Disclaimer: duuuuh ... what a joke! If I owned them Angel would be human and living a happy life with Buffy somewhere in the sun.
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Land of Denial, Sunlight & Shadow, Angelscharmedslayer everybody who has any of my stories, others just let me know where it goes ... I like to visit sometimes
Spoilers: The whole B/A-thing to be sure
Summary: it's the day before Buffy's wedding and it's not Angel she's chosen, written in Buffy's POV (oh God I hear you say, another of these POV-stories, but for this one it has to be!)
Timeline: 10 years after IWRY
Feedback: pretty please!!!!
Dedication: to Sara-Lee because I almost didn't give her credits for a very good idea she had for another story!!!! Thanks!
WARNING: if you're a fan of either Willow, Giles or Xander (although he isn't really that bad), this is not your story! Because they're the bad guys in this piece. (Note: I usually like them - well sorta - but that idea wouldn't let go and I had to write it down.) So you're warned and can forget sending flames ... I wouldn't read them anyway.
WARNING 2: this is angst-heavy - well it is B/A - but it all will end happily, because ... sigh ... you know me!

I still can't believe I'm standing here in my living-room the day before my wedding and look at him in the sunlight. He was the last person I expected to be standing in front of my door when I opened it only an hour ago.

First I was in shock. Angel and sunlight just didn't mix. The moment he said my name I realised it was really true. He was standing there and by taking a closer look I saw the pulse at his neck.

That was the moment I fainted.

I woke up only five minutes later on my sofa with Angel's concerned gaze looking down on me. God, I wanted to drown in his eyes. It's his eyes I never forgot all those years. We haven't seen each other for years and I forgot about his touch, about the cool texture of his skin, about the spiky look of his hair, I even forgot his voice, but never, not one second I forgot his eyes.

"Angel," was the first word I said. I know it sounds pretty stupid saying something so obvious. I mean, we both know his name, but it was the only word that came into my mind. And of course he said something equally stupid.

"Buffy."

God, I want to die. Nobody says my name the way he does. It's not really saying my name, it's more like a spoken caress. As if he wants to show me all his love and devotion with this one word. And it's also always a bit hesitant, as if he isn't sure how I would react on seeing him.

Years ago my heart began to race in my chest when I heard his voice like that. Years ago my face would've lit up in seeing him. But today I was only angry.

"What do you want?" I ask rubbing my forehead while I'm sitting up.

"Careful," he says and reaches for me, but I hold up my hand.

"No, don't touch me," I look at him and stand. He does the same. "I repeat my question. What do you want?"

He takes a deep breath and I can see the wariness in his eyes, the struggle in him as he fights to find the right words.

"If you want to tell me you're human," I say coolly, "I've already realised that. That's the reason I fainted. It was quite a shock. It's certainly nothing I ever expected to happen. Although I have to admit I dreamed about it." After a pause I add, "years ago."

He looks at me and my words don't seem to surprise him. As if he's expected me to say exactly that. I sigh inwardly, because I forgot how well he could read me. It was hard to surprise Angel.

"Still," I continue, "it doesn't explain why you're here. Didn't Cordy tell you that I'm going to be married tomorrow?"

"Yes," he replies quickly. "She did. That's one of the reasons I came today. I wanted to wait for another week to be certain about," he gestures at himself, "about this. Me being human that is."

"I see. Well, actually I don't. Because I don't understand what's so important about it." God, I want to cry, you hurt me. You left me and now you act as if nothing has happened. Go to hell!

"I ...," he hesitates and takes a deep breath, "I'm not so sure myself why I came. After all - as you said - you're going to marry tomorrow. You l-love your fiancée. Probably very much," he looks at me with an expression of hope.

"That's right," I say and can see him flinch. Good, I hurt you, I think. And see, I don't even care. I'm so over you Angel and I'm going to show you. I don't need you anymore. You can't hurt me anymore. And the same second I know what a damned liar I am.

"I see," his voice is hoarse and he swallows hard. "Well, maybe I ... I better go then."

"Maybe." God, I've really learned my lesson. I never thought I could act so cool.

"Alright then ...," his hand is at the handle of the door and he is about to open it. I release a breath when he suddenly turns around, "Buffy, I.."

I raise a brow, "Yes?"

He shakes his head and steps closer again, "No," his voice is firmer now. "Of course I knew why I came. I was stupid enough to walk away from you once, but not again." He takes another step towards me and I back away. He stops too. "I love you Buffy. I love you, I never stopped."

