Disclaimer: Do I really have to say it? I wish I would own them, but this would be dreaming too.
Rating: see the show, you can read this Distribution: if you want it, take it. Just tell me where it goes to.
Spoilers: the whole Buffy- and Angel-TV-series and certainly the first three stories in the series called "Lonely", "Dreaming" and "Lost and Found".
Summary: about eight weeks after Whistler showed up at Buffy's doorstep; Angel still suffers from his memories.

He was dreaming again. He was almost used by now to dream about hell, about his past, about the time his demon had played with Buffy's feelings and terrorized her friends. Everything was still fresh in his mind, so it was only logical he'd have these dreams. But that didn't mean he would ever get *used* to them. It was horrible, seeing the faces of the victims, their frightened eyes just before Angelus would snap their necks or drain their blood. The demonic laughter, the thrill the beast felt creating terror and fear.

The worst dreams of all were the ones about hell. Not about the physical tortures, after all Angel thought he'd somehow earned them. Buffy always insisted it wasn't true, but the vampire had lived with his guilt too long to just shrug it off, especially after his alter-ego had made an appearance not so long ago. He had been so sure the demon was in control but one night, this incredibly wonderful night had proven him wrong. The first time in hell he'd always asked himself how something so beautiful could create such a horrible creature. But soon he had to accept that these thoughts were leading nowhere but to his own destruction being discovered by his torturers.

It was a relief to know this would not happen again and it gave a completely new view into the souls of gypsies - if they had them at all. Could someone have a soul and carry so much hate, to cast a course that was to be broken. Why would they risk the monster to reappear? Another question Angel knew he would never get an answer to, his own mind and the ones of his friends weren't just working that way. How could they wish a human being so pure and loving like Buffy should suffer? Was she to be punished for giving her love to him and for easing his pain, for giving him peace? Maybe there was the real answer somewhere in the hidden depth of a sick mind, but he did not want to go there - it was to horrible to just imagine. And they called themselves human.

The mental tortures were the ones that really haunted his dreams. It had not taken long for the beings in the demon dimension to discover he still had a soul, it had given them almost unlimited possibilities. They also saw the soul was deeply in love which made torture so much easier. He had been forced to look at Buffy making love to other men, mourning soft words in their ears. Laughing with them about the incredibly stupid vampire who had really thought she'd been in love with him. On other days, or were that centuries, Angel wasn't sure anymore, he had to watch her being raped, tortured hundreds of times. After all the time he finally had lost his senses. He forgot about everything, could not feel anymore, not being able to deal with that deep, unbearable pain. All he remembered in the end was a face, deeply burned into his soul. He forgot his name, but never hers. 'Buffy', his mind had repeated again and again like chanting a mantra.

Tonight he saw her again in his dreams. She was bound to a wall, her body naked and covered in blood and bruises while two demons were dancing around her, grabbing for her.

Angel was tossing in his bed. His tortured mind didn't realise he was alone, he was too deep in his nightmare to realise anything. He tried to reach out for her, but he was bound as well, damned to watch her.

"Buffy," an anguished scream escaped his throat and he bolted upright in his bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How are ya this mornin' my beauties?" Doyle wanted to know when he entered the office, smiling at the two women sitting at the desk. Lily was in her chair, an open file in front of her while the slayer sat on the edge of the table, her legs dangling in the air.

The girls giggled and the half-demon seated himself in another chair opposite to Lily's. He had told them about his half-demon-status right away. Not that he had to tell Angel, he had sensed something was different about him from the first moment. Nobody cared about it, he was a nice and funny guy and that was all that mattered.

Still grinning, Buffy looked at him: "How come you are so early today? It isn't even ten."

He shrugged: "Thought I'd look after my girls all alone and helpless." His eyes were sparkling.

Both women laughed out loud and he soon joined them. He liked them both. The slayer was a hottie for sure, not that he would ever dare or even would have a chance for that matter. The way she looked at Angel was proof enough. Lily was nice but shy and not his type, but she had become a good friend and had also become more self-confident over the weeks. He knew Lily was not her real name but she refused to tell them so far.

"What is it about Irish men?" Buffy asked, still grinning broadly.

"It's the water, the good air and lots of good old Irish Whiskey," he told her. "Speaking of which, I remember Angel had some very good stuff around."

The slayer rolled her eyes, exchanging glances with Lily: "It is not even noon."

He only shrugged: "What can I say, I still live in Irish time."

Buffy was about to answer when a loud scream was rocking through the office. The slayer paled immediately and bolted down the stairs.

********

"So we have two slayers now," Willow looked at Giles who was standing at a bookshelf rubbing his glasses.

"It seems," he replied, stepping over to the door of his office. "Faith," he looked at the brunette slayer leaning casually at the wall. "is Kendra's replacement. And as her watcher died and the hellmouth seems pretty busy at the moment the Council decided to keep her in Sunnydale."

"I don't mind not being on my own anymore," Linette said, smiling at her watcher and then at Faith. "The vamps are tricky at the moment, I dusted five last night."

Giles nodded: "Strength in numbers is an advantage."

"Whatever," Faith shrugged. "I just want to know if this meeting is going to get interesting. Otherwise I'd say goodbye."

"W-well," Giles began to stutter not liking the new slayer's attitude. "We were about to research a bit," he explained.

