Disclaimer: duuuuh ... if I would own them Angel would be human and living with Buffy somewhere in the sun.
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Land of Denial, Sunlight & Shadow, Angelscharmedslayer, have any of my other stories, just take it; anybody else just tell me where it goes
Spoilers: the whole B/A-cannon to be sure and the first story in the series called "Hidden Words", which you really should read to understand this. If you should need it, just tell me and I send it to you.
Summary: Buffy and Angel deal with their issues and with what Buffy's friends have done
Timeline: immediately after "Hidden Words"
Feedback: of course! So please give it to me!!!!
Dedication: to Sara-Lee, Gemma, Akooma, Nikki, Emma, Li'l Oracle, Taylor, Raphačle, Ryan, Steffanie, Anna, Angelina, Kim and Robin who gave me such great feedback for the first story in the series and convinced me to turn it into a series!!! Thanks so much guys!!!
WARNING: contains probable spoilers based on the rumors about a B/A-meeting in season 5 - Buffy

Buffy woke up disoriented and confused. It needed some minutes for her to recall the events of the previous day and to realise she way laying in Angel's bed with the very man, emphasis on the word *man*, beside her. They were still fully dressed, yet they were so intimately entwined that she had difficulties to see where she ended and he began.

The last afternoon and evening they hadn't done much more than holding each other and crying in each others arms. There had been no words, they would come, they needed to be spoken, but yesterday had only belonged to the sensation of feeling the other close after such a long time.

They hadn't made love, none of them was ready for it. It would happen eventually, Buffy was sure of it, but when they would do it they knew it should be unrestrained, it should be open and without limits and both knew that couldn't happen before they hadn't talked and got acquainted to each other again. They had after all not seen each other for more than eight years.

The last time he'd come to Sunnydale was to take her in his arms and spend comfort when she was devastated over the death of her mother. He had been gentle and compassionate but somehow withdrawn, and now she knew why. Of course he'd expected a reaction from her after he'd written her about the prospect he might become human one day.

She could feel the anger again, slowly creeping up her body, threatening to consume each cell. She had almost forgotten about it in her happiness to be reunited with her one true love.

Almost.

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again. How would she ever be able to look at them again. The knowledge that Riley had known about it wasn't something she would dwell on. Their relationship, if you could ever call it one, was over for years, in fact she hadn't heard of him since the day he'd left Sunnydale for good. And contrary to everybody's expectation she hadn't missed him one minute. She admitted that he had been the right guy at the right time, maybe had been even good for her as long as it went, but the moment it was over, it had been over.

But Giles, whom she'd loved like a father, Xander, whom she'd seen as a true friend these were the betrayals that cut deep, that seemed unforgivable. Xander at least had admitted it had been wrong, had seen his fault. But it hadn't made him tell her the truth either and so she wasn't really sure how she felt about him how.

Still it was Willow's betrayal that hurt most. The trusted friend since her teenage years, her roommate, the shoulder to cry on, the person who knew all her secrets, the girl that had held her the night Angel had told Buffy he would leave Sunnydale. The person she'd believed to understand what was between her and the ensouled vampire, this person had gone behind her back, withheld something so profound like Angel's letter.

Buffy didn't even want to begin to think what would've been different if she'd had the opportunity to read it all these years ago. She didn't know if it would've changed the fact that she'd slept with other men. No, probably not. After all she was a normal young woman, no rewind that, healthy and young, but not normal, certainly not normal. Anyway. She'd enjoyed having sex and she knew that Angel would've expected her to live her life to the full, not to hold back to wait for a dream that maybe wouldn't come true at all or at least not in her lifetime.

But she was absolutely certain that she'd never had encouraged Brian to push her relationship that far and that she'd never accepted his proposal.

Brian.

His name brought a wave of sadness in her mind. Brian with his wonderful blue eyes and his blonde hair, Brian who made her laugh, who took her into the sun, who accepted the fact that she had a sacred duty. Brian whom she'd come close loving like the man on her side, but only close. And Brian whom she'd hurt. Hurt because she'd believed that there couldn't ever be a future with Angel.

So there was another person Giles, Willow and Xander hadn't counted on. A third party that got caught up in their meddling with fate. God, how she hated them. Shortly the thought flashed through her mind if her mother and Dawn had known anything about it. No, not Dawn, because she wouldn't have kept it away from her. Buffy was certain of that. If not for thoughtfulness then for the fact that she couldn't keep a secret, she was even worse than Willow had been at her age.

