Disclaimer: If I owned any of them, would I write this? Just think guys! So don't sue.
Distribution: Land of Denial, Sunlight & Shaddow, everyone who has any of my stories; anybody else: just tell me where it goes
Summary: they're back from the honeymoon; Buffy's POV - as always
Spoilers: the whole BtVS and AtVS series to be sure; and of course the two previous stories called "Christmas Surprise" and "Birthday Surprise".
Timeline: mid of February 2008; they've been away for the honeymoon for four weeks
Feedback: is begged for!
Dedication: to Helen and Kathy, who know the idea of the whole series by now (even the end) and think I'm evil ... well, guys, can't help it. It's just too intriguing.

I look at the letter in my hand and groan.

He wrote it.

And I don't want to open it.

I was so happy in Rome. With Angel. It was like a dream come true. We laughed and loved, for four weeks non stop. And we rarely talked about the baby. We never talked about Riley. I could almost pretend he never exsisted.

And now I have his letter in my hand. I open it and begin to read.

I hear Angel coming towards our new house carrying our bags. He doesn't want me to help because of the baby. He's so sweet about it. Not once he made me feel bad about it, he's so accepting, he doesn't question it, although I know more than anything he wishes it would be his child. But that is something I can never change and I will never stop feeling bad about it. Because it should be his baby.

I couldn't believe he bought a house for us. He told me about it in Rome and Cordy was taking care of all the work that had to be done with it while we were gone. I was so excited to hear about and I couldn't wait to see it and now I can only look at the letter in my hand.

Reality didn't give us any more time.

"What's the matter with you?," Angel asks behind me.

I turn around and meet his concerned gaze. He's put the bags down and touches my cheek.

"This," I reply showing him the paper in my hand. "It's from Riley."

I see the question in his eyes and continue: "He wants to meet us. To talk about the baby. Oh Angel," I sigh wrapping my arms around his waist. "I'm so sorry you have to go through that because of my stupidity."

"Shhh," he strikes my back. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"You're not," I protest, pulling back. "Don't try to pretend that it doesn't matter to you. Because I know it does."

He sighs: "Yes, Buffy. It does matter. But I can live with it. I already told you I'd prefer the baby to be mine. But also because it would be much easier, especially for you. I want you to stop dwelling about the past. You couldn't expect me to come back to you and I couldn't expect you to wait for me forever."

"I know. But I lost faith. In you. In us. And I just cannot forgive myself for it. I wish the baby wasn't there." And that's the truth. I'm not excited about the baby. I would never admit it to anybody, but with Angel I do not need to lie. And I hate me for my feelings, because I feel like the worst mother ever. How can you not accept something that's inside of you?

"I understand," he says, his voice sounding soft. "But beloved, that baby is a part of you. It's growing inside of you. Please don't hate it for my sake and don't hate it because you're feeling guilty. We will love that baby. Because it'll be your daughter or son. Maybe it will have your eyes, the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen," he bows down and kisses my eyelids. "Or it'll have your nose," he kisses it. Then he smiles: "It better won't have your mouth if it's a girl, because then I will have to kill all the boys who'll linger around our door when she's grown up."

God, how I love him: "How come you'll always know the right words?"

He shrugs and grins: "Practice."

"I see," I smile now as well. "I will call him later. I suppose we really should talk. Maybe we'll all feel better afterwards."

The house is unbelievable. It's as if Angel knew exactly what I dreamt of. I smile. Of course he did. He always does.

I follow him into our bedroom where he puts the bags down and turns to look at me: "Do you like it?," he asks and I see he's nervous. Because he wants me to approve.

"I love it," I reply and smile. Then I look at the bed and a mischievous grin spreads over my face: "And I'd love to baptise it."

"Do you now?," he grins stepping closer.

I see his eyes darken and passion washes all over me.

And Riley is only a bad nightmare.

For a while.

****

How I dreaded that night and now I've the feeling it's even worse than I thought it'd be.

We're sitting in a restaurant, Riley, Angel and I. I refused meeting him in our house, I don't want him there.

Not yet.

Although I realise he'll be there very often as soon as the baby is born and maybe also while I'm pregnant.

It's an awkward situation to sit here with my husband and the father of the child I'm expecting and they're two different people. It's almost ridiculous but somehow I do not feel like laughing.

"So," I start and look at Riley. Under the table I reach out for Angel's hand. I need that connection right now, badly.

"How do you feel," the father of my child asks me.

I take a deep breath to calm down. How can he even ask me that? I feel like crying, I feel like punching him. I want to shout at him, how does he think I feel, carrying his child and loving another man. But instead I reply: "Good," and give him a forced smile. I really do feel good, physically. And that's all that matters. The rest is none of his business anymore and maybe it never was.

"I'm glad to hear it. I want our baby to be fine," he smiles at me. And again I want to hit him for actually being happy with my pregnancy. But I cannot really blame him. Of course he is happy about the baby and I suddenly remember the expression on his face when I told him about it that night. Like a little boy under a Christmas tree.

