get him to let go but he stubbornly held on until she stopped, collapsing against him in tears.

Pulling her closer, he stroked the top of her head soothingly and lowered her until they were kneeling together on the floor. When he spoke again, it was barely even a whisper. "You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

She looked up at him through tear-filled eyes. "I didn't know who to go to. Giles and the others, they didn't understand. And Xander.they didn't know, they couldn't."

She dropped her head again, burying it in his chest. He didn't force her to look up at him again, just continued to stroke her hair softly. "Maybe not. But I do."

****"What the hell do you mean she's staying with Dead boy?" Xander's voice rose in fury as he glared at Giles' calm demeanor. "He's had her this whole time and didn't bother to tell anybody? I always knew the bastard was selfish, but I didn't think he would use Willow's death as a way to get his girlfriend back."

Cold fury replaced the calm as Giles stared at the boy. "I'll thank you to refrain from speaking about him that way." Xander could only stare in shock. After all he had done to them, Giles was ready to accept him back into the fold? The Watcher just shook his head sadly before turning away to prepare his cup of tea. He was finding it hard to even look at him, Xander realized guiltily. But that didn't make Buffy's current situation any safer for her.

"You're just going to let him keep her there? He certainly changed his tune about her at the first opportunity, didn't he? Have you forgotten what he did to her the last time they were alone together? He almost killed her."

"And how is that different from what you did?" Giles spoke calmly enough, but the person under the civilized veneer of watcher was close to the surface. Guilt stamped itself on the boy's face, and he sighed weakly, indicating that Xander should sit. It wouldn't do any good to release his tension on someone hurting just as much as he was. "He didn't even know about Willow's death until I called to tell him. We weren't having any success locating her. Angel had never failed to find her before, I thought it was worth a shot." Xander seemed to at least understand that much. "As to her staying with him for some time, that was my idea. Angel would never have taken her away without my permission."

"Why? Why didn't you just tell him to bring her back here?"

Giles looked at him sharply, wondering if the boy truly didn't know or was just denying it to himself. "Because she's afraid that we hate her. If he brought her back here she would most likely run away again." Giles laid his teacup on the table, bowing his head in defeat. "No.we can't do anything for her right now. He's the only one."

"How do you know he won't just suck her dry again?" Anger was rapidly building in Xander. Was everyone else truly so blind to Angel's faults? "How can you just forgive him for everything?"

"Because I know that he loves her. And she needs that right now." Looking at the boy, Giles finally realized the depth of his anger and resentment towards the ensouled vampire. "But even now, you can't let go, can you? He might be our last hope of getting Buffy back, and you're still focused on your jealousy. On your pain. What about hers?" Xander looked as if he wanted to speak, but Giles held up a hand. " She lost a friend that night too, you're not the only one that has suffered. She needed you to be there for her, but instead you pushed her even further away." He knew he was only adding to the guilt that Xander had been putting himself through since her disappearance, but his frustration at nearly losing Buffy had gotten the better of him. "Even now, you would deny her the one thing that could make her happy again, that could heal her."

"Do you really think that little of me? That I could even be thinking about dating only a month after I put my best friend in the ground?" Xander's fury matched Giles' now. "But maybe she is. She's never stopped wanting her precious Angel. Well, now she's got him, probably sharing his bed too. But all in the name of healing.. when she's got friends here who could help her just as well."

"I think it would be best if you sit down and shut up now. She's been found for only a day now and you're already attacking her. Yet you wonder why she couldn't come to you. You're going to listen and listen well to what I have to say. Maybe then you'll understand. If you don't think you can manage that, then leave right now. And don't bother coming back. Buffy doesn't need a friend like that, not at this stage in her life. Am I understood?"

The venom in the older man's voice was enough to silence him, but the rage still brewed under the surface.

"I don't think I realized this until the subject of re-cursing Angel was brought to light. I won't deny that I wanted to see him dead. That part of me still wants to see him suffer long and hard before he dies. He took something from me that I can never get back." Jenny's image rose before him, and Giles found himself choking back tears. This wasn't the time. "But you wanted him dead for a different reason. I won't deny that some of your intentions were honourable. But that day in the library, when you were using Jenny to further your arguments, you had no right. You acted as if you were the only one who'd been hurt by Angelus. As if he'd taken something irreplaceable away from only you." He paused, giving his words time to sink in. When Xander looked at him with a hostile, questioning look, he continued. "And maybe in a way he did. But he took it long before he lost his soul. He had Buffy from the moment they met. He still has her. You've never forgiven her for loving him, have you?"