As for her mother. She was dead and it wasn't really important anymore. She didn't want to think that way about the woman who had given life to her and who had gone so early, leaving her with a father who hadn't cared enough to stay longer than a short while. But he was dead as well now and for that she let him rest with the woman he'd never really loved.

They belonged to her past and her future was now here with the man who had never stopped loving her, so he'd told her yesterday and whom she loved with every fiber of her body. She had to smile when he began to stir and slowly opened his eyes.

"Hey," she smiled at him, their lips only inches apart.

"Hey too," he smiled as well. "Did you sleep well?"

"Hmmm," she made and leaned over to kiss him gently on the lips. He responded immediately and the kiss became more passionate in an instant. They only parted when air became an issue for both of them, a fact Buffy thought she had to get used to as to his warm body or the steady rhythm of his heart. She'd fallen asleep with her ear over the spot, savouring the most wonderful noise she'd ever heard.

"This is nice," she sighed and snuggled even closer to him.

If Angel had to describe heaven he would've just held this very moment. Laying side by side with the woman he loved was perfection for him, who had been in the shadows for more than 200 years. Her eyes were still puffy from the tears she'd spent the day before, her makeup was smeared over her cheeks and her hair tousled but for him she was everything he ever wished for.

"What?" self-consciously one of her hands flew to her hair and in memory of the last time she'd woken up beside him, she said, "Not good."

He grinned in response, recalling that morning as well, "Still no mirrors, at least not in my suite. But there's one in the bathroom downstairs." He rolled his eyes, "Cordy insisted on it. She said that after hunting ugly, scaly demons she needed an opportunity to make herself presentable again."

"I see," she giggled. "Yesterday when I saw her I thought she'd changed a lot, but somewhere deep down she's still Cordy."

"Very true," he sighed, but a smile played on his lips.

"How's Wesley?" she asked after a moment.

"You're really interested in Wesley?" he teased, but sobered, "He's fine. He's become a good friend and has changed a lot. He even got over his crush for Cordelia, who in fact is in a permanent relationship with Gunn."

"Gunn?"

"I met him," he chuckled, "or better he met me. They tried to kill me. They were a bunch of kids hunting vampires or more likely fighting a war. Then his sister was turned into a vampire and he had to kill her."

"Oh God," she breathed with wide eyes.

"Yeah. He staked her and somehow he began to tolerate and trust me. When we moved the agency into this hotel they kinda moved in. All the kids who were with him, some of them barely 16." He smiled and pushed a strand of blonde hair from her face. "I had to think about you when I looked at them. The day I saw you on the steps of Hemery when you were called."

"And Cordy and ... uhm ... Gunn are and ... uhm ... you know."

"Yes," he chuckled again. "And he's not at all what I'd expected Cordelia to date. He's neither rich nor well educated, but he's a good guy and over the years became one of the very few friends I have."

"You made some friends in LA, didn't you. Cordy, Wesley and Gunn. Something you never had in Sunnydale." It was spoken casually but Angel could feel the underlying sadness in her words. That he had found something while he was away from her, something she had failed to give him.

Stroking her cheek tenderly he smiled, "There was not one second I didn't miss you. I didn't need to seek for friends in Sunnydale because all I needed was you."

The smile she gave him in response told him he'd found the right words to express his feelings for her. Still there was so much more they had to talk about to have a chance to start fresh or as fresh as possible. Slowly and gently he pushed her away from him and got up. "Maybe we should both take a shower and have some coffee and then ... talk?"

"Yes," she replied without hesitation, knowing that they needed to do exactly that to find their way to each other.

"Well, you are free to use the shower here. I take one in another room. Did you bring any clothes?"

"Uhm," she gave him a sheepish smile, "not exactly. I left in a hurry."

He couldn't help the happy smile that crept over his face. "You can take some of the spare ones of Cordy's. She keeps them here, well not here," he gestured to his room. "But in a spare room on this floor. It's no. 16 - so just go there and get what you need. It should be about the same size. Well at least you can get some pants and a shirt - I think."

"Thanks," she interrupted his nervous rumble. He was cute when he was nervous she decided. But then, when had she ever not thought he was cute. "See you then in half and hour?"

"Alright," and with a last smile he left the room.

*

Half an hour later they sat in the lobby of the hotel, both holding a steaming mug of coffee in their hands. Buffy was the first to break the silence, somehow both of them seemed shy to share the events of the past years.

"Well," she gave him a hesitant smile. "Who starts?"

"Whom do you want to start?"

