This is a very angsty and sad fic so be warned. It deals with a character death.
Disclaimer: No they don't belong to me. So don't sue. The song is from Ronan Keating's CD "Ronan" - I know I'm quite addicted to this at the moment - so it's not mine too.
Distribution: If you want it, take it, but tell me where it goes.
Spoilers: Sanctuary, but only slightly
Summary: there isn't really a summary. It's Buffy's POV
Feedback: Oh yes!! Especially for this one.
MAJOR ANGST WARNING!!!!

I stare at the letter in my hand. There are no more tears left, they've been spent throughout the last two weeks. I sit in my apartment and feel as if a ghost is coming back to me. On the letter I see my name written in Angel's typical handwriting. Cordy brought it to me - this morning. She found it in his things, a week after he died.

Yes, Angel is dead. When Cordelia called me these two weeks ago I didn't believe her. He couldn't be dead. Angel is immortal, he's a vampire, he's supposed to live forever, I thought. I was so in denial that it needed two days for me to accept what had happened.

I think about the many vampires I've staked.

No, not really immortal.

But I always thought he would at least live longer than I.

I stare at the letter again and can feel a tape inside. A tape? I frown. Angel and music? Well he did listen to some classic music, but he wouldn't send me classic music, would he.

Taking a deep breath and collecting all my courage I tore the envelope open. Slowly I remove the letter and a sob escapes my throat. Gently my fingertips move over his beautiful handwriting. It's as if I could touch him. Oh what I would give for one minute with him now. But there won't be any more minutes.

I don't know what I would say to him, probably I would just hold him close so he could feel my love for him, because words cannot express what I feel. My love that I told him belonged to someone else.

I thought there were no more tears, but now I feel my cheeks sre wet again. I told him I loved someone else and I lied and all I can hope is that he knew it. Because now I can never take these words back.

Slowly my eyes focus on the words of the letter.

My beloved Buffy,

When you read this letter, I will be gone. I always knew this unlife of mine wasn't going to last forever.

I want you to know that you were the best part of my life. You were giving me hope where there was none.

I know we didn't talk to each other for a while, but I never stopped loving you. And this love, the knowledge that I could feel so deeply for someone, kept me going on. Made me believe that I wasn't all lost. That I was not only a vicious animal but a person with a soul.

This was my happiness, not perfect happiness of course, but as good as I could have it. You were my happiness.

I attach a tape. Some months ago I heard this song while driving. I asked Cordy to tape it for me. It says more than I could.

I love you. And more than anything I wish you to be happy!

Always
Angel

I will never forget Cordelia's voice on the phone when she told me that they'd found these letters. There had been one for her and Doyle, one for Giles and for me. She couldn't stop crying while talking to me. I asked her to send it to me, but she said she'd come in person. When she finally came we cried for almost two hours.

Together.

We were just sitting on my sofa and holding hands. We both missed him, still miss him, will always miss him. It's not taking the pain away, but it's good to know others loved him too. And will miss him almost as much as I do.

I haven't seen him for years now, and one should think that I'm used to his absence, but it was different to know he was in LA. There I could always reach out and contact him if it had been necessary. I never did, well I did - but only ended up hurting him. After that I kept my distance as did he. I had my share of boyfriends, but none of them could come near him and for that near my heart.

Because my heart is Angel.

I get up and push the tape into my player. With a shaking finger I press start.

And smile. It's the first smile since two weeks.

It's a soft pop-song. I even know it. When I heard it for the first time I thought of him. Knowing that he thought of me too gives me a warm feeling. Angel could always make me feel better.

It never rained, the sun was always shining
Every traffic light was always green
There was a time when every door was open
The Universe was mine, or so it seemed

Every roll was seven or eleven
That it would ever end never crossed my mind
I was flying higher than the heavens
Back when the world was mine

Sometimes a man can't see
When he has it all
Take a look at me
Oh how the mighty fall
Once I ruled the earth
When I had your love
That's when the world was mine

I smile again. Even with his last words and deeds Angel can see into my soul. Nobody ever understood me the way he did. And now I know there won't be someone else. Never again I will take the second best. Betray our love by pretending feelings I didn't have.

Oh the changes I'd make if I had the power
How could I have so much and be so blind
But at least for a bright and shining moment
I had you, and the world was mine.

Sometimes a man can't see
When he has it all
Take a look at me
Oh how the mighty fall
Once I ruled the earth
Once upon a time
When I had your love
That's when the world was mine

My heart still aches and the pain will never go away, but it helps to know that I could give you hope and sunlight in your world of horror, guilt and pain.

I love you Angel.

Forever.

Once I ruled the earth
Once upon a time
When I had your love
That's when the world was mine
When I had your love
That's when the world was mine

So what do you think? Oh and when you think it was too angsty then read the story "Forgotten Memories" --- it's actually one with a happy ending!!! Grin.

Please send feedback!!! You would make so happy.

Go to the sequel, Forgotten Memories

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