Note: This is my first fanfic ever! So please be kind. English is also not my native language although I watch the show only in English because the translation is sooooo bad. I hope you will enjoy the story. It is B/A although you might not think that in the beginning. Be patient. Oh, and I am writing this on my sister's computer. I am Jill. (the other name appearing in the adress is my sister).
Disclaimer: I do not own them - what a pitty!
Rating: if you see the show you can read this
Spoilers: all seasons, set in the future
Feedback: of course.
Time Zone: set in the future
Summary: 10 years after graduation 2, Buffy is still the slayer and works part time as a psychiatrist at the Sunnydale hospital, the gang is still in Sunnydale, Doyle never died - for the rest: read the story!

Part 1

Buffy Summers shut the door of her office at the Sunnydale hospital at 5 p.m. It had been a hard day. A young girl of 15 had been her patient the whole afternoon. She had tried to kill herself because her boyfriend did not talk to her anymore. She had given him her virginity at the age of 14 and now he had dumped her. It was a sad story and on top of this the girl's parents did not help at all by accusing the daughter for the fact she had slept with her boyfriend. The girl had a long way to go...

A short Flashback brought Buffy back to a certain apartment in Sunnydale the morning after her 17th birthday. Yes, she could understand the feelings of the girl. She snapped when a loud noise disturbed her thoughts. The driver in the car behind her was shouting and Buffy realised the traffic lights were green. She drove on and stopped in front of Giles' apartment. It had become a regular habit to drop in after work.

Giles sat in one of his huge chairs with a book and a cup of tea. Buffy smiled, he still seemed the same man that she had met 12 years ago in the library of Sunnydale high school, only the gray hairs would tell a different story. When he saw her standing in his living room he smiled:

"Buffy!"

She smiled back and took a seat opposite to him. He took his glasses off and looked at her:

"How was the day?"

"Heavy, but nothing out of the ordinary. And you?"

"I just read about this demon. Agapis. It is very interesting ... however, I do not want to tell boring stories. What will you do tonight?"

She grinned:

"Patrol?!"

"Of course. That is not what I meant. After patrol."

She shook her shoulders: "Don't know. Heading home, watching television, why?"

"Because I think it is not good for you to be alone on this special day."

Buffy looked at him. She took a deep breath and fought the tears she could feel in her eyes:

"I am alright, Giles."

He only nodded but she could see the doubt in his eyes. After a short while she left.

*******

Patrol was boring, only one vamp showed up and Buffy dusted him easily. After two hours she headed home. She was surprised to find Willow in front of her door. The redhead smiled when she saw her friend coming. Buffy looked curious:

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I thought I drop by and visit a friend."

Buffy nodded and opened her door then she asked:

"Did Giles phone you?"

"No, why?"

"Doesn't matter. I am glad you came."

Willow smiled: "Me too. It is a hard day for you."

Buffy nodded again and disappeared in her bedroom to change. When she came back Willow already sat in the living room. On the table Buffy could see some snacks and a bottle of red wine. She grinned:

"A whole bottle for me?"

"Why do you think it is for you?"

"Because pregnant women do not drink alcohol."

Willow grinned back and looked at her slightly rounded stomach. She was six months pregnant with her second child. She and Oz had been married five years ago, their first child, a girl named Anne, was three. Willow rose her head again: "I can have a little bit. The doctor says it will not do any damage. He is Italian and he told me that his mother used to drink red wine throughout all her pregnancies."

Buffy opened the bottle and poured two glasses for herself and Willow. She leaned back on her chair and looked at her friend:

"Giles said I should not be alone tonight, you know."

"He loves you."

"I know. But I can deal with it Willow. It is still hard, it is still painful but I'll live."

"I know, you were always strong. I also know you have been separated a long time before this happened, but it is still a difference. When Oz left me I was depressed, hurt, angry but I always knew he was somewhere, he was alive. This is different, it is hopeless."

Buffy looked at her friend, she felt the tears on her cheeks but did not try to weep them away:

"When Cordy phoned that day I thought I would die. But then I remembered his words that he would always love me, always be with me. Nothing would change that not even death. That is what keeps me going on, Willow, the belief that he is there somewhere watching over me. But I miss him, Will, I miss him so much." Her tears were coming now, Willow reached over and took her hand squeezing it tightly. She taught back to that special day five years ago. Cordelia rang and told them about a fight that had happened in LA. Angel, Cordy and Doyle against ten vampires. When the fight was over Angel was nowhere to be found. They had searched for him everywhere. Two days later Doyle had gone back to the place of the fight. When he came back to the office he had tears in his eyes and in his hand he held a ring. Willow remembered Buffy taking the ring from him and breaking down, crying hysterically. On this special day five years ago Angel had died.

Part 2

Buffy woke the next morning after a deep sleep. Willow's wine had been a great help. Surprisingly she felt no headache. She stood up, took a shower and headed for the hospital. Today was Wednesday and she had to be there in the morning. Nurse Madison smiled at her when she left the elevator:

"Miss Summers, good you are here. Dr. Levinson has asked for you, I believe he has a new case for you."

"What about the girl?"

"Her parents took her away yesterday night after you left. They live in LA and wanted her near home."

Buffy only nodded and headed for Dr. Levinson's office. He greeted her friendly and showed her a seat. He looked serious. "Buffy, I would like you to help me with a new case."

"Alright."

"I will give you the details: A young man was found at Sunnydale airport last night. He was confused, he has no memories, none at all. The police tried to find out about him but they weren't successful. He is also not in the best condition, he looks as if he has been ill recently."

Buffy nodded. "I see."

"He is very shy. He does not talk a lot. But this is not surprising in his circumstances. When I asked him why he was in Sunnydale he only said that something drove him here but he did not know what. So, would you like to help me?"

"Of course. It sounds interesting. What is the plan?"

"I need a person that will be with him as often as possible, try to talk to him. He is very confused because he does not remember anything. I have tried to explain him that he must not press for the memories. It would help him if he would find a person he can trust."

"You think I should be this person." It was only a statement.

Dr. Levinson nodded. "Yes. Are you okay to see him on your own?"

"Now?"

"If you are okay with it."

Buffy nodded and stood up. She turned in the doorframe.

"I will try my very best."

******

Buffy stood in front of door no. 303. A new case, lost memories, she was nervous this was the first time she had a case like that. Slowly she opened the door and entered the room. She saw a person lying in the bed his face turned away. A shiver run through her body at the same moment. 'What is the matter with me' she thought. She cleared her throat: "Hello."

When there was no reaction she stepped closer to the bed and started:

"Hi, I am Buffy and I am here to help you. They told me you do not remember anything. But maybe you could need a ... a friend?"

She saw that his body tensed under the sheets and he turned slowly. When he finally faced her she gasped and stepped back gripping the chair. She tried to breathe deeply to prevent herself from fainting, her knees were weak and her legs were shivering. Her eyes were wide when she finally whispered,

"Angel."

Part 3

Several minutes later after Buffy regained her composure she stepped nearer to the bed. Angel stared at her - he had not said one word but his eyes never left her face. None of both could say a word and it was in fact Angel who broke the silence

"Do you know me?"

Buffy simply nodded. Angel rose slightly in his bed

"I ... I ... I do not remember anything, but somehow I have the feeling we have been ...," he stopped and looked in her eyes:" ... close?"

Buffy had finally found her voice again "We have."

"Can you tell me more?"

She took the chair and sat down "What do you remember?"

"Only bits and pieces. I remember a cellar and ... injections. There are voices ... and people ... giving me injections. Then suddenly I was free. This was two weeks ago. I did not know who I was but something drew me to Sunnydale. I saw the name of the town on a map and I just knew I had to come here. How were you calling me?"

"Angel. Your name is Angel."

He frowned "That is a pretty uncommon name, don't you think."

She smiled "I always thought it was beautiful."

"Can you tell me anything else?"

She hesitated not knowing what he was ready to face. This was also the moment she realised that she was sitting there talking to Angel in bright daylight. She had been so in shock that she did not see it earlier. But it hit her now. What on earth had happened to him, she thought him dead for five years and now he was sitting here in a hospital bed, not knowing anything but obviously human. She reached out and touched his cheek that was warm now

"First of all, my name is Buffy."

"You said that before and somehow the name sounds familiar."

She smiled "We met when I was 16, I was in highschool and ... we were dating for some time. After some time you ... we broke up and you went to LA to help... to work there."

"What did I do?"

"You had a detective agency."

His eyes went wide "A detective agency?"

"Yes, you worked with Cordelia, Doyle and Wesley. Do you remember any of them?"

"No, I am sorry. I wish I could..."

She took his hand

"There is nothing to be sorry about. Do not press anything. When your head is ready to face this you will remember." If ever, she added in silence. Knowing what his head would have to face it could also be he would never remember. But that was not important at the moment, the only thing that was important was the fact that he was sitting here and literally alive. Buffy felt her heart skip a beat and she felt her soul singing out of joy. She could not help but smile broadly. Angel looked curious "What is that for?"