Xander wanted to deny it. But he knew that Giles knew the truth. He just shook his head numbly, not having the strength to speak.

"I can't pretend to understand what they have. Or how she could go back to him after everything he did to hurt her, to hurt us. But I don't blame her either. She didn't choose to love someone who can sometimes be bad for her. But she does, and there isn't anything any of us can do about it. No matter how much we may wish we could."

"Why are you bringing this up now? After everything that's happened.. after Willow." Xander's voice broke and bowed his head wearily.

Why had he brought it up? The last thing he had ever though he would do was defend the guilt-ridden vampire, yet he'd been unable to sit by and watch Xander speak ill of him. The answer lay in an apartment two hours away.

"For Buffy. If.. when she comes back, she'll need our support more than ever. And that includes her relationship with Angel. They may not be together anymore, but that doesn't mean he won't still be a part of her life. And I think it's time you learned to accept her for what she is. Even if that means accepting Angel. Can you do that?"

For Buffy's sake he wanted to say yes. But under Giles' scrutinizing gaze, he wasn't so sure.

****

"Your turn to baby-sit?" Cordelia raised an eyebrow at Buffy's question, but didn't answer. At Angel's request she had made herself scarce over the past two weeks, spending most of her time off at Doyle's. Something he'd had no complaint about, until she insisted that he sleep on the couch. She didn't like him quite that much.

Angel hadn't been at work the whole time, but he'd finally realized that life did march on and rent still had to be paid. Hence her sudden return to her own apartment. "Well?" Buffy looked up at her grumpily.

"You get paid to baby-sit. I live here, and I wanted to rent a couple movies. You just get to keep me company." Cordy dropped the plastic bag on the table and sat down next to her, sighing at the skeptical look Buffy shot her. "Okay, so Mr. Broody told me to make sure I stayed in for the night. He has a case to work on and Doyle is sick of working alone."

Buffy looked pissed. And the last thing she needed right now was to be that close to a pissed off slayer. She moved a little farther away and started taking things out of the bag. Setting Buffy's diet coke in front of her, she waited for some other reaction. None came.

She was getting to be as bad as Angel. "You have to talk sometime. All this silence.. you might as well be by yourself."

"Maybe that's what I want. Angel treats me like I'm a child, as if I'll break any second. The guy can't take a hint."

"Uh huh." Cordelia was already getting sick of this new Buffy. She didn't know how Angel had managed to stay sane. "You were alone for a month, and look what happened. You look awful. God, have you even been using conditioner? I know for a fact that Angel has some."

A smile threatened to appear, but she watched as Buffy forced it down again, her eyes tearing up. "I think I actually missed you, Cordy." Buffy finally looked up at her, heartbreak written on her face. "Why are you guys doing all this for me? Seems no matter what I do, you won't leave me alone. Angel's barely left my side and now you're here."

"Because we care. And because right now you're too stupid to see what's in front of your face."

Cordelia's tactlessness should have come as no surprise, but it hurt anyway.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She glared at the brunette. Angel hadn't been exaggerating when he'd told her how bad off Buffy was.

"It means that you've been so wrapped up in what you lost, that you've forgotten what you still have."

"And that is?" Buffy was angry again, but it was better than the frightening lack of emotion she had been displaying before.

"Us.. all of us. We never stopped caring about you. Not when you ran away last time, and not now."

"But Xander said."

"Xander's an idiot who doesn't know what he's saying."

"Angel left me. How is that caring?"

Cordelia was actually relieved at hearing that. "So you do feel something. Okay, so this self-pity thing is getting old quickly, but at least it's something. You think Angel doesn't care? Why the hell do you think he brought you here in the first place? Obviously not for sex." Buffy glowered at her again, and she swallowed hard. Maybe that was the wrong thing to bring up. "He's worried about you."

Buffy didn't respond, just looked down at her tightly clasped hands.

Cordelia shook her head as she surveyed the wreck of a slayer that sat in front of her. "I'm not going to even go into this. He mopes about you enough as it is. You know how he feels, me saying it again won't make it any clearer to you. Besides, that's not why you're here." She was verging on dangerous territory here. Territory that Angel had urged her to avoid. But since he wasn't getting anywhere on his own, she didn't care.

