Disclaimer: Joss’s..riiiight.
Summary: This is a companion piece to "My Hero." It really doesn't matter if you've read "My Hero" or not, actually. This is Angel's POV.
Spoilers: none
Rating: PG14

Author’s Note: This is angst. Wonderful, delightful, agonizing angst. I am a glutton for it.
Timeline: umm, it doesn't really matter, but it has reference to the end of days.

Looking back on my lifetime, I have to smile. There were just too many good times…

When I found and married Tessa…

When my daughter, Bridget, was born…

When I ushered my little girl down the aisle…

When I became a grandfather…

When I first felt the warmth of the sun on my face…

It’s funny, but even after 341 years of living, some memories that now seem lifetimes ago, (And technically, I guess the are) are yet to be swept away…

The feeling of her warm hands on my icy skin…

Her sweet, genuine smile, her warm, kind eyes, and her bright, strong heart…that of a warrior.

After 341 years of being, I still can’t break a habit I’ve so long exercised…

Brooding.

Most of the time, I sit and think about the old days, when things that can’t be uttered now were in common conversations then.

Demons. Monsters.

Vampires.

Slayer.

A word that brought so much joy, and yet so much pain to my heart.

Slayer.

I still remember the day she willingly gave up her own life for mine.

“It’s okay, the war is over…nothing bad can ever touch the Earth again. It’s over,” Buffy said as she tried to smile, even through the blinding pain I knew she was in.

She was always trying to be strong.

Always strong for me.

I remember how I could feel my tears falling from my eyes and landing gently on her cheek…the one I used to dream about touching every night while in Los Angeles on those cold and dreary nights when everything seemed lost and hopeless.

“I know…I know…” I said. I could feel her breathing becoming labored, and her eyes becoming slightly hazy.

She is going to die.

“You know, the last few years have been the best of my life,” she said to me. “If it weren’t for you, I don’t think I would have lived through the first war.”

I remember those years very clearly.

Ironic how the best memories always come from the worst possible situations.

At that moment, I was speechless. There were too many things that needed to be said. Too many possible things I could have said. Instead, I chose the one that came naturally, like a second nature to me.

“Buffy…”

Finally, after a couple of silent moments, my brain kicked in and things that needed to be said, I said. “You would have made it. You’re strong, Buffy. Stronger than you know. That’s why I loved you so much. Why I still love you. You’re strong, and you influence everyone else to be stronger. It’s really me who should be thanking you.”

She reached up and ran her soft, warm hand through my tangled hair and looks deep into my eyes.

I’ve yet met a person whom I can have a conversation with without saying a word since Buffy.

Tessa and I never really developed that kind of relationship. Tessa was smart, and beautiful, and had a glow to her that resembled Buffy’s in a way.

But what really attracted my to her was her soul. This sounds crazy, and I have to admit, it if I were anyone else, I would have to say it is insane, but I could almost sense a familiarity in her soul.

Buffy’s soul.

Buffy was my soulmate, and to this day I still believe that Buffy’s soul resided in Tessa after she died. Like the Powers gift to me.

Crazy? I think so.

“Buffy…I—“ I said to her as she lay broken in my arms that cold day. Yet even through the cold and the exhaustion, Buffy brought me back and filled all my senses.

She made me warm…

Literally.

“Shh…Listen,” she said to me as she placed her hand on my now beating heart.

“Do you hear it?” She asked me.

How could I not? With every dull thud of my heart, it screamed out, “BUFFY!”

I remember crying…I cried a lot. I regret crying so much. Not because I felt stupid either.

It’s because I wasted that precious time when I could have been telling her my real feelings.

I love you…I try not to, but I can’t stop…

“I hear it…you did this…for me…you were the reason all this happened…” I said to her.

For the first time since the day that never was, Buffy cried. At that moment, I felt my heart break, and the reality of what she did, of how much she really loved me, truly sunk in.

“No…after all you did for me…after all these years…I am finally glad I can repay you,” she said. She always did keep her promises to me.

Even the ones that were impossible.

Even the one that cost her her life.

“Buffy…this isn’t just a favor. You are lying here dying because of me,” I said to her.

The saddest thing was that I never really appreciated all the other multiple times she put her own life on the line for mine.

I still can’t believe that her dying slowly, and obviously painfully in my arms was the way I learned to appreciate it.

“No. Angel, if I can give you, even half of what you gave me, it isn’t nearly enough. This wasn’t a favor,” she said.

“It was a gift,” she said to me. I could feel the tears that leaked from my eyes running streaks down my face.

“Angel…I love you…” She said to me.

My heart began to race. No. This can’t be happening, I thought.

Buffy wasn’t supposed to die. Not here. Not like this.

She was supposed to live with me, and have children and grow old and get fat. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

She was supposed to die alongside me.

But, no matter what I did, no matter what I said or attempted, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the strongest one in history, was dying.

And there was no way I could stop it.

There was not enough time. There was not enough time to say the things I needed to say.

No! That’s not enough time! How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had…what we could have had?

“I love you…more than anything,” I said to her, as I kissed her swollen lips.

Then, her body shook as a tremor of pain overwhelmed her frail, once strong form.

“Ohh…Angel,” she murmured silently. The last two words she would ever speak to me…to anyone.

“Shh…Love…close your eyes,” I said to her.

The dramatic irony behind those words was evident, but not important enough for me to analyze it further until a few years later.

Then, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Chosen One…my Chosen One, died.

Her breathing became labored and hard, and pretty soon, stopped completely.

I felt the tears that I thought were endless suddenly stop as I realized the gift, the treasure, Buffy had bestowed upon me, and the courage that this extraordinary woman, that half the world would never even meet, or acknowledge for that matter, had. She had enough to die for me.

Dying for my life.

Another irony that the Powers found humorous, most likely.

“Buffy…you have no idea what you’ve given me. You’re than a friend, lover, champion…you’re my hero,” I said to her lifeless body as I placed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

Sometimes, life can be hard.

Sometimes life can be more enjoyable than you could hardly imagine.

Some people don’t even acknowledge the fact that end of the world has come and gone.

But, I could never forget the fact that a woman, a single woman who was wise way beyond her years, saved me, in every way a person could be saved.

Emotionally…

Physically…

Mentally…

More than that, she gave me hope. Hope in people. Hope in a higher Power.

Buffy Summers was my love.

Buffy Summers was my savior.

Buffy Summers, gave me life.

Go to the companion story My Hero

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