Distribution: Go right on ahead; just send me the URL for your site
Disclaimer: Owner of B/A, thy name is Joss
Rating: PG
Timeline: Five and a half years after "Into the Woods"
Dedication: to Shayla, and Sara-Lee- you guys rock! *hugs* Credit must go to Shayla for the idea of Buffy writing in her diary- thanks doll!

Buffy ran. As fast as she could, along the fondamenta della Misericordia, over the Rialto Bridge, until she reached her apartment overlooking the Moisorine. Panting, she bent double, trying to control her breathing. What had she been thinking? Kissing Angel? Dancing with him? Forgetting everything that she had planned for herself.her plans to leave Venice tonight.

Grimacing at her own stupidity, Buffy leaned against the doors to the building, wanting nothing more than to walk upstairs, fix a sandwich and collapse into a hot bath.

"Buffy," Angel said as sprinted up to where she stood. "Look."

"No," she held up her hand and let all her breath out in a whoosh. "You look. Angel, I'm done with Sunnydale. I'm done with my friends, my family. And I'm done with you. Go back and.tell them I died..yeah, tell them I died." she laughed almost hysterically and he took a step forward, gripping her forearms.

"Buffy.you can't hide forever," he said quietly, and she glanced up at him, her eyes hard and at the same time vulnerable.

"I'm not hiding. This is my life, here. There's nothing for me back in Sunnydale, don't you get that? I don't like my life there. And I'm not going back," she wrenched free of his grip and headed for the door. He caught her hand as if lay on the knob, and pulled her back against him.

"I can't let you go, you know that," he muttered and she shook her head.

"You had no trouble letting me go once, did you? Goodnight, Angel," she snapped and opened the door, shutting it in his face and trekking up the stairs, her shoulders slumping as soon as she was out of sight.

She couldn't handle this. She didn't want to handle this. As she opened the door to her apartment, she breathed a sigh of relief. This was her haven, her solace, and she loved it.

The walls were painted a light blue, so light it was like the sky directly after a storm.newly born, young and sweet. Dropping her bags in the little front hallway, she walked down it into the kitchen and headed immediately for the stove, warming it for the soup she intended to make. Grabbing some bread and some turkey, lettuce and mustard, she fixed a quick sandwich, eating it as she ran a bath. This was her nightly ritual and it was comforting in it's normalcy.

She peeled the clothes from her body, leaving them in a heap on her bedroom floor, taking her diary, a pen and cup of tomato basil soup into the bathroom. Stepping into her bathtub, she set her soup and diary down onto the low table by it.

Leaning back, she dipped her head under the water, and enjoyed the warmth seeping into her bones. Nights could be cool in Venice, and her muscles were sore from all the work. She took a sip of soup and swished it around in her mouth, grabbing her diary and opening it.

~Dear Diary,

I arrived in New York Today.~

Those words caught her eye, and dropping her pen, Buffy lay back down, reading the sentences she had penned five years before.

I arrived in New York today, and it was different than I expected. The people are not as rude as they are shown on TV, and I haven't seen a single mugging! Maybe I should go into Central Park for that. I've been looking for work all day, but thank God I had enough money to pay for a month's rent at this shitty excuse for an apartment. I wonder what's happening in Sunnydale. I can imagine, chaos.

Maybe I shouldn't have left. Maybe I should've done a lot of things.

I haven't thought about Riley much lately. I wonder where he is. He never said, when he gave me that ultimatum. It was basically, "Need me or I'm leaving". I don't know what else he wanted? I tried to give him everything, despite what Xander says.

His comments about Angel pissed me off so much. I haven't seen him in so long. It feels like forever since we stood in that hallway, and I was a bitch, and he was apologetic and we made with the nice for a little while. Can that really be six months ago? Well, actually must be close to seven months now. I remember when I didn't go a day without seeing him. Doesn't THAT seem like a long time ago.

I miss him so much lately. I'll be doing completely random things, and he will just spring into my mind. He must be doing great in LA. I thought about going there, but I think the need to see him would be too great.

I don't even know if I still love him anymore. Every time I think about him I get this quick pain in my chest and stomach. It's dulled, over the years, but it's still there. I should have moved on. Isn't that the cool thing to do? The modern thing to do? What do I need? Closure, or something. Yeah, right. That almost makes me laugh.

This reminds me of the last time I ran. When I went to LA and was "Anne". That's what I'm gonna call myself here to. I like the sound of that name. It's safe. It's not Buffy.

Buffy's dead. I have to remember that. I can't think of myself as the girl in Sunnydale anymore. New York is definitely a place where you could lose yourself. That's what I want. To be no one.

Lots of guys checked me out when I was walking down the street. Some tried to be subtle, but it didn't work. I don't want anyone right now. Not even Riley. If he walked back into my life, I don't know what I would do. Probably smack him. Then maybe tell him I can't need him the way he wants me to? God, he was so stupid to do that with those vampires. I can't ever look at him the same way.

Last night I dreamed of Sunnydale. I was on a beach with the gang. We are all laughing, and happy. It was just me, Will, Xand, Cordy and Giles. Oz was there to, strangely. And guess who else? Angel. It was strange. Sun was apparently no prob. I was sitting on his lap and every few moments I would kiss him. He smiled so much. And so did I. So much my face hurt. But it was a good hurt. Will and Oz were all couply, and Xand and Cordy bickered. Giles just looked content.

And then this huge wave came, and swept us away. I tried to hold onto Angel, but he wiggled away from me, he was so slippery, and I ended up on this beach, alone, with no one. I cried when I woke up..

