Disclaimer: duuuuh - if I owned them Angel would be human and living with Buffy somewhere in the sun
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Land of Denial, Sunlight & Shadow, Angelscharmedslayer, if you have any of my stories, just take it; anybody else please tell me where it goes
Spoilers: the whole B/A-thing; the previous three stories in the series called "Hidden Words", "Hidden Away" and "Hidden Friends". I highly recommend you read these first to understand what's going on.
Summary: Xander and Anya come to visit the gang in L.A.
Timeline: several weeks after "Hidden Friends"
Feedback: oh yes, please ... I crave it.
Dedication: this goes to Serena and Rose who do such a great job with the BA-Fluff-Archive!!! Thanks guys!

It was several weeks later when Buffy told Angel about Dawn. Somehow there had never been the time to do it before, never be the right moment. It didn't surprise her that Angel had no idea who her so called sister was. It just told her that the monks hadn't done such a thorough job in installing her in their lives. And obviously the subject of Dawn had never come up during the rare contacts between the gang in L.A. and Sunnydale.

She told him how shocked she'd been to find out she wasn't real. How much she got used to the fact of having a sister, how much Dawn had helped her to get over the death of her mother and how betrayed she'd felt when the monks had taken her away after she'd served her purpose. Sealing the Hellmouth in Sunnydale forever. As a result slaying had been much easier there, but still vampires came along and several demons had even tried to reopen the portal to hell.

Of course Angel had known about the closing of the Hellmouth. Buffy would've been surprised if he hadn't, but what surprised her was the fact that he seemed to know everything about her life. Looking back she felt a bit ridiculous thinking how she'd told him about the events of her life. But he assured her that there was no need for it. To hear that Spike had told him first hand about Parker was still shocking though.

And again she realised how much harder their breakup had been for him. There had been no life waiting for him. He had left Sunnydale expecting to live separated from mankind again. Only the Powers That Be had another purpose for him. Buffy realised that she was almost greedy to hear about all the details and facts in his life. She craved to know everything, not only the general survey. To her great joy Angel never grew tired to answer her questions and step by step they became closer and closer again.

Buffy had to laugh when after some weeks Cordelia remarked that she found it creepy the way slayer and ex-vampire understood each other without words. But besides that the former mayqueen was more than supportive of their relationship and she and Buffy had become close friends. The two couples often went out together for dinner or a drink. Gunn and Angel were close friends as well and Buffy grew to like the black man a lot. He was funny, knew many things and was loyal to the bone.

Buffy and Faith took over the slaying during nights sometimes accompanied by Angel who wasn't able to give it up completely but who was reasonable enough to realise that he wasn't really a match for the vampires anymore. Still he was a big help not at least because of his centuries of training and his knowledge that he shared whenever it was needed.

So Buffy blended easier than expected into the life in L.A., but still - as much as she wanted to deny it - there was this cut deep inside her heart, the fact that her friends in Sunnydale had gone behind her back, betrayed her. And as hard as she tried the hurt wouldn't let go.

It was four weeks after she'd moved to L.A. and another night during which Angel woke her up from a nightmare and held her sobbing form in his arms when Cordelia announced that Xander and Anya would be coming to L.A. the same afternoon.

They were all seated in the lobby, drinking coffee and chewing donuts Wesley had bought on his way to the hotel when the former mayqueen made her announcement. It was done almost casually, but her eyes showed that she was perfectly aware of the fact she'd just dropped a little bombshell.

Angel felt his girlfriend immediately tense at his side, the donut in her hand stopped in midair and her hand froze around the mug she'd been about to take from the table.

"Oh fun," Faith said sarcastically, her eyes quickly darting towards her sister slayer.

"Yeah, well, what can I say," Cordelia shrugged and exchanged a glance with her boyfriend, who was happily chewing his donut, completely unaware of the tension that had suddenly settled over the room. "He phoned yesterday night to say he was coming and," she coughed slightly and blushed, "well ... he ..."

