Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters I used, except for Eliza and the two Hell guys. The rest of the characters and also some quotes I used are all belong to Joss, WB, Mutant Enemy, and etc. I take no credit for them; neither I do for any of the songs.
"Why Can't I Wake Up With You" belongs to "Take That".
Spoilers: It takes place about half a year after Buffy splits Sunnydale because of killing Angel. Which automatically means she doesn't return home right after the Hell incident. She stays in LA, because she feels that she's not ready to go back. I guess it's a little from both seasons 1&2.
Summary: Buffy is in LA. She misses Angel and is being eaten by the blame for killing the only man she loved. She meets a mysterious old woman that tells her she can change things for the best.
AN: I'm having severe issues with the way Joss handled everything Hell-related, and I know I'm not the only one. I HAD to write a fic about the way I think Angel and Buffy would really react to that, because the swift recovering of Joss-verse is hardly convincing (anyone). I so don't think it went down like that. Imagine, people - (1) - I killed the only man I love and I gotta live with it for the rest of my life, and - (2) - I've been in Hell for centuries, which literally drove me to the point of insanity.
Now, Joss-verse - a month (two at most) and we both feel great! Everybody's happy!
My verse - read!:)
Feedback: I want it!

Buffy snuggled in Angel's arms. They were in his bed. In his old apartment, both naked.

"I love you." She whispered to him.

Angel didn't reply. He let go of her and sat up. "Really?" He asked simply.

Buffy sat beside him. "I love you." She repeated, as if it was something obvious he should have known. "It's easy for me to tell you how I feel."

He didn't answer for a short while. "You…feel?" Angel stood up and got out of the bed, standing in front of her. All of a sudden there was a sword in his hand. "You can feel?" He asked with contempt.

A look of horror appeared in Buffy's eyes.

Angel rose the sword's point near Buffy's throat. The sneer was still on his face. "You want to feel so much?" He queried huskily. "Well, feel this!"

Buffy didn't even manage to budge, before he impaled the sword through his stomach. "Angel!" Buffy cried in horror.

He laughed. "Feels good, doesn't it?" He pulled the sword out and looked at his laceration. It was bleeding. "Oops…" He smiled. The fake innocence in his smile scared Buffy even more. "I guess that would be a tough one to heal." He clutched Buffy's hands behind her back, so that she couldn't move.

"Angel, I'm sorry…" She sobbed. "I love you, Angel. I didn't have a choice…I'm sorry."

He merely laughed. "Sorry. That's nice. Well, in that case, you won't be mad now, cuz, you know…I'm sorry too." Saying that, he transfixed her.

Screaming, Buffy woke up.

It was like this, repeatedly, night after night. The nightmares were coming, and there was nowhere to escape. Nowhere to flee from the culpability and the blame. The hollowness that was left in her heart after he was gone, and the loss, were irreparable. Most importantly - the guilt. The guilt for killing the one man she would ever love. For sending him to Hell, betraying his unconditional love and trust. Dooming years of anguish on both of them. Flashbacks of Angel, holding her close in his arms - Angel closing his eyes - The sword being driven through him - Angel's hurt and stunned expression as he's being swallowed by the vortex into Hell...Angel's gone.

I hear you call me
You call me
You call me
I'm so willing to call back
I hear you thinking
You thinking
You thinking
I hope you hear me thinking too

It wasn't enough that she hated herself, thinking if she could play false with someone who shared her love and trust so completely, why would she deserve to even be alive? But there also were the unstopping nightmares. Nightmares in which Angel blamed her for his murder. If blaming herself was unbearable, so having Angel blaming her as well was even worse. If worse was possible. She peered out of the window. At night, the city looked so calm. So innocuous. She could almost feel safe; if she didn't know what's really going on as the night falls down. Buffy had been to LA for almost six months now. She didn't really know anymore why she left Sunnydale in the first place. She didn't think about reasons back then. Actually, she knew why. She wanted to escape what she had done; knowing it was stupid to think that by moving to another place she would be able to leave Angel behind. She was a fool. It only became harder. Only now she didn't want to come back anymore. She didn't want to face everyone and everything she knew she would have to once she returned. Without him.

Why can't I wake up with you?
Why can't I wake up with you?
See you there when I open my eyes
There when I open my eyes
Baby, why can't I wake up with you?
Baby, why can't I wake up with you?
You're my life
My love

As Buffy glanced at her nightstand, she saw a piece of paper with an address on it. She recalled how she got it. She remembered the exact events that took place that night. It was a couple of months after she had returned from Hell. She was walking home, after finishing a nightshift at the diner when she met her. An old woman. She had a sweet face, caring.