I can only stare at him. "And I love Brian," I reply, amazed that my voice is so steady.

When I see all colour draining from his face I want to feel something like triumph but all I feel is pain. God, Angel, I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt you I want to shout, but can't do that either. So I'm just looking at him.

"I'm sorry," I hear him whisper and I can see he's fighting with tears. He runs a trembling hand through his hair. "I ... I really shouldn't have come." He shakes his head unhappily. "I didn't know what I expected. Maybe nothing. Maybe ... maybe everything," he shakes his head again and an unhappy laugh escapes his throat. Then he moves to the door again but turns towards me a last time. "You know when I learned about the fact I would become human one day I had the funny idea you would be there waiting for me. Seems I was wrong again."

I can feel my anger rising, "Years? You knew this for years? Well, maybe if you'd taken the time to inform me about it I would've had a chance, but you told me to move on to find someone who could take me into the sunlight. And I did. So don't you dare accusing me for it." I take a deep breath, I don't want to shout, I don't want to show that his presence still throws me. I don't want to analyse all those things I begin to feel again right now. No, stop, I don't want to. Go away!

I almost miss the expression in his eyes. It's something I've never seen there before, something like betrayal. I don't understand it and I don't want to. Angel isn't important for me anymore. It's over and I love Brian. I'm safe with Brian. My heart is safe. He won't break it. He loves me.

"It isn't really important anymore," he says finally and his voice sounds incredibly tired. A ghost smile crosses his features, "Be happy, Buffy. It's all I ever wanted." Again this unhappy laugh and I my gut twists painfully. It makes me physically sick seeing him hurting like that. "Well, probably not true. There's a lot more I wished for, but," he shrugs, "we don't always get our dreams come true."

"No, we don't," I agree. I love you, I want to cry, stay, take me in your arms, but I say nothing. I want to reach out and touch his face, want to take him in my arms to make this expression go away, but I do nothing. I can't. My heart is broken. Maybe it will never heal. My trust is destroyed. Not that he ever trusted me. I wasn't even important enough to tell me he would be human one day. Why on earth am I whining for him. That stupid bastard. God, I wish he'd never come back from hell. No, no, no, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

I look up and he's gone. Again he didn't say goodbye. He's not good at that. Probably he just doesn't want to say it because it's final. And for the first time I see that he probably never wanted to go away from me. He only did it because he didn't have a choice.

Well, that's fate. Isn't it? But something else is suddenly clear in my mind. I take a deep breath, take my keys and leave the house.

*****

It's morning already. The morning after the day Angel came back into my life. The morning after he just expected me to fall into his arms. Didn't he? The morning of my wedding to Brian. The wedding that will never happen because I called it off. We, Brian and I had a long night, talking, crying, holding each other and finally reaching an understanding. We parted as friends, at least I hope we did. I can't be sure because he's hurting right now and I am too. Because I loved him, but not enough. The moment Angel stood in my doorway I knew it. And I hated and resented him for it. Because one look at him shows me I will never be free of him. Never free for the life he once wanted for me or said he did.

That doesn't mean I'll go back to him. I just decided that marrying Brian wasn't right either. I might still love Angel, but I can never trust him again. I sigh inwardly, I will probably end up alone, but it's better than to pretend a happy marriage.

I let myself into the house I share with Willow. She's probably bouncing up the walls right now because she can't find me. Ever since I told her about the wedding the word excited doesn't even begin to describe her behaviour.

So I'm really surprised not to find her. "Willow?," I ask into the silence and realise it's only seven in the morning. The wedding was scheduled for two in the afternoon, so she's probably asleep. I tiptoe to her bedroom and knock. When I hear nothing I enter, no need for her to get up when there's nothing going to happen. I just want to tell her she can stay in bed and sleep.

But she isn't there. I shake my head and smile when I see some papers that have fallen down. Sighing I bent down to pick them up and lay them back on the desk when my eyes fall on a letter that is between others. It is as if someone has punched me right on my solarplexus. Breathe, I order and try to fill my lungs with air, breathe Buffy.

It's a letter from Angel. A letter he wrote years ago. A letter he worte to me. A letter I've never seen before. I shake my head to clear my mind. This has to be some stupid nightmare. I will wake up any minute and nothing of that has happened. But of course I know it's real. Of course I know the letter is right in front of my eyes.

