RATING~ R for sexual content (nothing explicit)
DISCLAIMER~ Don't own them, don't sue, blah blah blah!!
Rating: If you can watch the show , you can real this!]
SUMMARY~ Buffy's and Angel's stream of consciousness at Joyce's funeral and the emotions that follow. It alternates between Buffy and Angel's thoughts.
Spoilers: (Up to THE BODY)

"I get lost inside my tears,
and there is nothing I can do
Because I get lost inside my fears,
that I am nothing without you."

The anguish is overwhelming. I don't know how much more I can take. I keep telling myself I have to be strong, for Dawn, for Willow, for Xander, for everyone. I cannot let a tear slip down my cheeks. For then, my wall would crumble, and I don't know if I'd ever be able to build it up again. And maybe that would be a good thing, to no longer hide my emotions, to show my true persona.

But then again, I'm afraid of what everyone would see, because I sure as hell don't know who I am. I've been lying to myself for way too long now. I have begun to withdraw myself from everything.

It's the day of the funeral and I've yet to greet anyone. I'm so tired of putting on this brave front that if I have to smile for one more person I think I'll vomit. I've been sitting in this chair for hours, staring off into the bleakness of night.

I don't know why I decided on a night funeral. I guess I just remember her body, laying there in the bright and cheerful sunlight, mocking her and all things in existence with its glow. So I figure, the shadows have always been my solace, and maybe the others can find contentment in the night as well.

The priest is speaking and I am staring at his mouth, watching the words form on his lips, but never quite understanding them. I know it's my time to speak now. To give my eulogy like the dutiful daughter I am.

I arise and with weak muscles filled with the fatigue of sleepless nights I walk up to the podium. We're outside, and all around me a sea of faces turns to an ocean of strangers and I wonder how I am going to get through this... And even in this state of confusion, I search for his face.

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I see her walk up to the podium and I silently wonder to myself when the last time she ate was. She looks so frail and weak and I see her eyes scanning the crowd. My heart leaps slightly and I wonder if mine is the face she seeks. I see her falter and stumble over her words. She's fighting back her emotions, I can see it all over her face, but as usual, she's trying to be strong.

And then her eyes meet mine for a split second and I almost see her smile. And then the grief of her loss overwhelms her, and I see her knees start to shake. She's falling and in a moment I am at her side. She clings to me, like a baby clings to her mother's breast and for the first time since her mother's death she cries...

She cries an ocean of tears in a single moment, tears of loss, of pain, of suffering and of despair. And I raise her chin and look into her eyes, and I see through to her soul. And all I see is this little girl, lost in her own tears, drowning, with no one to pull her to shore. I squeeze her hand gently and she turns once again to face the crowd. I remain at her side as she talks of happier times, and how she remembers her mother, through her own eyes. No one else could see her the way Buffy does. She sees the good in everyone. Even me. And in a moment of clarity, I realize that I can never leave her side, ever again. Because we're lost without each other. She continues her speech and end's with the line...

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"Joyce Summers wasn't just my mom, she was my best friend, and I hope all of you go home tonight and are able to hug the people most dear to you, because I lost one of them today, and their is no greater sorrow than that. I'll never again hug my mother, so do me a favor, hug yours for me." I feel Angel give my hand a small squeeze. I can't believe he's actually here. In the moment I saw him across the audience, I just couldn't hold anything in anymore, and he was there for me, as always, my Angel standing by.

"I get lost inside my tears..."

After the funeral we all went back to Gile's house. I just couldn't go home yet, and I think everyone just sort of wandered here. Like a force that we can't really control. We just drifted.

But I couldn't go home. Home meant facing the reality of an empty house with nothing left but memories. I know I'll eventually have to face it, but the thought of her room just empty, without her smile, without her face, I just cannot imagine it, yet... I'm sure I'll eventually get there, I'll eventually go through all her possessions, maybe give away some of her clothes. At least then she won't have died in vain. Maybe someone can get something out of this tragedy. But just the thought of someone else in my mothers clothes cause my knees to go weak. Like she was just someone on this earth to collect possessions only to leave them behind for other people's use.

It's like a viscous cycle. You're born, you live, you collect, you die, you lose everything. Her clothes are no longer her clothes. There just a shirt, just a skirt, just an old pair of shoes. There just clothes.

I feel the tears start up again, I fight them off the best I can, but they soon overwhelm me, and I see the blacktop approaching my face at an alarming speed.

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She's cried so much she can't even stand anymore. The gang is all here, even Cordy and Wesley. They all see her falling, spiraling out of control. I realize that she needs to get out of here. Yes, they're her friends, her family I suppose now, but it's all a bit too much. These people hold too many memories for her. So I scoop her up in my arms and she wraps her legs around my waist and settles her head into "her" spot on my shoulder.

Dawn looks ready to break down, but she's got her fake perma-smile plastered on her face. There's and emptiness behind it that is almost scary. She looks older than she ever has.

I remember when Buffy lost that innocence. The idea that all would eventually be right in the world. And that when you close your eyes at night, the monsters go away.