"Oh, nothing. Angel, I have to tell you something important."

"What?"

"You were supposed to be dead. We... I ... all your friends think you are dead for five years."

She heard the sharp breath he took before he looked at her again "Dead?"

She nodded "Yes. You ... you were involved in a fight, it had to do with your job. You...you... kinda disappeared and everyone thought ..."

"But why did they think I was dead when they did not find my body?"

Oh god, Buffy thought, what am I going to tell him. I cannot say 'hey this was because you are ... were a vampire and they only leave dust when they die'. She swallowed and said "Huuh... there was a fire in ... in a building. The building burnt down and everyone thought..."

"I understand," he cut in.

Buffy let go of his hand, stood up and paced the room:

"You have to stay here in the hospital for some days. Your body is not in the best condition, but after that... where will you go?"

He shrugged "I do not know."

"Why don't you stay with me?"

He looked at her and smiled "I would love to."

She smiled back "Angel... I know you are still confused, but ... would it be alright if I told my friends you are here ... alive?"

"This is alright with me. I do not remember them but I suppose when they are my friends they should know I am not dead."

******

Buffy stood in front of Giles' apartment the same evening. She had left the hospital shortly after noon. After their conversation Angel seemed exhausted and needed rest. Buffy had still difficulties to digest this day. He was alive, literally alive, not only there but alive. He was talking to her, looking at her, she had touched him. All the things she would never ever had expected doing to him again. After reaching her apartment she had called all the gang to meet at Giles' in the evening for important news. She had even called Cordelia, Wesley and Doyle. They promised to come although Cordelia was complaining about wasting her time with things that could easily be said over phone. But Buffy insisted everyone coming in person, this was just too important and Buffy also feared they would think she was crazy. She remembered the time shortly after his death ... presumed death ... when she thought she would see him. She also remembered the pitiful eyes of her friends, the concerned look of Giles or her mother. Oh mom, I forgot to call mom, she thought. Well, maybe better - the shock will come soon enough.

Finally Buffy reached out for the door and pushed it open. When she entered the living room she could see everyone was already there and expectantly staring at her. She looked around and simply said "Hey guys."

Giles rose from his seat and came over "Buffy. Good you are here. What is the matter? Did something happen on patrol yesterday?"

"No, nothing happened on patrol. In fact patrol was boring, but it was not the reason I called you."

"What is the reason then?" Xander looked at her quizzically. She took a deep breath

"I know this may now sound crazy, but... you know ... oh God. Simply said, Angel is alive."

All stared at her in silence, unbelieving, shocked, she could hear some of them gasping when Willow suddenly said "Oh, Buffy, I know it was a hard day yesterday, but..."

"No, Will. I am not crazy. Listen, I came to the hospital this morning, we have a new patient. Dr. Levinson, my boss, he said I should look for him, he had been found at the airport without a memory. So I went to see him and it was ... Angel."

"What?" Giles took Buffy's hand. She nodded

"You heard right. It is Angel, and there is more, he obviously is no vampire anymore. He is alive."

Cordy stood up, walked over to Buffy and took her hand. Buffy could see tears in her eyes when she said "Are you sure? It is really him?"

Buffy nodded, a happy expression on her face:

"It is him. But he has amnesia, total amnesia. He didn't even know his name. He told me that he came to Sunnydale because something drove him here. He also said he remembered being captured in a cellar, getting injected with whatever and being freed two weeks ago." Then she looked at Giles:

"Giles, how is this possible? How can he be human?"

"I don't know, Buffy, this is extraordinary, we have to do research. I have to ... my books..." he seemed a loss of words.

Cordelia looked at Buffy "Can we see him?"

"In a few days. At the moment he is very weak. Whatever was injected in him was not doing his body any good. And he is really confused, so it might be to early for him to face ... more ... people from his past."

Cordelia nodded and walked back to her husband. Doyle sat comfortably on the sofa. Willow looked at her best friend. "How did he react on you, Buffy?"

"He did not know me either, but he said he would feel we had been close."

Willow smiled. "You had always a special bond."

Buffy nodded "When I entered the room I could not see him but I had this feeling... this feeling ... well, the feeling I only have when he is around." Oz took his wife's hand. "And what is going to happen now?"

"He has to stay in the hospital for a few days as I said before but then... well, I invited him to stay with me after that."

Part 4

When Buffy entered Angel's room the next morning he was not in his bed. She looked around in his room and found him standing at the window. He turned when he realised she was in the room and smiled "Good Morning."

"Good Morning to you too. How was your night? Do you feel better?"

He nodded "I do. I am glad you are here. I have a question."

"Alright, go on."

"I had a dream. You were in this dream wearing a ... a dress, I know you might think I am crazy, but it looked like one of those the women did wear some hundred years ago." When he saw her smiling he said: "Do you know what the dream means?"

"Yes, I do. The dress you saw... it was a costume for Halloween."

"Oh... I see. Now it makes sense."

"What do you mean?"

He went to the bed and sat down "Halloween. Because I was in the dream too and I was ... well, I looked like a vampire, you know those things you see in horror movies."

Buffy looked to the ground to hide her eyes, she turned and pulled the chair to his bed to sit in front of him. Then she took two deep breaths and faced him again

"As I said, it was Halloween. Did you see anything else?"

"Indeed, I did. I saw us lying in bed, we were ... uuhm... naked. You looked so beautiful and I could feel how happy we were."

Buffy smiled when she saw him looking at his hands saying these last words, the word 'embarrassing' written all over his face. She reached out for his hand

"Hey, I remember that too. It was a long time ago. It was the night of my 17th birthday."

He looked up and she continued "It was the first... you know... the first time we made love." And the only one, she added in silence.

He cleared his throat and said "I could see you, lying beside me. Then the dream ended. But I am glad these things really happened, maybe my memory will come back."

She nodded "It will. That's usually the way it goes, you know. It comes back in bits and pieces, very slowly. Is there anything else?"

"No. No more dreams."

"Good. Angel, I told our friends you were alive. First they did not believe me, but now... They want to see you of course but I told them they should wait for some days, is that okay with you?"

He stood up again and walked to the other side of the bed "I ... I don't know. I really do not remember them."

"But you did not mind seeing me?"

"No, no, that is different. I remember you ... well, not really remember but I can feel you, you know... feel that we know each other. I doubt I will have this with anyone else. But I can imagine they want to see me, so it is okay. I only hope they will not be disappointed when I cannot remember them."

"They won't, I promise. I told them about your memory loss. They are so glad you are alive, you know."

He turned to face her again "Was ... I mean, was I a good person?"

"What?"

"Was I good, a righteous man?"

"You were, you helped a lot of people."

She smiled, yes he was, she thought. Angel was that person, a caring, loving man that would always put other people above himself. The demon was a different thing, but it was certainly not Angel. It had been a long way for her to realise the difference. Because the demon was wearing the face of her former lover it sometimes made her forget the real Angel, she was glad she could now so easily see the difference. When Buffy heard the next question she nearly fainted again:

"What did you say?"

"How old am I?"

Oh God, she thought, what am I going to tell him. She licked her lips and said:

"You are 32." Well, he looks like 32, why not. He will believe me, hopefully. She send a silent prayer to every god in the universe.

He nodded "Yes, I thought around this. Although it is still strange. The dream I told you before, I could see you as a young girl, but I... I looked nearly the same I do today."

Buffy took another deep breath "Oh... well, it was a dream, right? I mean, dreams ... You know, you don't remember yourself, it is possible you can only see you the way you are now."

Buffy, you are a bad liar, very bad, but he seemed to believe her

"Oh. You are the expert. How long do I have to stay here?"

"I talked to Dr. Levinson, my boss, he said for one or two more days. Your body has recovered very well. So not for very long."

"Good. I hate this, a hospital. I feel really strange here. Do you know if I have ever been to a hospital before?"

"No, not that I know."

He suddenly closed his eyes and pressed his hand against his forehead. Buffy saw him shaking and rushed over to take his hand, but it was over by then. She led him to the bed and he sat down. Buffy looked at him:

"What is the matter?"

"I ... I had a ... flashback. I saw myself and you, we were kissing. And now comes the point where the story gets weird, we were kissing in a graveyard."

When Buffy saw him looking at her, expecting an explanation she said:

"Uuuh... we ... we used to walk often ... at night. You used to like graveyards, you said they were so peaceful."

"Really? This sounds weird too. I liked graveyards? At night? I must have been a strange person then. Because now, at the moment, I could think about many places where I would kiss you but the last would be a graveyard."

Buffy grinned "That was many years ago, people change."

"Obviously they do," he said and grinned as well.

