DISCLAIMER: Not mine... don't sue.
TIMELINE: The Same Night -- after Rain threatens Angel and storms out. Toss the fluffy ending of Part IX.(September 2291)
SPOILERS: None
SYNOPSIS: Rain has found out everything, and stormed out, in a rage... what happens next???DISTRIBUTION: You know the drill! If you already have some, it's yours! Otherwise, just ask! :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The past couple of days have been interesting. I've received both positive and negative feedback for both of my versions of To Touch Eternity. Some people were impressed by the angst and the anger. Others by the fluff. So I thought about it. and thought about it. and the fact is, the fluff was just too simple for me. It can't be that easy. But I still wanted some of the new scenes that I had planned for this chapter and the next. So, how about a compromise? This chapter contains both elements - angsty mush, if you will. I told you that I threw out the next couple of chapters of the angsty bit, and that is STILL true. But this new direction should satisfy everybody. especially ME. ;)
Okay. the mushy ending to Part IX didn't cut it. So, let's just pretend that didn't happen. Think of it as an alternate story that ENDS the series. Go back to the rage scene, and we'll move on from there, 'kay? *grin*
Also? I stole a line from the fluffy version to use in this chapter. I REALLY like that line. *grin*
Rated: R... for possible non-explicit sexuality. *grin* I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA WRITE SMUT FOR THIS SERIES YET! STOP BUGGING ME! *wink*

Rain:

To say that I was devastated was like saying the Titanic was an unfortunate boating accident.

I can't honestly remember what I did right after I threw my hissy fit at Angel's house. Other than sob hysterically, that is. I had found answers -- all the answers I thought I was looking for. And boy, were they not answers that I wanted.

In one single night, nothing I thought I knew was intact, anymore. I wasn't even the person I thought I was. My life, my Calling didn't even mean what I thought they meant. I was left with a big, fat goose-egg of self-knowledge.

But worst of all was Angel. I thought he loved me… I thought he was so damned noble to remain true to his life's only love for centuries. I thought it was an honor that he had let me in to his heart as far as he had.

But now? Now every word Angel had ever said to me… every moment we spent together… tasted like a lie. Like a betrayal so deep, I didn't see any way that I could ever forgive it. And he felt like a monster to me for the very first time. A monster that kissed me with nothing but lies on his lips.

Angel never gave a damn about me. He didn't have some deep sense of duty to protect me that had, somewhere along the line, blossomed into something more. He followed me around because he saw me as someone else -- that same some someone who I could feel now invading my being -- erasing who I once was. I felt like Buffy was taking me over… taking away everything I had ever believed to be true, and moving herself right in. She took me… she took my best friend. And I hated her for it.

I couldn't stand the pain. I couldn't stand the hysterical tears that forced me to stop every few feet and lean on the sword -- her sword, which I was barely even aware I was holding anymore -- to keep from collapsing to the sidewalk.

What was I going to do now? Who was I? What did all this mean? How could Angel DO this to me? To hide my Calling and his nature from me was one thing… there were legitimate reasons for that which I could understand… but this?

I was so blinded by fury, a couple of times I considered just turning around, going back, and killing Angel. I wanted to feel his dust settle on my skin like I had a hundred vampires before. I wanted him to hurt the way he'd hurt me with his lies. I wanted him to be gone, so he could never hurt me again, and I could just forget he'd ever existed.

In those moments, I hated him. I wished I'd never lay eyes on that beautiful face… wished he'd never held me in those strong arms, or kissed me with those cool, tender lips. I wished he'd never made all those dramatic, romantic promises to be by my side. My side! HA!

Most of me just wished that I'd never been born at all.

I couldn't even grieve or rage like a normal person. All my own memories were suddenly jumbled up with a whole other person's life, filled with moments a hundred times as tender, as heartbreaking, as any Angel and I had ever shared. Remember their life together made everything in mine seem shallow and dull by comparison.

But, if I was her, hadn't *I* shared them with him, too? Didn't that life belong to me, as well as her?

NO! Whatever stupid mystical bullshit that tied me to Angel and Buffy, it was still not my life. *I* wasn't wearing a wedding ring! *I* didn't have his mark on my throat! *I* never vowed anything to him!

"Rain, wait!"