I cry a lot lately. I'm turning into a wuss. Or maybe my eyes just got tired of holding it all in.

I don't know.

Love, Buffy

Ignoring the copious tears that streamed down her face, Buffy dropped the diary on the floor and picked up her soup, drinking deeply to warm the suddenly cold space in her chest.

~~~

Buffy woke the next morning to sunlight playing across her face, slanting in from her half-closed drapes. Stretching her muscles, she said a little prayer in thanks that she didn't have to work that day and wriggled under the covers with enjoyment.

Usually she would sleep in, but she wanted to get some shopping done. She was in serious need of food and some wine. She figured maybe she would get drunk today and lie around, singing and dancing. That would get her mind off of.

Buffy shook her head to dispel the thoughts, getting out of bed and taking a leisurely shower, washing her hair and body with the vanilla products she adored, and then slipped on denim capris and a black tank top. She curled her hair and left it down, slipping on black slides and shades to complete her ensemble.

Humming under her breath, she opened the door to the building and ran smack into Angel.

"Okay.I'm pretty sure stalking is illegal here as well as the US," she snarled at her former lover, and he held up his hands in defence.

"I told you I couldn't let you go," he said simply and then cocked his head to one side. "You going to work?"

"Shopping," she informed him crisply and began to walk in the direction of the market. He fell into stride beside her, and she looked up at him with supreme annoyance.

"Angel.please, I don't need this. Can't you just go back to Sunnydale? Please?" she pleaded, her eyes imploring. "You don't understand.I can't go back there."

"Explain it to me.did you live because of Riley?" he asked her, point blank and she shuddered, not able to avoid the question.

"Riley's habit of getting eaten by vampires did contribute.and his leaving did to.but it wasn't Riley.it was my life as a whole." She faltered, and their eyes locked, drowned and burned. Buffy tore her gaze away and stared fixedly ahead of her. "It was.oh god.I don't even know! Okay? I just had to go. I had to leave, and have a normal life! I had to escape!"

"You left to have a normal life?" he picked up on the most important thing she had said and Buffy nodded, scuffing the ground as she walked.

The air was thick with the scent of the climbing roses that infused the buildings with pinks and reds, whites and yellows. Buffy glanced upwards, watching as a woman hung her wash out to dry, and another beat a rug over her balcony. Through the openings between the houses, she could see gondolas passing, crammed with tourists, who had no idea the most efficient way to get around was either to walk or take a waterbus.

After a long moment, she began to speak. "I got tired of being the one that everyone counted on. I mean, it sounds like a great title, but when it's yours, suddenly the great is not so great. I just.wanted something else. I wanted something different. Angel.when you left." she paused and he lay a hand on her arm reassuringly.

"When you left." she continued softly, "I stopped being the same person I had always been. It wasn't a conscious thing, but it happened. And suddenly I slept with Parker and he dumped me like I was a cheap whore.and then I met Riley. Who was, God knows, sweet and nice and all that. But he never completed me. He never understood me."

"Is that why you left?" he inquired quietly and she shook her blonde head, her hair ruffling in the warm breeze that swept over them.

"No." she trailed off as they reached the market. "Help me carry?" she asked, determined to stop the twenty questions for now. With a wry grin, Angel picked up a basket similar to hers. Buffy filled it with sun kissed oranges, ripe juicy plums, yellow bananas, a huge leaf of romaine lettuce, cheese, olive oil and three bottles of wine.

As Buffy tested the firmness of some tomatoes, she watched Angel secretly, as he set about choosing the perfect watermelon for her. Her heart cried out.he was so familiar.the lines of his body.the curve of his back, the shape of his neck.his dark bedroom eyes, the soft, full mouth. She had barely even reconciled with the fact that he was human. It didn't matter. It COULDN'T matter.

She didn't know what she was going to do. Obviously she couldn't leave Venice. He would find her again in a second. And she couldn't lose him in this city. It was so crammed and tiny, she would never escape him. Buffy put a roast chicken into her basket and wondered if she wanted to escape him. Looking at him now.it was impossible to imagine life without him again.

"Damnit.damnit.damnit." she muttered under her breath. It was just like him. Coming back into her life, making her fall at his feet like some lovesick puppy.

"Well I'm not a puppy!"

"I know that," Angel said as he came up beside her, and dropped a watermelon in with the chicken. His smile was teasing and she knew he had guessed what she was thinking. Blushing, she swatted him and handed him the basket.

"You pay," she grinned and he shrugged, a serious glint in his eyes. An almost.sensual one.

"Anything you want, Buffy."

*I wanted you to never leave me* her mind screamed as she gazed at him, walking up to the counter and bestowing a charming half-smile on the lady manning the cash register. *I wanted you to be my future*

*But you left and so I made my own future* Buffy thought, and felt a tear slide into her eye, burning, burning, it's scalding heat making her yearn to weep. Making her want to slide to the ground and gag with sobs. She needed to let go.

She needed Angel. But that was something she would never admit. It was weakness, needing someone. Making yourself vulnerable to them.

Buffy was never weak. For five years she had made a life for herself. To go back would be a failure. And she was sure it would kill her. She couldn't face everyone. How could she? Willow.God. Willow must hate her. And Xander.he would be so angry. For some reason it hurt the most when she thought of Giles. Her Watcher, her mentor, her Father in so many ways.

What would Giles say if she just showed up at his house in England? Did she have the strength for that kind of meeting? Could she face him?

She didn't know, and that scared her. Not knowing.

"Ready to go?" Angel returned with her purchases, and stared into her eyes. She looked back at him, uneasy, uncertain.

She loved him.

But he might leave again.

And Buffy knew she could never survive that.

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