Then Buffy realised what he had said just a moment ago:

"Did you just say you could imagine many places where you would kiss me?" Her voice was only a whisper. He nodded and reached out for her neck to bring her face near to his. He whispered: "Yes and this is one of them."

Then she felt his lips on hers. It was a well known feeling that run through her body and it was new at the same time. The kiss was soft and gentle but also passionate. When he finally broke it both were breathless. Buffy could see his eyes full of love and trust and she felt tears in hers. She smiled "That was nice."

He nodded."Yes, it was. But we better stop now because I fear it could get out of control."

She nodded also "You are right and misbehaviour in a hospital room with a patient could cost my job."

He grinned broadly "So, what happens then today?"

"Oh... I have to go at noon, but they will do some tests with you. If they are okay I will ask my boss if you can leave tomorrow. Would you like that?"

"Yes, I would."

Part 5

On her way - this time on foot - home Buffy could not stop thinking about Angel. He had changed so much. Although he was still confused he was smiling a lot, he even grinned. The kiss had been so familiar but on the whole completely non-Angel, he had kissed her just because he wanted it. There had been no guilt, no pain and no hesitation, he had even admitted that he wanted more. Buffy could only smile thinking about that. Yes, he had definitely changed but she liked it. When she had entered the room in the morning she had felt he was thinking but he was not brooding.

Buffy unlocked the door of the apartment building and stepped the stairs on to the second floor only to look into the smiling faces of Cordelia and Doyle. She smiled back "Hi."

"Hi. We were waiting for you. Giles said you would be back at 1 a.m."

Buffy looked to her watch and shrugged "I was delayed."

Doyle grinned "Angel?"

Buffy only nodded and opened the door to her apartment, letting her visitors in she said "He had dreams. He wanted to know if they were reality."

Cordelia looked concerned "Dreams?"

"Yes, but not bad dreams, only good ones."

"Oh." Buffy could hear Cordelia's relief. She looked at her:

"Actually there was a dream he had about Halloween, you know, when Ethan Rayne did the spell. He saw himself as a vampire, but he thinks because I told him it was at Halloween that this was only a costume. He actually said 'I was a vampire, you know the ones you see in horror movies'."

All three smiled. Then Cordelia said "Maybe it is better for him to believe this at the moment. What do you think?"

"Definitely. He would not be able to deal with his past, especially the dark parts of it. We must not tell him a word about this. The only way he can ever face this is when his memories come back."

Buffy looked to the kitchen "Have you had lunch? Because I am going to get something to eat now."

"I am not hungry, but would like a decaf if possible, what about you Doyle?"

"Coffee is fine with me, do you have Whiskey?"

Buffy laughed "Why?"

Cordelia gave Doyle a look "It's his way of improving coffee-taste."

"I see. Yes, I should have Whiskey, Xander gave me a bottle as a present last Christmas and as I do not drink it the bottle should be somewhere."

She turned and went for the kitchen making coffee and a light lunch for herself. When she came to the living room she found Cordelia and Doyle kissing on her couch. She cleared her throat and the both broke their intimacy. Buffy grinned:

"Hey, you are a married couple. No need to look embarrassed." Cordelia smiled "But no need for PDA, you know." She smiled at Doyle, then took her coffee from Buffy's hands. When Buffy sat down Cordelia looked at her: "Buffy, there is something we have to talk about. Something about Angel. I know you did not have contact for a long time before his presumed death and so I have to fill you into some details you should really know, especially if you plan to have him in your apartment for some time."

Buffy nodded and Cordelia continued "Some time after your last visit in LA Angel found out that Darla was alive. Not really alive, but back, she was a vampire. Some strange people had revived her. She was meant to kill Angel and nearly succeeded when Faith came to save him and died in his place."

Buffy gasped "Faith saved his life?"

"Yes, she did. Darla killed her and Angel then killed Darla. We then destroyed her ashes, threw them into the ocean to make sure she would never come back. However as the time went on we forgot all about it but shortly before Angel died ... did not die ... geez, before the day he got phone calls and letters threatening him he would be killed. The letters were signed 'remember Darla'. Angel did not pay them much attention but we were concerned. I do not know if this had something to do with the whole thing but at least you should know."

Buffy looked at the former may queen and then at Doyle "Thanks for telling me. It is good to know. But everybody should think he is dead so there should be no danger?"

"I don't know. What keeps me thinking is the fact you told us about the cellar and the injections. He did not have any more details, did he?" Cordelia took her cup and drank coffee. Buffy took a bit of her sandwich and said "No, unfortunately not. There is a five years gap and that makes me feeling rather uncomfortable. He says he was suddenly free and that he only remembers the last two weeks. But what happened in these five years, was he captured, imprisoned? What injections did he get? And then we have the little side effect that he is human now. I would love to know the answers but he cannot give them - at the moment and there is no way pressing him."

"I know you are the expert, Buffy, but is there no way of hypnosis?"

"That is sometimes used in anemsia. In Angel's case there is no way. In hypnosis you cannot control the memories he will have and as we all know what this means we cannot risk it. It could destroy him. The only way is to wait and let his mind decide what he is able to face or not."

Doyle looked at Buffy while mixing more Whiskey in his coffee "When will he leave the hospital?"

"I hope tomorrow. I have talked to my boss and if his body heals as quickly as it has so far there is no problem for him leaving tomorrow."

Cordelia looked surprised "He heals quickly?"

"Yeah. It seems parts of his advanced healing abilities are still there."

Cordelia looked around in Buffy's apartment "And he is going to stay here? Do you have a spare bedroom?"

"No. But he can use mine. The couch is really comfortable."

Doyle grinned "Well, maybe it is not needed for a long time."

Cordelia hit him and looked at Buffy "Do not listen to him. Can we see him then?"

"I talked to him about this and he agreed seeing you, but please not all at the same time. He has still difficulties to digest everything. I have never had a case of amnesia before but read a lot about them. It must be a very lost feeling, having no memories and to depend on things people tell you."

Then another thought came into Cordelia's head "What happens while you are at work?"

"I have talked to Dr. Levinson about this. I told him the whole story about Angel." When she saw Cordelia's and Doyle's looks she said "No, not the whole story, but the fact that he is an old friend, presumed dead and so on, he agreed to my request for four weeks off. So I am free for four weeks and can take care of him. He is really glad Angel is going to stay with me as he feels he will need a lot more professional care."

Cordelia looked at her husband and to her watch "Oh, we have to go. I promised my parents we would drop in this afternoon." Both of them rose and went over to the door:

"Will you be at Giles tonight - what a question, of course you will. So see you then." The door shut behind them and Buffy was alone.

She went back to the table to finish her sandwich. This was the moment when the whole situation hit her. Tomorrow Angel would be in her apartment, she would spend days and weeks with him - ALONE - in her apartment. Oh boy, she thought. Then her thoughts went back to Cordelia's story. Angel had killed Darla, again. And Faith had saved his life. That was only fair in Buffy's eyes for the fact she had endangered his life some years before. Suddenly her hand reached out for her neck where she felt the scar, the fact he was now in the hospital room, alive, gave the scar an even deeper meaning. He had received phone-calls and letters, typical for Angel not paying attention to them, she could imagine him shrugging his shoulders over them. What really bothered her were the five years, what happened to him then. Why was he set free, did he escape? The people injecting him - they certainly knew he was alive. Would they search for him? Would they know about his connection to Sunnydale? Thinking about this a very bad feeling entered her guts. They had to be very careful not only around him with his lack of memories but also about telling that he was alive. She made a mental note for the meeting at Giles to remember everyone to secrecy. Mom, it came to her mind. No, she would not tell her mother about Angel. Joyce was the most indiscrete person and she would ask questions Buffy had no answers to, plus she did not need her mother now to question her relationship with Angel. Relationship, did I really think that? Well, better call it friendship, Buffy. Then she remembered the kiss and sighed. He was back in her life only one day and filled her mind completely. I am a fool thinking I could ever be over him. She thought back to her boyfriends, Riley, nice and caring. David, also nice, but too normal, too human she laughed quietly. And the last Conner - a nice boy... oh god did I only date losers? What do I think about them, they were nice, that really should tell you everything about your relationship-success Summers. Having been with Angel again for a day told her the reason, none of them could ever stand against him, she never gave them a fair chance, she had given her heart away long before, given it to the love of her life. The love that was now coming back to her, not knowing anything about her deep feelings for him. I hope I am going to survive the next weeks was her last thought before she fell asleep on her couch.

Part 6

As the evening went on in Giles' house Buffy's mind slipped more and more to the fact that Angel would move into her apartment tomorrow.