She approached Buffy and immediately introduced herself.

"My name is Eliza." She said in an amiable tone. "I can help you."

Buffy wasn't so nice at first. "I don't need anyone's help." She snapped at her.

"I disagree." Eliza insisted calmly.

Buffy turned to her. It was obvious to her even then that the old lady wouldn't just leave her alone. "What do you mean?" She asked.

"You need help." She put her palm lovingly on Buffy's. "You're lost, child. I can help you find your way. Come to me, and I'll help you."

The cryptic became annoying to Buffy. Besides, that alarmed her. It reminded her of Ken. "I don't need this again." She said and kept walking.

"He's lost too." Eliza called after Buffy.

Buffy halted her walk instantly and revolved. "What?" She asked.

"He's lost too." Eliza repeated tenderly. She proceeded towards Buffy. "After what you went through, you have troubles trusting me. That's understandable. Yet, I'm not like them. I promise you. I can help. I know what you're going through. The blame, the regret and the misery. It destroys you, slowly, and does not give you repose."

"How do you know?" Buffy still wasn't sure whether to trust her or not. She looked harmless, yet…so did Ken. At first...

Eliza placed a piece of paper in Buffy's hand. "Come to me." She smiled. "Come to me any time you feel you're ready to face it. I'll be there." Then she disappeared.

Buffy held the address in her hand now, she'd been looking at it for a while, pondering whether or not to come. It'd been a few weeks since then, and she still hadn't decided what to do with it, although she couldn't bring herself to throw it away. But now she thought...*Tonight is the night. Tonight - I'll go.* The old lady looked so sweet. Her eyes were so peaceful and favorable. Buffy really felt as if she could trust her. There was another reason too. She really really needed to talk to someone. She needed someone to feel sympathy, or at least hear what she had to say, without calling the man she loved a murderer and a monster. She had just answered her question why was it that she didn't stay home…

So good to be near you
So good to be near you
So dark when you walk from my side
Baby, why can't I wake up with you?
You my life
You my life
You my life

It was almost 3:00am. Her clock was never on time so she couldn't know for sure. Nevertheless, Eliza said to come anytime, and she wanted so badly to stop these nightmares, everything she'd been going through. Now that she was resolved about it, Buffy felt that if she waited a little longer she wouldn't be able to go anymore. Anyway, what could possibly happen? The least she could do was to hear what she had to say. It wouldn't do her any harm, would it?

---------------------

"I knew you'd come. I don't just approach people on the street, I recognize those who really need me. People with real problems, who are lost and melancholy and don't know where to refer for help. These people are always sure to come. And they always obtain the help they long for." Eliza gestured towards a black rug in the middle of the room. "Come." She invited Buffy there. "Sit."

Buffy peered around the room. She couldn't discern any further furniture or anything, for that matter, because it was too dark, and seemed too small to contain anything else. There were no lights, but a single candle at the middle of the rug. Buffy headed there and perched on one side of the carpet. Eliza settled in front of her, having the candle between them.

"So…what, are you gonna read my fortune now?" Buffy made a lousy attempt to turn it all into a joke.

Eliza merely smiled weakly and looked deep into Buffy's eyes. "Don't try to make a crying heart laugh." She said softly. "It doesn't help. It only stresses the pain."

Buffy's expression saddened.

"I'm not a fortuneteller." Eliza continued. "I take no money for what I do. Neither I try to see people's future. I don't believe anyone deserves to know what will happen before it does. Everything that happens, happens for a reason."

Buffy gave her a confused gaze. "Everything?"

"Everything." She placed her hand on Buffy's cheek. "Don't look at me." She advised. "Concentrate on the flame. It relaxes. It makes it easier…to talk…to cry."

Buffy obeyed and lowered her eyes to the candle's flame.

"You feel guilty." Eliza observed. Buffy tuned in as she began to speak. "For something that wasn't your fault. It's not you to blame. You had no choice. Never forget that. Say it. Say it's not your fault."

"It's not my fault." Buffy mumbled. *I wish I could believe that.* She added to herself.

"With the time you will." Eliza replied. "Angel. His name is Angel."

"Is?…"

"Is. His name is Angel. He's the reason for all this. Tell me about him."

Buffy swallowed, and fastened his jacket around her body. Her orbs practically bored the flame in an attempt to remain dry. "He was…"

"He IS." Eliza declared firmly, yet softly. "He is."

Buffy wasn't sure she could talk about Angel as if he were still alive. It was harder than talking about him as if he weren't. "He is...my life. The only one I ever truly loved. He…completes me. He is my heart…and my soul."