I barely heard him through my sobbing, and even when I did, I didn't stop. I kept plunging forward like a zombie on auto-pilot, my body hitching and lurching with almost unbearable devastation.

I was pretty upset.

Angel finally caught up with me when I was forced to stop. I was crying so hard I couldn't keep myself upright anymore, and I fell to the grass on one side of the sidewalk. Clutching the sword to me like a teddy bear, I curled up on the ground and wept for all I was worth. Looking back? It was pretty damned pathetic. But right then, I felt like the earth had suddenly dropped out from beneath my feet, and I was quickly sinking right into the pits of Hell.

Hysterical thoughts jumbled in my head, fighting simultaneously for my attention. Questions screamed to be answered. I didn't understand any of what was happening, and I didn't even know how to begin to.

I felt Angel crouch down beside me in the grass.

"Get…*sob*… a*hitch*way… from *choke* ME!"

"Rain, please… Don't leave like this. Let me explain."

I struggled to sit up. Angel reached out to help, but I yanked away.

"I…SAID… DON'T… TOUCH… ME, DAMN YOU!"

He pulled his hand back.

I sat there, crying, and he sat there, watching me. After a few minutes like that, he said:

"You have to believe me. I never meant for things to get this far. I was just… confused. I didn't understand what it all meant. So how could I tell you?"

My head snapped up, and I glared at him. (At least, I assume I was glaring…) "LOOK AT MY FACE! You mean to tell me you didn't understand that I was her the first minute you saw me? Please, Angel! How stupid do you think I am?"

His eyes darted away from mine to stare down at the grass. He frowned.

"I don't think you're stupid, Rain. I just didn't want to see you get hurt."

I laughed bitterly. "Oh, but finding out the truth the hard way… that doesn't hurt at all! NO SIR!" Finding my anger, and with it, my strength, once more, I used the sword to help me stand. Angel rose slowly with me, ready to assist, but not touching. I looked at him. He couldn't meet my gaze. "I can't believe you would do this to me. I thought you loved me."

He finally looked into my eyes, and I could see that his were filled with tears… with longing, with sorrow, pain and regret.

"Rain, I do. I always have." He finally reached out to touch me, laying his hand gently on my arm. This time, I didn't pull away. I hated him, but I loved him with an equal vehemence. "Please. Come back to the house. It's cold, and you don't even have a coat on."

I just stood there, shaking, totally unable to move. He was right. It was cold. And I was coming apart at the seams with confusion and anger. I didn't respond at all as he gently took the sword from my hand (smart Angel…) and guided me back toward his house with his hand on the small of my back like a gentleman escorting a lady across the street.

Walking back into the chaos I had left strewn all over his floor, I noticed the ambiance for the first time. All the candles… the soft music… the bottle of wine, open on the bar. What had he been planning for tonight? After a moment, I realized, and started to cry again. Talk about your irony…

Angel set the sword down next to the door and helped me tenderly to the couch, as if I was wounded. I sunk down, staring at the pictures on the floor. I looked at her face… my face… what part of me that wasn't blazing with jealous hatred was practically dancing with joy.

I couldn't hate Angel. Who the hell was I trying to kid? I'd loved him forever, with all of my being… with all of the depth of devotion in her heart, as well as mine. All that had once been inside her was now inside me. And I knew there had been times when Buffy tried to hate him, too. When she hated him for the demon that shared his beautiful body… when she resented his attempts to be noble, to protect her as though she was a small child…

But I also knew that even through all that… through Angelus… Faith… his leaving… she still loved him with every breath she took, to her very last.

I didn't realize he'd walked out of the room until he returned with a glass of ice water in his hand. Still unable to look at him directly, I took it and sipped at it half-heartedly. Angel sat down beside me.

"I know you're angry with me, Rain. You have every right to be. But, I beg you, please try to understand how hard this has been for me," he said softly.

I looked up at him, totally incredulous, "Hard for you? Are you kidding? I don't even know who I am, anymore!"

He blanched, and shame flowed across his features. "You're still you," he whispered, "You're still exactly who you've always been. She's always been a part of you. You just didn't realize it, until now. I guess maybe I did… I should have told you, I know. But I didn't know how to accept it myself. Or, really, how to explain it."