My legs are weak and I sit down on the edge of Willow's bed and start reading. I feel my eyes water after the first two line but I don't care. My mind is blank and yet racing. My whole world comes tumbling down in this moment. It was like when I found my mother the day she died. If the hellmouth would open right now I wouldn't care. On the contrary I would welcome if it swollowed me. Then this pain would stop.

"Buffy?" I hear my friend's voice. My friend, that words echoes in my head. I know her almost half my life, she was my best friend and now I realise I never knew her.

"Buffy," she smiles at me when she enters her room. "You know that bride and groom should spend the last night ...," her words die on her lips when she sees my face and the letter in my hands. "What is the matter? Did something happen?" She asks concerned and I want to kill her. God, I never felt so much anger and hatred in my whole life. "Brian? Is Brian alright?"

I look up and wonder if she can see all those emotions in my eyes. "Brian is fine." My voice is so cool, I can't believe what a good actress I have become. But then it's not really a surprise.

"What are you reading?" she asks.

Trying to suppress my anger, not willing to show how much she hurt me, I get up and stare into her eyes. I know these eyes like I know mine. These lying eyes of my so called friend. "Why?"

She's confused. Oh, the lying bitch is confused. "Buffy?"

So I just start to read, "My dearest Buffy," I look up and see understanding dawn in her eyes. "Sounds familiar?" I ask and see a hand fly to her mouth, while tears well up in her eyes. I continue reading and my voice raises with each word. "I'm not really sure if I have a right to write to you at all. But there's something occurred in my life, something so fundamental I feel you have a right to know. As surprising as it seems there's a prophecy mentioning the vampire with a soul. Wesley translated it for me. And Buffy, I don't know if it's fair to even tell you because I don't want you to get false hopes. I told you to move on, built a life for you and I still do, but, well ... this prophecy says I'm going to be human. There's no way we can know when or if this is correct at all, but it's the first time in my life I have hope. Real hope that this miserable existence will end some day. And somehow I felt you should know. Please, Buffy, I don't expect you to wait for me. Oh well, I'm a liar, of course I do, but I know I have no right to. This is probably not fair, telling you about something that might not happen during your lifetime, but still I think you should know. Because I respect you too much, to keep it from you. Love. Always. Angel."

I take a deep breath when I finished reading the letter aloud. and stare at her. "Any comments?" I ask.

"Buffy..."

I interrupt her angrily, "How could you dare? The letter is dated nine years ago, Willow. He wrote it to me nine years ago. How could you keep it from me? You had no right," I cannot stop the sob that escapes my throat. "God, he probably thought I didn't care at all. How could you?," I shout.

"But you read it," she argues. "Nobody knows if this might come true at all. I just didn't want to see you hurting."

"It wasn't your decision to make," I reply and walk out of her room and into the kitchen, knowing that she'll follow me.

"You were with Riley then. You were happy. He had no right..."

"Happy?" I spite the word into her face interrupting her again. "And who are you to decide what right Angel had and what not. Who are you to control my emotions. Who are you at all, I wonder?"

"I'm your friend," she replies without hesitation.

"No," I shake my head. "I thought you were my friend, I thought I knew you only to realise I don't know you at all." I throw the letter into her direction and it falls down to the floor. "He wrote it to me to show me that he still cared. That I was still important to him and you took it away from me. It wasn't enough for you to push me towards Riley, was it. You needed to keep him away from me too. You decided what would make me happy. How dare you?"

"But you are happy, Buffy. You love Brian, you told me so yourself," she says while her tears run down her face. I can see she's hurt and confused but I don't care.

"Because you left me no choice. Oh, you were good at it. I have to give you credit for that. In the end I really believed to marry Brian was what I wanted. But newsflash, the wedding won't be. I called it off. Brian and I talked and we agreed to be just friends."

"W-what?" Willow stutters incredulously.

"Yes," I say and feel good. This decision was mine. "Angel came yesterday. And you know what. I threw him out of the house. Not literally of course, but I hurt him. He came to tell me he loved me and I ...," I cannot speak anymore. The image of Angel's face, his eyes full of pain, is in my mind and again I want to slap Willow's face. She should've been there and seen what she did to him. To us.

I take another deep breath, "Why did you do it, Willow?"

"Giles and I thought..." she starts and I interrupt her.

"Giles? He knows about that?" I point at the letter on the floor. "He knows too?"

