Disclaimer…Joss owns them all
Spoilers….Up to the Body in Buffy season 5
Dedicated…to Lisa, Mariah, Zetta, Amanda, Fayyaad and Fay, Akegata, Jade, and all B/A lovers. And a special dedication to Jess.. Never give up.. There are rainbows after a storm.
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Two more hours! That isn’t long but it seems like forever just waiting for the clock to get to midnite. My hands are clammy and my stomach is in knots just thinking about it. What could he have to tell me that had to wait for 1 minute after midnite.  The beginning of Thanksgiving Day 2001! What could be so important that he could not tell me when we saw each other  2 weeks ago?

If I do not stop pacing I am going to wear a trail in the carpet and Cordelia will not be happy with me. Dennis pushing me into the chair, is a not subtle way of telling me to calm down. At least if Cordy were here I would have someone to talk to but she and Gunn are out celebrating and will be back to pick me up at 11:45pm and take me to the hotel.

They have strict instructions to just bring me to the hotel and leave. I want to be alone but that just makes me worry a bit why no-one else can be around. It is not as if we can get romantic and have a love-fest. Well at least those thoughts keep me busy for awhile. Sweet memories of that day so long ago on my 17th birthday.  It ended badly but that was the sweetest night of my life.

My Angel, I surely do love the sound of that. He is my Angel till the end of time.

But what a journey we have been on to get to this point in time. Oh the memories. Some good, and  too many not so good.

Was it only 6 months ago that I thought my world was coming to and end? Only 6 months since we covered my mommy over with dirt and stood before her grave.

My heart still aches for her. Still yearns to feel her kiss me goodnight just once more. I crave, to see her smiling face over the kitchen counter. To see her hug Dawn, and tell us girls to stop bickering, and be nice to each other. I would give anything, everything, to have her hold me and tell me she loves me. Sometimes the pain of her loss is crippling.

Sometimes I still think I hear her on the stair and if I listen hard enough I swear I hear that little noise she makes when she is sleeping. No-one knows I keep buying her favourite perfume and spray it around my room. It makes me feel like she is still in the house. It helps having Dawn to look after and all my friends around to hang out with. And dear Giles is such a sweety. I do not know what Dawn and I would do without him.

I know that I will always have this hole in my heart, which only my Mom can fill. She is never coming back but she is with me every day. For as long as I live she will be alive in my heart and I know that all my friends feel the same way. It is going to be okay. I tell myself that every day and there is one other person that helps me to deal with my loss. The one person that can make me believe in happy ever afters after all.

My Angel.

He came to be in my darkest hour when I felt total despair. I prayed for a sign and his arms surrounded me and the dark was once again pushed away to let the light in. The day we buried my mother was the saddest day of my life but by some miracle it turned out to be the best and happiest day as well. That sounds so wrong but that is exactly how it was. The memories are pouring into my mind and I thank whatever powers there are, for it. I am not going to dwell on the funeral. To much sadness.

It is what happened later that night that I want to remember. I am smiling cause I remember very well what happened. Oh my sweet Angel.

Everyone had gone home and Dawn was in bed asleep. Angel and I were in the kitchen sitting at the table.

I didn’t want to talk about my Mom anymore so Angel suggested we catch up with each other’s lives. I did not know if that was such a good idea because of all that had gone on the past 10 months. But I had forgotten how looking into those beautiful eyes could make me tell him everything. I started talking and found I was telling him all about my life, and all that went on with Riley, and Dawn being the key, and all about Glory, and it was as if  I really needed to tell him because when I finished I felt at peace.

I always did feel better just talking with him.

Then I told him it was his turn. His face fell and I wondered at what he was going to tell me. He grew so quiet and I thought he was not going to say anything. He looked so sad. I reached out to take his hand and he looked at me and with tears in his eyes he said, “ If I tell you, you may hate me.”

Now I was worried but I made him look at me. “ I might get angry but I will never hate you. Tell me please, I want to know, I want to help, Let me please be here for you like you have for me.” “Angel, tell me please.”

And then he started talking. And he talked for 2 hours straight. He told me about his life in LA. About the friends he has made and he told me about a prophecy. About  Shanshu. I just sat there in shock. He was waiting for me to be angry because he did not tell me sooner. I guess I was, but I just wrapped my arms around him and we both cried tears of joy knowing that one day our dearest desire would come true.

“And now things go from bad to worse.” he says. And what he told me after that totally threw me.

Darla alive and human, Darla coming to him in his dreams, and  trying  to send him over the edge, W&H and their plans to get Angel on their side, Angel singing( now that I want to see and meet the funny green guy). The tears were pouring down my face in torrents when he told me about the trial he endured to save Darla. I took his hands and held on for dear life. And I took him in my arms when he told me that Drucilla was brought in to change Darla back. I could feel his pain as if it were my own.

I did not think it could get worse but I was so wrong.

He told me he tried to kill her before she rose but his heart was not in it and I think I finally realized how he felt when he staked her to save me all those years ago.

He hung his head in shame when he described his obsession and it culminating in locking the lawyers in with Darla and Dru and I felt the pain of his despair for pushing his friends away. He described the dark place he was in and the final talk with the demon Holland, and then he stopped talking.

“Angel, what happened after that? Tell me.”

“I went home and found Darla waiting for me. I wanted it all to stop and so I took what she was offering and I put everything else aside. But someone must have been looking out for me cause when I woke up, it was like a light had been switched on and I found my path to be a bit tarnished but still in front of me. I told Darla to leave and then I went and helped Kate and made up with the guys. After I woke up beside Darla I had this feeling of despair and sadness and rage and loneliness. I knew it was not me feeling that. And then I just knew it was you and you needed me and here I am.” He finished, waiting for my reaction.

We sat there for the longest time in silence just looking at each other. I was trying to take it all in. I leant over and softly kissed him on the mouth.

“You survived, you came through in the end and did the right thing. That is all any of us can ever hope to do. I am proud of you.” I told him with total certainty.

“But tell me something.” I ask him

“Anything” he says.

“I have to know, if, any  time in the last day you have felt elation and joy and please don’t tell me it was when you were with Darla.” I finish in a whisper.

“How did you know I was feeling those very things after I came to my senses and realized I could still help people. That it was worth it. How did you know?” He asks looking me in the eyes.

“I could feel it but did not know where it came from.”

We looked at each other, both thinking the same thing. We still had a connection. He took me in his arms and kissed me, for real this time. I was so happy. We talked all night as he held me in his arms. And the reason that my worst day turned into the best day. My Angel came home to me that night. Whatever it took, this time we were going to make it work. My mother’s death showed us both that life can be too short and unpredictable. We have to take our happiness where we can. And we both were mature enough to admit that we were each other’s happiness and deserved the chance to keep it.

It has taken a lot of compromise and love and willpower and self control (loads of self control) but we are together and that is the way it is going to stay. I am going to be here when my loves gets his Shanshu.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

I come out of my musings. Cordy and Gunn are outside ready to take me to my love and I know that whatever he has planned I will love it. I run out to the car…

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