I thought about what he was saying, for a moment. And despite my lingering anger, I realized that he was right. I realized that my soul had begun to open and remember on that very first night (was it only two years ago, now?) that I spied him outside the club, watching me from the edge of the crowd.

I remembered that feeling I'd had when I first saw his face -- that sensation of connection, of deep, complete familiarity, and I recalled every time it had washed over me, since. I knew who he was, all along. I just didn't know that I knew.

"I didn't know how to tell you," he went on, "Or even if it would do you any good at all if I did. I struggled over this, Rain… every moment we spent together. I wanted to tell you. But there are ties between us that I am only just beginning to understand. Ties that go far beyond our souls…"

The tears that had been welling up in his beautiful brown eyes began to trickle down his cheeks, and sparkled in the soft light that filled the room. So much sadness... so much pain… centuries, thinking he would walk the earth alone until the end of time. And then he met me. I almost forgot my confusion and anger in the sudden flash of compassion I felt for him.

Sure, I had a right to be upset. I should be confused and angry. But the longer I sat there, looking at him in the flickering shadows, the less it seemed to matter.

I understood him. I was furious, still, but I understood. Would I have done any differently, in his place? All of Buffy's life, Angel fought to shelter her… to give her the best things she could have under the circumstances. Sometimes his decisions were faulty, but they were always based on love, pure and true. And didn't every human being have a right to make mistakes? And whatever else he might be, Angel's heart and soul, at least, were human. Could I really fault him for wanting to keep me safe… make me happy?

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, they say. And there we were, marching toward it for a second lifetime, hand in prideful hand.

I sighed.

"Listen, Angel. I can't tell you that I'm not really, really angry with you. But…" I took his hand, and he raised his teary eyes to mine, "I love you. With all of my heart. And I know you only did what you thought was best for me. That's all you've ever done. She knew it, and I know it, too."

He seemed to stop breathing for a moment as he looked so deeply into my face, I could swear he was reading my thoughts.

"I know I'm a fool," he said, "But I do love you, Rain. No matter what else, you have to believe that is true. And I know that I love you as much for the woman you are now as for the woman you once were. Maybe more, because you're both." Believe it or not, I believed him. My mind was filled with a million shining, beautiful moments of exquisite joy and crushing pain that we had shared a lifetime ago. They were my memories, too. I knew that now. I could feel every emotion that played through them, in my bones… in my heart. Maybe I still didn't get it fully… but seeing the truth dancing in Angel's eyes wiped away a good deal of my doubt.

More than anything else I had gained that night from Buffy, I knew that a life without Angel was a very lonely, very cold, very empty life. And I wasn't about to go through that pain again, no matter how mad I might be at him right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel:

I didn't know what the Hell I was doing. After Rain left, I just stood there, in the wreck of my living room, and felt my heart collapsing with shame and grief.

Was I always doomed to do this? To cut her so deeply? The First once told me that I was born to hurt her, and in that moment, I had believed it was true. I believed it again that night, while I could still scent Rain's confusion and rage in the air. I felt like Hell's best weapon against the Slayer -- I didn't have to kill her, I could just crush her heart and her spirit again and again, disabling her like no sword ever could.

I wanted to die. I wished Rain had just beheaded me, and I could have been done with this existence, once and for all.

But then I remembered… remembered almost a hundred years of joy with my wife. Through struggle and pain, yes, but still with more happiness than a monster like me deserved. I remembered Rain's grace in the face of so many earth-shattering things that had torn into her life over the past few years… how she accepted who and what I was with perfect understanding. I remembered what I had learned from the D'Archit about our eternally entwined destinies. I thought of the sword she carried in her hand.

And I couldn't let her go.

When I caught up with Rain, five blocks away, her anger pounded against me… her confusion and sorrow burned my heart like holy water as I talked her into coming back to the house.

I tried to explain myself, but every word sounded lame and trite to my ears. There were no words to express what I felt for her... or what tied us together. There were no legitimate excuses for my silence. All I could do was reassure her that I loved her, and I had only done what I'd done because of that love.

How many lifetimes would I spend having to apologize to her? When I would I stop doing things that I had to apologize for? I was full of the same guilt and shame that I had always felt in her pure and glorious presence. I wasn't worthy of her love or her forgiveness, no matter how much I wanted it.