I shake my head, "Who else knows, Willow? Xander? Anya? Riley?"

She looks down and then back at me, "Xander knows," she finally admits. "But we really thought it was for your best. Riley said it too. We all felt you couldn't deal with it at that time."

"Yeah, sure. God, Willow, I really thought you were supportive to me and Angel. I can probably understand why Xander didn't tell me or Giles, although it doesn't make it right, but YOU! You really fooled me. You lying bitch," there, I said it and it feels good. Oh, it feels so good.

"Buffy!" her eyes are widened in shock. Of course, I never talked to her like that.

"Oh, stop it, Wills. I'm not impressed anymore by those wide eyes and that innocent look of yours. I don't care anymore. And I can also see it's partly my fault. I mean, I was just blind. If you would've really been my friend you would've tried to help Angel and I. You would've tried to find a way to remove the clause in his course but instead my friend learned to make roses fly through a room. God, I was really stupid. I didn't earn anything else."

"Buffy, please," she reaches out with her hand to touch me, but I back away. No way I'm going to let her touch me.

"Buffy?" we hear a voice from downstairs and I can feel all the hairs at the back of my neck stand up. "Ah there you are," Giles enters the kitchen and looks at us. He hesitates seeing the expression on our faces. He has a key to our apartment, because he and Willow are seeing each other. It was hard for me to accept that my former best friend saw my former "father", but I got through it. I didn't try to interfere with their lives. "What happened?" he asks.

Slowly I turn around and see him flinch at the look in my eyes. "You just came at the right moment," I say, my voice low. I bent down, pick the letter up and hold it out for him. "Willow just told me you knew about this too."

He takes the letter from me and after recognising it he nods. "Yes, I do."

"God, you don't even pretend to be ashamed," I shake my head and leave the kitchen because it feels overcrowded all of a sudden. Walking into the living room I can hear them whisper and then follow me.

"Buffy you have to understand," Giles begins, but stops when he sees I hold up my hand.

"I will never, do you hear me, never understand." I whirl around, "I know you hated him. I know you never forgave him for what he did to Jenny although it wasn't really him. But I now also understand that you're jealous of him. Because there were times I trusted him more than you. But I would've never guessed you would do something like that." I point at the letter again. "I can almost see him writing it. The uncertainty, the doubts, the hesitation at each word. But he wrote it nevertheless. Can you imagine how he must have felt when I never wrote back or called. He must have thought I didn't care at all. How could you?"

"But Buffy, whatever we did. You have to see the whole picture," he argues. "Whatever happened, it brought you here, to a wonderful relationship with Brian, a man you are going to marry," he looks at his watch, "in about six hours."

"No," I shake my head. "The wedding is off. I won't marry him, because I will never love him the way he should be loved."

Giles stares at me. "B-but..."

"Yeah, but," I laugh sarcastically. "Is it a surprise for you? And I thought you'd know me and love me like a daughter. What a joke!"

"But I do love you," he protests while Willow is following our conversation with an unhappy expression. "If you were my real daughter I couldn't love you any more."

"Then it's maybe good I'm not, because this way I can just walk away and stop caring. If I was your real daughter I would try to get a blood transfusion to get your scent off me." I see him flinch and I know it was cruel what I said, but I'm beyond caring.

The door bell rings and Willow goes to open it. I almost laugh when I hear Xander's voice, "Hi Will. I went to Brian," he says. Sure he did, he was meant to be his best man. "And he tells me the wedding is off. What's going on here?" he asks when he enters the living-room and looks at me. But I'm surprised to see the person who's with him.

"Hi Xander. My friends all together." I never thought my voice can sound sarcastic like that. "We have a little chat about a certain letter I never got. Willow tells me you were in this game too." Then I turn my head towards the second person who came, "Hi Cordy." She nods in reply, but doesn't say anything. She doesn't understand what's going on.

"Letter?" Xander asks with a confused expression in his eyes and Giles hands the paper over to him. Instantly he knows what I'm talking about, but what he says is the most surprising thing I ever heard, "I'm sorry."

"What?" I stare at him.

"For years I was inwardly discussing if we did the right thing keeping this from you. I never felt comfortable about it. I know it's no excuse and the fact you were finally happy with Brian made me believe it wasn't completely wrong. Still, if someone would've done that to me I would be ready to kill them." He takes a deep breath and gives me a sheepish smile.