When she had entered Giles' apartment he and Wesley had been almost excited about the fact they had found a list with drugs that could cause amnesia in a vampire, but they had not the slightest hint why Angel was human now. Angel moves in tomorrow, her mind kept saying. Now everyone was sitting in Giles' living room searching about vampire transformation - so far without any success. Angel moves in tomorrow. We will be living in one apartment, we will be living together. Bad thoughts, Buffy, very bad. He is injured, has amnesia and you are thinking about ..., concentrate on your book, Buffy, no bad thinking. She snapped out of her thoughts when Xander asked her "I still cannot get over the fact that DeadBoy isn't DeadBoy anymore."

Buffy glared at him, but did not answer. So Willow asked another question "How is he, Buffy? I mean as a human?"

Buffy smiled at her friend "Different. I mean he still looks like Angel, but he is different, he smiles and is obviously not brooding. But then he does not have all the bad memories."

"I cannot imagine Angel smiling all the time. That sounds weird." Willow could not help but grin. Oz squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek. Buffy looked at Willow:

"Where is Anne by the way?"

"She is with my mom. Anne loves it to stay with Grandma. She gets completely spoiled then."

"Yeah, as if you both would not spoil her." Cordelia closed her book and looked up: "Nothing in here."

"We do not spoil her, Cordy. She gets educated."

"Sure. That must be the reason her room is full of stuffed animals." Xander grinned. Willow shot back "Of which the half you have bought."

"I love buying toys and stuff. Brings back memories."

Giles looked up "Please, could we all concentrate. We were meeting to research things."

"Research, good, research-mode, okay." Xander took his book again while his right hand wandered to Anya's knee. His wife giggled. Buffy smiled at her. Anya had changed a lot over the years, she finally had found a way to find pleasure in human company and she had stopped regretting she wasn't a demon anymore. She and Xander had married two years ago and they were expecting their first child in five months. Buffy remembered the proud look on Xander's face when he had announced Anya's pregnancy a month before. Thinking back to the beginning of their relationship Buffy had never thought they would become that serious.

At 11 p.m. they still had no clue about Angel being human. Then Buffy remembered her mental note

"Oh guys, there is somehting. Cordelia told me some stuff this afternoon and for that I would beg you not to say anything about Angel to anyone."

Giles nodded

"Cordelia has informed us shortly before you came, Buffy and I agree. No information about Angel to anyone. Nobody needs to know he is here and alive."

Everyone nodded in agreement. Buffy had something more to say

"And there is another thing. Angel has agreed seeing you but as I said to Cordy before, please not all together. He needs time to digest. And about research, I would love to help but I fear I cannot come the next days." Cordy smiled at her "You should stay with Angel, of course and you cannot bring him here. So then we'll miss you though you are not of much use in research anyhow."

"Hey, I am much better with books now."

"Much better than what? Nothing?" Xander chuckled.

"Kids," Buffy said. "I am obviously not needed here. I am heading for patrol then. And if you want to visit Angel, please call."

With this she stood up and left through the front door.

******

Angel was waiting for her in his room the next day. When she came in he did not greet her but said "I had another dream."

Buffy looked at him concerned expecting bad things.

"Do I know someone called Spike?"

Buffy coughed slightly and said "Yes, you do. He is a friend, well not really a friend but you know each other for a while." For quite a while she thought and asked: "What was the dream about?"

"Spike and me and a ring."

The Gem of Amara, Buffy realised at once. Cordelia had told her what had happened in LA with the ring. She looked at Angel "And?"

"Nothing. That was it. But it is exciting that I remembered a person."

She smiled "Yes, that is good. Anything else?"

"Something very strange. I was a child and was wearing strange clothes, I also had long hair and there were horses, but no cars. The country I was living in did not look like America."

"Oh," was all Buffy could say, how should she explain him that he was dreaming about his childhood in Ireland more than 200 years ago.

He nodded "You see, it was strange. But it was a dream and as far as I know dreams do not have to be reality, right?"

She smiled again

"No. I had pretty strange dreams so far."

He smiled back, oh god, Buffy thought, that smile is going to kill me. Then she asked "Are you ready then?"

"Does that mean I ... we can leave?"

"Yes."

His smile grew even bigger:

"Good."

She looked around "Do you have any stuff, clothes, bags?"

"No, nothing. Only what I am wearing."

"I see. Shopping trip first."

"Pardon?"

"You need clothes."

"Oh. Do I like shopping? I only ask because I have the feeling it was not one of my favourite things."

Buffy laughed "I don't really know. But we will find out because you definitely need clothes."

"Cordelia," he shouted suddenly.

Buffy looked at him "What?"

"I remember Cordelia, she loves shopping."

Buffy laughed again "Oh yes, she does."

"Is she brunette and sometimes annoying?"

Buffy nodded "You remember Cordelia. You see, I told you your memories will come back, step by step."

He seemed very excited "Woah, I hope this will go on like that. It drives you crazy not knowing who you are. Can we go now?"

Buffy looked to the door "Come on then."

Part 7

Angel looked around in Buffy's apartment. It was not very big but nicely made and felt like a home. When he felt Buffy's eyes on him he asked "What?"

"You see, you are still alive." She laughed.

"Alright, but no more shopping for at least 20 years."

She laughed again:

"Come on, it was fun. It is easy to find clothes for you. Everything seems to look good on you."

He grinned "That's because I am such a handsome fellow."

"Come on, get over yourself," she looked for the bedroom: "I show you your room." She opened the door and let him in. He turned to face her "That is your room."

"Yeah, usually it is, but now it is yours and don't even begin to discuss with me. You are injured, you are not well, so I am sleeping on the couch. You once took the floor, but not now."

He looked quizzically "I slept on the floor? Here?"

"No, not here, but in my room at my mom's house."

He nodded. Then he looked at the bags he was still holding in his hands "Where can I unpack them?"

She showed him to a closet where she had cleaned two drawers for him. He went over and began to unpack his bags. She said "Are you hungry?"

"A bit."

"I am going to make a lunch for us. Oh, and Cordelia and Doyle will come in about an hour."

He turned "Cordelia? Oh the brunette, yes. Doyle?"

"Your former partner, now Cordelia's husband. They run the detective agency that used to be yours."

"You know I told you I was afraid to meet my former friends but now I am actually looking forward to it. It gives me a connection to myself."

"Good. I am going to make lunch - it should be ready in 10 minutes."

She turned and closed the door behind her. Did he really say I am a handsome fellow? Who was the person? Angel had never cared much for his appearance. No, stop it Buffy, he made a joke, a simple joke. He never said I am handsome. But god he was handsome although he had aged. Stop for a moment, she thought, Angel has aged... aged? How is this possible? A vampire... then it hit her ... maybe he didn't become human just two weeks ago, maybe he had been human for a longer time, even years. What could that mean? Damit Angel, why don't you remember, but then (would her mother say) that would take the fun out of guessing. But it was no fun, it made her feeling uncomfortable. There was still the danger that some people might know he was alive and they might come after him.

She took both plates she had filled with salad and plain bread and went to the living room. Angel looked up when she entered. She smiled "It is only a salad. I was never a great cook."

"It is fine with me. I am not that hungry."

When they started eating, Angel said "I had another flashback before."

Buffy looked up "Oh, what?"

"We were fighting."

Buffy could read the questions in his eyes and said "Go on."

"There was a sort of a giant snake with lots of heads. Does that sound very strange?"

Buffy nearly choked in her glass, oh boy, he remembered the monster in the library coming from the mouth of hell, how am I going to explain that. So she only said "A bit."

"Yeah, I bet. However, did we ever fight - together?"

"Yes, we did. You sometimes helped me."

"Helped you?"

"Yes."

"You are a psychiatrist and I helped you fighting? Do you think that sounds rational?"

"Not really. Angel could we please just have lunch and then I will try to explain a little job I have at night."

He nodded. No word was spoken during the rest of the lunch, but Buffy could see his uneasiness. He had remembered something and wanted an answer. Giles-talk, she thought, you give him the Giles-talk. So when she had brought the empty plates back to the kitchen she sat down in front of him and began

"In every generation..."

Angel listened to her with attention, she could see disbelief and confusion in his eyes when she told the whole story. When she finished he looked at her

"Wow," he simply stated. "So you are ... the ... slayer?! You go out at night and hunt demons and vampires... that sounds pretty weird."

The last second Buffy could prevent herself from a giggle. A more than 200 hundred years old ex-vampire was sitting in front of her and called her job weird. Now that was really weird. Then he had another question:

"And I helped you in fighting ... vampires?"

She nodded "You did. And you saved my life on more than one occasion."

"I did? But aren't vampires supposed to be very strong?"

"They are. But you were in very good shape." Why did he watch horror movies at all, she thought and when did he see them? Buffy had never seen a television in Angel's different apartments. Suddenly the door bell rang and Buffy jumped up to leave Cordelia and Doyle in.

Cordelia smiled when she saw Angel sitting in Buffy's living room. She went straight over to him and hugged him tightly. He was astonished but hugged her back

"Hello, ... Cordelia?"