"You - a Slayer. You're in love with him. With a vampire. Tell me about him as a vampire."

"He…he was turned somewhere around the seventeenth hundred. By…I forgot her name."

"Darla."

Buffy nodded in agreement. "Why do you need me to tell you? You already know everything."

"I want to hear YOU talk about him."

"He'd been a vicious murderer in his first one hundred years or so, known to the world as 'Angelus'."

"The vampire with the angelic face."

"But this is not the person…I love. I just…I don't care what he had done back then."

"Tell me what made him into the person you love, then."

"Once, Angelus drank off a Romany girl. The elders punished him. They restored his soul. He's been destined to a life of pain, misery, and regret for the rest of his eternal existence. To carry the guilt for his former crimes, not to be able to forget the faces of his victims…"

"Like you. You can't forget his face. His expression once you stabbed him."

Say goodbye to not knowing when
The truth of my whole life began
Say goodbye to not knowing how to cry

A tear escaped Buffy's eye, but she continued. "The curse was stipulated. He'll maintain his soul, being the most loving, caring, and compassionate person, up until he experiences one moment of true happiness. This is to lift his curse and make him again the man he was before. He shared this moment of true happiness…with me. I turned him back. It happened on my seventeenth birthday. Since then he was…a monster. And I still loved him. I couldn't kill him. I let him kill and torture more and more people only because I couldn't make myself kill him. I guess I couldn't let go the believing that one day…this nightmare will be over, and I will regain my Angel back. I was naive, wasn't I?"

"No. It was expected for you to act like this. You truly loved him. So did he. Tell me you didn't notice he couldn't kill you as well. He convinced himself he hated you. But even as a monster, he couldn't kill the woman he loved. And he had his chances. Lots of them. So did you, but you just couldn't go through with it. It was beyond your power to kill each other. No matter how on the outside you hated, inside…you always loved."

And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
And I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember

"But then he was about to open a vortex to Hell. I knew that there could be no more games. If I didn't stop him, he'd destroy the world. I was a Slayer. I never hated my destiny more than then."

"Willow, a young witch." Eliza prompted.

"Yeah. My best friend. Only she could replicate the curse that restored his soul. Apparently she did so, because right when I was about to finish him off…he turned back. I don't know why she hasn't told me she was going to try again. If she had, perhaps I would have…"

"But she had. She asked your other friend, Xander, to tell you. He was the one who chose to keep you in the dark."

Buffy's astonishment and disappointment were blunt in her eyes as she beheld Eliza again. She felt so betrayed. Her best friend turned out to be the primary cause for the murder of her love. He hadn't been the one on her mind now, though. "He held me…" Buffy began to cry. "He held me so tight, and he kissed me, and said he loved me…and I killed him."

"And now it doesn't go away. It agonizes you. Practically kills you from the inside. You can't live with yourself because of the blame. You can't stop accusing yourself."

"I have nightmares…"

"Oh, yes. The terrible nightmares. The pain…of not only blaming yourself, but also the thought about HIM blaming you. It's unbearable for you. You still love him. You love him so deeply. In a kind of love that never dies. Never forgotten. It afflicts you so much…the idea of him blaming you."

"Why can't I stop that?"

"It almost drives you crazy, doesn't it? No. You can't stop that. You'll never be able to. What bothers you the most…it's not the kill itself."

Buffy gave her a surprised gaze.

"What bothers you the most is the feeling of betrayal. You broke his trust. He trusted you, and he loved you, and you killed him."

"Yeah..." Buffy whispered.

And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
And I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

"You won't be able to redeem yourself. Never. Not until you face it and fix what you've done. You have done nothing wrong, but your soul is what hankers for the expiation. It's in your power to forestall the life of suffering you're gradually building for yourself. Hold on only to the happiness and the joy. To be with him like you always wanted to, to have your Angel back the way he really is. The man you remember; the man you love. Don't sink into the tribulation. You will never find your way to surface. You have a choice here. The power to repair everything is in your hands. Tell me if there is something you want more than to hold him once again in your arms. Is there?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's in your power. To find peace for both of you, in each other's arms."

"How can I find peace for us?!" Buffy wailed. "He's DEAD! I'm the one who killed him!"

"You have a demon inside you. It feeds of your guilt. Do not yield to it. You have to face it. Face the moments you fear most."

"I can't."

"You must. Face the moment when you tell him to close his eyes, he's crying…"

"I can't…"

"You drive the sword through him. The astonished and shattered mien in his eyes as he watches you in disbelieve. He whispers your name…a second before he's gone."

"I can't do this." Buffy was about to stand up and leave when she suddenly froze.