But she gave it to me, anyway. Her hand in mine was so like a blessing, I was finally overcome by the tears that had threatened all night. She was my redemption. By loving her, by serving her, that was how I was to earn my forgiveness. In another lifetime to come, she would defeat Hell -- and I would stand by her side. My confusion and pain, my deep shame and remorse for a million things that I had done, were nothing when compared to how important Rain was to the world. And how much I adored her.

It was my honor… my duty, to push my own selfish feelings aside and accept whatever sweet pain sharing another mortal lifetime with her might bring.

I saw and felt Buffy in her, but I knew she was more… she was her own human being, and I loved that person, also. Maybe my love was doubled, because both of their spirits shone from her eyes. I don't know. But I tried to tell her, anyway.

A new peace seemed to settle over her, after a time. And as it did, it crossed the small distance between us, and settled over me, too. I was no longer confused. I felt bat that I had hurt her, but that deep, wrenching pain was gone, leaving me free to think clearly once more.

Rain blessed me with a tentative little smile, and I knew that she was sharing her calm with me. A certainty flowed in the air… a truce, between us. We would figure this out, together -- the way we always had.

"Would you… um… would you like a glass of wine?" I asked her like an idiot. There was only so much we could solve in one night, so we might as well try to recapture normalcy as best we could.

Rain chuckled. "Very smooth transition," she teased. The light tone of her voice was genuine. "Sure. I'd love some."

I walked slowly over to the bar, still feeling stunned, almost numb from the many changes of emotion I'd been through, that night. I was drained, and exhausted, but I could feel some small measure of my earlier resolution returning, too.

Rain was right. I had always only done the best that I could -- what I thought would keep her, and Buffy before her, safe and happy. A little more of my pain seeped away, and was replaced by a little more joy. I handed her a glass and thought, 'How did I get so lucky?'

But it wasn't luck. It was Destiny.

"To eternity," Rain said with a smile.

"To eternity," I agreed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rain:

I was dizzy, sitting there next to him in the candlelight, as if we hadn't been so close in years.

Of course, in a way, we hadn't. At least, that part of me that was Buffy hadn't. I wanted to laugh and cry and dance and punch him and jump his bones all at the same time. A million things she had wanted to do and share with him, along with a billion things never said came crowding into my mind, fighting to materialize.

Unfinished business sure could give a girl a headache.

After we toasted Eternity, we sat there, quietly sipping our wine and staring at the blazing fireplace. I knew his mind was jammed full of as many overwhelming sensations as mine was. I wondered if this was what he felt like all the time, being around me. No wonder he was so reluctant to ever come closer. I'd never been so confused, and yet so completely sure, before in my life. As stopped fighting all my new knowledge…as I allowed it to fill me, it gave me more understanding of more things than I ever thought possible. It was like I could touch the universe for the first time.

I glanced at Angel out of the corner of my eye. His brow was scrunched in deep thought, but for once, I couldn't feel that aura of pain that usually hung around him like a storm cloud about to break. In fact, the corners of his perfect lips were now turned up in the barest hint of a happy smile. The firelight danced over his broad cheekbones, and sparkled in his deep brown eyes. He was more beautiful in that moment than I had ever seen him before, and my last bit of anger toward him just melted away.

I was so busy being reborn, so busy reveling in his abject magnificence, I had almost forgotten the atmosphere he had he had so meticulously created in the room. Hell, I barely remembered the room, before now.

"So, what's the occasion?" I asked.

Angel's head snapped up as my sudden words broke his apparently happy reverie.

"Hmm? Oh…" he chuckled softly, "Well, it's uh… kind of a long story."

I grinned at him. "I'm not going anywhere." It felt good to really let go of all that anger and confusion. To just be there, letting it all come back to me, letting his presence wash over me… I could feel how much she missed him.

A brilliant smile lit his face, and made me want to burst into tears again. "No, you're not," he confirmed.

I moved a little closer to him, and as I did, my body seemed to almost seize up with pure joy. God, how I wanted to touch him. Just take him in my arms and kiss every smooth inch of his cool skin. The bond between us was burning and pulsing like a living thing, and his sheer beauty left me absolutely breathless. Angel seemed unable to look at me as I settled in beside him, tucked to his side on the couch.

