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F E A T U R E D F I C O F T H E M O M E N T
INDEX
BRE'S ARCHIVE
AUTHOR'S ARCHIVE
INTERACTIVE
AUTHOR
SITE
 O N L Y T I M E S E R I E S B Y B R E P A R T E I G H T B “Christina?” Cordelia’s voice echoed in the small bathroom. Three stalls lined one wall and black sinks lined the opposite. A small shuffling alerted Cordelia to her friend’s presence and she stepped fully into the bathroom. “Christina? Are you in here?” Stepping to the stalls, Cordelia pushed them open slowly. The first two opened before she reached the third. It was locked. “Christina?” “You knew about this?” came the tear-filled reply and Cordelia furrowed her brow. “You knew that he had... had forced that on that girl and you didn’t tell me?” “I didn’t know it was him,” Cordelia objected. “I knew about Buffy, yes, but Angel? No. You know if I had known about him I would have told you.” A small sniffling was her response and Cordelia brought her hand up, touching the door of the stall gently. “Honey, come out of there.” “Oh, my god, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.” Cordelia frowned as Christina continued, “How could he have not told me? That is a pretty big issue, if you ask me.” Cordelia heard the other brunette’s breathing hitch as she tore some toilet paper from the dispenser. She heard the crinkling as she wiped at her eyes. Dropping her hand, Cordelia crossed her arms. “How could Angel do that to someone?” A soft sob reached Cordelia’s ears. “I feel like I don’t know him... I don’t know him at all, do I?” “Chris?” Cordelia’s head shot up towards the entrance to the bathroom and spotted Angel’s head peeking through the small crack he had created. In other circumstances, it would have been amusing to see him, of all people, poking his head through the door into a ladies room. But now, it just pissed her off. “Get the hell out of here,” Cordelia demanded, stalking to the door. “Who do you think you are? First Buffy, now Christina? You’re sick.” “Cordelia, is she in here? I need to talk to her.” “Like hell you need to talk to her. You need to leave her the hell alone, that’s what you need to do.” The sarcasm in her voice wasn’t lost on Angel. “Christina?” Angel called, stepping fully into the bathroom, stopping before Cordelia who pressed her hands against his chest and pushed him back against the door. “Get out. It’s enough that you ruined Buffy’s life. The least you can do is just get out.” Raising her arm, the angry brunette pointed to the door handle. “Out. Leave.” “I need to talk to her. Explain what happened,” Angel replied, stepping forward once more. Cordelia pushed him back. “What? Like you talked to Buffy? Yeah, that went real well. You do realize she was a train wreck after you left. After you killed your baby.” The stony silence that filled the bathroom was deafening and both could clearly hear Christina standing up in the stall and opening the door. But neither looked away from the other. Angel set his jaw as he stared down at the woman who was friends with both of the women in his life. “You don’t know what happened. Nobody does and I am fucking sick of people butting in and not minding their own goddamn business. Now I would appreciate it if you would get the hell out of my face so I can talk to my fiancee.” His voice was low and Cordelia scowled at him. “I’m not scared of you, Angel,” she replied, her voice even. “The fact of the matter is is that you have no right to talk to her. You have fucked up her life now, just like you did with Buffy’s. Get. Out.” Angel held her gaze for a heavy minute before looking away and over her head to see his fiancee standing in the middle of the bathroom, her face pale and red from her crying. The light reflected off the tears in her eyes as she stared at him. “Go, Angel. I’m not ready to talk to you,” she said, her voice quiet and calm. Angel frowned and pushed past Cordelia, who allowed him. “Chris, baby, please. I need to explain to you what happened. Why it happened. She was sixteen and-“ “Sixteen?” Christina echoed. “She was sixteen years old, Angel?” “No, Christina, please. You have to understand how I was back then...” “How you were?” Christina echoed. “An asshole, I’m presuming. A big enough asshole to fuck a sixteen year old, get her pregnant and then take the baby away from her.” “Please...” Angel continued, the next words falling from his mouth on instinct. “This can’t be good for the baby.” A short, emotionless laugh fell from Christina’s lips and her hand unconsciously came up to cover her stomach. “Can’t be good for the baby?” Angel opened his mouth to speak. “No,” she said sharply. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I... God, I can’t believe you never told me. This would have been a lot easier if you had told me.” “It was too hard,” Angel admitted after a minute, his eyes never leaving hers. “It was something I didn’t want to talk about... again. Ever.” “Well, you really don’t have a choice now do you?” Sighing deeply, Christina looked to the floor. Cordelia stood silently in the background, her arms crossed over her chest. “The way you were looking at her...” Looking up again, her eyes narrowed more in pain than anger. “Do you still love her?” Angel furrowed his brow and opened his mouth before closing it for a moment. Looking at the floor, he replied, “I never loved her.” “It’s a little hard to believe when you won’t even look at me when you say that,” Christina said, her voice tinged with anger. “You do, don’t you?” “Don’t be stupid,” Angel snapped at her as he looked up. “I don’t love her, okay?” “That’s good,” Christina said, tears welling in her eyes at his declaration. She had to leave. It hurt too much to be near him, especially after learning about his past and the fact that he had never really left it. “That’s good to know.” “Christina,” Angel said, his voice cracking slightly as she walked past him. He grabbed her arm and she paused, pulling her arm free as she turned back to him. “Listen to me when I say this because I won’t say it again.” Angel felt a horrible feeling fill his chest. “I don’t want to see you right now. I don’t know when I’ll want to see you again.” Pausing, she stared at him as a tear slipped down her cheek. “Angel, I love you. I do. So much and I know our baby will, too. But if you can’t love us back... then there really is no place for you in our lives.” Angel felt his heart breaking as she turned and walked out. Cordelia spared him a cold glance before following. Angel watched as the door swung shut silently, the small sound of air being forced back in echoing in his mind as her words replayed over and over. ‘... then there really is no place for you in our lives...’ God, what had he done?
“Buffy!” “No, Willow, I can’t talk right now. I just... I need to go.” Willow could hear the tears in her friend’s voice and it hurt her. This was partially her fault. If she hadn’t agreed to go to Cordelia’s stupid party, then none of this would have happened. Buffy wouldn’t have seen Angel and the blonde and Riley would be happy... somewhere else. “Buffy... please stop. We should talk.” “About what?” Buffy demanded, whirling around in the crowd to face the brunette. There were tears in her eyes as she spoke. “About Angel? Okay, let’s talk. Let’s talk about how moronic I am. About how stupid I am. Maybe about the fact that I can’t talk to him without breaking down, let alone look at him.” “Buffy, that’s not your fault...” “Isn’t it? I mean, I’m the one that’s been obsessing about him since he left. I keep thinking myself in circles and circles, killing myself wondering why I can’t get over him. And you know why? Because I don’t want to.” Willow shook her head, her brow furrowing. “What? What are you talking about?” “I don’t want to get over him, Willow. I don’t know why but isn’t that the only logical answer?” Breathing in deeply, Buffy’s stared at the redhead. “I’m still in love with him, Will. I never stopped. And because of that I can’t... I can’t stop... obsessing about him.” “Buffy...” “No. Stop. I don’t want your pity.” The sharp tone that edged Buffy’s voice caused Willow to pause. “Is that what you think I’m doing?” Willow asked. “Pitying you?” “It seems like it to me. All I get is ‘I’m so sorry, Buffy’ and ‘this is all my fault’.” Staring at Willow, Buffy said, “I don’t understand why you keep doing that. I don’t want it!” “I’m not pitying you, Buffy,” Willow said, and Buffy could hear the hurt in her voice. “I don’t want to sound like I’m pitying you because I’m not. I really am sorry about... everything that has happened.” “Why?” Buffy cried. “Why are you sorry?” “Because it’s my fault. I was the one who pushed you to him, I was the one who encouraged you to sleep with an older man, even though I knew it was illegal, and I was the one that kept your stupid secret when I could have made things better by... doing something