The day started off just like many others that I've experienced over the years. I put my "life" at risk so that I can help those that are helpless. I'm the warrior who must fight evil for his redemption over past wrongs. I'm a vampire who is cursed with soul. My name is Angel.

*****

Years ago gypsies put a curse on me so that I could never harm anyone again and at the same time remember ever crime against humanity that I had committed. I wandered the earth after that as a shadow of non-existence. I still was a vampire but I couldn't feed because every memory weighed heavy in my heart that was no longer beating. I still would be lost if I didn't have a revelation to my purpose. I still can remember that day. I was lurking in the shadows and a "angel" came into my world. She was a ray of sunlight and the light of my world. Ironically she's the Chosen One, the vampire slayer. Buffy is her name and my saviour. For the first time I felt my curse as a blessing rather than a burden.

I became her friend, her partner in battle, her lover. We tried to fight our feelings for each other. How could things work? I was a creature of the night while she was the defender, the instrument to keep the balance over good and evil. No matter how hard we tried we were draw to each other like a moth to a flame. We disillusioned ourselves into thinking that our odd relationship was going to work. I couldn't let her go. How could I? She's the reason why I have a purpose, a goal a sense of being. I'm not excepted in the vampire world because of my soul and I am not excepted in the normal human world because I'm a demon. The only thing that felt right was being with her. I would never of guessed that her being my salvation, she was my damnation as well.

It happened on the night of her seventeenth birthday. It was suppose to be the most treasured experience we shared, a gift to each other. That night I became truly happy, a feeling I had not felt for hundreds of years (maybe never). At that moment of divine ecstasy I lost my soul. I became Angelus once more, a  being with no regret, evil to the core. I haunted her every step, she became my obsession. I knew that the best was to hurt her was through her friends. To her credit she never gave up on me, until I killed one of her friends. I had a plan to vanquish humanity off the face of the earth and I would of succeeded too.  She came after me with a vengeance, with slayer instinct to protect. At the moment she was ready to put a sword through my heart, her friend Willow (a witch) re-cursed me and gave back my soul. 

I woke up as if it was all a bad dream. The last thoughts I remembered were the ones of the night Buffy and I consummated our love. I looked into her eyes in confusion and I can still hear her voice whisperings to me to close my eyes. Once I closed my eyes, she kissed and said she loved me, before she rammed the sword into my heart...

I came back to earth after spending an equivalent of five hundred years in hell. At the time I didn't know why or who sent me back but the only thought I had in my mind was to get back to Buffy. We tried to be friends, considering we knew the consequences of our actions if we ever became lovers again. Our love for each other was too strong. We couldn't deny our feelings for each other. How can you deny the other part of yourself? I realized that seeing, smelling and just knowing that she was around, was not a solution. It was eating me up inside. How can I be around someone who I can not have? I finally made the decision to leave her behind and try to find a new path, a new sense of purpose. I couldn't trust to say the words I longed to say to her, so I just walked away...

I settled into the city of lost souls (Los Angeles) and I met up with a half-demon named Doyle. He told me about the Powers That Be, higher mystical beings, and that I'm their warrior, their champion. We set up a detective agency with the help of Cordelia, a friend from Sunydale. Doyle gets visions from the PTB, together we fight evil and help the helpless. I try to keep busy and on good days I forget about the girl I left behind.

*****

Until today, when I became human once more.

I was fighting a Morah demon and by chance out blood mixed. Due to the regenerative properties of the Morah's blood it restored my humanity. You can not imagine the sudden feeling of your heart beat that hasn't worked for hundreds of year. The sudden feeling of warmth where you had only felt cold. I wanted to shout to the whole world that I was alive again and this time I wasn't going to take it for granted. My first thought was of Buffy. We can be together again and nothing can ever come between us again. Once Doyle and I confirmed with the Powers that my state of being human was permanent I planned to go and visit Buffy in Sunnydale.

I couldn't contain my emotions, I wanted to shout all the feelings I bottled up inside me long ago. The fates must of been working for me because Buffy came to Los Angeles to talk to me about something. I was walking on a pier with the sun warming my face. I can't believe that it's been decades since I was out in the sun. The rays were like bursts of energy and I felt so alive. Then all of a sudden it was like I was reliving the very moment I first laid eyes on my angel. I put my hand on my chest and I could feel my heart beat accelerating. As if in a dream, Buffy was in front of me, her golden hair shimmering in the sunlight. I reach for her, my warm fingers touching hers.

We embrace each other tightly never wanting to let go. We share a kiss, my warm lips touching hers, a look of total surprise and wonder in her eyes. 

We head back to my apartment and I try to explain to her the events leading up to my being turned human again. The words "take it slow" passes our lips but we are drawn to get other like magnets. We get enveloped in a roller coaster of feelings that we can finally express. The only thing we can do is hold on to each other and go for the ride. Our lips are seeking each other trying to find the other half. She is my soul-mate, my beloved and I'm never going to let go of her again. 