"Me too," I hear myself answer. The same moment I feel Angel squeeze my hand and I look at him. He smiles. And suddenly I smile back. I really want that baby to be fine and he's glad I'm able to admit it. My free hand moves to my stomach under the table and I touch it. It's my baby growing inside of me. My baby.

"Did you see a doctor?," Riley asks me now.

I shake my head: "No. But I'm having an appointment tomorrow. It's nothing big. He'll only do some tests. We'll do an ultrasound next week."

"Can ... can I come with you?" he asks hesitantly.

I turn my gaze to Angel and when I see him nod slightly I reply: "If you really want, but the nurse on the phone said it isn't that impressive until the third month."

"I see," he says looking at his lap. "You don't want me to come," he whispers and I feel the hurt in his voice.

"No." The answer escapes my mouth before I can do anything about it and I immediately feel bad about it.

"But I want to be a part of my child's life. I want to be a part of it all," he says, his voice sounding desperate.

"Look, Riley," I begin. "I would lie if I told you I'm glad about the situation. I'm just getting used to the fact that I'm going to have your baby and I just cannot imagine laying on a doctors table and enjoying looking at the ultrasound of my baby together with you. Not yet." I hesitate for a moment and then continue: "It's too early. But maybe it helps you to know that I didn't think about getting rid of that baby for second."

He looks up: "How do you feel about it," he asks and turns toward Angel. I hear anger in his voice and suddenly I realise he thinks Angel is trying to make me behave like that. He thinks Angel tries to get him out of the baby's life.

How could I ever contemplate marrying Riley, I wonder.

"Do you really want to know that?," my husband answers with another question. When he sees Riley nod he says: "I want Buffy to be happy or at least to be okay with the situation. That's all that matters for me. I realise it is a difficult situation, for all of us and maybe you think it's my fault, because if I hadn't come you and Buffy would be happily married, am I right?"

"Damned right," Riley replies and now he doesn't try to hide his anger anymore. "We would be a family and looking forward to have our first child. I wouldn't have to sit here begging to be a part of my baby's life."

"Wrong," I jump into the conversation. "You would've been happy. Maybe. But I would still lie to myself. Do you want to know what I felt when I sat there with the positive pregnancy test? I felt sick. That night when we came back from dinner, after you fell asleep, I got out of my bed and went into the bathroom. I had to throw up feeling so sick with the situation. And Angel wasn't even in the picture then."

He only stares at me as if he cannot believe my words. I can see his dreams crushing down in his eyes and feel bad for him, but he has to know that. He has to know it, so he can stop dreaming and start over.

"I don't think I would've married you at all," I continue. "Or maybe I would've, too numb to realise how wrong that would've been. But I would have been miserable and in the end we both would've been. Can't you see that Riley? Don't try to blame Angel for something that isn't his fault." That moment I wish Riley to vanish into thin air, I wish I could hate him and push him out of my life, but I can't, because I'm going to have his baby.

"You never loved me," he whispers and I want to answer, but he goes on. "Deep inside I knew it. I told you years ago. But when I came back and you were so happy to see me I tried to convince myself that everything was different now. I thought the years had changed your feelings for him," he looks at Angel. "But I still felt it, felt that there was a part of you wouldn't open up to me. Even if we made love, it always felt as if there was a third person in bed with us. But I loved you, no I love you, so much that I didn't want to believe it."

I wince because I don't really want Angel to hear about Riley and I having sex with each other. But he only squeezes my hand again to assure me he's okay with it. God, how I love him.

"I think," Angel begins. Then he stops and looks at Riley for a moment. "I feel that pressure is the last Buffy needs now. She's pregnant and although I'm not an expert in it I'm pretty sure she needs to be as relaxed as possible for her's and the baby's sake. So maybe you can give her a little bit more time and space to get used to all this." Suddenly his face is hard and I wonder what's going on in his head. Then he continues: "If you really love her as much as you say you'll give her all time she needs. Otherwise you should stop saying it, because it is a lie. Because then everything you feel is selfish and I'm not risking my wife's health and happiness for the selfish feelings of a disappointed ex-lover. Do you understand?"

I hold my breath and look at Riley. He looks stunned. I have never heard Angel talk like this, but I know he only did it because he's concerned about me. My love for him seems to grow with every minute. Just when I think I couldn't feel any deeper he does or says something that prooves me wrong.

I see the two men stare at each other and after what seems like an eternity Riley slowly nods Then he turns to face me: "You know where I am. When you're ready to talk then please call me. I really want to be part of my child's life."

"I know," I reply softly. "And I will call you, I promise."

He looks at me for amoment, then with a nod towards Angel and I he stands up and leaves the restaurant without another word.

"Can you even imagine how much I love you?" I say to my husband without looking at him.

Hearing him chuckle I face him immediately: "I think," he cups my cheeks in his hands, "I have a pretty good idea. Because," he leans forward to kiss my mouth lightly, "I love you even more."

I feel tears in my eyes, but I smile: "No way," I say.

He kisses me, this time deeper to show me his feelings.

When he looks into my eyes again I see his are dark with passion.

"Let's go home," I whisper.

"Good idea," he whispers back.

And I know whatever's going to happen, we'll deal.

So - what do you think of this. Feedback me dammit!!!!

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