Disclamer: I don't own them. Not even the ones in the alternate universe. I don't think so anyway.? I wish I did.
Author's Notes: Ooh, it's my "Buffy's-not-really-dead" fic! Every author's gotta have at least one, right? Okay, so I have several, but this is the first I started and the longest (so far).
Spoilers: "IWRY" "The Gift" probably all of fourth and fifth seasons BtVS
Feedback: PLEASE! I need it! I crave it! I live off it!

"If it has happened it was meant to be."-The Oracles, "I Will Remember You"

Part One

The sun was shining. Birds were singing. And even though a moment before - an eternity before? - I had been dead, suddenly I wasn't. Or this was Heaven. When I opened my eyes to find Angel's face filling my view, I thought for a brief, crazy second that my last guess was right. Only, if I was dead, why did I hurt so much? I felt like every part of my body had been hit by a sledgehammer. Many, many times.

"Buffy," he breathed, his voice choked and strange. Hands cradled my head, pulled me up gently off the ground. "Are you all right?"

"Angel?" I murmured, confused. I was dead. Why wasn't I dead? I could recall quite clearly jumping into the portal. I remembered my last glimpse of Dawn's pale, desperate face. I remembered being dead.

It was sunny, there was sun on my face and Angel.Angel was right there.

"Oh God, Buffy," he moaned and his arms closed around me, pulling me to an upright position as he crushed my against his chest. His chest, where I could detect the faintest sounds of an agitated heartrate. Thump-THUMP. Thump-THUMP. Angel. Heartbeat. Alive. I was alive, he was alive.I was.definitely dead. "I thought you were gone. I thought you were." His voice was ragged and hoarse as he trailed off, seemingly unable to go on. I wrapped my arms around his neck - ow, why did that hurt? I was dead - and relaxed into the embrace, welcoming the comforting, warm feeling, even if it wasn't real.

After a long moment I opened my eyes reluctantly, to see what else was in this place, what other fantasies were coming true around me. The first thing I saw was Giles, watching with his heart in his eyes. Giles? He couldn't be dead. No.he was fine, he was safe.He turned his head and said something and my eyes moved to Willow and Tara, clinging to each other. Tara was better. A little sigh rose up in me at that. Tara was better. Even if she wasn't really there.where was there? They both looked dirty, dead-tired, bruised. If this was Heaven, why were they hurt? I pulled away a little, reluctantly, and looked into Angel's face. He had a scar on the side of his cheek. When had he got that? Since I saw him last.only a month ago.My fingers traced it gently. Vampires didn't scar. But then, he wasn't a vampire here.

"Are you all right?" Angel asked gently, and I raised my eyes to his. They were the same as always-dark, bright, melting with concern and love. I melted too, beneath their gaze.

"I-I don't know," I admitted. "Am I dead?"

Angel started, his arms tightening around me and he looked to Giles, who also appeared alarmed. "What happened?" my Watcher asked. I swallowed.

"I jumped into the portal and.and I thought I was dead. I was.elsewhere. And then I woke up here." They looked relieved to hear that. Like it made everything else make sense. Hello? Angel.human? "Well you aren't," Xander promised. He was holding Anya, as if she was injured. Her head was cradled against his shoulder, and her eyes were open, watching me. I pulled away from Angel a little more and turned, searching for those that were left - there was Spike, hiding in a shadow, watching me with terror and hope and that thing I always hope not to find there. Love, if you can call it that. And there. Dawn. She was sitting on the steps, crying, tears flowing unheeded down her face, her dress torn, her hair tangled. In a moment I was off the ground, away from Angel entirely, across the pavement - we were beneath the scaffold. Why were we here? Why would my death be here? - wrapping Dawn in my arms.

"You died for me," she sobbed, burying her face in my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. So sorry."

"Shh," I murmured, rocking her, amazed at her solidity. Real. She felt...real. But how could any of this be real? "I'm okay. It doesn't matter." She kept crying but it was...it was healing, I thought. Eventually we pulled apart; I was almost reluctant to let her go. I was afraid that she'd disappear at any moment, that this was a dream, a fantasy. I wanted Dawn back.

"H-how did you come back?" Dawn asked, sniffling.

"Did I?" I looked at my surroundings. Everything *seemed* the same as the world I'd left. Everything stationary anyway. I looked back at Angel, who was watching me with concern.

