Rating: umm...I'm thinking along the lines of PG...in the meantime. Who knows what the future might bring:).
Disclaimer: nope, last time I checked, nothing was mine.
Spoilers: well...better safe than sorry: everything up to the end of season 3 can be spoilery.
Synopsis: I have a strange drive to rewrite season 3 of BtVS. I just don't seem to like the way it ended...beats me why. Anyway, so despite the fact that the original plan was to begin with "Helpless" (that's around the time everything really started getting screwed up B/A-wise), as you can see, plan's changed and I'm going to start with "Anne". If you expect to find in this series events/quotes from the original season....I seriously mean it - I'll try my hardest keeping them to the very minimum. But all in all - it's probably a yet another attempt to end the season on a more "positive" B/A level. See how it goes:).
Pairing: the conventional ships: B/A, W/O, C/X. If I decide to torture any/all of them, you'll be the first to know:).
Distribution: ask first.
Feedback: please, yes, please.

It's time to be what you need to be
It won't be long till they are gone
And we can be what we want to be
I wanna run from everything
Everything that holds me down
Nothing to win, nothing to lose

- Vast, "Free"

**************

Angel had been just buttoning up his shirt, when his girlfriend entered the room and slowly closed the door behind her. She wasn't crying, but the expression on her face instantly told him something was wrong. Her mood was the complete opposite of the one she had left in only several minutes earlier.

The Slayer let go of the knob and leaned her back against the door, emitting a sigh, locking eyes with her boyfriend.

The second the vampire had the chance to glance into the windows to her soul, he could clearly see everything that was going on inside her, and only the superficial details were now left unknown to him. But those weren't at all important at the moment; he knew she would tell him everything soon, and if not soon then whenever she would be ready to. Right now, all she needed from him was to be held. That was the only thing her eyes craved for him to do. That was the only thing that was important.

He swallowed, breaking their eye contact for a moment and looking down to the floor, and then walked over to where she was standing. He pulled her from the door and wrapped his arms around her, inclining her head on his chest.

Buffy released a breath, tightly securing her arms around his neck and closing her eyes. She knew it was only temporary, but his embrace had always possessed the power to make her forget everything that burdened her soul, even the most horrible things that had happened to her, no matter how fresh they were.

If that one small moment made her realize something, it was that no matter what they were, how they fought, how far apart they were from one another, that unique gift to comfort each other only they both possessed would never fade away. It was priceless, and none of them could make it without the other, knowing it would maybe even take years, but eventually, there would come that inevitable time when due to the lack of the other's embrace, they would break.

Buffy pulled back first, but kept her hold on Angel's hand as she made her way back to her bed and sat down stiffly.

He sat after her and wrapped one arm around her, as she tiredly lay her head on his shoulder.

"Who was it?" Angel asked finally. He didn't have one clue regarding that, since the only thing his ears could pick up were murmurs of two people coming from the first floor. He hadn't perceived anything further because he hadn't thought he had the right to eavesdrop his girlfriend's conversations.

"Xander," Buffy replied, not quite sure how she was going to tell her boyfriend what exactly had Xander wanted, assuming he asked.

Angel nodded. "Does he…"

"Does he know?" the Slayer looked up at him.

He nodded again.

"Yeah," she exhaled, moving a little closer to him and he instinctively tightened his arm around her. "I mean…I didn't tell him. Someone must have told him, because he came here and…"

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," the blonde shook her head. "He just…didn't take it well. Maybe if I had told him myself, he would have…taken it better." Inside, she knew all along it wouldn't have made even the slightest difference. If anything, it would have forced her to face her former friend's wrath first hand, *before* he was able to calm down. She wasn't looking forward to that at all.

"Things haven't been right for a while between you two," the vampire removed his arm from around the Slayer and folded his hands in his lap, casting his eyes down on them. "I think I had at least a part in that."

"Angel, stop," she looked up at him, taking one of his hands and pulling it into her lap. "It's between me and Xander, it has nothing to do with you. He just…" she looked away, "needs to grow up. Until he does…there really is nothing I can do about it."

"Right," the vampire smirked. "So now I'm also ruining years of friendship." He let go of Buffy's hand and stood up, striding over to the window and stopping there, with his back facing the Slayer. "Maybe…" he chuckled, realizing how many times they had been through this, but also knowing he would say it anyway. "Maybe it would have been better, if I…"

Buffy groaned and sharply stood up and walked up behind Angel. She, too, knew that that line was popping up on regular basis in conversations of that kind, which they used to have quite often. She put her two hands on his back and reposed her cheek in between them, sliding them down and under his arms, until her palms rested on his wide chest.

"I don't choose you over other things in my life because of you, Angel," she told him softly. "I do that because of me…and *for* me. I do that because it's important to me." She grabbed his arms and gently whirled him around to face her. "Because *you're* important to me. Because I love you," she reached her hand to his cheek and made him look at her, "and I'm not letting you go because my friend doesn't approve of our relationship, or of you, for that matter. Xander doesn't live my life, I do. And as valuable as his opinion is to me…you're more valuable."