She looked surprised "You know who I am?"

He nodded "Yes, I remembered you."

Cordelia looked at Buffy and she explained"When we went shopping he remembered you."

Cordelia laughed "Yes. Cordelia - shopping, a good connection."

Then she turned round "Do you remember Doyle then?"

"No," he looked in Doyle's direction: " Buffy told me you were my partner. I am really sorry, but I do not remember you."

Doyle shrugged "No problem. How do you feel?"

"I'll live."

"How does it feel to be with the little slayer again?"

"Doyle!" Cordelia shouted at him, but Buffy took her arm

"It is okay. I just told Angel that I am the slayer. He'd better know it for he would wonder where I go every night."

Angel looked at Cordelia and Doyle: "I did not believe her first, but somehow deep inside of me I know it is true."

Cordelia nodded "It is so good to see you. You cannot imagine how we all felt thinking you were dead." A single tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away "And especially Buffy, she was really bad."

Buffy looked to the ground as she saw Angel's gaze wandering towards her. No, don't show your feelings, if you do everything gets complicated. The same moment Angel closed his eyes and looked back at Doyle "Having heard weird things today I just ask, did you ever have ... a green face?"

Doyle burst out laughing "Yeah, I had. I am a half-demon."

Buffy saw Angel's eyes grew wide and Doyle added "A good half-demon, you know. One who does not hurt people. My father was a demon."

Angel only nodded and Buffy could see his mind trying to digest all the things he had heard today. He sat down as all the other did then as well. Cordelia touched Angel's arm slightly "Buffy told us you remember injections and a cellar. Was that a sort of prison?"

He shook his head "I don't know, but I remember lots of people going in and out. It was dark most of the time and quite cold. Maybe it was some sort of prison, but I cannot say. The stuff they injected in me was painful, but I do not know how often they gave it to me. I must have lost time in that ... that cellar."

Buffy nodded "That is only logical, Angel. Everyone would have lost his senses there."

Angel then looked at Cordelia "So I had a business with you guys?"

"Not really, it belonged to you and when you ... well, we sort of inherited it."

"That's okay. Does it ... I mean is it good?"

Cordelia smiled "Yes it is and guess, Kate is still helping us and we get along now. She is not that bad after all."

"Kate?" Angel did not understand.

"Oh, sorry. Kate - she is a police officer, she sometimes helped us and still does and sometimes we help her. She had a crush on you."

Angel grinned "A crush on me? Is she pretty?"

Cordelia shrugged "Don't know, I am not really interested in other females."

"She's not bad," Doyle added earning a dirty look from his wife:

"You better not say such things. Well however, Kate has a lover now. He is called Frank, a strange guy if you ask me, but then it is her life."

Angel looked at Buffy "Do I have to understand this?"

"No," she said: "but that is just Cordelia. However I think it is enough for today, you must be tired."

He shortly closed his eyes "I am, a little bit."

Doyle got up at once "Then we better go, was good to see you, so ... alive." He grinned and Angel did the same.

Cordelia gave Angel a quick kiss on his cheek and waving with one hand she and Doyle left.

Buffy went back to Angel "How do you feel now?"

"Alright. I like them - both. Cordelia is ... special."

Buffy laughed "Yes, she is. But she is a good friend. Cordy and me - we went to highschool together."

"I see. How did she end up in LA?"

"She wanted to become an actress, when this did not work she just stuck with your business and later on with Doyle."

He yawned and Buffy said "You should rest now. Your body is still weak."

He looked at her "Will you go ... fighting ... tonight?"

"Yes, I have to, why?"

"May I come with you?"

She raised and eyebrow "You want to come?"

"If I may. It's just... I don't know ... it feels right. As if I had done this with you quite regularly."

She smiled "We often went on patrol together. It was nice."

He looked at her with sudden understanding "That's why I remembered kissing you in a graveyard."

"Yes. I am sorry I ... kinda lied to you, but I did not know if you were ready to face this ... me."

"It is okay. I understand that, Doc." He added :"So, can I come with you on ... patrol ... tonight?"

"If you really want."

"Yes, I want." Buffy thought that vampire activity had been low during the last weeks and that it might help him with his memories, so she just said "Okay."

Part 8

Getting ready for patrol used to be something very familiar to Buffy but getting ready for it with Angel in human form was a different thing. Especially as he didn't know anything about his past which meant he did not know anything about a patrol. Her heart skipped a beat when she came into the living room and saw him there dressed all in black, it was like a deją vu. He turned and smiled at her and when he saw her eyes he said "I thought black would be the best for the night?"

She nodded "It is. It's just... well you used to dress in black a lot ... years ago."

"Did I? I still like it. Gives you the idea of being unvisible in the night."

"Yeah, you were good at that."

"What?"

"Being invisible."

When she saw his questioning eyes she quickly changed the subject "This is for you." She handed him a bottle of Holy Water, a cross and a stake and said "If you have to kill a vampire you use the stake. Stake him through the heart and he will be dust."

"I know. I saw horror movies, remember?"

"Oh... yeah. Then let's go."

They made their way through the dark streets of Sunnydale to the cemeteries in silence, but Buffy could feel Angel's eyes on her. She wondered what he was thinking about. When they entered the first graveyard he pointed at her neck and said "The cross. I gave you the cross."

She looked at him, surprised "Yes. You remember that?"

"Yes. It was in a dark alley. I said I was a friend."

"You did."

"It was dark. Why is it I only remember being with you in the dark?"

Oh god, Buffy thought, and now? What now? She coughed slightly and answered "Uuuh ... it's maybe a problem of memory ... you know ... the mind does strange things ... yes, strange things."

"So the memories of the days will come later?"

Buffy paled but tried to stay calm and professional "Hopefully." At least I did not really lie, she thought. He seemed content because he nodded. Both were lost in thoughts for a while. When they entered the third graveyard he said "Who are the Gorches?"

"The Gorches?"

"I just remembered the name. Does there ring a bell for you."

"It does. They were vampires, born in Texas. They came to Sunnydale and we were hunting them."

"We were hunting them together?"

"Yeah, but sometimes ... we were ... well, distracted ... it was not always hunting ... in the classical sense."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Well ... there was some ... kissing."

Buffy blushed and looked to the ground. She heard Angel chuckle behind her and turned to face him. A large grin was on his face

"Kissing?" He stepped closer to her and bowed his head down to her lips: "Like this?" A shock of electricity ran through her whole body when she felt his warm lips on hers - again she noted in her head. She felt her knees weaken and slung her arms around his neck when she felt his arms encircle her waist. He deepened the kiss and Buffy was lost in his scent and touch.

The romantic moment was destroyed when Buffy felt a sudden pain in her back and she and Angel were pushed to the ground. She recovered quickly and turned to look into the faces of two vampires. One of them grinned evilly:

"See, see, the slayer and her lover. Shouldn't you do such things in private."

Buffy looked at him "Why do you vamps always have such a bad timing." She jumped up and grabbed a stake from behind her back. The two vampires looked at each other. The second said "Aren't you a little bit outnumbered. One against two?"

"Do you really think that?"

Angel stood beside her, stake in his hand and looked at the vampire. Buffy saw the eyes of the first widen and then he whispered "Angelus?!"

Buffy saw that Angel lowered his stake and she also saw the confusion in his face, but there was no time for explanation. She jumped forward and staked one of the vamps. Before his ashes fell to the ground the second was dust as well. Then she turned to look at Angel. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw him. He was leaning backwards against a tree, his eyes closed, his whole body shivering.

Carefully she stepped towards him and whispered "Angel?" He opened his eyes and she saw tears in them and more confusion then ever. She reached out one hand to touch his arm but he shook it off:

"Don't," he only said. Buffy felt fear rising in her. She asked "What is the matter with you? Angel! Please talk to me!"

His voice was unsteady when he finally said "I was a vampire." She only looked at him "Yes, you were."

He turned to the tree and whispered "Oh, God."

She again tried to touch him and this time he allowed her to do so

"Angel, please tell me what you remember."

"Everything, I remember everything. But I do not understand it."

"What do you mean?"

"I was a vampire. Vampires are evil creatures that kill people."

"And?"

"Why did I never kill anyone?"

He turned again to face her. Buffy looked at him "What did you say?"

"Why did I never kill anyone?"

"But ... you ... tell me exactly what you remember?"

"I remember my time as a child and young man in Ireland with my family and remember meeting Darla. Then there is a gap. And then I see a gipsy who stands before me, looking at me his eyes full of hatred. But I do not understand anything, I have not done anything to him."

Buffy was speechless, she could only look at him. She had to know more so she said "Go on."

"I also remember meeting Whistler who told me how to communicate with people, how to run my life ... and ... I remember seeing you the first time in LA, following you to Sunnydale, fighting with you, loving you, making love to you. And then there is another gap. Then ... you stake me with a sword ..." His voice broke and he looked at her "Why?"