"Of course you did," he said gently. "Let's.let's get you two home." Dawn nodded, weariness aching through every line of her body. Knew how she felt. Only I was dead. Dawn took my arm and pulled me to my feet, and Angel took the other side.

"A-are you guys okay?" I asked, unsure of what to say. No one seemed surprised that Angel was there. Was...human. No one had an explanation to offer.

"Anya's hurt," Xander volunteered.

"I'm fine," the ex-demon said grouchily, but her boyfriend shook his head.

"I'm gonna take her to the hospital. Anyone else need to go?"

Everyone took stock of themselves and finally demurred, but Willow and Tara offered to go anyway, to accompany Xander and Anya. Spike indicated he could get home by himself and he and Angel exchanged a long look that left me blinking. Like they had an understanding. Hadn't Angel just come? Spike watched us go with dark eyes; happy, I supposed, to be alive, and bitter that it was Angel walking me home. Giles took Dawn in hand (someone had bound up her cuts while I was.gone.) and Angel took me and we started home. I kept my eyes on my friends until they disappeared down the street and wondered if that was the last time I would see them, if I had just seen them at all. Everything felt real; the pavement, the sunshine, Angel's arm around my shoulders. There was nothing dreamlike about it, nothing heavenly. It was life. Only...it wasn't. Not mine anyway.

I kept thinking Angel would have an explanation; Giles had called him and not told me, he'd found a spell to turn him human and only just came to give me the news. He didn't say a word, not about that. He asked how I felt, what hurt, what it was like in the portal. He didn't ask me why I jumped in. Had Dawn told them what I told her?

When we got home Giles took off Dawn's makeshift bandages and put on real ones while I watched, unable to let her out of my sight. My head was thick with exhaustion, but I remember clearly stopping at the bottom of the stairs, and thinking: I didn't expect to ever climb these stairs again. Angel appeared at my elbow and put an arm around my back and we climbed them together. I didn't want Dawn to be alone, or maybe I didn't want to be alone-death had been so alone, so solitary, was that really death?-so we lay in my bed, curled together.

"Can we get you anything?" Giles asked, but I shook my head and so did she.

"I just want to sleep," Dawn said, so Giles and Angel tucked us in. Angel kissed my forehead and drew the blinds over the window to make it dark, pausing a moment as he did, the sunlight on his face. Sunlight on Angel's face. I was too tired to demand an explanation, I could feel consciousness slipping away, and as the dark closed over us, I was gone. They say sleep is a form of death, but to me it seemed like life, pure life.

*

I dreamt of my friends finding my body, of how still and cold it was. I dreamt of them crying and holding each other-of Spike unable to stop his tears. I didn't even know that vampires could cry. I dreamt of an ambulance that could do nothing, and a morgue and Dawn's despairing cries. I dreamt of Willow insisting they tell him in person, driving to LA that very night, crying the whole way. I dreamt of Angel - a vampire still - turning and walking away, outside, where he began to scream and scream and wait for the sunrise. I didn't dream the dawn - I don't know if it reached him or not. I woke to find Dawn's side of the bed still warm, and Angel sitting a few feet away, watching me. Breathing.

"She's eating," he said, seeing my hand go to the empty spot my sister had occupied. I relaxed, thankful that he knew what I needed to hear. Thankful that he was there. How was he there? I extended a hand to him, sitting up, and the space between us fell away. His arms closed around me, warm, comforting, *there*.

"I almost lost you today," he murmured, echoing my own words.god, from so long ago. It felt like a different life. Maybe it was. Maybe I did die, it'd happened before.

"I'm not so sure you didn't," I breathed, a tiny, incredulous laugh escaping. He pulled away enough to see my face, one hand tracing my cheek lightly.

"Hey. You're here now. That's the important thing." I nodded, not entirely sure that it was, but unable to argue.

"And you're here," I added, drinking in the sight of him. Even though I've "moved on" from Angel - I don't spend all my time thinking about him, and I think I can honestly say that I can go the rest of my life without him - his presence, everything about him, is enormously comforting. He reminds me that I'm loved, absolutely, forever, no matter what else happens. "Thank you so much for being here."

His face creased in a teasing, slightly confused smile. "Where else would I be?"

"Um.in LA?" I hazarded. One of my hands slid down to his chest, to where I could still feel a steady heartbeat. "Angel, is this real?"