"It's not your fault about what happened to her. God knows she's the last one of us that deserved to die that way. But you're only human, even if you are the slayer. Tragedies happen, killing yourself won't bring her back. You'll only hurt everyone even more."

"It still hurts."

"And it should. You lost your best friend. Life doesn't stop just because she died. All you can do now is deal with it." Tears were flowing down Buffy's cheeks now, but she kept on. "I don't care what you have to do. And neither does Angel. The guy loves you, Buffy. If it means you have to cry or scream at us, we can take it. Hell, I think Angel might even let you beat up on him. But you can't do this anymore."

"I can't help feeling guilty. She shouldn't have been out there."

"If you want to talk to someone about guilt, the expert will be back in a couple hours. Angel knows what you're feeling because he deals with it everyday." A smirk crossed Cordelia's face. "A little too much, actually. He can be quite the downer at times. I think he's cracked a smile all of five times in the last few months. If he didn't look so good when he broods, I don't think I could even put up with it."

Buffy just stared at her for a moment. Then, unbelievably, she laughed. "I thought I was the only one who noticed that."

"No, we noticed. But I was afraid you'd kick my ass if I said it out loud."

Buffy just shrugged, smiling slightly. "Maybe you're right. I do get possessive when it comes to him. Willow always said.." The smile vanished suddenly. Reaching out, Cordelia squeezed her hand.

"It's okay to laugh, you know. She'd want you to be happy. And I think she'd be glad Angel came back for you, especially if you actually let him help you. You have to let someone in, and I can't think of a better person for the job. He understands you, maybe he's the only one who really does. And it's not like he's running out of time. But you are. Just think about it, alright?"

Buffy pulled her hand out of her grasp, but nodded her agreement. "Good. Now can we please watch these movies? They have to be back tomorrow night, and if I return them late, Doyle will kill me."

***

Xander hesitated as he pulled his hand back to knock on the door. Giles didn't even know he'd come here. Didn't even know he had the address. He hadn't seen her in a month and a half, and the separation was driving him crazy. Well, that and the knowledge that she was with Angel. He hoped she had been smart enough to not get too touchy-feely with him. Meeting up with Angelus was the last thing he needed right now. And Willow wasn't here to re-instate the curse.

There wasn't any use in waiting, and if he turned around and went back home he would've wasted his bus fare. Taking a deep breath, he knocked, preparing to confront Angel. So he was shocked when he saw Cordelia answer the door. Apparently the surprise was mutual.

"Xander? What the hell are you doing here?"

There was a look of maturity about her that had been lacking back in Sunnydale. Maybe L.A. had that effect on a person. "Hey, Cordy." A thought occurred to him and he frowned. "What are you doing at Angel's apartment?"

She huffed and he saw a glimpse of the Cordelia he was more familiar with. "Why does everyone call it that? I pay rent here too, you know. Ugh, we're really going to have a talk about that when he gets back. What?"

"You and him aren't."

"Involved? Please, like I'd ever date him. He's so serious all the time. Besides, Buffy would kill me if I so much as kissed him on the cheek." Buffy. His heart skipped as he remembered his reason for coming here. "Is she okay? I mean, is she here?"

She immediately looked suspicious. "Why do you want to know?" She narrowed her eyes even further as she glared at him. "And how did you find his address, anyway? Did Giles give it to you? Cause if he did, Angel's going to be real pissed."

"No, I kinda peeked at his personal files." She just shook her head at him. "What? I had good reason to."

"I'm waiting."

"I just don't think it's such a hot idea for Buffy to be staying here. She needs to come home, to be with her friends."

"She needs Angel. And the last thing she needs right now is you. Jeez, what made you say that to her anyway? You're half the reason she's such a mess right now."

"I didn't mean it. I was just.."

"Upset? Yeah, well so was she. And she didn't need you to add to her guilt. Willow was her friend too." Now that she had the chance to confront him, she found she couldn't hold back. "Every time something happens you seem to think you're the only one who is affected. That you're the only one who is hurting. Grow up, Xander. The world doesn't revolve around you and your pain."

"Cordy? Is Angel back?" Xander's retort froze on his lips. He'd never thought to hear that voice again. Ignoring her protests, he pushed passed Cordelia into the apartment.

"Buffy?" The smile disappeared from her face, and she stopped dead in her tracks, just looking at him. She looked afraid of what he would say next. "How are you?"