Gunn patted her knee and grinned, "What my woman wants to say is that the call came in the middle of something very important," he gave the others a pointed look, "so we didn't really pay attention. She was just mumbling something like 'okay' and hung up."

"He might have asked if it was okay to come," the former mayqueen admitted sheepishly, "but, well." She gave Buffy and Angel an apologetic smile.

"Buffy," Angel took his lover's hand and gave a concerned look, "I can try to get him on the phone and ..."

"No," she shook her head and gazed at him, "it's okay." Seeing the doubt in his eyes she smiled, "It really is. I have to face them sooner or later right? And Xander is the right one to begin with. He *was* sorry after all, so he's probably the easiest and I think there's a lot he and I have to talk about."

"If you're sure," he said hesitantly.

"I am," she leaned over and brushed his lips with hers. "I really am. I knew I couldn't avoid them forever. I know I said I didn't want to see them ever again," she quickly glanced at Cordelia, "but I know it's not possible. I will have to see Giles sooner or later. I mean the moment some demon arrives there he'll probably call. So there's no way to delay that forever. I still don't know about Willow though."

She shook her head and leaned her it at Angel's shoulder, while his arm that was draped around her waist, pulled her closer. "Somehow her betrayal is still the worst. Riley isn't important, Xander didn't surprise me because he always hated Angel and Giles," she sighed, "as rational as he might be, he'll probably never be able to completely lay his problems with Angelus at bay. And Angel still wears the face of the demon or the demon wore his, however you want to put it."

They were all quiet for a moment and then she added, "But Willow... I mean she ... she ...," Buffy sighed again and shook her head, "I don't really get it. Why did she do it? Because the letter came to our dorm, so she must have been the person to hide it in the first place."

"Maybe I'm not the right person to say this now," Cordelia said after another short silence, "because she and I never got along well, but Willow has one serious flaw." She took a sip from her coffee and went on, "She always want everybody happy around her. She needs the ideal life, she can't stand people moping or grieving. And as much as she's into her witchcraft she'd very much prefer a world without vampires."

"You really think that?" Buffy asked after a moment.

"Yeah," the former mayqueen nodded. "All her nervous babbling and asking if everybody is happy. The way she hated me for dating Xander because I didn't fit into her private, happy universe," she shrugged. "So she tries everything to make people happy and if they aren't she sinks into serious denial. Just think about it, Buffy, what would've happened if you'd read the letter."

"Oh, Cordy, that's the question I've asked myself about a thousand times the last four weeks," the slayer replied with a sigh and put her hand over Angel's that was laying on her hipbone.

"Maybe we will never know," the brunette said with a shrug, "but I think Willow was afraid you would begin to doubt your relationship with the perfect soldier boy, be alone and miserable, waiting for your chace with Angel or maybe even dating some guys but never get serious. That's certainly not something she wants in her book of life."

"If you ask me, that girl is in need of some serious therapy," Gunn remarked with a shake of his head.

When everyone was looking at Faith as if waiting for a comment, she held up a hand, "Don't ask me guys, she never liked me and after she found out I screwed her childhood love ... well, let's just say I wasn't fitting in either."

"But she has her good sides too," Buffy almost unconsciously defended her former friend. "She has been supportive so many times. When nobody wanted accept Angel after he came back from hell she was the one...," she stopped and shook her head. "Did I actually defend her?," she asked nobody in particular and sighed. "Well, let's deal with them one by one. I suppose after Xand will come this afternoon it won't be long until the others will appear on our doorstep.

*

For Buffy the hours until afternoon crawled and she was looking at the clock every five minutes. Angel tried to distract her but he could feel the tension wouldn't let go completely.

When finally the door opened and a very pregnant Anya followed by her husband stepped in it was almost a relief.

Xander seemed equally tense as the slayer had been the whole day, but he tried to plaster a smile on his face when he greeted the people assembled in the lobby. "Hey, L.A.-crew," he said and gave everybody a nod but avoided eye-contact with Buffy or Angel. It had been a long time since he'd seen the former vampire and especially after the secret with the hidden letter had been revealed he wasn't sure how to act around him.

