Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Sunnydale and all it's inhabitants. I'm just in town for a visit.
Distribution: If you want it, take it, but please let me know!
Summary: Buffy thinks about Riley and Angel.
Spoilers: Uh, Not too sure. Nothing too specific, except that Angel's left, living in LA, Buffy's with Riley and they have slept together. I think that's it.
Author's notes: Sorry for the angstiness. It's 2am, but I can't sleep, so my mood is a little affected. This fic is not related to Mirrored and Happiness. It's the first of a trilogy, which I can't think of a name for. Suggestions welcome. Buffy's POV By the way, I don't own 'Ain't No Sunshine', don't know who does, and It's only briefly mentioned anyway.
Feedback: Please!!!!!!! Also, while I'm here, thanks for the feedback for Mirrored and Happiness.

I settled down against Riley's chest, ignoring the whispers in my head that told me what I already knew;

This was wrong.

Riley wasn't Angel.

I closed my eyes tightly, trying to pretend that I was about to drift off to sleep in my soulmates arms.

I couldn't.

Riley wasn't Angel, and although it was silly, I resented him for it.

Resented him for his body heat, his warmth, his sweat;

Resented him for the reflection I knew he would have;

Resented him for the heartbeat that thudded in my ear, keeping me awake.

I snarled, angry at myself. Here, you have a nice, normal, sweet, *human* guy who loves you and you are angry at him for having a heartbeat? You're sick.

I couldn't help it.

Riley wasn't what I wanted.

Not what I needed.

I needed the fire that Angel provided. The burning in my soul, filling the world around me with light to guide me through the darkness.

Angel didn't get it.

He thought he brought me the darkness.

He didn't.

He banished it.

Now that he was gone.... there was nothing holding it back.

I could feel the blackness flooding in, tainting my soul and eating away at my sanity.

What was that song?

'Ain't no sunshine when he's gone...'

That what it was like.

When I walked through the brightness of a spring morning, the light seemed unnatural.

Artificial.

Like my relationship with Riley.

I looked over at his sleeping form, tears filling my eyes.

I could never show him my soul.

Never let him touch that part of me.

That big, important part of me.

Riley saw what I let him see.

And to tell the truth, that wasn't much.

His arm reached out in his slumber, snaking around my waist.

And I felt trapped.

My mind was screaming.

I was sinking even further into the darkness every time he touched me.

Every time his skin brushed mine it blemished my purity.

Everytime we had sex I caved in on myself, feeling dirty for letting another man touch me where only Angel should.

I squeezed my eyes shut, the tears burning behind my eyelids like acid.

I harnessed that pain, used it to break the hold my fear had over me.

Fear of being completely alone.

Fear of not being wanted.

Fear of being rejected.

I pushed the fear away, focussing on the pain.

The frustration.

The anger.

And I screamed.

Out loud this time, gathering all the power in my lungs and pushing it out my mouth.

Riley's eyes snapped open, and he jumped from the bed, grabbing a weapon.

"Buffy, what is it?" He asked, concern fleeting over his face.

I raised my eyes, staring directly at him.

"My life." I whispered. "I'm taking it back."

And with that I was out the door and on my way to LA, flannelette Pajama's or no.

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