"Real?" he demanded, the teasing look disappearing and true confusion setting in to his expression. "Of course it's real. And why would I be in LA? Buffy, are you okay?"

I blinked, the warmth of waking to find him there fading as I began to realize something was wrong. "I don't know, you tell me," I replied sharply. "What do you mean 'of course'-when did you become human? How? And you *live* in LA! What's going on, Angel?"

Confusion was gone: now his eyes were disturbed. "Buffy, I live here. I moved back to Sunnydale a year and a half ago! When I became human again. Is this a joke? It's not funny."

"No," I murmured, my hand dropping away from his heartbeat, "it's not." A year and a half? That was.that was just before Riley.No, I *knew* Angel lived in LA. I knew he was a vampire. I'd seen him a month before! There was a panick-y feeling in the pit of my stomach. This wasn't Heaven. If it was, my limbs wouldn't ache and my head wouldn't hurt. I wasn't dead. Which meant.which meant what? I had amnesia? But I remembered the last year and a half! Just not Angel in it. I raised my eyes to his, frightened, feeling alone again, isolated. "Angel?"

One of his hands found one of mine; clasped it strongly, warm and sure. Warm. He was human. Just the thought of that was overwhelming. "I promise we'll figure this out," he murmured, brushing back a piece of my hair gently. "I promise we'll make it better."

I believed him. I'd never really believed when anyone else told me that, not even Giles. But with Angel, I believed it. Or maybe I just wanted to

Part Two

We might have sat there staring all day, our minds racing over the revelation, but Giles and Dawn walked in. I started and beckoned Dawn over, making her sit by me. She'd changed into her favorite old pajamas - the ones Mom had five million stories about and wanted to cut up to put in a quilt, but Dawn wouldn't let her. The pants and arms were too short, but Dawn loved them.

"How are you?" I asked intently. She looked tired, still, a little battered, but mostly okay. Still my Dawnie.

"I think.I think I'm going to be okay," she replied slowly, her eyes rising to meet mine. "I'm so glad you're alright!"

My arms snaked around her involuntarily, pressing her to me. I never wanted to let her go. I remember when I was little and my parents brought her home, holding her for the first time. I looked into her eyes and saw myself there, and something more, something supremely precious. I remember rocking her to sleep, knowing that she trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. She was so helpless, and perfect, and *mine.*

"It's a miracle that you're here," Giles murmured. "I don't quite understand how the portal healed you."

I stilled at the words, and pulled away from Dawn though I kept hold of one of her hands. "Healed me?" I asked, not quite sure I wanted to hear the answer. Not another thing I didn't know. Had the portal taken away my memory? But why of Angel.and I *had* memories of Angel, just not the ones, apparently, that he had.

"I thought you were going to die," Dawn whispered. "Even when you came out, I thought at first that you were still injured, that I would still lose you."

"I wasn't injured," I protested quietly. What were they talking about?

"Buffy, Glory hurt you," Angel informed me. "I thought she killed you."

"Well obviously not," I replied, sharper than I meant to. They were all watching me with the most awful expressions. I shook my head, running my free hand through my hair, trying to straighten things out. A thousand possibilities ran through my mind, but none of them meant anything, really. "Let me get this straight: I was dying when I jumped in the portal?"

"That's why I let you go," Angel said, his voice aching with memory.

"You weren't there!" I appealed, beginning to get desperate. Dawn's hand tightened around mine.

"Buffy, are you okay?" she asked. I shook my head, and then realized I must be frightening her and nodded.

"I'm fine. I'm fine.it's just, everything's a little muddled. I-I don't remember what happened exactly." But I did. That was the thing. I *did* remember what happened. I remembered it exactly, in perfect detail. I remembered the way Dawn smelled, and the feel of her skin and her hair, and the pulsing of the portal below us, the blood dripping. I remember every thought that passed through my mind, every move I made. Everything.

I wasn't dying. And Angel wasn't there.

"I think she needs a little more rest," Angel suggested, and Dawn nodded, freeing her hand from mine - I reluctantly let it go, clenching my fingers around the blankets instead - and letting Giles take her out. They shut the door behind themselves and I looked around the room for the first time. My room. It was the same as I remembered it, except that on the bedside table there was a picture frame with a picture of Angel and I in it. We were sitting in a park, on a picnic blanket, Angel's arms wrapped around my torso. We were smiling, in the sunlight. On the dresser were more pictures of us, pictures I didn't remember taking. Pictures I didn't remember living.