I wake up in her arms. The feeling is so heavenly that I just want to stay like that forever. I move away not wanting to wake her. I look into her face and she is smiling in her sleep. I touch her cheek and remember the happenings of the past hours. A smile creeps up on my face and I can't help think how good food tastes, especially ice-cream and peanut butter. I put my hand onto my chest and feel the slow thumping of my heart. I smile again, remembering how Buffy just kept wanting to place her head on my chest to hear the sound of my heartbeat. I place a kiss on her slightly parted lips before the door opened to reveal Doyle wanting to talk to me. I slowly get up and whisper to him not to wake up Buffy. He tells me that the Morah demon is still alive. I get ready to hunt him down. Doyle reminds me that I don't have the strength I once had when I was a vampire and maybe we should wake up Buffy for help. I shake my heard, surely I can deal with this demon, I still have years of experience behind me. 

My head is spinning. I'm being thrown around like a rag doll. My vision is blurry due to the blood flowing from a gash on my temple. My body is tired and aching in places I have never felt before. For once I was on the losing end of the battle. Buffy and I just started our lives together. It surely can't end now. Can it? Suddenly a blonde goddess jumps to my aid. She defeats the Morah demon with one deafening blow to the jewel on his head. Buffy turns around a reaches out her hand to help me up. I feel so relieved and proud of her but at the same time I feel ashamed that she had to come to my aid. I'm suppose to help her fight the evil that surrounds her everyday because of her calling as the slayer. How can I do that when she's protecting me? Her love for me is a strength but it can also be used as a weapon. Once the demon world finds out the weakness in her armour, they will find a way to play that weakness against her. I am her weakness. I can not do this to her, I won't let it.

I go back to the Powers and ask them to foretell me the future. They tell me about the "end of Days" and that it's fast approaching. They tell me of the warriors but now that there is only one, the strength of the one is not enough and will result in the warrior's death. The power of the two is what needs to be in place for the fight to be won. I knew that the Powers were talking about Buffy and myself. How can I live with myself now that I know that I'm the reason my beloved will eventually die? I make a choice in a heartbeat, I ask the Powers to turn me back into a vampire. They agree but the only way to accomplish  the deed is to erase the day. They will take back the twenty-four hours, it will start again brand new.  They told me that I and I alone will remember the happenings of the day. How can that be the only choice? I am one of the Fates and Powers champions, how come I have to live with the pain? Can they not erase my memory as well? The Powers shake their head. I realize then that I am meant to remember. It is a gift, that I retain the memory of the day I was finally human and that I shared it with my beloved. It's an incentive they told me. Once my services were no longer needed and my redemption has been fulfilled, then I'll be granted humanity. So today will be etched in my mind forever, the day I gained and lost what I hold dear in my heart and soul. I slowly nod my head in agreement and slowly walk away.

I hug Buffy tightly and kiss her with every ounce of my being. I want the memory to be embedded in my brain. The memory has to last me until that day comes where I'll finally be free. Buffy looks up into my eyes and can sense something is wrong. She questions me and at first I was going to lie and just let the day pass without her knowing the truth. I look at her and I just couldn't do that to her. I have never lied to her and even if she would eventually forget, I never will. I want to be able to live with myself even if it will be the hardest thing to say. I slowly tell her my conversation with the Powers. She hits my chest with her fists. She tells me how could I make the decision without her (again). I run my hands through her hair and kiss her face, trying to comfort her. She cries and puts her head on my chest. My heart beat echoes in my head, a fast even beat. It gets louder and louder but I welcome it because I won't hear or feel that wonderful feeling for awhile. Buffy is sobbing now in my arms and whispering as if in prayer "I'll never forget. I will always remember." Tears are slowly falling down my face and my heart feels like it's going to burst in pain. I kiss her with every fibre of my being. I can hear her saying the words over and over again that she will remember. The words touch my soul and I feel as if I'm falling into emptiness. The sounds of my heart gets replaced by the ticking of a clock . I reach out to my beloved but there is nothing...

I open my eyes and lift my head from my desk. Buffy is standing in front of me. The look on her face is not what I expect. She starts to say something but gets interrupted when a Morah demon crashes in. I know what to do, I strike the jewel on his head and the demon vanishes into ashes. My insides are crying because the deed was done, the day has started again. The look in Buffy's eyes are not of love but of anger. Her parting words to me was to leave her alone and then she slowly turned and walked away.

My heart inert but I can feel it breaking into a thousand pieces. How can I live with knowing what I know? How is this going to get easier? Will the hurt ever go away? I close my eyes and relive the day that I was human and with my beloved and smile. One day...one day the reward that the Powers promised will happen and until then I have to go on. I remember how badly Buffy wanted to remember, maybe she will, even if only in her dreams.

I look into the distance towards the sun being careful that none of it's rays touch me. My eyes are stinging with the brightness but I welcome it.

"Until then my love...when I can again meet you in the sun."

Go to the companion, My Heart's Desire

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