"If it's alright, I go first. Then it's over and done." She leaned back and began. Telling him about Parker, the feeling of having been used after he'd let her down, about Riley, the man who had let vampires drink from him to get even with her, her two other boyfriends and about Brian. "You would like each other," she said but then grimaced, "if it wasn't for the fact that you love the same woman. But after you he was the best that ever happened to me. And I hated the fact I had to hurt him, even more now that I know I could've prevented it if I had known about your letter."

"Buffy...," he tried to interrupt her but she held up a hand.

"Don't tell me now that you understand them. Because I know you, Angel. You are able to understand almost everything. And Don't tell me I should forgive them, because at the moment I really hate them. I think I've rarely or never been that angry in my whole life. When I picture Willow's face I want to hit something." She thought for a moment, "Do you still patrol? Hunt vampires I mean?"

"No," he shook his head. "Well I haven't since I became human two nights ago. Mostly because I had other things in my mind but also because missing vampire strength is something I have to get used to first."

"We could go tonight. I could stake some ... you know work out my anger," she grinned.

"Poor vamps," he sighed but chuckled.

"Xander is married to Anya," she continued her story. "But you probably know that from Cordelia. I know she and Xand have stayed in touch."

"Yeah, I know," he nodded. "Who would've thought Xander would marry an ex-demon, he of all people."

She had to laugh at that, "And Anya is really strange sometimes. But you get used to it ... after years of training. You'll see it when ...," she trailed off and tears welled up in her eyes.

"Buffy...,"

"No," she held up her hand again and angrily shook her head. "I need to get used to it. They don't belong to our live anymore. I will not go back."

"You're still the slayer," he reminded her.

"I know, I know," she sighed. "And in a case of emergency I can go there but I won't go back and I will certainly not live with Willow again. It's also the best for Brian. He lives there and that way we won't accidentally run into each other." She took a deep breath, "And did you know that Giles and Willow are seeing each other. After Oz left, she dated Tara, I thought I would freak out when I realised she had a love affair with a woman. Willow of all people, shy, romantic, lying, false Willow." Her voice had become hard during the last part of her speech.

"Anyway. After that she dated one or two guys and it became apparent that Tara was just a one time thing. And then two years ago her relationship with Giles changed. Slowly, gradually and one morning she came back to our apartment telling me that she and Giles had become lovers." Her eyes narrowed, "They certainly have earned each other." She looked up again and into his eyes, "And you?"

He shrugged, "There isn't much really. Mostly an every day routine, sleeping during the day or sometimes not, hunting evil at night. Helping some people and these things. Sometimes working with that cop I know. Kate, her name is Kate. Maybe you remember her from ... well, when you came about ... about Faith," he said hesitantly, not sure how she felt about the other slayer now. "Kate was the cop who arrested me."

"The one who wanted to give you a cell with a window facing east, yeah, I remember her," she replied sarcastically. "Not the kind of person I want to be acquainted with."

He had to laugh at that, "She isn't really that bad, you know. She went through a rough time. Her father, he had been a cop as well, was killed by vampires. I was there, but couldn't do anything because he didn't invite me in. After that, well let's just say vampires weren't high scoring in her book and she didn't care if they had souls or not."

He put his cup down and suddenly stood up, knowing that what he would tell her now he wouldn't be able while sitting. "I went through a rough time as well," he began, turning and looking at her again. "Darla came back."

"What?" she stared at him incredulously. "B-but you staked her?"

"I know. There's this law firm in L.A. Wolfram & Hart. They were lawyers but their clients weren't the usual sort, if you understand what I mean. More than once our paths crossed and after a while I really seemed to annoy them." He took a deep breath and began to pace, "They had this box. And with it they could bring a vampire back. So they brought Darla. First I thought I only dreamed about her, but then I realised she was real and what was even more confusing was the fact that she was human."

"Human!?" Buffy could barely believe it.

"Yeah. I ... I tried to help her. She was confused. She was like me when I got my soul back. I still felt a connection to her. She was - after all - my sire. And I felt responsible, I thought ... I thought I could get her to the point that she would be willing to make amends." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Stopping, he faced her again, "And I was close," he measured an inch distance between his thumb and index finger. "But it appeared that she'd had syphilis before she'd been turned. She never told me." He sighed and took his spot on the sofa again.

"She had been a whore, I knew that, but what I didn't know was the fact that she was about to die when the Master came to her and changed her. And now that she was human again, the sickness went on. Today syphilis wouldn't be much of a problem, but her case was too advanced. And she was terrified. She had just been resurrected and didn't want to die. She wanted me to make her a vampire again. I refused and finally she was ready to die. But then Wolfram & Hart interfered and found a vampire mad enough to do what I had refused her."

"Drusilla?" somehow Buffy just knew.