"There's something very wrong here," I said steadily. "I don't just need a little rest."

"I know," Angel admitted. "I just didn't think you wanted Dawn."

"No. No." I took a deep breath and threw off my covers, sliding out of bed. My muscles protested but I gritted my teeth and stood anyway, walking over to my bureau in search of clothes. Clothes I recognized. Something normal.

"You don't remember the portal," Angel probed. I leaned against the dresser, trying to take some pressure off my battered body.

"I do remember it," I countered. "I remember it very well. But you weren't there. And you weren't there the day before. Or the day before that. Or the day before that. Angel, the last time I saw you was the night of my mother's funeral. Before that.May."

"You hit your head when you fell," Angel suggested. "You have amnesia."

"No!" I cried, spinning back. I immediately regretted the action. "Well, maybe the head part. But I don't have amnesia. I remember everything. Just not.you." He gave me a telling look and I glared back, frustrated and confused. "I remember my life Angel. There aren't any blanks."

He looked a little ill at the thought and I realized what I'd just said. If he really remembered being human for a year and a half.really thought that we'd been together all that time.What would it feel like to have me declared that there were no blanks - like all the time we'd spent together meant nothing to me? But that wasn't what I meant. I just didn't think we'd *spent* time together.

"Angel," I tried again, creeping back towards him. "Are you *sure* you've been here for a year?"

"I don't think I'm likely to forget," he snapped. "Everything we did, everything we." He stopped, almost too desperate for words. Damn. He really did believe it. And judging by the lack of surprise at Angel's presence, so did everyone else. Which meant it was me that was screwed up, not him. Me.

"Okay, let's think about this," I said, taking a deep, slow breath. "There has to be an explanation." Not going to panic. Not going to be panic. I'd just dealt with a god. A little memory.alteration.was nothing. This would be okay. There wasn't any immediate danger. No one was going to die; the world was not going to end.

But seeing Angel sitting there, looking at me, and knowing he remembered a life.our life.that I didn't have.

"When Glory."

"What *did* Glory do to me?" I demanded. "According to you, I mean?"

"Similar to what she did to Tara, only your were lucid, you still knew yourself. Instead of your sanity she took your.your life force, I suppose. You were getting weaker and weaker. I could.I could feel you fading."

"So maybe it warped my mind," I suggested, only I didn't really believe it. It was one thing if I just didn't remember - remembering different was something else. Why would Glory killing me change my memory? I must have thought aloud, because Angel shook his head and drew me down to sit on the edge of the bed, opposite him.

"I don't know. You say you have memories. Of what?"

"Of everything!" What was I supposed to do, give a day by day account?

"Tell me what you remember of the fight with Glory," Angel suggested. I nodded, and began with arriving at the ritual. I told him how Willow sapped Glory's strength - Angel agreed on that part - how Glory knocked off the robot's head - also the same - how I beat Glory into a pulp until she turned into Ben, and then I left her there, on the ground, and went after Dawn.

"That's different," Angel broke in. "She followed you." I wondered where he'd been this whole time, but didn't want to ask.

"I got up to the top, and there was this guy - some minion of Glory's, I guess-"

"Doc," Angel filled in. "Sorcerer."

"That's who Spike and Xander got the book from, right?" I asked. Angel became yet stiller, if possible.

"Spike and I went."

"Oh." I took a deep breath, avoided his eyes, and kept going. "I tried to take Dawn but the portal was open. She.she said she was going to jump in, that I had to let her go. I couldn't let her go. She's.she all I have. She's part of me. I could never live with myself if I."

"I understand."

"She said that it needed her blood, and I remembered that our blood was the same. I didn't know if it would work, but I had to try. I said goodbye to Dawn, and then I jumped in. I felt myself.I don't know, not die. Change. I was in this other place, this nothing. I don't know how long I was there, but then, all of a sudden, I wasn't anymore. I was here."

"You don't remember me being there at all?" Angel asked, worried, a little forlorn. I raised my eyes to his reluctantly.

"Angel, I don't remember you being human at all," I repeated. How many times had I said it? He still looked so hurt at the words. "I don't remember you living in Sunnydale. The last time I saw you was after my mother's funeral - you came and kept me company that night, so I wouldn't have to be alone. Before that, the last time I saw you was.oh, May or something. You came to town and beat up my boyfr-" I cut off abruptly. Angel looked stricken enough. I didn't think telling him about Riley was really going to help the situation.