Dawn knows now, she knows all too well... She knows the secrets that parents fight to keep from their children as long as they can. People aren't all good, and life isn't fair, and people die, every day, and there's nothing anyone can do to bring them back. I grab her hand and give it a small squeeze, which is pretty hard to do with Buffy in my arms. But Dawn smiles up at me, gives me the first honest look I've seen her give all day, and kisses my cheek. She whispers for me to take good care of her sister, because she doesn't want to lose her too. I'd promise her the world right now if it took that melancholy look out of her eyes, but instead, I give her a half smile and tell her Willow will look out for her. She knows, I can see it in her eyes as she grasps Willows hand, and looking like a small child being taken off to bed, she follows Willow into the house.

I turn and walk to the curb. I place Buffy in the car that I parked here earlier, thinking I could see her at Giles' before the funeral. We both get in on the drivers side and I place her gently next to me. She immediately curls up into the fetal position and lays her head down slowly into my lap.

We arrive at the mansion and I once again take her into my arms and bring her into the bedroom. I lay her down carefully into the bed, remove her shoes, and pull the covers up to her chin. Her eyelids flutter open for only a moment, and she reaches out her arms, beckoning for me to join her. I remove my socks, shoes, and my shirt, wet from her tears, and silently climb in next to her. I am hesitant to reach out to her, not knowing if she seeks my embrace, but she settles things in a few moments as she crawls into my arms, her body flush up against mine, our legs intertwined. I kiss her forehead gently and inhale her scent. I hear her sigh with part contentment, part exhaustion, and I watch her as she finally drifts off to sleep. I wish there is something I can do to make her pain go away, but

I know my presence is the only thing I can offer her, that's really all anyone can do.

"And there is nothing I can do..."

I start to stir in the bed and I open my eyes to complete and utter darkness. I go to move and turn on a light when I realize that there is a solid weight on my stomach. I flinch in surprise but then I remember where I am. Angels'. A feeling of comfort surrounds me and I feel Angel start to wake. He rubs almost inconceivable circular patterns on my stomach. Something that I know as his trademark..

I can't see a thing but I know these are Angel's arms I am wrapped in, Angel's chest I am pressed up against, Angel's embrace that brings me more comfort than all the other things in the universe combined. He continues his rubbing and I start to feel sleepy again. He knows this always makes me sleepy and I smile my first real smile in days and I turn and burrow my face into his neck, placing two small kisses on his collarbone as I drift back off to sleep.

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I'm now fully awake but the precious bundle in my arms forces me to lay still, as I want her to sleep as long as possible.

She wakes up and cracks open an eye and reluctantly opens the other one. My arms are at the small of her back, slightly underneath her blouse, and can feel the warmth of her skin against my fingertips. I remove my hands and brush a few stray hairs out of her eyes.

"I must look like hell." She states suddenly. I give her a look that tells her I most certainly don't agree. But I figure I'll humor her.

"You can shower if you'd like, and I'll go make us something to eat."

"Remember the whole vampire thing," she reminds me, "where are you going to get food from?"

I smile at her observation but assure her that I have food I brought with me for Cordelia and Wesley. It's in the mansion already.

She arises from the bed like a graceful cat, just stretching from her nap. She arches her back and blows me a kiss, and heads off to the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am suddenly glad Cordelia has good taste in shampoo. She must use the same kind as me, it smells very familiar. She has one of this clear bottles that you bottle your own shampoo in for short vacations and she must have left it on the counter, thinking she would have returned to the mansion last night. I gather it up and along with the bar of soap Angel left under the sink, I wearily turn on the hot water and climb into the steaming abyss.

I try not to think of the events that occurred yesterday but I can't help but think of the past weeks.

Everything that happens, happens for a reason. The person who said that must have been truly idiotic. What kind of reason would anyone have for taking my mother? My support system, my best friend.

I am suddenly stuck with the fear that I am completely alone and that I am no longer being taken care of. My dad didn't even show up for the funeral, didn't send a card, nothing. Not even a phone call. I mean how hard is it to pick up the phone to call your daughters who just lost the only mother they will ever have. I feel anger stir inside me. He at one point must have loved my mother, and to not even come to the service celebrating her life has got to be the ultimate slap in the face.

What if I turn out just like him? What if, without my mother's guidance, I turn out to be this horrible, wretched person? What if I can't make it on my own? What if Dawn gets sick? I don't know how to take care of her. I wouldn't know what kind of medicine to give her. I can't even cook, let alone prepare a dinner? What if I fail my little sister? What if I'm not enough? What if I let everyone down? What happens then?

All these fears suddenly overwhelm me and I am now aware of the scalding hot water that is beating down my body. I feel it burn me, and for some odd reason, it feels good. I can feel the pain, it exists to me, it hurts, I hurt. I lean my head back against the shower wall. Weakly, I slide down it and curl up in a ball on the floor of the shower. Tears are streaming down my face, and I can't even feel them, I am numb to that pain...All I feel is the heat, the burning, the fire. I wanted to feel numb and now I do. I suddenly realize that breathing has become difficult. I struggle to stand up, but I can't. I'm lost in the steam, lost in my own world, lost inside my fears. I can't find my way out, and a part of me rejoices in this retreat into numbness.