He didn't seem surprised, only nodded, "Yeah. The idea to sire her own grand-sire thrilled her. They made me watch it," He took a deep breath, knowing that now he had to tell her everything, "From there it spiralled down. I almost lost it." Seeing her expression he had to smile, "Not that way. I didn't change into Angelus, but I came pretty close. Do you remember Christmas when the First Evil haunted me. About that close. I ... I don't know," again he ran a hand through his hair.

"Thinking about it today it seems almost unreal." He shook his head and let out a short laugh, "Anyway. I became unreliable. I fired Cordelia and Wesley. I did it to protect them, but it was one more reason for them not to trust me. I even let Drusilla and Darla kill a bunch of lawyers of Wolfram & Hart without interfering."

"Oh Angel," Buffy reached out and touched his hand, understanding how hard it was for him, because he'd been in possession of his soul when it happened.

"Finally," he continued, "I was ready to let go. Nothing was important anymore for me. I wanted to give up and I slept with her. With Darla." He heard Buffy gasp and gave her a lopsided grin. "Yeah. We did it more than once that night. But what happened was something none of us expected. Darla proved to be my salvation. At least for that moment."

"I ... I don't think I understand," she said slowly.

"How could you?" he took her hand in his and squeezed it. "I didn't understand it myself. When it was over I was still there. I never lost my soul, I didn't even come close. That was the moment I realised I was different. I was not the same animal she was or Spike or Drusilla or all the other vampires. The fact I hadn't lost my soul in having sex with my sire, something I had done countless times before, showed me that whatever relationship we had it wasn't the same what I had with you." Now he smiled. "I was free. Suddenly I was free. God, it felt good. You can't even imagine how good it felt."

Seeing her expression, he quickly added, "Not having had sex with her, but feeling free. Darla took my life so many years ago but that night she gave it back to me. That night she set me free. After that she left and never came back again. I don't know where she is and I don't even care. I'm only sure of one thing. She won't come back to L.A."

They were silent for a long time after he'd finished his story, both sipping at their coffees, hanging on their thoughts. Again it was Buffy who spoke first.

"Angel, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "It's up to you. For me, I can hardly believe you're here with me. Yesterday morning I thought everything was lost and you would be married by now. But you're here. So whatever you want is alright with me."

She nodded and became silent again. "I already told you," she said after a while, "that I'm not going back to Sunnydale. Not permanently, that is. I thought about finding an apartment in L.A."

He looked at her for a long moment, "Well," he said hesitantly, "you could ... I mean ... apartments are expensive around here and I've got this big hotel. So if you want you could stay here." Quickly he added, "There are many rooms and even some unoccupied suites."

She had to smile at the uncertainty in his eyes and the sweetness of his offer, but she could also see hope there. "I would like that," she replied and saw the happy smile that spread over his face, "but I'd rather stay in the room we spent the night in. I kinda like it."

"I see," he looked at her, "that's alright," he assured her quickly. "Whatever you want. I can remove my stuff quickly. It isn't really that much, I have no problem with an other room and ..."

"Angel," she interrupted him. "It's not what I mean. I was more thinking about sharing it with you." She caught her lower lip between her teeth, "if you want it too, that is." She looked at him expectantly.

"Want? Oh Buffy," he took her hand. "I never dreamed ... I mean," embarrassed he stopped and looked down. Taking a deep breath he continued, "I'm making a mess of this," he muttered. "I honestly didn't expect that," he finally admitted looking at her again.

"Why ever not?"

"Well first of all it's been more than eight years. I cannot expect that we just forget about it and that you fall into my arms and live with me. You had a life going on in Sunnydale and mine was in L.A.," he ran a hand through his hair and smiled sheepishly, "I'm really talking a lot of nonsense today."

"No," she smiled at him gently, lovingly. "You make perfect sense. Well, to me, but then we always had something special."

"Yeah," he agreed. "And to answer your question. There's nothing I would want more than living together with you. I love you, Buffy Summers, you are my life. And in offering to stay with me you make my dreams come true."

"Make love to me Angel, now," she said suddenly, urgently, squeezing his hand.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, very sure," she replied without hesitation. "I waited almost 12 years for this. I am very sure and I love you too."

With a swift movement he pulled her into his arms. Both lovers lost themselves in each other. Both knew there were things they had to face soon. First of all Buffy's friends in Sunnydale. And Angel knew that Cordelia would be back soon as would be Wesley and Gunn. But today and tonight belonged to them and to them alone.

The world would intrude soon enough. But this time it had to wait.

of the second story. There can be more if you want! Just tell me!!!! And tell me if you still like the way that goes.

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