"Let's try further back," Angel suggested. "How did we meet?"

"Well first you spied on me when I got my Calling, then when I came to Sunnydale, you followed me down an alley and were extremely cryptic. I didn't like you." I smiled a little, wistfully, up at him and he smiled back, gently.

"So not everything has changed," he said, and then realized what that could be taken to mean. I laughed and the corner of his mouth inched up a little.

"No, not everything," I teased, then sobered up. "Okay, how about.when the Master killed me?"

"I showed Xander the way to the church. He gave you CPR and you woke up, and then you went after the Master. He was on the roof of the library. You killed him and we went to the prom and danced until two in the morning."

"That was a nice night," I commented, half-sarcastic and half-truthful. The dancing part *had* been nice. The first part.not as much.

"Christmas of '98?" Angel asked, skipping over some of the more painful parts of our history. I took that to mean he remembered them the same way I did.

"You were haunted by the First Evil. I found you on the hilltop by the mansion. You were.you were waiting for dawn. I told you that you had to be strong, and fight, and that I loved you. And it snowed."

"Last winter vacation I took you to Colorado for three days," Angel said softly, one memory triggering another. "We went to this tiny cabin up in the mountains, surrounded by snow. You taught me how to make snow angels and we spent hours curled in front of the fireplace."

I could almost picture it. I could imagine just how Angel's arms - warm, now - would feel around me, how we'd keep each other warm. I could see our snowfights. But I didn't remember it.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry Angel, I don't.Last winter vacation I stayed in town. Mom was supposed to be better but Dawn was still, and.and I was kind of having a hard time." Riley had just left, I recalled. I'd cried through most of Christmas.

"So somewhere in those two years," Angel sighed.

"If there's one specific split. If it's not just.random." I took a deep breath. Okay. This was going to be okay. "When did you turn human? I.I don't remember that."

"The day after Thanksgiving, 1999. I came here after Doyle had a vision, and then you came to see me the next day, while visiting your father. You were angry."

"I remember." He looked up, startled. "I remember going to see you. But I.I was only there a minute."

"Well I suppose. We were attacked by a demon, and we went to hunt it."

"A.mori demon? Something like that?" I asked, dredging up the name from distant memory.

"Mohra."

"You killed it. It leapt in the window and you hit something on its forehead and it just.disintegrated." Angel frowned.

"That is how you kill them but we didn't know that yet. We injured it, but didn't kill it, and then followed it down to the sewers."

"So that's where the memories diverge," I muttered. But why that moment? And how? And what did it have to do with Angel becoming human? I prompted him to go on and he did, finally. He explained how we chased the demon and how we split up. He told me about finding the demon, the fight, the mixing of blood, and finally becoming human.

"Since you killed the demon, the way I remember it, you didn't get the blood," I said finally. "Why the difference?"

"More importantly: how? What happened to you that would alter than one moment?"

"And therefore, all the moments that followed."

I had no answer. I didn't even know if there was one. I sat there, leaning on my knees, watching the man I gave up two years before - the man that was now human and therefore completely available - waiting for a stroke of inspiration. I felt heavy, too tired. My head was thick, like someone had set a weight on my brain. We should tell Giles, I knew. Maybe he'd have an explanation.I still wanted to believe that Giles knew everything, even though I knew how patently false that was. It was nice to believe sometimes. I didn't want to worry Dawn though. Not now, not when there was nothing she could do. And no reason to worry, really. My memories were different, but at least I *had* some. It wasn't like I had brain damage, right? I quailed at the thought. If I had brain damage, I wouldn't remember anything, or at least not as clearly as I did. I could recall specific conversations, given moments, the temperature on a certain day of the previous summer, the dress Willow wore when we went to the Bronze one night.I knew things. Real things, about my life.

There was nothing wrong with me. But there was definitely something wrong.

Part Three

We were interrupted once again, this time by the arrival of the gang at my bedroom door.

"Are you two decent?" Xander called playfully. I gave Angel a startled look, and found a half-smile on his face. Apparently, we often weren't.

"Come in," I called hastily, not sure whether to find the thought appealing or.or what. My head hurt.

"Hey!" Willow exclaimed, bursting through the door and throwing her arms around me. I hugged her tightly back. This was Willow, *my* Willow. She was the same person, she knew me, I knew her.I remembered her.