Like Spike said, every Slayer has a death wish, maybe this is mine. To become one, one away and alone, apart from this world. I hear the bathroom door creak open and hear Angel calling my name. I don't respond, hoping he'll leave me alone with my fears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I go downstairs, scrounge up enough food for breakfast, and wait for Buffy to return from her shower. The minutes tick by, and with each additional second I grow more and more anxious. What is taking so long? Why isn't she out yet? And then, I have a realization of her soul crying out to mine. My tingly feeling that I get whenever she's around has become an imperceptible vibration in my stomach. Something is wrong.

"Buffy," I shout as I enter the steam filled bathroom....No response... I can't even see her through all the steam. I open the shower door and in the corner, curled up in a ball is my beautiful Buffy.

She is crying and the look on her face is one of complete sorrow and loss. She looks so scared and alone... I quickly shut off the water and without even making recognition of the fact that she is naked, I scoop her up off the tile and take her out of the shower. I dry her off and she clings to the softness of the towel. I set her on the counter and I pull her into a hug and realize that she is still burning up. Her skin practically scalds mine. I reach into the shower and switch the nozzle to the coldest setting.

"Buffy, I need you to get back in the shower, please," I beg.

She only turns her face away from me and says nothing.

"Baby, I know you don't want to, but you are very very hot right now, you need to cool off or else you are going to pass out. "

She turns her head back around but doesn't make any move for the shower. I don't even know if she could walk there if she tried. She has a very stubborn look on her face and I know now she has no intention if getting back into that shower.

With a desperate frustration, I remove my shirt and shorts, leaving only my boxers, and pick her up, towel and all and step into the icy water. She gasps as the water cascades down her back, and with all that is left of her energy, she topples out of my arms and retreats to the furthest corner of the shower. I stand under the icy stream and hold out my arms to her. Begging with her, pleading with her, all without saying a word, to come to me. She remains indignant for a bit but as I continue to remain under the stream of water. Her resolve softens and she drops her now soggy towel onto the floor of the shower. I am suddenly aware of her nakedness, I didn't even notice it before, and I am now very grateful for the pair of boxers I sport. She slowly walks towards me and joins me under the freezing stream. I feel her tense and then relax as she becomes accustomed to the temperature. She burrows her face in my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her petite frame and we fall into a comfortable embrace. Minutes later she looks up at me and places a small kiss on my Adam's apple

"Feeling better," I ask?

"Much, " was her simple but heartfelt response.

"Why did you do that Buffy, you could have died," I whisper.

"Would that have been so terrible?" She replies.

I am surprised by this. "Buffy how can you even say that?" I really can't either, how can she think she doesn't matter?

"Angel, what if I can't survive without my mom, what if I let Dawn down, what if I can't raise her on my own, what if she dies because of me, what if...?"

I cut her off by placing my finger on her lips. "Buffy, listen to me, you are one of the bravest people I have ever met, I have absolutely no doubt that you will survive, and you will be just fine. Things may get tough, but I know you can do it, you have never let me down, ever, you hear that, and I don't think you plan on starting now. Trust me, things are going to be okay. And you'll always have me to help, and everybody else, we'll all be there to help with Dawn and with everything else. I promise. "I hope what I am saying gets through to her.

She turns and looks me in the eyes. She's trying to see if I am lying, but I'm not, and she knows it. "I love you. Thank you for saving me," She states sweetly.

"But my love you have it backwards," I reply, "it was you who saved me. "

I feel her turn in our embrace and she reaches around me to turn off the water.

"Now I seem to observe a problem here," She says with a mischievous grin.

"What's that?" I reply, knowing exactly what she is referring to.

"You seem to have an awful lot of clothes on while I, on the other hand, am completely naked."

"Well, what are you going to do about..." Even before I finish my sentence she has my boxers pooled around my ankles. Within moments I have her propped up against the back wall of the shower. Our kisses become more urgent, when she suddenly pulls away."Your CURSE!"

In reply I reclaim her mouth again with my own. "It's gone baby...A few weeks ago I saved and infant from a Makagsiki demon and the baby's mother was a gypsy and she bound my soul for me." I stop my sentence abruptly and wonder what her reaction will be. Will she be mad for not telling her sooner?

But my fears subside as I see the tears of joy in her eyes. She give me a watery smile and in a tender moment she pulls me close and kisses my forehead. She peppers my entire face with kisses and the suddenly slips her tongue into my mouth, massaging my tongue with her own. I moan at the action and our passion arises. We are soon lost inside each other. I am left to wonder where she ends and where I begin. We are lost in our own little world, lost inside all the moments we have spent apart, lost inside our fears of the future, but for one moment, all was right in our world and even the universe could no longer deny our perfect love. In this moment, two warrior souls were reminded exactly what they fight for every day, one more moment with each other.

"Because I get lost inside my fears..."

THAT I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU............

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