After a long moment, he finally looked at me, and I saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, hard. I almost laughed -- was he nervous? Well, gee. How could that possibly be? I'd only threatened to cut his head off awhile ago.

"How did you… I mean… what happened?" he asked.

I took a deep breath. "Well, that' kind of a long story, too. Tell you what. I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

He nodded, his smile never fading. "Deal. But… before that…"

Angel reached one cool, strong hand up, and lay it tenderly on my cheek as his face moved slowly closer. His eyes seemed to search mine, then move over the rest of my features like a soft caress, finally coming to rest on my lips.

I watched him come, and there was that sensation again… of falling, of flying, of complete comfort and safety that I now knew must come from Buffy, plus all the brand-new electric thrill of knowing he was mine… that we were about to make our very own perfect connection. All the rest just stopped mattering in the warmth of the love that flowed between us.

"I love you, Rain," he whispered into my lips, "I love you with all of my being. I'm sorry I hurt you."

I sighed and tried not to faint. "I know," I whispered back, and hoped that it was enough.

Then, I kissed him. Feeling the familiarity of our bodies burning… of our souls melding and meeting for the first time in hundreds of years. I tangled my hands in his thick hair and pulled him as close to me as our skin would allow.

It was all coming back to me… every moment we'd shared, forever. A million whispers of love, a billion tears, promises and cries of passion and pain. I felt like my whole being was expanding, floating, mixing with his and filing the air until I couldn't breathe anymore. His sadness became mine, as did his ancient, soul-deep love… one kiss was all it took -- one long, deep, heavenly kiss, to make us truly, finally, and completely, one.

He pulled away, and there were tears streaming down his pale cheeks once more.

"Rain, I…"

"Sh," I said, giving him a little smile that I hoped conveyed everything that was rushing through me at that moment, "There's plenty of time for talk… after."

And I kissed him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Angel:

It was more than I had ever hoped for. Having her in my arms like that, her soft, warm lips on mine, for the first time, but for the thousandth… It was beautiful.

There was still so much to say… so many mysteries to untangle and questions to answer. But as I buried myself in her scent… in the warmth of her skin… as I lost myself in her long-remembered touch, none of those mundane details seemed to matter anymore at all.

I couldn't taste her… couldn't feel her, enough. I didn't have enough hands or enough mouths… I wished I was two men, in stead of only one. I wished our clothes, and the furniture, and the laws of physics didn't keep so much of her from me.

I was lost. Lost in her love, and in mine. Lost in the flawless completion of that single moment. I wanted her. I wanted to devour her, take her inside me and never allow us to be separate again.

It was amazing… magnificent. A moment of pure, perfect, bittersweet joy as I moved over every inch of her within my reach… her lips, her face, her throat, her chest. If I could have died and turned to dust in that golden, candle-lit moment, I might have. But… there was that all-consuming desire to keep touching her that kept me firmly anchored to life.

"Rain…" I whispered her name, over and over… felt its magick flow from me and over her, making her sigh and croon with bliss.

I suddenly couldn't remember why I had waited so long to hold her. I forgot all the reasons that I hadn't done this a hundred times already. Why I hadn't slipped off her blouse as I did now, revealing all the magick of her creamy skin, beneath. Why I hadn't worshipped her perfect breasts or kissed my adoration into the skin over her heart every day for years.

I didn't know, anymore, what kept us apart. When Rain took off my shirt, and pulled me against her… when our skins met -- hot against cold, and her strong hands traced the lines of my back like she'd been doing it forever, I forgot everything I ever knew, before. No questions, no uncertainty, no guilt… only the mind-bending feeling of completion.

Perfect happiness, once my curse, was now my ultimate reward.

Rain and I made love right there on the floor, until long after dawn. Then we slowly made our way up to the bedroom, and the rest of that day passed like flowing silk as we touched, and melded, and rejoined over and over again until we collapsed, laughing, in one another's arms, long past the following nightfall.

If I had ever thought Destiny was a painful thing, I certainly didn't anymore. For the first time in two hundred years, I held my Sacred Duty to me, wrapped safely in my arms, and was glad to be exactly who I was. Where I was. When I was.

She was right. There was plenty of time for talk. After all, we had eternity. .

Go to the next story Translucent

Send feedback to Ducks

Back to the Fanfiction Archive