Disclaimer: Joss owns them, I simply write these fics for my own pleasure, and receive no money for them
Rating: PG
Distribution: Go right on ahead; just send me the URL for your site
Feedback: Yes, please!
Timeline: Five and a half years after "Into the Woods"
Poem: "Road Spent" by Jewel Kilcher. I did not write this poem, no infringement intended. I just used it for effect.
Dedication: to my lovely friends who introduced me to the joys of drinking last year! *grin*

Buffy and Angel strolled through Venice, back to Buffy's apartment, in charged silence. A breeze washed over her face and she inhaled the scent of the hibiscus growing in the window boxes, mixing in with the ever-present climbing roses. It was simply too beautiful a day to even consider fighting, or crying, or antagonizing Angel.

"Would you like to come up? Have some food? You do.eat food now, right?" she asked hesitantly and he half-smiled, taking the other basket from her while she stuck her key in the lock.

"Yes, food is what I eat now," he responded gently and followed her upstairs to her apartment.

"It's a little messy," she explained, leading him through the hallway to the terrace, which overlooked the Moisorine River, and was flooded with warm sunshine. "But we can sit out here."

He nodded and lowered his body gracefully into one of the ornate white chairs, glancing out at the river, seeing the gondolas, dipping in and out of the water, the weathered faces of the oarsmen weary in the morning glow. Angel smiled as he saw a woman singing as she opened the windows of her home, her sweet voice lingering in the air. A certain beauty about Venice touched his heart.

Buffy returned from the kitchen with a bowl of salad and a plate of cheese and fruit. She carried a bottle of wine and two glasses, setting them down on the table between them. "I'm quite the little homemaker now," she mocked herself, smiling wryly as she sat down and used a screw to pop the cork.

"You had to survive somehow," he responded, taking a leisurely sip from the wine glass she offered, enjoying the slightly sweet taste of the grapes, and the feel of the sun slanting over his neck.

She slipped on her shades and gulped some wine. "I did," she agreed, realizing they were on a touchy subject. She knew he wanted to know all about her journeys and travels, but she wasn't ready to tell all. Her guts were too fragile to be spilled. She just wanted to revel in the Venetian morning, and let her troubles dissolve away.

He seemed to sense her desire for peace, and said, "Do you want to hear what I've been doing?"

"Sure," she answered gratefully, and sat back, sipping her wine with pleasure.

"After you left." he paused, "I made Sunnydale my second home. Your Mom and Giles needed help. The Slaying was a problem, so I took over in that respect. Xander and Willow tried to help, but they don't have the strength thing, so it was difficult. It went on for about three years, until the End of Days fight. Giles left afterwards, and I was human, so it was very different. My company dissolved."

"I bet Cordy was pissed," Buffy smiled, shaken by what he had said. Somehow when she left, she hadn't imagined life going on without her. It was strange, but it was as if she had expected Sunnydale to remain frozen in time, until she went back, and life could resume.

"Not really," he said thoughtfully, and grinned. "She's actually doing great with the show biz stuff. She has a lot of roles in plays, which is not what she thought she'd be doing." he took another sip of wine and closed his eyes, leaning back. "Another Slayer was called to finish off the remaining vampires."

"I thought that could only happen when I was dead," she said, surprised. He nodded, and grabbed a section of orange, biting into the sweet fruit pensively.

"The Council made an exception. You were presumed dead. That was enough. Anyway, the new Slayer is named Julianne. She's nice."

"Nice?" Buffy repeated, feeling a jolt of jealousy run through her with sickening force.

He arched a brow and smiled at her. "Yeah, nice, Buffy. She's nice. Anyway, after the End of Days, the Hellmouth was sealed. So she just has to finish of the vampires that still remain. I started to travel when she arrived. We hadn't been able to trace you.but I figured you might come to Europe."

"Why?"

"Well.it has that freedom aspect. It's so huge that you could get lost in it, and you probably thought we would never find you here."

"How did you find me?" she asked, pouring herself her fourth glass of wine. He was finished his second and reached for the bottle as well.