Still he almost doubled over when his eyes fell on Faith. The brunette slayer chuckled in seeing his stunned expression, "Hi Xander," she smirked. "I bet you never expected to see me."

"N-no," he managed to stutter and unconsciously stepped back, bumping right into his wife who glared at him in response. Why on earth hadn't Cordy told him the brunette slayer was now with them.

"No need to panic," Faith grinned. "I'm not going to hurt you - yet. Not that I don't think you need to get your ass kicked for what you did to Buffy and Angel, but you at least seem to be sorry." She yawned and stood up. "Somehow I'm suddenly very tired. Maybe I should take a nap." Pointedly she looked at Wesley who needed a second to understand.

"Oh, yes," he struggled to get up as well. "I really need to research that demon we were talking about lately."

"I think that's our cue as well," Gunn took his girlfriend's hand.

"You don't have to go," Buffy said.

"Oh I think we do," Cordelia gave her a quick smile. "Maybe we can do something together tonight," she suggested looked to the both couples. "Just let us know. We're at home."

"Yeah, well give us an hour or two, then we might not be that busy anymore," Gunn grinned over his shoulder and yelped when his lover punched him in his ribs.

Angel chuckled slightly at their retrieving backs while Buffy shook her head, "At least it's never boring when they're around." She fell silent all of a sudden and it seemed as if she'd just now realised that she, Angel, Xander and Anya were the only ones left in the lobby. An awkward silence settled over the room and they were busy staring at the ceiling or their legs, everywhere but in each others eyes.

Finally Angel was the one to break the silence, "Well," he said, "why don't you sit down. Can I get you something? Coffee, tea?"

"No coffee for me," Anya said gesturing at her protruding stomach and took a seat opposite to Buffy, while her husband sat down beside her.

"So tea it is," Angel looked at Xander and when he nodded in confirm he left the for the kitchen.

"So how was your drive down here?" Buffy asked to find something, anything, to avoid another silence.

"Good," Anya replied, sensing the slayer's intention. More than ten years among humans had shown success and she was almost acting normal now. Almost. "It has to be quite inspiring," she said, "to have a lover that yummy."

"Excuse me," her husband stared at her.

"Angel," she said mercilessly. "I mean I saw him once or twice but there's really something to be said about vampires. They're well preserved at least."

"Why, thank you," Xander's voice was pure sarcasm.

Anya patted his knee, "Don't be hurt. You're still the one I prefer giving me my o ...," the last second she stopped herself and said instead, "I wouldn't exchange you for another husband."

Buffy coughed slightly and grinned at Angel who was just coming back with the tea. "Here you go," he placed two cups in front of their guests and settled down again beside his girlfriend.

"So," Xander cleared his throat, "You two then?"

"Yes," the slayer nodded and snuggled closer into Angel's side. "Did you doubt it?"

"No," he shook his head and had to smile. "Not really. Maybe we just didn't want to see it. Maybe...," he stopped and shook his head again, "first of all I think I owe you an apology. Both of you," he added and looked at Angel. "Maybe I just start at the beginning if this is okay for you. I know that you don't need to listen to any explanation from my side, but," he shrugged, "I also know that it doesn't excuse things. Still...," he took a deep breath and suddenly couldn't sit anymore.

Patting his wife's knee he stood up and began to pace the lobby. "I have to go back quite a bit with this. Before Buffy came to Sunnydale I was living there like all the others. I knew that something wasn't quite right but I gave in to denial, because I was too young to deal with it maybe. More likely because I was just as ignorant as the others. I mean who am I kidding," he said and gestured with his hands, "I'm the average guy," he grimaced, "or maybe not. Maybe I'm a freak. Who knows."

He sighed, "But then one morning I'm on my way to school and 'bang' there she is. I admit that I was an extremely hormone driven teenager, but Buffy on the steps of my high school was just wow." He had to grin remembering that special morning.