"You do not remember what happened before that?"

"No."

Buffy gasped and said "You lost your soul. You were evil." He looked at her disbelieving "I remember us talking about that. That we cannot be together because I would lose my soul, but I do not understand it. I always had a soul."

"You do not remember the things Angelus, your demon, did?"

"No. But I can see you crying up on a hill and telling me that you would know all the things I did to you but you would love me nevertheless. What do you mean when you say 'my demon'?"

"Angel, when you were turned you became a demon. You called yourself Angelus, the one with the angelic face, you were one of the most evil vampires and they called you the Scourge of Europe."

He looked at her, now angry "But I was never evil. I would remember that. I remember everything."

She reached out to touch his cheek "You are right. YOU were never evil, but your demon was."

He nodded "I told you this one night ... at the Bronze. But why do I not remember all these things?"

"I don't know. We go and ask Giles, now."

On their way to Giles' apartment she asked "Do you remember now what happened to you in the cellar?"

"Not really. Well I do remember being there. It was cold and I remember faces now and a name, it was Dr. Hardley. He said he was a scientist who was doing research on vampires. But I was unconscious most of the time, the drugs."

"When did you turn human and what happened?"

"We were fighting vampires, Doyle and I, someone hit me on the head and when I woke up again I was in a cell. They injected me with stuff - I really do not know what, I just remember that the next time I woke up my heart was beating. I do not know how long I was unconscious inbetween. They never showed me a clock or a calendar, it could have been years. The people who were around me wore masks, most of them. Only Dr. Hardley did not use a mask."

"Did they inject anything after that?"

He nodded "Yes, they did. And I lost time and space in this cellar or lab. I still cannot believe I was gone for five years."

They reached Giles door and Buffy entered with her key. Giles looked surprised when he saw Angel coming in with her. Wesley was still there and they were obviously in full research-mode. Angel smiled at both "Giles, Wesley."

Giles' eyes grew even wider and Buffy explained

"He remembers, Giles. He went with me on patrol, two vamps attacked us and then he remembered."

Giles smiled at Angel "Welcome back."

Wesley came round the table and took Angel's hand "It is so good to see you."

"The same here," Angel answered.

Buffy looked at Giles "But there is something. Giles, Angel does not remember his time as Angelus."

"Pardon?" Giles took his glasses of and rubbed them with his shirt.

"The time as Angelus, the demon, Giles, that part is lost."

Giles stepped back to his chair and showed the others to sit down

"Do you now know anything about the five years?"

Angel told him what he had said to Buffy right before. Giles put his glasses back on

"Well. That is interesting. I cannot really tell you what this means. I do not have experiences with vampire amnesia. But Wesley and I have found a list with herbs and chemical stuff that can cause amnesia in a vampire."

"But Giles," Buffy said : "that is not the point, is it? The question is why does he not remember his time as Angelus."

"Right, you are right Buffy. But I don't know."

"Uuum." Wesley who had been deep in thoughts tried to get their attention "I might have an idea. I mean he is human now, right. The demon is banned from his body. The times as Angelus are the demon's memories. Maybe they are lost now."

Angel who had been quiet spoke up now "It's not quite right. My memory is clearing up now more and more. I do remember the demon, I also remember his evil thoughts, but I cannot remember the deeds or let's say I do remember them partly but as I had watched them being bound and not able to prevent them, that's what makes me feel strange."

"That's what I mean."

Angel looked confused "You mean..."

"I mean that the deeds and the memories belonged to the demon. They were never yours. You just shared them when he was still inside you. Now the demon is gone and he took it with him. Do you feel... I don't know how to say that ... guilty?"

Angel shook his head "No. But I remember feeling guilty, having nightmares of ... killing. But they are not clear, like a friend had told me about it or seeing them in a movie. The feeling of guilt is gone, it is really strange."

His eyes wandered to Buffy's face. When he saw her smiling he asked "What is it?"

"I am just happy. As long as I know you you have always been feeling guilty, your eyes were so full of pain. Others could tell you hundreds of times that you had only been the victim but you would damn yourself for the deeds of the demon. And now all of a sudden you can see that yourself. Some power has made that decision for you."

"And you like that?"

She nodded happily.

Giles cleared his throat "But there is still the question of the cellar and why you became human?"

Angel looked at him "I cannot explain that. As I told you before I was unconscious most of the time."

Giles had a concerned expression on his face "We have to be very careful. We do not know what happened and we still do not know if anyone is searching for you. Do your remember why you escaped."

He nodded "There was a fire. The day before they had catched a demon. His friends set the cellar on fire and we were free."

"See. That's what I mean. I bet they are searching for you. And besides I want to know what people they are and what they were doing. Do you remember the Initiative?"

Angel looked again to Buffy and back to Giles

"Yes. Riley belonged to them."

Wesley and Giles coughed and Giles answered "Yes. They were capturing demons and vampires. They implanted chips in their heads so they could not fight anymore. Maybe this was a similar project."

Buffy asked "Angel do you remember if the captives were only demons and vampires?"

He thought for a moment and answered "No. There were humans too. I clearly remember a woman and her son, but maybe he was half-demon, I do not know. The woman however was pure human."

Giles stuttered: "P...p...pardon? They took humans as well."

"Yeah, they did. Giles, whatever they did, whatever their intentions might have been ... what they did to me ... to their captives ... was certainly not legal in any way."

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Giles: "We have to be more than careful and watch out for any persons that would look conspicious."

Angel shook his head "Giles, I am not staying somewhere hidden."

Buffy took his hand "You heard Giles, we have to be careful."

"Buffy..."

"No, don't Buffy me. We do not know these people, we do not know who is in charge and what they are up to."

Angel sighed "Alright. I will be careful, but I am not hiding 24/7."

Giles looked at him "Then at least stay with Buffy."

Angel grinned "I can promise that."

Giles moved uncomfortably when he saw Buffy blushing slightly

"Well, Buffy, Angel. Maybe we should go and sleep now. I will try to make some phone calls and Doyle may have some good sources in LA - so we see what we find out tomorrow."

Buffy nodded, took Angel's hand and pulled him out of the apartment.

*******

She looked at him while they were going to her place "I missed you, you know."

He rose one eyebrow "You did? I remember the last time we spoke you said you were happy and wanted me out of your life."

She sighed "You remember that now, do you. Well, I said a lot of things then. Silly things, I was hurt Angel. I was so in love with you and you left me."

"Buffy..."

"No, don't. It's my turn. You were turning your back on me and I tried so desperately to move on. I wanted to prove you I could do without you. The anger was my shield because I could not face the pain you caused when you left."

He stopped and turned to face her

"I never stopped loving you."

"I know. I know that now, I know how it hurt you to leave me. But I was so hurt, Angel, and I wanted to hurt you the same way. I was young and stupid and ... did you just say you never stopped loving me?"

"I did," he smiled.

Buffy stepped closer and reached out for his cheek:

"I love you," she said smiling back.

"I know."

"You know?"

He nodded

"I do. Deep inside of me I always knew you would love me. Buffy it was killing me to leave you, but..."

"I know. We both made horrible choices in our lifes."

He looked to the ground and whispered "Like Riley?"

"Like Riley. Well, he was nice, you know. He was nice and I think he really loved me, but it was not fair. He never had a fair chance."

Angel rose his head again "That is the past."

"It is."

"What about the future?"

"I don't know. But I know I love you. When I thought you were dead a part of me died with you. I did not have one date since then."

Buffy could see the surprise in his eyes and added "That part was dead inside of me."

He only nodded and stayed silent for a moment. Then he reached out with his hands to catch her in a strong embrace. Buffy felt his breath on her head.

Finally he whispered "We should try to make this work Buffy. I know it has been a long time, but I love you, I think it is worth it and I think we should really try. That's if ... if you would like to try. God, I love you so much."

She looked up "I would like to try. You know I've grown up. I am not the stupid, frightened girl anymore that runs away when life gets more difficult."

He looked serious for a moment "I know there are many things we have to talk about and many things we have to work out, but ... I truly belive it is worth it."

"I believe it too. But that can wait, don't you think?"

He smiled and Buffy asked "Why are you smiling?"

"Because I just asked myself why on earth we are still standing here?"

She laughed "Good question. Let's go."

Part 9

When Buffy woke up the next morning the first thing she noticed was the fact that she was not alone in her bed. A male arm was lying under her neck and another arm over her stomach. She smiled to herself and turned carefully not to wake Angel only to see he was already awake and smiling when she looked at him

"Good Morning," he said.

She smiled back "Good Morning."

"How do you feel?"

She rose her head and kissed him softly on the mouth "Mmmmm... I feel great."