Xander, the only one I wasn't really surprised being in this, apologizes. Xander feels sorry, Xander feels it wasn't right, while Willow and Giles, the ones I thought of being supportive tried to defend their actions. My world really turned upside down.

My gaze wanders to Cordy but she holds up a hand, "Hey don't look at me that way. I wanted to murder you when you didn't reply. I knew he wrote to you, he told me. And he was devastated when you never wrote back, never even called. I wanted to tie him to his bed when he decided to come to Sunnydale after your mom died because I thought he didn't owe you anything. Only to find out you never had a chance to read the letter."

She turns and glares at Willow and Giles, somehow she seems to feel the same as I, that Xander already understood what he's done. "I cannot believe you guys. What do you think you are. The Powers That Be?" Suddenly she shrugs, "On a second thought you might be. They certainly know about torture," she touches her head and I don't understand what she means but the way she looks at my ex-friend and my ex-watcher tells me that she has no love for the Powers.

She looks at me again, "I came to kill you, you know," she says but smiles. "He came back yesterday. To L.A. I'm really glad he isn't a vampire anymore, because I'm sure he would've welcomed the sunlight this morning. And I wanted to kill myself for being so stupid to push him to go to you." She sighs, "But now I know better."

"Is he still there?" I ask, suddenly not caring anymore about my so called friends. Suddenly I realise what's important in my life, what I have to do, where my future is.

"Sure," she nods. "Probably brooding in his room." She reaches in her purse and tosses me her keys. "That's for the hotel entrance," she tells me. "I'm not sure he'll answer the door. Good Luck."

"Thanks, Cordy," I say and squeeze her arm. "You're a good friend."

"Of course I am," she smiles back. "He's like the brother I never had."

My eyes are cold when I look at Willow and Giles, "I don't want to see you again. I will try to find a new apartment soon and then I'll get my things." I don't look at Xander because I'm not sure about my feelings towards him at the moment. It's not so clear.

Closing the door behind me I hear Willow ask, "What do you mean Angel's no vampire anymore?"

*

Closing the entrance door behind me I look around. The Hyperion Hotel. I knew that Angel moved in here some years ago, but I've never seen it before. It's dark everywhere and I realise that everything is still vampire-proof. But somehow I'm not really interested in my surroundings at the moment. Silently I tiptoe through the hallways to find Angel's room number, Cordy has given to me.

Reaching it I shortly discuss to knock but then decide against it. Inside it's dark and I can see his body sprawled on his bed. He still wears the same clothes he did when he came to see me. It brings tears to my eyes. God Angel, I want to say, what have I done to you. But I don't. I just step nearer and then sit down on the edge.

"Buffy," he says, his eyes still closed. "What do you want? I thought we said everything yesterday."

That throws me. He can still feel me. Only now he opens his eyes and looks at me. The expression in them almost makes me cry out in agony. I want to touch him, I want to say I'm sorry, but instead I blurt out, "I never got that letter, Angel. I only found it this morning after I decided not to marry Brian. Giles and Willow and Xander decided to keep it away from me. You know, the letter you wrote me about you becoming human one day."

I can see him taking a deep breath and sit up on the bed, but he doesn't say a word. He just keeps staring at me.

And suddenly I know exactly what I want and what is important in my life and I decide there's something about pride, but sometimes it's strongly overrated. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I never stopped loving you too," and lock my teary eyes with his.

"I'm sorry too. For too many things to mention," he finally says. He reaches out to touch my hand and it hits me like lightning, but I don't pull away. I want to feel him. It's so familiar, so Angel and yet so new because he's warm. "There's a lot we have to talk about, Buffy. But first of all I need to know something." He smiles hesitantly and something close to hope enters his eyes, "I want my life to be with you. Do you too? I know there are a lot of issues we have to work through, but I'm also sure we can if we both want."

I feel tears again in my eyes, but this time they aren't sad. This time they are happy tears, "Yes," I cry and throw my arms around his neck, sobbing in his shirt. "Yes, Angel, I want my life to be with you. I want to be with you every second of every minute of every hour of a day. I love you, I love you," I repeat again and again.

"I love you too," he muffles into my hair and hold me close.

I cling to him and for the first time in years I feel home.

So??? Did you like?? Or not??? There's a possibility this could become a series ... if you want, that is. You know with all the unsolved issues in Sunnydale. But only if I get enough requests. It can also live as a "stand-alone-thing". So it's up to you!

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