to him!” Buffy raised her hand. “Stop! Stop it! I don’t want to hear anymore. It’s not your fault. It never was!” Willow opened her mouth to speak but Buffy continued. “I don’t blame you. No one does. Stop fucking blaming yourself for something that happened to me!” The pained look on Willow’s face shot a pang of hurt to echo in Buffy’s heart. Opening her mouth once again to speak, Willow stopped herself before pushing past Buffy and walking towards the exit. Buffy turned to watch her go, more tears welling in her eyes as the last few minutes caught up with her. As a sob broke past her lips, Buffy felt a warm hand on her shoulder and turned to see who it was. Riley’s blue eyes met hers and Buffy felt another sob escape her throat as he pulled her into his arms. He didn’t speak as she cried against his shoulder, deep in the crowded restaurant beneath The Hela. As moments passed, Riley continued to rub her back gently, his large frame bent over her as she wept her pain. He didn’t say anything. Didn’t do anything but comfort as she allowed more tears to fall down her cheeks. As more time passed, Riley finally felt her pulling away. She looked up at him, her face red and her eyes slightly blood shot. But she was still one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice raspy from her crying. “This is embarrassing.” “It’s okay,” Riley assured her. “I understand. When you need to cry, you need to cry. Right?” Buffy wiped the tears from her face as she looked over in the general direction where the party had begun. “What happened back there-“ “Isn’t important. You don’t need to explain anything to me.” Smiling down at her, Riley rubbed his hands up and down her arms, which suddenly felt more than chilled. “You can tell me when you’re ready.” Buffy couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was surprised he was being so... accepting of her past. She had figured he would at least be a little... disgusted? Mad? Buffy hadn’t honestly known what to expect from her new boyfriend but this definitely wasn’t it. But it felt nice that he could wait for her. “Thank you,” Buffy said softly, looking up at him. He returned her gaze for a moment before she broke it. “I’ll tell... I promise. I just have to... sort through some things, first.” “Take your time,” he said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to her forehead before pulling her back into his arms. Buffy rested her head against his chest, ignoring the curious gazes around her as she snuggled into her boyfriend’s arms. Breathing in deeply, Buffy began to feel like she could get through this. Especially with Riley by her side. Maybe it could be the next step towards releasing her past and moving on. With Riley. Pulling back, she laughed as she touched her face. “I must look horrible.” Riley grinned. “You look beautiful.” Blushing, Buffy stepped out of his embrace as she wiped at her eyes once more. “You’re sweet. A liar, but sweet.” Chuckling, Riley looked down at her. “Are you ready to go?” “Yeah... Just let me go fix myself up. I’ll be right back.” Buffy moved to walk past him when he said, “Where’s Willow? I thought I saw her leaving a minute ago.” Buffy paused before shrugging slightly. “We kind of had a little argument. But I’m sure things will be okay tomorrow.” “Oh...” Riley really didn’t have anything to say in reply. He hadn’t been with Buffy, nor been around Willow enough, long enough to say anything in reassurance about their friendship. “I’ll be waiting by the door, okay?” “Okay,” Buffy said with a smile before turning and heading for the bathroom. The crowd seemed to have gotten thicker as she waded through the various gatherings. Realizing she was heading in the same direction as the table she had previously been at, Buffy switched directions, opting for the shadows near the opposite wall. She spotted the bathrooms and allowed herself a quick glance over her shoulder towards the table. She could see a few people still lingering around, including Doyle. But she didn’t see Angel or Cordelia or Angel’s girlfriend. She didn’t see Xander either. She could only imagine what had happened. Pushing into the ladies room, Buffy sighed deeply before looking up. And stopping. All the breath left her body as she spotted the dark figure of Angel sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, his head in his hands. Emotions rushed through her and she felt slightly weak as she breathed his name, “Angel.”