"I asked around. Showed your picture to everyone I could think of. I lucked out. This random customs guy at an airport in Rome recognized you."

"Guy with really short hair and disgusting thin lips?" she snapped, and when Angel nodded, sighed. "He tried to get me to sleep with him.ugh." she shuddered, the thought revolting her. "Not one of my finest moments." Angel smiled at her distaste and then asked in a blank tone, "Do you.have.a boyfriend?"

"Husband and three kids actually," she giggled, slurring her words a little. "Want some more wine?"

"Sure," he replied, and she got up to get another bottle, filling his glass with shaky fingers. "Buffy.do you have a boyfriend?"

She tensed and then sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "No. I haven't had one since Riley left. Mostly I've just kept to myself.I have gone out on a few dates, but nothing serious. Besides, men out here.not the same as California guys." she yawned, and tapped her forehead. "I'm dizzy."

"You're drunk," he confirmed, with a grin. Focusing on him, she shook her head.

"I am not!" Tossing back another glass, she picked up the bottle and drank some more, collapsing onto his lap in a heap of arms and legs and spilled wine. "Want some?" she asked, her voice little and girlish.

He laughed and took the bottle from her. "No.and if you don't want to have a huge headache later.you won't have any more either."

"Mm." she groaned, and swayed to the side. He caught her, holding her close as her head lolled. "Dizzy.Angel." she murmured, and saw the world as if she was underwater, as if the world was pressing on her head. "I can't stand.up." she groaned and he gripped her arms.

"That's cause you're drunk, love," he said gently, and picked her up in his arms. "Why don't I put you to bed and you can sleep this binge off?"

"You gonna sleep with me?" she asked, pressing her lips to his warm neck. Angel jerked away and controlled his breathing with effort.

"It's going to be an alone kind of sleep," he informed her, kicking open the door to her bedroom. "Here you go," he whispered, laying her down on the crisp white sheets and taking off her shoes. Dreamily, she lay back and reached up to touch his cheek. "Gimme a kiss."

He brushed her forehead lightly with his mouth and smoothed her hair. "Sleep, love."

With a faint sigh, she closed her bleary eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

Angel watched her for long moments, delighting in the way she looked as she slept, the way her eyelashes fluttered, evidence that she was dreaming. After a while, he went outside and cleared away the wine and food, taking it to the kitchen, cleaning up as he put away the groceries. Passing by the kitchen table, he saw his name

~Angel~

And stopped to look. It was her diary. Open to a page with his name on it. Should he look? He knew the answer to that question was a resounding NO. But why was it out here on the table? Did she want him to look at it? He knew Buffy was perfectly capable of leaving it out for him to see. But she was also forgetful, and she might have simply not remembered it was there.

That was when he noticed the note beside it.

Angel,

I'm leaving Venice tonight, and I'm going somewhere where you will never be able to find me. I have to do this, please understand. But I'm leaving you my diary to read. It's finished anyway, just tonight, and I want you to have it. It's really private, and embarrassing, and it's cost me a lot to leave it here. But I wanted you to know all the things I can't tell you to your face, so here is my diary. I promise it's not boring! Well, not all of it!

Please forgive me for this.
Buffy

He slumped into a nearby chair, not really surprised by what he read in the letter. He deduced that she must have been leaving tonight or the night before, but changed her mind for some reason. By the date he knew it had been written last night. So she had wanted him to read the diary.

Picking it up, he scanned the page thoughtfully, taking in her messy scrawl and the numerous doodles in the margins. He wanted to read it, and at the same time did not want to read it. It was so intensely private and personal. But if she wanted him to? Maybe it would give him an insight on what she was feeling.

Focusing on the page, he began to read.

Dear Diary,

I arrived in London today. Can you believe? Land of lots of tea. New York didn't work for me. Too many roaches, and my boss was a pervert. He actually tried to feel me up once in full view of all the customers. I slapped him with all my might and quit. Gotta love that Slayer strength. It comes in handy.