I learned to let go
Of the elusion that we can posses
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember

"He's alive." Eliza imparted.

It returned Buffy right back to her previous place.

"He's alive." Eliza continued smiling. "You didn't kill him."

Buffy looked incoherent. "What?" She asked hesitantly.

Eliza kept smiling. "Angel isn't dead. You sent him to Hell. You didn't KILL him. After two years of slaying, you of all people should know that a vampire cannot be killed by a sword through the stomach."

Buffy began to relax.

"You've been to Hell." She proceeded. "You know how it is there. Time runs quicker there than in our dimension. One day here…"

"Is a hundred years there."

"Precisely. He's been there for centuries now."

"Tortured in Hell…for centuries. Because of me. You know…" Buffy smirked. "As ironic as it is, I think that in this point we'd both agree it would have been better for him if I'd killed him."

"I don't think so. I don't believe YOU really believe that. It is right though; he's being tortured. Life in there…is no life at all. He's suffering. Yet he comes through all that. He keeps fighting. One thing holds him strong enough to endure all that is being done to him and keep going. Your name. The only thing he remembers, therefore he holds on to it."

"He…doesn't remember me?" Her heart felt more broken than before.

No, I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why

"He doesn't remember anything or anyone. You know how it is. They make you forget everything. Excruciate you in implausible means, until they make you believe you're no one. They couldn't make him forget your name. He even forgot you, forgot himself, but not your name. He just couldn't…albeit all they did, so they gave up trying, having no choice but to let him hold on to that. He has an object buried. Something valuable to him. To both of you. It's the second half of you. They give him a few hours of rest every 24. They know that a dead person can't be killed with too much torment, but can be damaged. And besides, it is much more agonizing to inflict torture on a being after allowing them, even for a several hours, to nurture the hope that it's over. Therefore they let him rest...infrequently. Every time he's free, he takes it out and beholds it, trying to remember what it was and why it's so dear to him, but he can't."

"You say I can get him out of there? Tell me how."

"You will have to return there. Return to Hell. You will have five days to make him remember you. Make him remember your love...all you've shared. Make him Angel anew. He's no one now. He only knows the word 'Buffy'. He doesn't even know what 'Buffy' is. It's up to you to make him remember. Remember who he was. Who you were. The good things as well as the bad things. He must know it all. You've given five days. If you succeed, you'll be allowed to bring him back here with you, to stop his pain, as well as yours. To save him. This is a very rare opportunity. Not many people get the chance to bring their loved ones from the world of dead."

"How can I get…"

"I'll send you there. I can also make the time in this dimension accord the time there. But for merely five days. Now, you tell me. Do you think you can accept such a challenge? Do you think you can take it on yourself? This is a difficult decision. You mustn't undertake it lightly."

There was nothing but determination on Buffy's face. "Send me there. Now."

"You must be sure."

"Please, send me there." She pleaded. "I'll do anything to get him out of there."

Eliza nodded. "Remember, you're brave, but sometimes being brave is foolish. Sometimes it isn't enough. You wouldn't have much time, and I don't think you fully comprehend the earnestness of what you've taken on yourself. Remember one more thing. No one will know you're there. This how I can protect you for these five days. Only Angel will be able to see you. Then you'll return here, with or without him - it's entirely up to you. If your love is strong enough, he'll remember."

"I can do it. As long as he's with me…"

"But that is specifically the obstacle you're about to face. It ISN'T him anymore. It's not a person anymore. You'll understand what I mean once you'll lay eyes on him. It's an empty shell. You have to fill it with memories and with feelings - with life."

"Please." Buffy was settled on it.

"Close your eyes." Eliza whispered and reposed her palm on Buffy's brow. As she did so, a white flash of light whackedher.

--------------------

She woke up in a cage. Everything around her was dark, cold, and dank. She felt a weak stream of icy cold water leaking down from the wrecked ceiling on top of her hand. She set up and looked around again. It literally was Hell. She couldn't imagine someone surviving centuries in that. It made her shiver just from thinking about it. Buffy began to feel scared. Very scared. It wasn't like her to be afraid of such minorities, but she just couldn't help it. She almost regretted coming here, but then she recalled why she had. It gave her something to endure it for. Buffy knew she needed to get Angel out of there, and she wasn't going to leave until then.

Abruptly, she received a noise verging upon the cage. The noise was of chains rustling, which implied that someone was being dragged. She rushed to hide in the shadows, before she realized no one could see her. Still, she did it, because even if it was Angel who was approaching, she thought it would be for the best if she didn't reveal herself to him yet.