Angel looked up at the sound of his name. At first, he thought it was Christina, coming back to him before he realized that it wasn’t her voice. It couldn’t be her voice because he would recognize the one that spoke to him anywhere. He focused on her where she stood at the door. They were alone... together. Suddenly, the last time they had been together, alone, came rushing back to him and he narrowed his eyes in remembrance. “Buffy.” He saw her chest rising with her deep breaths as she looked around quickly, as if to reassure herself that she was in the right place. “Why are you in the ladies room?” Her voice was small and confused. She sounded... confused and very unsure. “I...” Angel looked around. “I followed Christina in here.” “Christina...” Buffy said the name slowly. She could only assume that he was talking about the woman he was with at the table. The one he had argued with over their past. “Is she your... girlfriend?” Angel didn’t notice her tone as he looked down at the floor. He felt numb. He felt tired. He didn’t know what to do anymore and it was confusing the hell out of him. Christina’s last words and now Buffy... now standing before him... it was too much. “She’s my fiancee.” “Oh.” Buffy nodded, looking down at the floor as she pursed her lips. She was at a complete loss of what to do. She was amazed at how she was acting. Considering her reactions to him in the past, she was being surprisingly calm. And she couldn’t help but go along with it. It was better than throwing her fists at him, or crying... or running back into his arms. “Your fiancee. That’s... nice.” Angel didn’t respond for a moment and Buffy stared at him. He had gotten older. But he still looked the same. He had more muscle and his hair was a little shaggier with small speckles of gray but his face was still the same. A few more wrinkles... but his eyes. His eyes were so old and deep. It hurt to look in them. “She said I couldn’t be in her life anymore,” he said softly, whether more to himself or to her, Buffy didn’t know. She frowned but didn’t say anything. She could tell he wasn’t done. “I’ve ruined everything. Everything.” “I’m sure you haven’t... ruined everything,” Buffy said awkwardly, wrapping her arms around her middle as she stood in the middle of the bathroom. Angel looked up at her and Buffy was surprised to see tears in his eyes. Serious tears. She was further surprised when one rolled down his cheek. “I’ve ruined everything. I... I’m not a good person, am I? I couldn’t be with you, I can’t be with Christina. I... god, Buffy... I am so sorry... You have no idea how... sorry I am.” Buffy felt something in her chest break a little as another tear rolled down his cheek. But she still didn’t move forward. What was she expected to do with this? It had been nine years since she had last talked to this man, and they had definitely left on bad terms. She had spent a good chunk of those years obsessing over what could have happened, what had happened... it was too much for her to just jump over and be all over him again, whether she be comforting or not. In all honestly, she really didn’t feel much of anything. She was looking down at her past, who was ready to cry, and didn’t feel the urge to be angry or anguished. All she felt was sadness for what was happening before her. For the pain he was going through. Tears welled in her eyes. “Of all the shit I put you through,” he said softly, his voice choked slightly with tears. “And all you did was put up with me. And I fucked up your life in return. I was practically using you, Buffy, and you just let me. Why? Why did you do that?” He looked up at her, but didn’t wait for her answer. “And then you got pregnant...” Buffy felt her heart and stomach constrict as he mentioned their dead baby. She looked down at the floor, away from his penetrating gaze as a tear finally fell, the memories he talked about rushing back to her like a freight train. Images of them making love flashed in her mind... and then the pain was there, reminding her of why she had run away each time she saw him. She remembered telling him... then she remembered getting the abortion. Buffy shuddered, wrapping her arms tighter as she shook her head. “And you said you loved me...” “Stop,” Buffy said in an almost non-existent voice, his last words almost the last straw. “Please stop...” “And then I killed our baby... God, Buffy...” Buffy looked up at her name and crinkled her face in an attempt to stop herself from crying. “Angel...” Buffy said, and Angel responded by standing. “I’m so sorry, Buffy. I... I’m so sorry. I never had any right to do that... I’m so sorry.” Buffy finally let a sob free and wrapped her arms around herself tighter. She didn’t hear Angel moving until he was in front of her. And then his arms were around her as she cried. Collapsing into his arms, Buffy let it all loose. She distinctly felt a few hot tears rain on her skin as they sank to the floor.
l be kind, rewind l back to top l
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