Cordelia recognized the signs of an imminent shut down and rushed to stand beside her. Buffy smiled gratefully at her. "I'm dealing. You?"

"Been better. I-I miss you. We all do." Buffy just shrugged and gave him a tentative smile. "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it, any of it. I was just hurting. I guess I should have realized you were too."

"That's alright. I've dealt with worse before." He smiled in relief, moving to embrace her. Not ready for that much closeness right now, she stepped out of his reach. "It's nice to see you again. How is everything in Sunnydale? Hellmouthy as usual?"

Xander just nodded, accepting her boundaries. "Pretty much. Giles is taking care of it though." He was hesitant to bring up the reason he'd come in the first place. "When are you coming home?"

"Whenever she's ready to." The voice was harsh, clipped. Angel shut the door behind him, barely concealed anger making his motions all the more controlled. "How are you?" Xander watched as he spoke to Buffy. As she allowed him to embrace her when she'd refused him the same thing. "I'm okay." Though Angel had released her, she kept close to him. "Good." He smiled at her before turning back to look at Xander. The boy looked understandably scared, and angry. "Why did you come here? I told Giles I'd keep in touch and let him know how she was."

"I came to bring her home. She shouldn't even be here. We can help her more than you, she needs her friends."

"That's exactly why I brought her here." From the look on his face, Xander had obviously not missed the implications in his words. "As you can see, she's doing fine." But she was far from fine; he could feel her trembling.

Not caring what Xander thought, he reached out and pulled her against him, one arm around her waist. The shaking eased slightly.

"You expect me to believe that? Have you forgotten that little detail of the curse? You haven't stopped touching her the whole time."

"Xander, shut up." This came from Cordelia. "They haven't done anything wrong. He's just trying to help her."

"Is that what they call it now? Because I call it taking advantage of the situation. I just knew you leaving Sunnydale was too good be to true. I wonder what her mother would think."

Buffy's face had gone ashen by this time, and Angel found his self-control dwindling. "I don't particularly care about that at the moment. She isn't here for that. And she isn't staying forever. Only until she's ready to face all of you again."

Xander knew Angel wouldn't give in, so he turned to the only person who might listen to him, knowing Angel would let her go if she wanted to leave.

"Buffy, please come home. I promise it'll be different this time. We can talk about it, or not. Whatever you want. Giles needs your help. He's not as good at staking vamps as you are. It just isn't any fun without your punning." He smiled at her, hoping that reminders of happier times would convince her. They didn't.

"I'm staying here, Xander. There's just too much to deal with right now. I need time."

"Time to think about Willow, or time with Dead Boy?" He knew he was being unreasonable, but he couldn't help it. It hurt that Buffy would rather stay with the thing that had almost killed her than come home with him.

"I think you'd better leave now." Angel's voice was quiet, but full of menace. "I'll be sure to keep Giles posted. You can ask him anything you need to know."

"I don't really think it's up to you."

"You're right, it isn't. She's free to leave if she really wants to. But I won't force her to go so that you can assuage your guilt. She's got enough to worry about."

Xander turned to Buffy expectantly. "Buffy?" Her only response was to shake her head and lean further into Angel's embrace.

"Fine, but this isn't over." Cordelia looked disgusted, and Angel was ready to kill. Buffy wouldn't even look at him. Too angry to be intimidated, he looked right at Angel. "Don't take too long, we need our slayer back."

He waited for a response, but never got one. Snorting derisively, he walked to the door, slamming it behind him.

****

"You sure you're ready for this?" Angel looked at her concernedly.

Though she was shaking, Buffy was certain this was what she had to do. What she was finally ready to do. Xander's visit had set her back a little bit, but thanks to Angel, Cordelia and Doyle, she was finally coping. Though Angel promised her that the pain would ease with time, she wasn't sure it would ever get back to the easy friendship she had once shared with Xander. Not after the things that had come between them.

"Yeah, I should be alright, thanks." This was harder for her than she was letting on. Angel had been her main support for the last three months. To go back to the separation of before, she wasn't sure she could handle it. "This isn't going to be easy."