With all the money I had, and by pawning my jewellery, I managed to buy a ticket to London. Heathrow was so busy and alien. Lots of people with places to go. Sometimes I feel lost.

I got a job right away. As a waitress. Do I do anything else anymore? Seems my life is coffee and aprons, and being called, "Excuse me?" Ha. Well, I'm lonely. But London's beautiful, and I feel myself falling for it. The people are a little snobby, but it might just be the accents. I did the tour today, went to Buckingham Palace and saw Kensington Palace as well. I gripped the back and gold gates and thought about Princess Diana for a moment. I cried when she died. It was horrible and so sudden. It reminded me that anything is possible.

The weather is rainy, matching my mood. I haven't met anyone, and that's the way I like it. I don't want to exist to anyone. Just being alone is great.

I thought of Angel today and dreamed of him last night. I wonder what he's doing right now. Probably brooding. Ha. I have to laugh about him, cause the memories are getting so painful I want to scream. It's as if I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I want to climb out of it and run free. I still feel trapped. An ocean between me and Sunnydale and I still feel connected to it in so many ways. But I can't go back. Not now. It's been a year and a half since I left and it's over. My life there is over.

Sometimes I think about Willow and Xander, and I imagine what they thought about my leaving. I know Xander would be mad and think I was irresponsible, but it's really cause he has this thing where he can't believe I would do anything wrong. He thinks of me as 'invincible Buffy', you know, Strong Girl, and all that, and he doesn't get that I'm weak, just like everyone else. My Mom must be so upset, and that makes me cry to think about. I feel horrible about her and Dawn, and they are the reasons that make me think of going back. But as more time goes by, I realize it wouldn't work.

Giles. It kills to think of how I failed him. He is like my father, and yet I just ran out without telling him. God, he will be so angry, and I know he'll feel guilty, he'll think that he did something wrong. But it was nothing he did. It's me. Always me. Stupid Buffy.

As for Angel.god I love him, and I regret leaving him. But it sounds so stupid to say that, cause I didn't leave him. We haven't been together for a long time, by his choice. At night I dream about him, and he holds me and it's perfect. Nothing can be like that in reality, so nights are nice. I wish we were just a normal couple, that could be together, forever. You know, like in poems and movies. I read a lot of Jewel lately. Some of her stuff sucks (I'll admit it) but most of it is so emotional, and I can relate in small ways to it. Funny, but this trip has made me more introspective. (Hello! Big word I just used!) I think a lot more. Less action in my life, now. Anyway, this Jewel poem really speaks to me:

Road Spent

I could stand to be alone for some time
Lose myself in white noise
Slip into the blur
Contemplate the color yellow
Right now
I just don't handle splashes too well
Or too many teeth
Around me all at once
Armed like guns with something to say
Urgent whispers
Hoarse restraint
Quiet as paper cuts
People steal me away
Cart my flesh off in tiny crimson piles
My bones have been sore
Rattling against each other
In their anaemic cage
Ravens circling
It's-time to-go it's-time to-go
Someplace full of surf
Full of flat blue sky
Full of shuuush
By Jewel

The truth is that I want silence. I crave emptiness. After all these years of screaming for Angel, and fucking Riley, and wanting to be anywhere but where I was, I need peace. I haven't been the same since he left me. Angel, I mean. When he left, I did shut down. I went about life, doing all the motions, finding a boyfriend, slaying the vampires, and having a good time. But inside I was dead.

Sometimes I wish I had died. When he left me, I wish I had. Maybe when he drank me, he should have left me there. I could have left him, instead of him leaving me.

Well this time I did. I left. And now he's got to find me. I sometimes wish he would.

And then sometimes I want to stay lost. It's safer.

Love, Buffy

Angel set the diary down, ignoring the bitter tears that streaked his face, and walked over to the door of her room, looking in at her sleeping form. She was tiny, under the covers, her mouth closed, her chest rising and falling with each sweet breath.

She was so tiny. Just a girl.

He loved her. Sometimes he put her on a pedestal. But really, she was just a girl. Lost, like everyone else.

Go to the next story Girl, Dreams

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