He laughed. Buffy loved to see him laugh, it was new but wonderful. Somewhere in her mind a little voice said that she had seen him like that before, but then she thought about the dreams she had had some years ago. They must be the explanation, these vivid dreams with Angel as a human, she smiled again, some dreams really seemed to come true. Angel looked at her "Why are you smiling?"

"Nothing important. It's only... some years ago I was dreaming about you being human and kissing me in the sunlight. It seems some dreams do come true. That's all."

Angel suddenly became very serious and Buffy could feel the tension in his body, so she asked "Angel, what is it?"

"I never wanted to tell you, Buffy. But then... now that we are trying to ... I just feel I have to be honest with you."

She looked confused "What do you mean... honest?"

"Do you remember when you came to LA?"

"The first or the second time?"

"The first time. We better forget about the second one."

"So you are talking about Thanksgiving."

He nodded "Yeah."

"I left after five minutes."

"No ... yes. No. Oh god, this is..."

He sat up in the bed and looked deeply in her eyes "You remember the Mohra demon. We did not kill it the first time."

"The first time? What do you mean about the first time?"

He took a deep breath and Buffy could feel how hard it was for him to tell. So she laid one hand on his arm and said softly "Go on."

"The demon escaped and we followed him into the sewers. We lost it and so we split up. I finally found the demon, we fought and I killed it. Within the battle a bit of his blood mixed with mine and ... and ... I became human."

She gasped "Human? You were human?"

"Yes. I did not know what to think about that so I went to see the Oracles."

"The what?"

"They are working for the Powers that Be. They are ... something like ... well simple to say ... a bit like God. They know about fate or the future. However they told me I was human and that this was permanent. So I came back to the office to see you. We talked about it and said we would take it slow, be rational..."

"Then we touched and it was like electricity went through our bodies and we made love the whole day." Buffy finished.

"You remember?"

She nodded with tears in her eyes:

"My dreams. Oh god, Angel. You gave up humanity ... for me."

Tears were also in his eyes when he answered "I would do anything for you."

"Angel, you did that for me. And then I come to LA and treat you like..."

"Shhh, it's okay Buffy, it's okay. You did not know, you were never meant to know."

Buffy now cried "Oh Angel, you knew all the time. I cannot even imagine how hard this must have been for you and then seeing me with other men."

"I only saw you with Riley."

"I know, but ... you know what I mean."

"Buffy, we should not think about the past. Not this way. I know we have to talk about it, but it is a long time ago and we should not allow it to disturb our future."

She nodded and wiped her eyes "You are right. It is only, you sacrificed everything for me. How should I ever repay that?"

"There is nothing to repay. I did it because I loved you, because you are the most important person in the world for me. You did not ask for the sacrifice and to be frank I am astonished that you are not angry with me."

"Angry with you?"

"Yes, because I decided this on my own without asking you. I did what I thought was the best, but you were not to decide."

"Angel, I might have been angry some years ago. But now - I am not a teenager anymore. If I would have been in your position I think I would have done the same."

He smiled "I know. And looking back you had to sacrifice more that I ever have."

"What do you mean?"

"Sending me to hell, Buffy. I know how much you loved me and I cannot even begin to imagine what it meant for you to send the person you loved to hell."

"It almost killed me, Angel. I ran away, away from all the pain. I was so desperate. Only thinking about you being tortured in hell... When we thought you died me and Willow talked a lot about old times and I found out that Xander lied to me. He was meant to tell me about the spell Willow was doing to restore your soul. Instead he told me to kick your ass."

"He was jealous."

"I know, but this is almost unforgivable. I mean, he was my friend or I thought he was ... and when I needed him most he betrayed me. After Willow told me about this I could not speak to him for nearly a year. I could only think that he had stolen so much time from us, that he had caused so much pain and he didn't even care."

Angel stroke her hair with his right hand "I am sorry."

"It's okay, Angel. I have talked with Xander about this - later. He was really sorry for it. He has grown up a lot and his love for Anya has also changed his opinion about you."

"It has?" Angel could not really believe Xander would ever change.

"Anya was a demon for over 1000 years. Okay that is different to your case as the demon was still in you, but he learned to see the difference between the person and the demon."

"So he was better than me. I needed this to see the difference." Angel whispered.Buffy looked at him and kissed him:

"I am glad. I know I said it yesterday, but I am. You were always so full of guilt and pain. To see that this has changed is the best present I've ever got."

He laughed "The same here. I feel so different, you cannot imagine."

"No I cannot, but I can guess. You are different."

The same moment the door bell rang. Buffy looked to the clock, it was 9.30 a.m. on a Saturday. Who would ring at that time? She gave Angel a kiss on the cheek and headed for the door only to see Cordelia and Doyle standing there

"Cordy, Doyle... what an unexpected surprise. Come in."

Cordelia looked at her "Sorry to disturb you this early. We did not wake you up?"

"No, we ... I was just lazy, lying in bed. What is it?"

They went into the living room and Doyle could not help but grin.

"What?" Buffy did not understand.

His grin grew even bigger "Oh, nothing. I was just thinking how smart I am."

"Pardon?" Buffy was still confused.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Cordelia hated it when she could not follow him.

"Delia, my love, look around. Do you see a bed here?"

"What? Doyle, could you please tell me what you are talking about."

"Only the fact, that Buffy is still in her nightgown."

He looked in Buffy's direction and asked "Where is Angel by the way?"

He chuckled when he saw her blush "Angel is still in bed."

Cordelia shot her husband a look and said then to Buffy "Giles phoned us in the morning to inform us that Angel has regained his memory."

"He has. Yesterday night - on patrol."

"Giles also told us, that he still does not know very much about the time he was captured. And Doyle, could you please stop grinning like an idiot. What is the matter with you?"

Doyle came over and kissed his wife on the cheek "Do you remember that I told you Buffy would not need the couch for long. As I see it, she did not need it at all."

Cordelia looked at him and then at Buffy. Her face had turned bright red.

Cordelia made a disgusted noise "I do not want to hear about that. Buffy, you already ... I thought he was still weak."

Buffy coughed slightly "Uuum ... well it seems he has still an advanced healing."

"Morning Cordelia, hey Doyle."

All turned round to face Angel who had entered the living room only wearing pants and a white T-Shirt.

Doyle grinned again when he saw the relaxed expression on his face and Cordelia shot him a nasty look "Don't tell me, Angel. Bad mental pictures don't help, they cost me years of my life. However can we come back to the subject here."

Buffy looked around "Does anybody want coffee?"

When all nodded she went out and returned only five minutes later with four cups on a tray. When all had sat down, Doyle said to Angel "Giles told us, that your remember a doctor in the lab."

"Yeah, his name was Dr. Hardley. He was about 50 years old, tall, skinny. Have you ever come across him?"

"No. But I will go to LA today and see what I can find out. When there were different demons in the lab maybe some of them are still in LA. Maybe they can tell me more."

Angel nodded "This is a good idea. Can you handle that on your own or should I come with you?"

Buffy looked concerned but before she could say a word Doyle answered

"Angel, I know you want to help. But they are certainly looking for you, the last place where you should be now is LA. Let me go. I know how to find out details I have to know. And by the way you haven't been on the scene for a while, you might have difficulties in finding people who would talk to you."

"But be careful. Doyle you are a half-demon. If they are still around LA you would be a target as well."

He saw Cordelia pale and took her hand

"Sorry, Cordy. I did not mean to frighten you."

"It's okay, Angel. Better to be careful. Doyle here sometimes thinks he is super-hero." She smiled lovingly at her husband who took her other hand and squeezed it tightly "I will be careful, Delia." Then he looked back at Angel "Does that mean now that you both are back together?"

Angel took Buffy's hand and kissed it "It does."

She smiled at him and turned then to face her visitors "We decided that it is worth a try."

"Definitely," Cordelia was happy for them.

Drinking the last drop of his coffee Doyle stood up "I am better going now. If I am lucky I can be back tonight."

He leaned down to kiss his wife good-bye and left the apartment.

Cordelia asked "What are you both doing today?"

"We will go and see Giles later on. We still do not know why Angel is human."

"So I will see you there. I better go now too so you can get dressed." She looked at Buffy and Angel "Or whatever you do now. No, don't tell me. I SO do not want to know. See you later."

When she shut the door behind her Angel and Buffy burst out laughing. Buffy asked "Are you hungry?"

"I am, but I prefer a shower first. Care to join me?"

She grinned "Yeah, saves water."

Entwining their hands they headed for the bathroom.

Part 10

After a long shower and lots of wrinkly skin Buffy and Angel dressed and left to head for Giles' apartment. As the day was sunny and bright they decided to walk. Hands entwined and kissing every other minute the distance took much more time than expected. When they turned round the last corner they were so sunk in each other they did not realise someone was in front of them until they banged right into each other.

"Oh I am so sorry." Angel exclaimed.

"No, I am so... Buffy ... uuuhm... Angel?"

