Rating: umm...I'm thinking along the lines of PG...in the meantime. Who knows what the future might bring:).
Disclaimer: nope, last time I checked, nothing was mine.
Spoilers: well...better safe than sorry: everything up to the end of season 3 can be spoilery.
Synopsis: I have a strange drive to rewrite season 3 of BtVS. I just don't seem to like the way it ended...beats me why. Anyway, so despite the fact that the original plan was to begin with "Helpless" (that's around the time everything really started getting screwed up B/A-wise), as you can see, plan's changed and I'm going to start with "Anne". If you expect to find in this series events/quotes from the original season....I seriously mean it - I'll try my hardest keeping them to the very minimum. But all in all - it's probably a yet another attempt to end the season on a more "positive" B/A level. See how it goes:).
Pairing: the conventional ships: B/A, W/O, C/X. If I decide to torture any/all of them, you'll be the first to know:).
Distribution: ask first.
Feedback: please, yes, please.

Where do I put the shame?
It feels like a broken toy
I can't play with anymore
Where do I put the hate?
To a pixilated screen
I can't watch anymore

- Vast, "Here"

****

It took Willow several minutes, several minutes in which neither she, nor Buffy dared to even stir, to recover her voice, but eventually, she managed to squeeze the necessary words out. "What…was that?"

The Slayer gawked at her, not knowing what to answer. On one hand, under no circumstances could she leave Willow alone, given the possibility the girl might find out about the newly-revived vampire in the adjacent room, while on the other hand, she was barely able to restrain herself from *flying* to the bedroom to check on said vampire.

"What was that?" Willow repeated the question, her green eyes boring into the blonde's, her intense gaze postulating an instant reply.

"Go," was all Buffy was able to utter at that point, inwardly being even more torn between keeping her friend out of the bedroom and dashing into it.

Willow shot her a look. "No!" she refused, her voice reflecting the utter disbelief that the Slayer could even ask her to do such a thing, and presume she would oblige. "No," she repeated sternly. "I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on!"

"Willow, I beg you," Buffy's eyes were starting to water. "There are things I can't possibly tell you, things you can't know, please accept that, for now…"

"For *now*?! *Things* you can't tell me?!" the redhead exclaimed, wide-eyed, her tone loaded with astonishment and hurt. "Is there anything at all you *do* tell me?!"

"Will, not now-"

"Not now?!" she wouldn't even let the Slayer finish her sentence. "How about, not *ever*? I'm done with waiting, I killed *months*, waiting," the girl drew in a breath to compose herself, and sedated her tone for the upcoming words. Her untypical boldness bewildered herself the most. Apparently, she was a lot more upset than she had ever imagined. "I need you to talk to me," she requested gently, her own eyes tearing up, reaching her hand for the blonde's shoulder, as the latter flinched from her touch. "Who is in that room, why can't you let me…"

But Buffy hadn't heard at least the last phrase that came out of her friend's mouth, due to more and more of her attention being utterly drawn to the gradually illuminated room. Her frantic eyes started widening in realization as she stared at the growing pool of sunlight peeking from the bedroom, and before she couldn't take it any longer, darted into the room.

****

"Get back!" the Slayer yelled to the vampire, whom she grabbed by the arm a moment later and pulled out of the sunlight's reach into the safety of shadows, just before his skin started to flame.

Angel soon lost his balance, after she had let go of him temporarily to pull back the dark curtains over the large window, and wordlessly tumbled to his knees, breaking his complete fall with his palms.

Buffy rushed over to him, and gently stood him up, holding him by the shoulders, while her eyes briefly scanned his body for any possible burns. To her relief, she found only slight ones, that indicated he hadn't been exposed to the sun for a long enough period.

She silently walked him back to the bed, and seated him on it, letting go of him just as she felt her hands begin to tremble. She inhaled a deep breath, and closed her eyes, clutching them into fists, as she sat down next to Angel.

"Why did you do that?" Buffy asked, as soon as she was fully convinced her voice wouldn't break in mid sentence. "Why?" she whispered, her voice begged for a judicious reason, *any* reason, though she herself could think of none. And the only possible reason, she couldn't bring herself to even ponder.

The vampire lay down, turning his back to her, not saying a word.

Buffy bit her lower lip, then turned to look at his face. When she did, she descried silent tears emerging from the corners of his open eyes.

She sighed, averting her gaze momentarily, taking several moments to contain her restive emotions. When she rotated to look at him again, she reached out a shaky hand, and started gently brushing away his tears with her fingertips. "Please," she implored helplessly, "I beg you," she retrieved a comforter with one hand and pulled it over him, leaning down to place a soft kiss on his exposed, slightly quivering shoulder that caused her to shiver as well, before letting go. "I'm not ready to lose you," she whispered softly, and planted another kiss in his hair, smoothing it back with her palm.

Then she sat up straight and gazed at him for a few moments in complete silence from them both, her heart awaiting for any kind of verbal reaction from him, but also knowing none would follow.

Finally, the Slayer sighed, and rose to her feet. Motioning with one hand for the astounded Willow to follow, and wiping her eyes with the other, she quietly exited the room.