But she remembered Angel.

"Hi," I murmured, smiling back at her when she finally pulled away. She examined me carefully, looking a little worried, then turned me over to Xander for similar treatment.

I looked at them and knew I should tell them, but I couldn't. Not right at that moment. Not when they were so happy and glad to have me. I couldn't tell them that I wasn't right, or they weren't right, or *something* wasn't right. They seemed so happy.

We'd just defeated a god, and it wasn't enough to make things okay. It wasn't over. I wanted it to be over.

"What's the matter?" Willow demanded when the hugging was over. I looked awkwardly at Angel, and then back to Willow and Xander, and opened my mouth to tell them. Before sound emerged though, Anya entered, and Tara, and then Dawn and Giles behind them. My confession was lost in the uproar as Anya presented her diamond ring to the gang. Someone got champagne and somehow we ended up toasting and all I could think was, "This isn't right. They all know something that I don't know. They all remember something I don't remember." Angel's eyes held the same thoughts, and if everyone hadn't been so tired, so relieved, I'm sure someone would have noticed. As it was, we toasted, we hugged more, and then everyone went home. I tucked Dawn into bed and sat beside her until she fell asleep. When I crept out, Angel was in the kitchen, making me food.

I didn't feel hungry, but I knew I was. In times of stress, I.I kind of shut off my hunger. If I have food before me, I can eat it; if I don't, I don't need it. My body becomes almost self-contained. I was still in that crisis-mode, even though supposedly it was over.

How could it be over? I'd lost a year of memories and gained a different one.

He set an omelette in front of me and I ate it, because it was there and Angel was watching me with worry. He sat across from me and watched, not touching his own food. At first it seemed normal - he only ate to be social, after all - until I remembered that he was human.

"You should eat," I urged, taking a bite. He was a good cook. He didn't protest that he wasn't hungry; he must be. Obediently, he took a bite, and then set his fork down again and continued to watch me. What was he looking for? Some difference? Some explanation in the way my hair fell or the bruise on my cheek?

I finished and stood, took my dish to the sink, numbly rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher. Normal. This was my kitchen, the same as it had always been. Only there'd never been a human Angel sitting in it before. Or had there?

"I'm too tired to think about this right now," I said, still facing the sink. "I.I think we better have a meeting tomorrow."

"Okay." I almost flinched at the sound. He was trying so hard to be calm, to be okay with all of this, only sometime in the year and a half he'd been human he must have lost his ability to hide all his emotions because they were leaking through into his voice; confusion, worry, pain. "I'll call Giles in the morning."

I nodded, and didn't move, not knowing what to do, what to say that could be at all comforting. I hated to see him hurt, but I was frightened too; after all, if there was something wrong, it was with me, not him. Lost in my reverie I did not realize he's stood up until his hands touched my arms; warm, real. He was human. With everything that had happened, I hadn't even had time to think of what that meant. Angel was human. And if this was the reality and my memories were the lie, what did that *mean?*

I leaned back into his solid warmth, and turned my head so my ear rested against his chest. If I was very quiet, I could hear his heartbeat, solid, reassuring. And frightening. There was no denying that Angel was human now. I couldn't pretend this was a dream. I could feel him. I could hear that thumping. This was real.

"Come on," Angel murmured, slipping an arm around me and herding my toward the stairs, carefully, as if was afraid I would break. I felt broken already; like something had put me together wrong and suddenly I didn't fit in my own life. I went without protest, let him tuck me into bed. I thought I'd never be able to sleep, that too much was in my mind; but I did sleep, quickly and deeply, slipping into darkness.

*

I woke in the morning to find Angel asleep in a chair, sunlight falling over his face. It was a sight I'd never expected to see as long as I lived; and since I had been prepared to die the day before, it was doubly significant. He looked older, but.but not through care or worry. Through life. He'd been living for a year and a half, and I didn't remember any of it.

My muscles were still protesting loudly as I sat up and got out of bed. I left Angel where he was, though I winced at the angle of his neck. Poor thing, he was going to have a cramp when he woke.He should have gone home. I would have made it through the night. Though.what if he had no home? What if he lived with me? The thought gave me pause and I checked my closet - sure enough, there were male clothes there. Whether that meant he actually lived with me or he just stayed over sometimes, I didn't know but it was still.Wow. Even Riley brought clothes with him when he slept over.

