Disclaimer…Do not own anyone and if they act the way they do I do not want to. Joss owns then of course.
Spoilers…S2 of Angel
Dedication…To myself and all others who still believe even in the face of such bad odds.
Feedback..If you want I would love it.
Distribution…If you want them, take them..

Oh the pain. I was so wrong and now when it might be too late I am going to lose my soul. What an idiot I have been these last 6 months. Where did I go wrong?   When did I lose sight of my goal?

She messed my head upside down and inside out and brought me to this. The pain is so devastating, and I feel so much despair.

How could I have let things get this bad? I thru away the friendships of good people, for this. Friendship that I have been searching for, for my whole life. How could I have been so blind?

“The pain won’t last, you will be Angelus so soon” she says.

The pain has eased but I still feel it in my being. I slowly stand up and lean against the broken door- frame. I am looking at this woman in front of me and wondering at the sadness it causes me.

She is smiling. This beautiful body that houses an evil demon! She is waiting the return of her evil lover. And for a moment while I was in pain I too thought he was back. But I look at her and smile sadly and take her hand. She is confused.

“What is it, what is wrong” her words tremble slightly.

“I am so sorry, so sorry I couldn’t save you when it looks like you have saved me”, I tell her as I kiss her fingertips.

“What do you mean, you are Angelus again, you can’t be sorry, no, no, I don’t accept this.

I made you happy and you should be evil again. You came to me willingly. I gave you everything. I felt it, you were with me the whole way.” The last was shouted in my face.

But it was not happiness. How could you give me happiness? You do not even know me. You knew angelus but not me, Angel. You do not even realize what makes me happy. You had what I want. To be human! To live out my life and die! That is what I want! I want to be good. To matter! To help people!”

“We could have been together forever. I do not understand how you do not want that to. I thought you did, and that is why you gave yourself to me” she almost sobs.

“I was at the end of my rope, I thought it was over so I wanted to lose whatever it is that makes me care, makes me feel, makes me love. I was wrong. I wanted to find the true path again and because of you, in some part, I think I am back on  track” I tell her.

“What now, what do I do now”.  she asks in a lost voice.

“Just go, and leave town cause the next time I see you I will kill you”, My voice grows stronger with every word.

I suddenly remember, there is somewhere I have to be, someone I have to help. ”Kate”

I turn away from my sire and walk away without a backward glance. I am done with her. I have resolved any lingering feelings I ever had for her and the book is closed. The next time I will be able to kill her without any regrets.

I am back on track and I head over to Kate to see if I am not to late.

She is not answering so I break down the door and find her on the floor unconscious. I have her under the shower and at last she starts coughing and I know she is going to be alright.  So why am I feeling that pain and despair again? When Kate is dry again she tells me to leave. I go to the one place I might get some answers.

My emotions are in tatters and I do not really understand it. I am not obsessing over Darla anymore and I know, kind of, what I have to do, so why this lingering pain I feel throughout my whole being? I cannot lose my soul now, can I?

The host answers the door and makes some smart, truthful remark. We talk and he tells me I better hurry if I want to make up with my friends because they just might die very soon.

I run out the door and am on my way to Cordelia when I realize the pain is still with me and I forgot to ask the host what it means. It will have to wait.

Cordy is not home so I head over to Wesley. Got there just in time to kill the demons who are after him.

It is so good to see him but I know it is going to take some time till we are  okay . We head over to their offices and Gunn shows up and we realize where cordy is going  and we race over to get her.

I am scared for her, for all of us. I want to have my friends back but whatever I am saying is not scoring me any points.

To cut a long story short, the demons are coming from everywhere so I send the others to Cordy and stop to handle these demons on my own.

They suddenly disperse and I am run over by a truck driven by none other than Lindsay. I still do not know why there is an ache in the region of my heart (if I had one) but soon there is so much pain everywhere else so for the moment I put it aside.

I am done with Lindsay and go and help my friends.

We all get out of this scrape alive and they go one way and I go home alone.

It is morning now and I am going to ask for forgiveness from my friends or at least I hope they will be again.

We are back at the hotel offices now and things are starting to settle into a good pattern but there is still this pain I am feeling. I don’t know what it can be. All the other wounds have healed and I am nearly 100% okay.

The pain is intense, not truly physical, but it seems to be at the centre of my being. So much despair. It can’t be me because I truly feel good about my direction once more.

Who can be feeling so much pain, so much anger, rage, despair, loneliness?

I stumble under the weight of so much emotion.

“Angel” Cordelia screams for Wesley and Gunn to help. They hold me up and are frantic to know what is going on.  “Angel, tell us what is wrong”. Wesley pleads.

I look up at them all. I have worked out of course whose pain I have been feeling since I woke up next to Darla. And now that I know where the pain is coming from I am feeling despair. I utter one word. ”Buffy”.

Go to the next story My Hearts Ease

Send feedback to Sara-Lee

Back to the Fanfiction Archive