****

As soon as the two girls were outside the bedroom, the Slayer released a breath, and inclined her back on the nearest wall, helplessly sliding down to the floor. She closed her eyes tiredly, and pulled her knees to her chest, enclosing them loosely with her arms. Then she buried her face in her knees.

Willow swallowed, and breathed nervously, she cautiously approached Buffy, and after a short hesitation, perched down on the floor next to her. She averted her eyes briefly, as if feeling somewhat inapt, but then she fully rotated to the Slayer, and gently wrapped her arms around her best friends, instantly feeling her tears soaking through her shirt.

Buffy wound her arms around the redhead, her stifled violent sobs getting worse by the second, being it the first time she had the chance to release everything that had been oppressing and afflicting her for months, and mainly for the past hours.

And it happened in the arms of her best friend.

Buffy felt Willow's embrace tighten around her, an allowed herself to fall apart even more freely, all the while knowing she would be held, and she had never been so grateful in her life.

****

"And you have no idea how it happened?" Willow inquired, when, approximately two hours later, the two girls were seated legs-crossed on the floor of the mansion, right next to the entrance to the bedroom, so that Buffy could watch Angel the entire time. Granted, they had to whisper in order not to wake him up, but both girls had very quickly reached the conclusion it was preferable over having the vampire experiencing another nightmare like the one that had obviously induced the earlier cry without the Slayer being there, or worse - burst into flames.

Buffy shook her head. "Whistler told me I needed to forgive him. Just that – to forgive him, and that would bring him back. And I thought I had, I thought I…"

"I know," Willow touched her hand tenderly.

"And then…just as I came to terms with the fact I still had a way to go before I would…" the blonde swallowed, stealing a gaze at the slumbering vampire, "forgive him, I…he came back."

"So maybe that's it," the redhead suggested, attempting to somehow analyze the entire situation. "Maybe what you needed was to understand that true forgiveness would take time."

Buffy smiled feebly.

"What is it?" her friend probed, also allowing herself a grin, even if merely for the fact she had just initiated even the smallest resemblance to a smile in the Slayer, which she had up to now thought to be impossible.

"Giles said that," Buffy revealed. "What you've just said…he told me the exact same thing."

"He knows?" Willow asked, her voice and expression mirroring her hurt.

Buffy shook her head. "Just about Whistler. I didn't have the time to tell him, and…" she sighed, "frankly, I don't think I can. At all, I mean," she looked her best friend in the eye, "I don't think I can ever tell him."

Willow nodded, in deceiving acceptance, as her next words were soon to confirm. "It's inevitable, you know." 'Ever' was too large a word.

"Yeah," Buffy nodded as well. "I know."

"And then there's your mom, and your life…"

The Slayer's head shot up, but before she could protest to either of the things mentioned, Willow touched her arm in an allaying gesture.

"I understand," she told her, "but…Buffy, your mom is going crazy right about now. Do you know that she called me at five in the morning to ask me where you were, and that I *still* haven't responded? What are you suggesting I'll say? What will *you* say?"

"I don't know," the blonde admitted quietly.

"Well, you better," her friend reproached her gently. "I'll cover for you for as long as I only can, I promise you," she swore, and Buffy could see the so familiar Willow-kindness sparkling in her eyes as she said these words, "but it's not enough. Even I can only do so much."

But Buffy wouldn't hear any of it, as much as she understood the truth in her best friend's words. "It'll have to be. I can't leave here for one second, and you know it. Maybe after three-four days, it'll change, but it's not even up for discussion at the moment."

"Buffy…" the redhead tried to protest, but to no avail.

"Willow, he tried to kill himself!" In the heat of her anxiety, Buffy raised her voice too much above whisper, causing Angel to moan in his sleep. The girls waited in complete silence for a couple of minutes, but he seemed to have remained fast asleep. 

"Maybe he didn't-"

"He *knew* what he was doing, Will," Buffy guessed what her friend had intended to suggest, "*that's* the problem. He knows that, and he understands that, and unless I'm not there to pull him back when the time comes, he won't even blink before burning himself down to ash!" she hissed, her voice cracking with tears and emotion. "I *don't* have the strength in me to see him die for the second time," she whispered.

Willow gazed at her tenderly. She could only begin to imagine what the Slayer must have been going through. She had thought she had met a wreck of a person, that morning back in the Summers' house, and she hadn't even realized how accurate that description was. And now, with Angel being back from the dead, her friend seemingly had, once again, a reason to live. She grasped at once Buffy's insight on things. If she helped him back to his former self, she would amend at least some of what she had done to him. It was that simple. She didn't have the heart to deprive that from Buffy. It was obvious her love for the ensouled vampire wasn't over. It would never be over between the two of them, no matter what happened, and Willow knew that, and had accepted it. If that undying and stubborn love was what was holding Buffy strong, if picking the man she loved up through his worst downfall was supplying her a reason, who was she to take that away from her?

"Will?" her thoughts were cut off by the Slayer's voice.

"Yeah?" she offered her a small apologetic smile.

"Thank you," Buffy said candidly.

"For what?" Willow didn't understand.

The Slayer grinned slightly. "For being you," she said softly.

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