Except Riley probably hadn't ever slept over.

I grabbed my bathrobe - blessedly familiar - and went to take a shower. The mirror had a scratch in the right place, and the shower spigot was still stuck. I wasn't entirely sure whether that was a good thing or not. Should I be happy that most things were exactly as I knew them to be, or would it be better if I was wrong about everything?

I emerged from the shower refreshed in body if not in mind. Angel was still sleeping when I got back into my room so I dressed in complete silence, half-hiding in my closet in case he woke up. Sure he's seen me naked before, but for me it'd been about three and a half years. Maybe for him it was only two days, I didn't know, but I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I never stopped loving him, but the abstract love of someone in another city was different from the quite concrete physicality of having a human Angel right there.

I'd dreamed of Angel turning human a thousand times. Most of the dreams weren't suitable for public consumption. Part of me wanted to celebrate - we'd defeated Glory, Angel was human, everything was amazing - and jump his bones right then and there. But everything wasn't amazing, not really. Something was wrong. Maybe several somethings.

Downstairs for a bowl of cereal. Dawn emerged about twenty minutes later, still in her pajamas. "Why's Angel sleeping in a chair?" she demanded. I opened my mouth and then shut it again. Uh-oh. She watched me with crossed arms.

"He, uh, he was having trouble sleeping." I stuttered. She arched her eyebrows at me, unbelieving, and then demanded to know if I'd used up all the milk.

I love my little sister.

"How you doing?" I asked seriously when she said down opposite me with her own bowl of cereal. She stirred the corn flakes with her spoon and then looked up at me and smiled faintly.

"It's so weird. I guess.I guess I kind of thought I wouldn't make it. I mean, I knew that Glory was pretty much invincible, and I thought that if anyone was going to die, it would be me. I'm still.I'm still a little stunned that it's over."

"Me too." But was it? Was this a residual effect from Glory? From the portal? What was going on?

Dawn's smile brightened. "But I'm glad you're okay. I thought you were going to die.I didn't know how I was going to make it without you."

"You would have," I promised her, slipping a hand over and taking one of hers. "Us Summers women, we're strong." She squeezed it.

"I know."

We ate in companionable silence until Angel came down and gave me a searching look. I turned to Dawn. "We're going to go out for a little bit, okay? Are you alright here? Do you want me to get someone to come over?"

Dawn shook her head. "No, actually, I'd.It'd be kinda nice to be alone. Just to prove that I can be. No more mortal danger."

"Better not be," I agreed, hugging her quickly, then glanced at Angel. "Why don't you get some food? I'll go get my stuff." And call everyone, I added silently. He nodded, understanding, and I departed up the stairs.

Giles was surprised to hear from me, but no more so than Willow and Xander. "Is everything okay?" Willow asked sleepily.

"I.I don't know," I answered truthfully. "I'm sorry to wake you up."

"Don't worry about it," she assured me, much more awake. "Is it Dawnie.?"

"No, it's.well, I'll explain when we get there."

They all agreed to meet Angel and I at the Magic Box. We took Angel's car, a beautiful classic convertible. I must have stood in the garage for a good five minutes staring at it. He watched me with a mixture of amusement and growing alarm, as if every little thing that I didn't remember just drove the point home.

What was the point? What was going on?

Giles was already at the Magic Box when we reached it. He greeted us with a worried look. "Whatever is the matter?" he demanded. "I thought everything was."

"Almost everything," I sighed. "I'll tell you when everyone else gets here." Angel and Giles exchanged identical worried looks and I drifted away, floating around the magic shop, looking for some kind of physical difference. There wasn't one, not that I could see. I walked into my training room and noted some antique weapons hung up on the wall that I didn't remember; Angel's, probably. I turned and walked back into the front as the bell on the door tinkled and the rest of the Scoobies walked in.

They looked the same. Exactly the same. I didn't understand; I couldn't comprehend what made one set of memories different from another. What made Angel human.

"What's this all about?" Anya demanded. "We had a very special day planned." Willow rolled her eyes and my mouth quirked. Not a hard thing to guess what that day was going to entail.

I took a deep breath and looked over at Angel, who was watching me intently. I looked back to my friends, a strange mix of giddiness and worry in their eyes. "I don't remember.that is, I remember things differently than they are. As I know it, Angel lives in LA and is still a vampire. I remember Glory and Dawn and.and everything that's happened in the last year and a half. The Initiative, Adam, Dracula.everything.Tara, I remember you, I just don't.I remember Angel, but as a vampire. I have memories, only they're different ones."