"Jesse, Willow and I grew up together," he continued and looked at Angel again,"Jesse was a friend of mine. He and I were close," he had to swallow. "Anyway. He had a crush on Cordelia for I don't know how long and now my mouth was watering when I came across Buffy. We were all losers, Jesse and I never had a girlfriend and Willow," he sighed again, "she was so shy." He stopped his pacing and faced Angel and Buffy.

"And then one night our world turned upside down. This Darla-chick and some other vampires decided to have us three as their midnight snacks, then suddenly Buffy appears and saves our asses." He took a deep breath and crossed his arms. "And then Giles gives us the talk about vampires and the slayer. I couldn't believe it at first or didn't want to. But I knew it was true and what was even worse was the fact that they'd taken Jesse. Buffy and I went to look for him and when we finally found him...," he had to swallow hard. "They had turned him. My friend Jesse was a vampire and in the end I staked him. I didn't want to and it just happened but still..."

Xander looked at Buffy for a moment and began to pace again, "From that moment on I hated vampires. For me they were the reason all the horrible things had happened. They had taken one of my two childhood friends from me. The funny thing is," he stopped and looked at them again, "I didn't even realise how deep it went until some years ago when I finally found out how much I loved Anya and how I had tried to deny it because she'd been a demon once."

He took the offered hand of his wife, rounded the sofa and sat down beside her. "I had a long way to go to accept the world the way it was. Where was I, oh yes. So I hated vampires and then Buffy, the girl I lusted after, the hero who went out, night after night, to kill them, fell for one. Again my whole world came tumbling down." He looked at Angel, "I didn't want you there. Partly because I didn't like the competition although I soon realised that I had no chance with her. But it bugged me to no end that I had tried everything to get her attention and you just had to be there and her eyes would light up." He shook his head again.

"But mostly because for me you were nothing more than a vampire, the very thing I hated with my entire being. And then I hated you even more because I came to respect you. You saved our lives, you never expected us to thank you and I hated that selfless act of yours. Do you understand what I mean?"

"You didn't want to be grateful to something you wanted to hate. You didn't want to see the shades of gray. Oh yes, Xander I understand you," Angel said with a nod. "Black and white is so much easier."

"Yeah," the other man replied. "It is. But finally, as much as I tried not to, I began to see you as part of the group. Willow was ecstatic in her typical manner, always romancing about the great love between a slayer and a vampire and I started to get a crush on Cordy, so even my jealousy wasn't as strong anymore. And Giles accepted you too."

"But then it happened and Angel changed," Buffy supplied.

"Yeah," he nodded. "It was the typical situation 'I told you so'. All I wanted was to get rid of him. I hated you," he gazed at the former vampire, "even more than the others because you had been able to hurt her deeply, you almost destroyed her and I didn't give a damn that it wasn't you. So you went to hell and I thought my world was right again, but it wasn't. Far from it!," he admitted.

"Buffy was a shell. Willow tried to get her to date that looser Scott, but we all knew she couldn't get over you and then you were back. Snap and you were back in our lives. And before I could start hating you again you saved Willow's life and then mine when psycho-slayer tried to strangle me." He took his cup and drank a large gulp, burning his tongue in the process. Holding the cup in both hands he went on.

"So there I was again. Trying to hate you and somehow not able to." He shook his head, "I don't know how to explain this. By that time my relationship with Cordy had been reduced to nothing, she treated me like a bug again. I know now that she was just trying to protect herself because I hurt her deeply. Some years ago she told me I had been the first person she'd opened up herself to. Of course I was too dense to realise it then."

He ran a hand through his hair, "But let's come back to the subject. So when Angel finally decided to leave Sunnydale I was glad because I couldn't make up my mind when it came to him. And I saw how much it threw you that you couldn't be close," he gave Buffy a smile. "So I honestly thought it was for the best. At first you were moping and sad and I wanted to kill Parker for doing what he did because it was something you really didn't need right then. But then came Riley.

"Looking back I don't know if I really believed it or if I just wanted to believe that he was the right guy for you. But you seemed okay with him, he was caring for you, he tried everything to make you happy. He certainly wasn't completely normal, but at least more normal than you first and not dumping you like that slimy bastard Parker. And Riley had another big plus, he was human. So for once I had my black and white," he quickly glanced at Angel who smiled, "and everything seemed right for me or as right as it could be with all the demons and vampires around us.