"No reason it should be." He looked at her somberly. "It'll be hard for them too, Buffy. You've been away from them for a long time. Though I expect Giles explained it to them in a way they could understand. But don't ever let them tell you that you were wrong to take time for yourself. Okay?" She had told him about her time away from Sunnydale and how they had treated her afterwards. Though he hadn't necessarily thought she had done right by running away, they had treated her unfairly upon her return. She smiled gratefully at him before looking out the window to where she knew her friends would be gathered. Oz had called them just the other day to tell them about the private memorial service that he wanted to hold, to ask if Buffy would attend. It was then that Buffy knew he didn't hold her responsible, and never had. Angel suspected that had gone a long way in convincing her to come back.

"You want me to go with you?"

She turned back to look at him, shaking her head. "No, this is something I have to face on my own. But I couldn't have done it without you and the others. I guess I should thank you for hitting me that day." Angel couldn't help but laugh at that. The bruise had healed quickly, but she hadn't spoken to him for days afterward.

"Yeah, well I figured I owed you after those punches you gave me." To his relief, she actually smiled. It was comforting for him to know they had returned to the easy relationship they had once shared, even if they weren't a couple anymore. She reached for the handle, but he stopped her. "Buffy?" His face had turned serious again. She hated it when that happened.

"Yeah?"

"Before Willow died. Was there anyone else? I mean, were you dating?"

She looked uncomfortable with the question, playing with her fingers for a couple minutes. "There was this one guy, Riley. He was kinda cute, I guess. He seemed interested."

"Do something for me?" She looked at him questioningly, then nodded. "Call him."

"Why?"

"Because you need someone to make you feel special, someone to go see sexually explicit foreign films with." He'd hoped she would smile at that last part, but she didn't.

"You make me feel special enough." "But I'm not here with you. He can be. Don't give up on men just because we didn't work out like we wanted."

Tears were forming in her eyes as she gazed up at him. "I want you. Don't want anyone else."

He reached out and grasped her hand. "I want that too. But it can't happen, not right now. I have to go back to my own life. And I have people to help, my own demons to slay. Just promise me you'll call him? Let him take you into the sunlight like I never could."

She nodded reluctantly. "Will you do the same?"

He frowned at her question, but it was only fair that he answer it. "Maybe. But I told you; you're the first person I loved in 244 years. Hard to top that, and I'm not sure I want to." She smiled at the reminder of their discussion, back when Faith had still been an issue between them. "Besides, I went 80 years without someone, I think I can handle being single for a while." Buffy looked at him, obviously thinking about something important. "What is it?"

"Can I take a moment?" He wasn't sure what she meant, but nodded anyway. Smiling brightly for the first time in months, she leapt from her seat and landed hard on him, kissing him fiercely. His first instinct was to push her away, but he quickly fought that down, realizing this was something they both needed. When they finally broke the kiss, she sat back gasping for breath. "Do you realize how long I've wanted to do that?"

"Do you realize how long I've wanted you to?" For a moment, everything was all right between them. There was no curse, no issues about children and sunlight to get in their way. But it had to end sometime. He figured sooner than later would be easier. "You'd better go. They're waiting for you."

She gave him one last kiss, only this one was gentle, sad. It was a goodbye kiss, the one they had denied themselves months ago. She opened the car door, stepping out slowly. Her bag grasped tightly in one hand, she turned back to look at him. "Keep in touch this time?"

He smiled at her innocent request. "Of course. I want to hear all about your new roommate from hell, and about this Riley guy. Gotta make sure he's good enough for you. And Cordelia wants you to visit from time to time. I think she wants to take you clubbing in the big city."

"Cordelia wants me to visit?" Surprisingly, there was a teasing note in her voice.

For the first time that Buffy could remember, Angel actually looked shy.

"Maybe I do too." Her smile was answer enough for him.

"Angel?" He had looked away from her, but at his name turned back to gaze at her intently. "Do you think maybe we might be able to try again sometime? When we've both sorted things out?"

"I hope so, but it won't be for a while. I'm not ready yet. When the time comes, I'll let you know."

"Am I still your girl, then?"

"Buffy, you never stopped being my girl." His face turned serious. "Don't forget what I said about you needing your own time to deal. Now go, they're waiting for you." He gave her one last encouraging smile before starting the car and pulling away. Only then did she realize he had used the word 'when' instead of 'if'. Buoyed by that knowledge, she picked up her bag and headed across the graveyard toward Willow's gravesite, and her friends.

Giles met her halfway, a smile lighting his face. "My dear girl. You're back."

She smiled as his arms wrapped around her, hugging her tightly. "I am Giles. I really am."

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