Disclaimer: Buffy and Angelus belong to Joss and Co. I'm not making any money off of this or anything. Can you believe that?!
Rating: Um. You can watch you can read?
Feedback: I beg for it. This is my first real B/A(us) fic, so I'm a little nervous. Kind words would be appreciated!
Note: Angel never got his soul back. This is five years after I Only Have Eyes For You
Dedication: To Jules, she got me to start reading it! I would have never written this without her constant nagging, err.. um. well, I can't think of anything to substitute, so I'll stick with nagging. J

It's all so new to me. These feelings that I have for him. I know that they are wrong, but if they are, why does it feel so right? He is my enemy. He is nothing but a monster. But yet, I love him. For years, he has done nothing but taunt the love that Angel and I share. He does nothing but bring me down. He pushes me into this pit of despair and I know I can never climb my way out.

I have always been in control. Why does this all change because of just one man? He's not really a man, either. A demon of the night. Created for the ultimate evil to make others just like him. I must kill him. If I know this, then why don't I? Is it because I am scared? No. It's because I can't. So many nights, I have come face to face with him, but I always run. I know I could kill him. If I can, then how come I let him live?

It's all because of these damn feelings I have for him. I love him. He's everything I would ever want and so much more. He knows. He knows how I feel about him. He knows it is no longer Angel who I long for, but for him. He knows that I want him, but what he hates is that he wants it just as bad. He knows that I love him, and he knows that he shares that same passion. That's why we've never killed each other.

Each fight with us is to see who will break first. It's a challenge that we started long ago when we knew how the other felt. Every night we meet in the cemetery. We taunt each other into breaking, but neither will let ourselves be defeated. I wonder what would happen if he gave in. Would he just stopped, pull me into his arms and kiss me with a ferocity that only he can possess? Or what if I gave in? Would the same thing happen when I ran to him? I don't know. Not anymore. Years ago I could predict the outcome of any event. But Angelus baffles me to the fullest extent. Sometimes I think he loves me, sometimes I think he hates me. Maybe we have a love-hate relationship. You see, that's why we can never really be together. Because our love for one other is too abusive. Not saying that he would never take care of me because I know he will. But every time with him is a sad reminder of what Angel and I shared. And he knows this, and he uses it to hurt me.

But it's like I said before. It's no longer Angel I want. I know that if he came back, things would never be the same. Every time I would be in his arms, I would imagine being in Angelus'. I still remember when the ghosts had taken over our bodies so long ago. It was part Angel and part Angelus that was kissing me. It was caring like Angel, but it had that raw passion that Angelus has. That was the first night I realized that I wanted Angelus. He was Angel plus some more. Ever since then, I've wanted him more.

But what I want, I can never have. Never. So I keep to myself and tell no one my feelings. If they knew, they'd ship me on the first bus to the loony bin. Every night, I struggle to push back these feelings I hold for him. And every night, I fail.

Go to the companion, Hate's Love

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