"Of course there was still Spike but he wasn't a real threat and he was evil so I could just tune him out as annoying as he was sometimes." He took a deep breath and finally pushed the subject he'd been running around the whole speech. "And then the letter came. I can clearly remember Willow's phonecall, she was babbling on the phone and then wanted us to meet at Giles. But only Riley, me and her beside the G-man. Willow, Riley and Giles soon agreed that it was for your best not to show it to you."

He put his cup down and stared at it for a moment, "After a while they convinced me that it was. I didn't like the idea at the beginning. As much as I disliked Dead-Boy, it just didn't feel right. It was your letter and it was very personal. I wanted to run when Willow started reading it aloud. But somehow their arguments sounded logical. Willow's and Giles' that was. Riley," he shrugged, "I wasn't so sure about him. He felt that you were slipping from him, that you never truly loved him and for him Angel's letter was a threat. So if it had only been him I would've said no. But Willow's and Giles' concern seemed so genuine."

He dared to look at slayer and ex-vampire again and then threw his hands in the air, "So we did it. We hid the letter and I felt like the greatest liar in the universe, until ... until you started dating Brian. You seemed so perfect together. He is a great guy and when you announced your engagement I was convinced we did the right thing. After all Angel had written himself that it was unlikely he'd become human in your lifetime." He let out an unhappy laugh and for a moment buried his face in his hands.

Then he looked up again, "But seeing you two together now, boy was I wrong! I've never seen Buffy like that. Honestly. Never. Before there was always ... I don't know. Somehow it was forbidden, not possible. And the other guys, even Brian, were nothing but a substitute, a desperate try to escape the loneliness. But seeing you now," he gave them his first genuine smile, "it's perfect." Then he leaned back pulled Anya's hand to his mouth and kissed it. "Just like us," he added.

Buffy had listened during his entire speech and now she couldn't help the tears welling up in her eyes, "Oh Xand," she said her voice full of emotion. "You are horrible. I wanted to hate you for what you did and now...," she sniffed and turned her head into Angel's chest who smiled at the other man.

"You've certainly grown up, Xander," he said.

"That's what life and love do to you," Xander replied simply. Then he added, "and the fact that I'll be a father soon. Gives you some insight."

Still sniffing, Buffy looked at him again, "I'm still mad at you," she told him.

"I know. I expected that," he grinned, knowing that they'd made the first big step to save their friendship.

"But you seem to be truly sorry and I can understand what was going on inside of you. What about you?," she looked at Angel.

"I'm okay with it. I mean, who am I to be unforgiving. But don't hurt her again, do you understand?" he sharply glanced at Xander who nodded in response.

"Understood," he said. "And I won't, well, at least not intentionally."

"Can we now call Cordelia and Gunn?" Anya suggested out of the blue. "I'm starving and all this angst makes it even worse."

Xander laughed, "That's my love, always direct."

"Good for her," Buffy grinned at the former demon who smiled back. "Let's call Cordy." She looked around and saw Xander holding up a hand.

"I won't do it. Yesterday was embarrassing enough. I think I interrupted something."

"Angel?" the slayer gazed at her boyfriend with puppy dog eyes.

He rolled his, "You're impossible." He sighed, "Fine. I'm calling her. We can have dinner here or somewhere out. What do you prefer?"

"Out," came her quick reply and she gazed at Xander, "I think we have a reason to celebrate. We saved a friendship." Her friend of many years gave her a grateful look.

"Out it is," the former vampire kissed her lightly on the cheek and stood up. "Formal or casual?"

"Casual," Xander replied, "We didn't bring anything formal because we weren't sure...," he trailed off and exchanged another glance with Buffy.

And while Angel called Cordelia and Gunn and understanding passed between them. They had still a long way to go to reinstall the trust that had been destroyed between them. But they'd taken the first step and they both knew that given time it would be okay.

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