Disclaimer: I am neither Joss nor Nik so I own nothing except the plot.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None – my Buffyverse
Distribution: If you want it you can have it but please let me know.
Thanx: DB/SMG
Dedication: The Anti-Joss! It's good to have you back :-)
Author's Notes: I am sorry for those of you waiting for Destiny Corrected but I have hit a HUGE mental block. Normal service will be resumed as soon as inspiration strikes. In the meantime, this has been floating around my head for a bit so I gave in and put it on paper. Lyrics in Italics.
Summary: Buffy and Angel got back together. Angel got his redemption and the PTB's made him human but with his positive vampiric traits so that he could still be a warrior. Unfortunately Buffy came up against that demon that was just that little bit quicker than her and...
Angel's POV

Even though I think of you
Life goes on

It's been two years since you were taken from me. Twenty-four months. One hundred and four weeks. Seven hundred and thirty days to the day. Willow tells me that I dwell too much on the time issue; judging by the fact that I know exactly how many days it has been I guess she is right.

They say it gets easier. I want to know when. Because from where I'm standing it isn't any easier now than the day I saw you run through with a saber, if anything it is worse.

It took me over two hundred years to fall in love, I can't see it ever happening again. You were everything to me. That's not to say that we didn't have our ups and downs, hell we could argue with the best of them, but in the end we always came back to one another. Nothing was insurmountable. You taught me that, and it was a lesson I learned well.

Giles thinks that I should move on. I can see how uncomfortable he is when he comes round and I suppose in some ways I can understand why. Our house hasn't changed since the day you walked out of the front door for the final time. Your clothes still hang next to mine in the wardrobe; your personal items are still on the dressing table and in the bathroom. Some people would say I was living in a shrine, I prefer to think of it as a testament to you. It proves that you were here.

I keep your photograph in my attaché
Your eyes seem to follow me from day to day
I make the curtains sing and dance in my room
I'm sure I see your smile and smell your sweet perfume

It's at night when I really feel the loss. Every night without you is the same as the first. I curl up in our bed with my pillow cradled in my arms and I sob until I have to fight for breath. But it's also the time you come to me. I know everyone thinks I'm crazy when I tell them that, the first time it happened I thought I was, but I'm not.

It's your perfume, the scent of vanilla. Then the bed dips slightly under your weight. Two arms slide round me and kisses as soft as butterfly wings work their way down my back. I feel your warm breath and every nerve and fiber in my body goes into overdrive. I relax into your tender embrace but I do not dare to turn over for I know that if I do you will disappear. Every night you cradle me and caress me until I fall asleep, and in the morning you are gone.

My heart keeps me awake as loud as it beats
I'm sure I feel your skin between the warm silk sheets

It's ironic really, I fought so hard for my redemption and now I have it I don't want it. I wanted it for me but I also wanted it for us. Now you're gone there really doesn't seem much point in anything any more. The only thing I do do with a passion is slaying. I patrol alone; I don't want to have to watch anyone's back. Every vampire and demon I kill I do in your name. The new slayer Vanessa tried to step in once saying it was her job. She never tried again.

I want to be with you so much. Every night after patrol and before I head home I swing past your grave. I know that you aren't there but I have to check that no one has defiled your memory. And then I go home and wait for you to arrive. I think that the cemetery holds the most memories for me. It's where it all began for us, there and the alley by the Bronze. I don't go there anymore; I don't really go anywhere anymore.

When I'm awake or sleeping
When I've got things to do
Why does everything I see remind me of
(you)
Swept the broken years away just like a brand new broom
And there was only you there in the
(room)
Grows hazy and the people grow loud
I'm sure I hear your voice above the madding crowd

I don't know how much longer I can go on Baby. The pain grows every day and nothing I do, not even slaying, eases it. I think that maybe its time for me to go. I don't want to live with your memory; I want to be with you.

And sometimes your face is in everything I see
Forever with me
Sometimes our love is more than just a memory
And even though I think of you
Life goes on

Go to the next story Forever With Me

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