Disclaimer..All belongs to joss and co
Summary….Buffy writes in her diary after Into The Woods
Spoilers…From Into The Woods
Dedication…For anyone who believes that Buffy and Angel will be together
Feedback..If you want

Dear Diary,

It has been a very long time since I wrote any of my feelings down.

Gone. Another one. Gone with the wind. Pardon the pun. This one did not walk away from me. He flew. Advanced technology, next one will just say—beam me up Scotty.

Does that sound bitter? Well I am. Right at this moment I say let them all drown. The men that is. That is a line from some play I think.

I can hear you asking, why did I let this one get away? That is what Xander asked me.

So what is my answer?

Like I told Riley. This is me, this is the package. I thought I was giving my all to him and our relationship. Hey! I even ran after him. Tried to stop him from leaving.

That proves I was giving my all. That proves I was moving on. That proves that everyone was right.

I ran as fast as I could. I am the slayer so that is mighty fast.

So add all that up and you must have- Buffy loves Riley. Buffy must think he is number one guy. Buffy must think that he is the long haul guy, the forever guy.

But I was too late. He flew away anyway. He did not even look back. Just like the other one. I watch as they leave me behind. But hey, I ran after this one. He must be the one for me.

And I hear you say that must be true but what did you do then? Want me to tell you?

I walked home and then I cried. I cried over everyone for the next couple of weeks. I could not stop the tears. They would just overflow. I had no control.

And they all looked at me and thought - poor Buffy.

She must have loved Riley so much. I hope he comes back to her. Hope he comes back so Buffy can be happy. I know that is what they are thinking.

And the lie continues.

I do not even know any more why I let the lie go on. It is easier. It is less messy.

It makes for peaceful relations with all my friends. In my life where I have to fight every day, it is just easier to let them believe the lie. It was even easier to live the lie.

He was a nice guy. No denying that. He loved me. I even opened up and told him things I have not told anyone else. And for obvious reasons, I have shared things with Riley that I have not and could not share with anyone else.

You would think that them being my best friends and all, they would be able to see through me, see behind the façade.

But maybe it is easier for them as well. Believing the lie I mean.

Easier than confrontations!

Easier than end of the world feelings coming to the fore!

We live on the Hellmouth. We all want to live the lie, breathe the lie, talk the lie.

Because of our lives and dealing with what the hellmouth throws at us it is easier to live the lie than to live with the truth. I suppose that we will take the easy way if we can. Why not, after all? We face death every day. That is enough.

It is not their fault. They just followed my lead. They, because of me have been through so much that I guess I wanted to do something for them. So Buffy leads and the others follow.

I guess I thought that if I tried hard enough and they believed the lie than that would in turn make it believable for me. You know the premise that if you can see it,it must be real.

Do you know what the lie is? Want me to tell you?

I will tell you because it is time to live with the truth. I know I am strong enough to do that now. I was not before. It was to soon. I needed to grow up. Even though

I have been through so much in my short life. I needed to mature in all ways.

Buffy loves Riley. Riley is the man of her dreams. Buffy is devastated that he left her. Buffy wants Riley back. That is part and parcel of the lie.

The lie I have lived with for the last year. But no more!

The truth will set you free.

The truth will make you stronger.

And the truth is what? The truth has many veins all leading to the mother lode. Just imagine a silver mine.I will give you the mother lode first. Mainly because it has been so long since I said it or thought it.

Angel is my soulmate. Angel is my eternal lover. Angel has the other half of my Soul in his keeping. My blood sings as it pulses through my body. I feel complete just saying those words.

I am strong. The strongest I have ever been. The longest living slayer on record.

And I feel I am getting stronger every day.

Now I can deal with the truth. I understand why Angel had to leave me. I love to write his name down. Angel left for me and for himself. I know why we are so far apart at this moment in time. We needed this time apart to become the warriors we were meant to become. The warriors the world needs at the moment. Our lives are not our own and now I know I can handle that truth.

No more hiding for this slayer. I am only going to deal in truths from now on.

And everyone around me must be prepared to do the same. They will have to face the truth about my Angel and me.

I love them all dearly but they will have to accept what he means to me and to the world. What he has always meant to me and will always mean to me. I want them to know that I am the person and slayer I am today in part because of his being in my life.

No great declaration. No beating it into them. But at the end of the day they will

know what my truth is. That Angel is my truth. And he will always be the truth that sets me free

There is one thing I can only write down here. Mine alone to cherish.

A dream I had last night. It was a prophetic dream. A future happening. No matter that it was so farfetched and so unbelievable. I am the slayer. I know it is going to come to pass. I woke up and was filled with the most indescribable joy I have ever known.

What did I see?

I saw a woman celebrating her 60th birthday. She was full of Joie de vive even at that age. She was surrounded by family and friends. All her dearest friends and their families. Her mum and dad even though they were ancient were there. Her own children and grandchildren were playing in the front yard in her view. Her dear old friend and mentor was there with a book in his hand. So much like the old days.

But the thing that gave her the most joy. Her reason for living each day to the full.Was the man sitting beside her, holding her hand. He with the grey streaks in his thick dark hair and those cute wrinkles around his eyes. Looking at each other with the same intensity of love that they shared from the first moment, was her husband. He with the soulful eyes and I heard her say to him, I love you my Angel,.Always.

Go to the sequel, Dreams Fufilled

Send feedback to Sara-Lee

Back to the Fanfiction Archive