They were all staring at me like I was crazy, which was how I felt. Completely insane. There was total silence and then finally Giles asked, "You don't remember Angel becoming human?" I shook my head.

"I remember going to LA and visiting him, but as I remember it, he killed the Mohra demon right away and I left. Went to my dad's. In my.in my memory, he never moved to Sunnydale. I've only seen him a couple times since then. And yesterday.and yesterday I stopped Glory. She didn't hurt me, not really. I wasn't dying when I jumped into the portal. Those are really the only difference we can figured out. I remember the last year and a half, just not the parts with Angel."

"But those were all the parts," Willow murmured, amazed.

"Not as I remember them," I admitted, trying to avoid looking at my.whatever he was. Boyfriend, in this life. Ex in mine. I didn't want to see him looking hurt. Xander was doing that well enough for him; he looked positively ill. Funny, I never would have thought Xander would be the one sympathizing with Angel, but maybe they'd matured. Or maybe it was something else.

"That.that's." Xander trailed off.

"I don't.I don't believe I understand," Giles managed. "When did this happen?"

"It didn't 'happen' Giles. I mean, I guess it did, but.but to me, that's the way it is. I guess.well, before I jumped into the portal it was normal, to me. And when I woke up, afterwards, Angel was here, and things were different. Or.or I was different, I guess."

"And you were healed," Tara reminded me. I thought of my aching muscles and then nodded. That was nothing compared to being dead.

"I.I guess."

"Well, there is such a thing as selective amnesia," Giles suggested. I shook my head.

"I thought about that. But it's not like there's a blank in my life where Angel should be. He was just.in LA. But I saw him. And.and there are other things I remember that I shouldn't if Angel was human." Namely, Riley. More awkward silence.

"A spell?" Willow suggested. "Maybe Glory put some kind of spell on you."

"But why?" Angel asked, shaking his head. "How could it help her?"

"Maybe the portal did it," Tara put in, watching me intently. "You were normal before you went in. It was.it was when you came out things were different, right?" I nodded.

"The portal." Giles murmured, turning to go after a book. "It seems as if it should have taken your blood, but what if it took something else?"

"My memories?" I hazarded, glancing at Angel, who was wearing the same concerned frown. "It doesn't make sense. What *is* the portal? I mean, what would it do to me?"

"The world without shrimp!" Anya blurted out. We all blinked and turned to look at her. She was seated at Xander's side, looking like she'd just had an epiphany. I sighed.

"There were shrimp in my wo-" And then I got it. I understod exactly what she was trying to say. My world. I stood silent, stunned by the revelation. My memory; my world.

"Buffy?" Angel asked hesitantly.

"She.Anya's right." I murmured.

"About what?" Willow asked. Anya gave her a glare through narrowed eyes, then turned to the larger group and explained.

"There's all these alternate universes, almost like this one, but a little different. Like there could be a world without shrimp. The portal was a giant doorway between all the different dimensions. Maybe when Buffy jumped into the portal, she came out in the wrong one."

"Which means you're from another of these dimensions," Giles finished, comprehension dawning.

"A dimension in which Angel never became human," I agreed.

Silence settled again, suddenly. If I was here, then where was the Buffy from this world? The one that Angel had loved for the last year and a half? The one that had been dying?

"It makes sense," Willow said in a small voice, brave enough to admit what none of us wanted to. It *did* make sense though; it was the only explanation that did. Like Anya said, the portal was a gate between dimensions. Why couldn't I have come out in a different place than where I entered? But similar enough that it was almost indistinguishable (in the cosmic sense anyway, though for me, personally, it was very different). That explained why almost everything was the same. Things that weren't integrally tied to Angel becoming human were the same as in my world.

"So the portal didn't heal you," Tara said, almost-voicing the question, but not quite daring to.

"Just spit me out on the other side, a little worse for wear," I sighed, rubbing at my arm.

"So if you.then she." Xander said, and stopped. We all were thinking the same thing, but none of us could say it. I could see it in Angel's eyes; in all their faces. I wasn't their Buffy. I didn't live in their world. And all their relief at finding me safe, healed, was lost, abruptly, because wherever she was, their Buffy might be dead.

Go to Part 4