They came closer. Buffy was able to get a clearer view of them now. Two men. They looked very strong and substantial. They had human faces, as much as Buffy could see. *Probably masks*. She thought. They were clasping whips and batons in their hands, and harshly dragging someone after them. They approached the cell Buffy inhabited and unlocked it. They hurled the person inside and locked the gate again. After that, they simply rotated and strode off.

Buffy beheld the frame on the floor. Suddenly, he budged and started slowly standing up, leaning on the bars, having perceivable difficulty to remain on his feet. She couldn't see his exact lineaments because of the obscurity; she could only see the silhouette. But she didn't need more to perceive the so familiar frame of the one in front of her.

Buffy stirred in her hiding place, drawing his immediate attention. His advanced sight caught all of her and he leaped back in alarm and emitted a smarting shriek due to the abrasion of his back against the rusty grilles. Buffy approached closer, but as he minded that, he fled to where she'd just left. He sat there for what seemed to be forever, and all Buffy could do was to stay away, giving him time to adjust. She perched down on the floor; not drawing her eyes away from Angel's as he scrutinized hers.

"W...who…who are you?" He asked irresolutely.

Tears emerged in Buffy's eyes. She missed so much hearing his voice. She was only sorry he didn't remember…but it was why she's here for. To make him remember.

She strode closer to him. He no longer tried to skip out as she attained him. Buffy carefully stretched out her hand to touch him, and he shivered as it gently met his shoulder. She felt his tense muscles relaxing under the bruised skin. She mildly slid her palm down his arm, trying to prevent the tears from coming out.

Angel merely gawked at her.

Buffy perched in front of him and smiled. "Angel…" She whispered huskily. Not being able to restrain herself anymore, she threw her arms around him. "I missed you…" She sobbed.

He didn't respond. No moves, no words. He just froze still. He was too muddled to understand what had just happened. Thoughts flew in and out through his mind. Missed her? He didn't miss her. He didn't even know her. How could he hug back someone he didn't even know? How could he show affection to anyone when he forgot what affection was? He didn't remember.

I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
Deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had
Oh you gave me light
And I will remember you

A groan of pain uttered his lips as she touched his back. Buffy drew back in surprise to look at him. He only shrunk back, looking ashamed and hurt, like a wounded animal. Buffy looked down at her palm. It was soiled with blood. She rose her eyes back at Angel and he turned his back to her.

"Oh my God…" She hissed. Both fright and disbelief in her voice.

His back was fully scattered with welts, bites, lacerations and every other remnant of abuse they could possibly come up with on him. There were more new lesions than there were old ones. On top of that, the dirt made it visible that they had never been treated by anyone. Then again, why would they be? It wasn't like anyone actually cared about him. Buffy glanced at the rest of his body. It was bruised almost just as much. "Oh God…" She still hadn't reconciled with it. "Angel, what did they do to you?"

He didn't reply. He just looked away.

"I'm so sorry." She hugged him again. "Angel, I'm so sorry…"

He didn't react.

She rose her hand, seeking for the stream she knew had to be there. When she found it, she cupped her hands and filled them with water. Then she moistened Angel's back, feeling as he shivered every time the frost of the water met his sensitive skin. She repeated it for several times, in a pointless attempt to wash away the grime and the blood.

Buffy took off her jacket and wrapped it around Angel's shoulders. She grinned slightly, remembering how he once did the same thing to her. "Lie down." She said softly.

He looked at her in wonder. *Who is this strange girl? Why does she want anything to do with me? Why would she want to take care of me? No one has ever taken care of me…or maybe I just…don't remember?* Still, there's something about this girl. Light...love, and she spread them all around her, and he felt they all were meant for only him. She was gentle, caring. She cared about him. It was unusual in this place. In here, he's used to only getting hurt. She made him feel like she would never hurt him. Not deliberately, anyway. He obeyed and lay down, still embracing himself against the chill and the clamminess. Buffy looked at him sadly. He almost looked peaceful. She shuddered to the thought about what was truly going on inside of him. Even then she already knew it, that even when he would remember and regain the grip on his old self again, and the physical scars would heal, the mental scars made by centuries in this place would remain in him for all times. She lay beside him and protectively enfolded him in her arms.

Buffy felt like only couple of hours had passed until they were interrupted. Two men broke into the cage. Buffy wasn't sure whether they were the same from before. They grabbed Angel and violently pulled him out. Buffy stared at him, hindering the yearning to stop them and retrieve him back into her arms, make him feel safe again. She looked into his eyes, pleading for her to help him. His look hurt and betrayed once he saw she wasn't about to comply. A flashback of him being sucked into the vortex ran through her head again. She averted her eyes, crying.

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