Buffy rose her head and looked straight into the very confused eyes of her mother.

"Mom!"

Joyce looked from Buffy to Angel and back. Her mind was not able to digest what she saw in front of her. Her daughter, that was nothing unfamiliar, but Angel, who was supposed to be dead and Angel again, in bright sunlight. Her voice was high when she asked "Buffy, care to explain?"

"Uuuum... mom, I ... well, as you see Angel is back."

Joyce nodded and a faint smile appeared on her face

"I can see that. And he is obviously no vampire anymore. But wasn't he supposed to be dead."

Buffy sighed "Mom. Please not now. This is a complicated story of which we still do not understand half of. But yes, Angel is human and as you can see - he is not dead. And let me add, I am not your little daughter anymore so basically it is none of your business."

"Buffy..."

Angel tried to calm the hotted atmosphere but was silenced when Buffy shot him a do-not-interfere-look. Buffy could see the anger rise in her mother:

"Buffy! Do not talk to me like that." Then she turned round to face Angel: "It is your fault. She only talks to me like that when you are around."

"Mom! How dare you accusing him. We had fights as long as I can think back. Why on earth do you always have to look for someone to blame instead of just looking in the mirror!"

Joyce glanced at Angel and then realised the entwined hands of the couple

"When did you plan to tell me that you are OBVIOUSLY back together?"

"I don't know mom. Can you please stop this now. I SO do not want to have this sort of discussion."

"Did you plan to tell me at all?"

Now Buffy had had it "Mom," she shouted: "Shut up. Just shut up. I cannot hear that anymore. What has he done you hate him so much? What? Did you watch me the last years? Did you? If you did, did you see how unhappy I was? Did you ever think what was the reason?"

Buffy felt Angel's hand squeezing hers and calmed down a bit. Her voice more steady she continued: "I will never understand what's going on in your head. Do you ever see anyone but yourself?"

She turned to face Angel "Let's go. I cannot do this anymore."

With this both went on leaving a confused Joyce. When she turned to look at them she could see that her daughter was standing in front of Giles' house obviously crying but being comforted by the strong embrace of Angel, who had placed his head above hers. The first time since Joyce had set eyes on Angel she had the feeling she could have been wrong in her judgement.

*****

Slowly Buffy stopped crying. Angel stroke her hair and whispered words of comfort in her ear. Buffy although being upset felt so safe and protected in his arms she could not believe she had been able to be without him for such a long time.

Finally she looked up and saw his dark eyes filled with love and concern. He gave her a smile "Better now?" He asked.

"A bit. You help me feeling better. Don't ever go and I'll be fine."

"I have no intention to leave."

He reached out and wiped her tears away, then bowed his head to kiss her. Buffy sighed "I am so sorry for her."

"Don't. It is not your fault. I am sorry that I am the reason you are fighting with her. I know it hurts you."

"It does. But you are not the reason. We fight all the time. When Riley and I broke up she shouted on me because I did nothing to save the relationship. My last boyfriend, Conner, was her darling. He proposed and when I said no, she did not talk to me for more than four weeks. After that she was complaining at least for a year that I let him go. She kept saying 'he was so nice, I could have been a grandmother by now, he was rich'. That really sucked. I mean Conner was a nice person, but boring after a while."

When she heard Angel chuckle she looked up "What is so funny?"

"Nothing, I am sorry. It's only that I left you to give you a chance for a normal life and all your normal relationships seemed to have been a sort of failure."

"Yeah. After your presumed death I knew why. None of them could compare to you. They never had a chance. You had me spoiled for all other men."

"Standing here today with you I am glad, but it must have been hard on you. You know I am not really feeling guilty anymore for the deeds of my demon, but I feel guilty for causing so much pain in you and the worst of all is that I did it out of good intentions."

Buffy reached out her hand to touch his cheek "I love you." She simply said and kissed him. The kiss deepened the same second.

Buffy felt like flying and was brought back to earth by someone who was loudly clearing her throat beside them. Looking up she saw Oz and Willow smiling on them. Blushing she smiled back "Hi."

Angel turned and said "Willow, Oz - so good to see you!"

When Buffy saw the confused expression on the faces of her friends she explained "He got his memory back. Yesterday. And before you ask, yes, we are back together."

"Oh. Wow. That is good. That is very good. It is good, isn't it. Oz, that is good. Wow."

Willow had a large grin on her face and she looked happily from Angel to Buffy and then to Oz. He only added "Cool. Congrats."

Willow stepped forward and hugged Buffy and then Angel

"I am so happy for you. Now that you are human, Angel, you can really be together. And your mom can also be happy for you both."

When she saw Buffy's face drop she asked "Sorry, did I say something wrong? You can't be together?"

Buffy did not ask so Angel said "No, Willow. It is only mentioning Buffy's mother that is a bit ... we met her just before and they had sort of a fight."

Willow reached out and took Buffy's hand "I am sorry. I am sorry."

"Will it's okay. Just drop it. I have cried enough by now. However, why are you here?"

"Giles called us - research. And as it is Saturday we are both free and Anne is with my mom again. They are going to the zoo, which means lots of icecream besides animals. Anne just loves the zoo."

Willow grinned and Oz let out a chuckle. The same moment Giles opened his front door

"Are you staying there the whole day or would you like to come in?" The four of them stepped inside and greeted Cordelia who was already sitting and reading an old book. Wesley was also present, he had stayed with Giles and seeing both of their eyes they had obviously had a long night of research.

Giles looked at Buffy "Your mom was here."

"Yeah we sorta ran into her."

"Oh dear." Giles looked concerned so Buffy asked "What is it?"

"You better sit down and I'll explain."

Cordelia looked up from her book and said "Seems, your mom got a little phone call this morning."

Buffy was confused "A phone call, Giles, what is she talking about?"

Giles took his glasses off and rubbed them with his shirt, the put them on again and facing Buffy and Angel "It seems that Riley Finn called her this morning."

"Riley?"

"Yes. He wanted to know if she had seen you during the last days and if she had detected any strange behaviour in you. She told him she had not seen you, so he asked her to check on you and promised to call back later."

Buffy did not understand anything "Why on earth would Riley want to know about me?"

"Your mother did not understand either, so she came to see me. She wanted to know if there was anything wrong with you. I said no. I did not tell her about Angel, as I wanted you to be the one to give her the news. But now she seems to know."

Buffy nodded "We bumped into each other at the corner. She was not happy about Angel and that I had not told her ... we had a fight."

"Oh dear."

"Giles, I do not like you saying this. It never means anything good. What do you want to say?"

He looked at Angel and then back to Buffy "Don't you think it is more than a coincidence that Riley Finn asks about you right now?"

"What do you mean?"

Now Angel took Buffy's hand and said "What he means is that Riley once was involved in an anti-demon programme. Why shouldn't he be in one again."

Buffy looked at him, her mind was racing and then it hit her "Riley! Oh god. You mean... you mean ... he could have something to do with... oh Angel." She slung her arms around his neck and hold him tight, sobbing on his shoulder.

Suddenly she rose her head again "Did you say Riley told my mother to call her back?" Giles nodded. Buffy stood up "Then we have to make sure she will not tell him about Angel."

Giles nodded again "I will go and call her."

With this he turned and left the room to make this urgent phone call. Buffy sat down again leaning her head against Angel's shoulder. Willow shook her head "I don't want to believe that Riley might have known you were alive all these years and did not tell Buffy. He knew how much you meant to her."

Angel gave her a half smile "Willow we do not know anything. It is just a suspicion."

"No, it is not." Buffy rose her head again

"There has to be a connection. Angel, I have not heard from Riley for over five years. There is no reason he should call. We did not part in best terms. He was trained to be a demon hunter, that was all he knew. It is only logical he would be one again."

The same moment Giles returned to the gang and Buffy swallowed when she saw his face. She tried to let her voice sound steady "What did she say."

"I am sorry, Buffy. It seems Riley phoned the minute she came back home. She was so upset that she told him right away."

Buffy's voice was only a whisper "About A... Angel?"

Giles nodded

"It seems so. So we can resume Riley knows about Angel's whereabouts."

Willow asked with a tiny voice "Does he know he is human now?"

"I think, because Joyce told him she met Buffy and Angel on the street. But if he is involved in all this he might have known about Angel's humanity from the beginning. Buffy, your mother is really sorry. She did not know..."

"I don't want to hear about her being sorry. I am not interested in her being sorry, Giles. My mother did not know because she did not want to know. All I know is that she endangeres the life of the man I love and all this because she is so ignorant and self-centered. How could she..."

She broke down crying heavily. Angel took her in his arms and hold her as tight as possible. Her whole body was shaking uncontrollably. When Angel looked up he saw all the concerned faces of Giles, Wesley, Cordelia, Oz and Willow and he had to confess to himself that he did not like the situation at all.

Go to Part Eleven