He gave her a long look, his eyes, full with their usual softness, also full with tender compassion, as he didn't know what to say. Him telling her she would have been better without him in her life and her convincing him she wouldn't have was a routine in their daily existence, and had already been more than just played out by both of them until they almost knew their lines by heart. Nevertheless, there was rarely a time when they had a conversation about a bad aspect in her life and the subject hadn't been brought up by him and driven out by her. They had never talked this subject to the fullest, because both knew it was impossible. Buffy knew she would never be able to dispel the feeling of unworthiness out of her lover's heart, until he didn't do it himself, no matter what she said. And Angel…he simply couldn't do it.

"Can we now change the subject, please?" his girlfriend's voice drew his attention back to her.

Angel's eyes held within them the question of what was it that she *did* want to talk about, since parting with one of her two best friends certainly wasn't it. Her eyes were soon to supply the answer, and suddenly all the things he had memorized he would say when they would have *that* talk slipped out of his head. The only thing he could hope for was that he wouldn't spill something wrong this time as well, thereby ruining everything *again*.

"You said we'd talk," Buffy went on, sitting down on the bed and silently inviting her boyfriend to join her. "I, for one, don't see a reason why we should postpone it."

He sat down next to her and let out a strained sigh. "I think…I think it's something we should have talked about…*thought* about…both, before making a decision. You never brought it up…"

"Angel, come on," she interrupted him, unable to hear it anymore, because the tone of his voice alone reflected how he was striving to dig up all the excuses he had ever used or thought of. "This is old, okay? It didn't *need* to be brought up, all right? It had been floating above us for *months*, weeks, at least! We had both known it was coming, it's just that none of us had gotten the guts to say it until I did. There's no place for any of your excuses here, Angel, at least, because I know them all by heart and I have an answer ready for each and every one of them. It's either 'yes', or 'no', and if it's a 'no', it'll better be a darn good 'no'." Her eyes glared at him, forcing him into an instant decision, leaving all further excuses out of the question for this discussion, making it clear she wouldn't have any.

"What about your mother?" Angel suggested quietly, gazing up at her. "What is she gonna say about that?"

"It's my mother now?" Buffy gave him a look, arching a brow.

He shook his head. "Buffy, your mom doesn't even know I'm…back," he winced slightly, averting his gaze for a moment. "How do you think she's gonna take it? You'll have a lot of explaining to do. I'm guessing that when you tell her you want to move out, she'll ask where."

"I'll tell her where," the Slayer replied resolutely. "It's my life, Angel, and I think I made it pretty clear the first time she kicked me out and I actually *left*."

"*This* is the argument you're gonna bring up?" Angel chuckled, somewhat mockingly. "This is gonna be very mature of you," he remarked.

"Well, if I'm that immature, maybe moving in with me really isn't such a good idea!" she exclaimed in return. "I mean, hey, wanting to move in with my boyfriend is the *embodiment* of being immature." She paused, then held up her hand, indicating she was tired of the direction their conversation had taken so far. "Just answer this, Angel. Do you *want* us to live together? This is the only thing I wanna know. Because I'm *not* dropping the subject until you answer that. If what you wanted was time to think, or something like that, I would give you all the time in the world, because like you said, this is very important to us, and the last thing I want is for this to happen because I forced it on you. But this is *not* what you want. And I'm *not* playing along with your reasons."

Angel gazed at her for a long moment, not saying anything, then looked down on her small hands and took one of them between his two larger ones, gently stroking the upside of her palm with his thumb and not tearing his eyes from it. "You know I want to," he whispered.

Buffy swallowed, covering his palm with her other one and waiting until he willingly looked up. "Then shouldn't it be enough?"

The vampire drew in a deep breath. "I'm just…I'm a afraid that…"

"Afraid that what?" she probed gently.

"That I'll destroy the only good thing in my life because of a one wrong decision," he murmured, keeping his eyes focused on the silver ring on his finger.

The Slayer sighed, reaching out her hand to brush away the fresh tears that had appeared in the corners of his eyes. "It'll never happen," she promised him softly, her voice, too, hoarse with tears, because she, as well, was handling the same fears on daily basis. However, living through these fears was up to her only, because, unlike her, Angel was unable to let go of them for even one minute to make a life-changing decision. And that didn't only leave the part of making these decisions on her, but also the part of convincing him he was worthy, and *permitted* to go along with them.

"Let's just…let's settle for this," she spoke again, causing him to look back up into her eyes. "I won't mention it…at all…until Christmas. We'll make it your way. But I will talk to mom, and Giles, and I'll tell them about it…tell them what I want to do. And…on Christmas, when I'll come to you, you'll just tell me if you want me to stay. Okay?" she took a moment to search his eyes for a nonverbal response, preferably, the one she wanted to hear. In spite of her giving up her former approach, she was still a bit unsure he was going to give it to her.

Angel moistened his lips and swallowed. "All right," he finally nodded, accepting her offer.

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