"Fine, do that," she answered coldly. "I get going then, see you on patrol tomorrow night," she dismissed herself with a last nod in Linette's direction.

When the library door closed behind her, Cordelia let out an annoyed breath: "What's her deal?" she looked around rolling her eyes.

"A good question," her boyfriend said. "Do we smell or something?"

"Maybe she is just shy," Linette was always trying to see the good side.

"Please," the former may-queen was getting slightly impatient with the younger girl. "Shy? Her whole body and clothes cry slut."

"Cordelia," Willow tried to jump in, but did not really know what to say. Oh how she wished Buffy was still there. She did not like Faith and by the growl that came from the cage behind her Oz was sharing her opinion. The little witch missed her best friend more with every day. It was still hard for her to believe Buffy was really dead, but Linette was sitting right in front of her and she was the living proof for that. She sighed loudly and looked at Giles. The watcher had dark bags under his eyes, he for sure was not sleeping well. She knew he blamed himself for Buffy's death, blamed himself for not being there for her. As a result he was almost overprotective with Linette these days, always insisting she would not patrol on her own. Most of the nights he was going with her, he had also insisted she should take the spare room in his house as she was an orphan.

"I just hope she will really be a help," Giles suddenly said. "And not a burden after all," his eyes looking worriedly at the door, where the brunette slayer had disappeared only minutes ago.

The other people in the room looked at him and more or less thought the same.

******

When Buffy reached the bottom of the stairs she ran over to the bedroom to Angel's side. The vampire was sitting in their bed, breathing heavily, his eyes wide open in shock.

"Angel," she said softly.

His head snapped at her and his face relaxed a little bit.

"Buffy," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

She took his hand and squeezed it tightly: "Dreams again?"

He nodded. She looked deeply in his eyes: "Do you want to talk about it?" It was almost a rhetorical question as she knew the answer already.

He shook his head emphatically: "No," again his eyes were filled with panic. "I ... I cannot," his voice finally broke.

"Oh Angel," she whispered, reaching for him and embracing him tightly. "I am so sorry, so sorry you had to endure this."

He slightly pulled away from her, so that he could look at her: "You have no reason to be sorry, love. You only did your duty, I have never been so proud of you."

"I know," she said, he had told her again and again, that he did not blame her. It was good to hear it but did not help her deep inner feeling of being the one to blame for these horrible nightmares. "How do you feel this morning," she asked trying to change the subject.

He tried a smile and was surprised it worked: "Better. Stronger." He looked lovingly at her: "You give me strength."

"I am glad," she answered.

"I could work with you, at a case," he suggested hesitantly.

"No," her voice was firm. "It's too early. You're still weak."

"I go out on patrol with you," he protested.

"You do, because I cannot prevent you from coming," she frowned. Three weeks after Whistler's visit Angel had insisted to patrol with her. He said he needed practical training to regain his strength. Buffy knew it was a lie, but she also knew he was too stubborn to stay at home and on the other hand it prevented him from brooding 24/7. He was often sitting down in the apartment, just staring into space. Buffy knew the look, after her lonely time in LA she felt closer to him then ever, she now understood how it felt having done something unforgivable or at least believing it, which was it in Angel's case. None of the crimes he blamed himself for he could have prevented, but of course he shared the memories and Buffy could only guess how it must be to have the memory of joy over someone's death. She knew he needed time to come somewhat around, but he was getting better, he sometimes even laughed, especially around Doyle who was really good for him. The little Irish man had not had an easy life himself, but he always tried to look on the bright side. Brooding was not one of his skills. His life-loving humor was contagious and even Angel wasn't able to shut himself off.

"We could work together on a case. Come on Buffy, this is ridiculous. I am a vampire and I am fine." The slayer could tell he was getting impatient being treated like - well a sick vampire, what he technically still was but refused to be.

"Fine," she echoed. "You just scared the hell out of me, screaming like a wounded animal."

"It was a dream," he sighed. "Just a dream."

"Don't do that," she felt a slight anger rising in her. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but don't think I am stupid. These aren't just dreams. I know they are nightmares, most of them about your time in hell."

"Yeah," he admitted hesitantly. "I really want to tell you, but ... it's too early."

She looked at him: "I understand. Really I do. Okay, we try to work together on the next case. After all you have to come back into real life, right." She tried to sound optimistic, but her heart clenched in her chest by the thought of him fighting a strong demon in his still weak state. Patrol was different. LA wasn't like Sunnydale, vampires weren't hopping around in graveyards, not trying to destroy the world. They were mostly hanging around clubs and most of them were so young and stupid that there weren't a match for him, even in his reduced state. To be frank most of them were just falling on the stake, as if nobody had ever told them they would be killed that way. And Angel had - during the first weeks he spent in bed or sitting on the sofa in the living-room - developed some very handy staking thingies one wore on one's wrist. Very handy indeed.

A smile lit up his face and Buffy almost melted away. "Good," he said. "You have to stop acting like a nurse. I am not complaining, you know. It was fine at the beginning, but I really do feel much better. Almost totally recovered. I know you are worried," he added seeing the clouded look in her eyes. "Hey I am vampire, I heal quickly and after all we are meant to do this together. We did fight together before and it is time we'll do it again." With this he gently pushed her back and got up from the bed. Smiling down at her he said: "I just have to take a shower, why don't we meet upstairs."

But the fifth in the series is coming soon! Don't forget to feedback me!

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