Disclaimer…Joss & Co own them all but I want to thank him for all the wonderful characters he has created.. Now if only he would learn the right way to treat them.
Spoilers. Season 5 BTVS and Angel Season 2
Dedicated.. To Lisa who demanded more.. And to all the die hard believers out there.
Feedback.. If you want to I would love it.

Despair, pain, rage, loneliness, utter helplessness!

Everyone wants to help me but how can they take away any of those feelings. How can they make it better?

My mother is dead and she is not coming back no matter how much I wish for it, no matter what magic they all know. There is not a single solitary thing that can give my mother back to me.

After everything I have done to save the world they take my mother. Just goes to show.  Garbage happens, no matter how good you are being, no matter what good you are doing for other people. I want to stop it all. I want to stop doing good! But then I remember what my Mom taught me and I know I cannot just stop.

There are things to take care of and so I will get thru this and take care of everything and especially Dawn cause I remember the promise I made.

It is ironic that I made Mom that promise when I thought she was going to die.  Promised to love and take care of Dawn no matter what.

Well, the what just happened, and it was not supposed to.

She was fine, she was going out on a date, she was looking so pretty, she was  joking about sex, she was my Mom.. She was not supposed to die.

But when did that stop anything from going wrong?

Maybe if I just pretend to be getting thru this.

Maybe they will all leave me alone.

Stop telling me to eat, to sleep, to cry, and to keep on going.

How can I do all those things when my Mom will never do any of those things again?

How can I go on living when she is dead?

Dead..  Dead… Dead… Dead  Dead  Dead  Dead

Despair, pain, rage, loneliness!

I am just so full of those emotions and they think I am not feeling anything at all.

They think I have closed myself off. How can I? I would have to be dead to not feel anything.

But there is something worse than feeling all those emotions! I am feeling something that I do not understand.  And I know it cannot have anything to do with my Mom because deep inside I feel elation and joy and I am feeling so terrible because I can not seem to stop that feeling. How can I feel that when my whole being is filled with the utmost despair?

If Riley were here would he be able to help me? Would I be able to let go?

Would I be able to trust him with my deepest feelings and open up and let myself be comforted? I do not think so. Riley left, not for my happiness, but because I was not making him happy. I am not going to feel guilty about him any longer. He left when he could have stayed and we maybe could have fixed things. I do not want anything to happen to him but I also do not want him in my life anymore.

At least when Angel left, even though it nearly killed me, I knew he could not stay. He had my happiness foremost in his decision.. I did not like it but I also know it was what had to be.

I still do not like it and sometimes when I can’t stop myself I wish that he were here with me. That we had another chance!

Now when I am at my lowest I cannot stop the thoughts of my angel.

Do I still think of him that way?  Have I been fooling myself all this time we have been apart? I think, maybe yes.

And there it is again. Elation and joy! Where is it coming from?

They are all standing close to me and Dawn. A barrier against the pain!

It is a dreary day. I am glad. It is as if the sky knows how sad I am. I do not want it to rain though. I do not want the water to fill up in that hole and make it all muddy. I do not want it to be sunshine either.

That would be awful. How dare the sun shine when I am putting my Mommy in the ground.

I am putting my Mommy in the ground and it will be dark and she will be lonely and she will not be able to hear me calling for  her when they cover her up with dirt.

She will never answer when I call, ever again. How can I go on? How can my heart feel so much pain and still keep beating. Will anything bring me some ease?  How much time has to go past till the pain stops just a little?

The sky is very grey and there is no sun. At least I am not feeling that elation and joy anymore. I still wonder where that came from. Who it came from?

I am feeling a funny feeling all of a sudden. I am tingly all over and in the pit of my stomach I can feel a long forgotten feeling but it must be my body, and mind and heart,  playing  tricks on me.

How long can I stand here and watch them cover my Mommy up with dirt. I cannot see the box we put her in, anymore. It was a nice pretty box and we put her in a pretty dress and pretty shoes.

I feel so detached. I feel nothing. I feel like my heart is a block that will never know joy again. Is there anything, anyone out there who can give me, a  moments ease? If there is, please, God, send him to me. Please, God, show me that all is not lost. Show me that it will get better. I need a sign. I look up at the sky and silently pray. Please, I need something to give my heart ease. Please.

Then his arms surround my body and my whole being rejoices even while the tears run down my cheeks in a flood of emotion.

He has come. I did not dare dream that he would come but now that he is here and I am sobbing in his arms I know my prayers have been answered. Someone has sent me my hearts ease. My Angel.

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