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My memories of that time have yet to disperse. Everything that happened...I can feel it and see it so clearly that I feel like I’m reliving it. Is that strange? I don’t think so. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane, even though it was the only thing that made me feel insane. I was still in high school, still a young teenager when I met him. I was just ending my Sophmore year at Sunnydale High and was applying for a job at the local coffee shop. Who knew that that moment would change my life forever? I certainly didn’t. He was so tall and domineering, standing in line for his coffee. He didn’t look like the kind of guy who would be patient enough to wait, but he managed. God, but he was so gorgeous. Every time someone entered, he casually cast his dark eyes that way, as if waiting for someone. I’ll never forget the moment I walked into the shop, the little bell above the door chiming and his eyes settling on me. Our eyes locked, but only for a moment before he turned away. But his head snapped back and our eyes met again. I remember licking my lips as I walked in. I remember the moment being in slow motion, as if time has stopped for us. I walked so slowly, but got to the check out counter so quickly - it was so strange, but that doesn’t matter. What mattered at the time was the fact that he hadn’t stopped looking at me. I could literally feel his gaze roaming my body. It gave me chills that were indescribable. After that, everything seemed to blur, but didn’t. It’s so clear, but blurred, like time decided to speed up at that moment and not stop for a long while. We began seeing each other, began our sexual relationship a month after that. It was then that I found out he was fourteen years older than me. I couldn’t exactly say I was shocked. So he was, like, thirty. I didn’t care. As long as my mother didn’t find out, things would be fine. Although, damn him, we were so close so many times. Our relationship was purely sexual, but I couldn’t deny myself the fact that I was starting to fall in love. Starting to fall in love with a thirty-year-old man. Man, not boy. A delicious man who seemed to only crave her. What would people say? I only ever told Willow, who misunderstood my need for him. He was so much older, why didn’t I choose someone my own age, there were thousands begging at my feet everyday...I didn’t hear any of it. I couldn’t. All I saw was Angel. I didn’t dare talk to him about any of this. How I feel, how all I wanted was him for my future. He wouldn’t understand...that was just the kind of guy he was. We were a couple of months into our relationship, my birthday around the corner, when I found out that I was pregnant. With his child. God, the joy mixed with the absolute terror was overwhelming...I can still feel it now, taking over me. I remember crying and laughing, then crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t be pregnant. We were so careful - always. I was on birth control and he always had on a condom. Always...no exceptions. It couldn’t be happening. I remember avoiding him for weeks until he finally cornered me. I broke down and told him everything - how I felt, that I was pregnant with his child. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I said everything. Shock, guilt, anger - all the emotions I’d ever seen on his face were mixed. But the most prominent was the terror. God, he looked so scared. What would he do? He got a sixteen year old girl pregnant. And she was in love with him. I could only imagine what he felt. He took me back to his elaborate apartment and comforted me all night...held me while I cried, told me everything was going to be okay. I fell asleep in his arms for the first time ever. It felt so right. I actually thought things were going to be okay. In the morning, he was sitting beside the bed, staring at me, his face emotionless. He told me to get an abortion. He told me that this couldn’t work - it could never work. I shut down afterwards. Willow comforted me...took care of me. I refused to get rid of the baby. In my eyes, it was a production of love - not meaningless sex. But I broke down and did as he wished. I had an abortion. I killed the only thing I would ever have left of him. He left three days afterwards, moved to some other place. He wouldn’t tell me. He was probably afraid I would start following him and tell everyone about what had happened. But I would never do that. I loved him. I remember feeling lost and still so much in love that my soul broke. I broke. I picture myself as never the same. Ever. The man I love didn’t want me or the child. Didn’t want any connection with me - so he had our love killed. I feel I could never forgive him. Feel like I should punish him. But I can’t. Because I still love him. I never stopped. That was nine years ago.
Buffy Summers sighed as she stared up at the ceiling of her bedroom. Another dream. This one was one of the better ones, comforting and...just different. Angel had been holding her again, telling her everything was going to be okay...but this time he didn’t leave. Instead, he merely said he would be there for her. That he loved her. Buffy felt like a strange cloud of confusion had settled in her stomach. The dream had been so real. Like a memory. It confused her a great deal. Rubbing her eyes in frustration, she absently rubbed her stomach as she sat up, before realizing what she was doing. She silently scolded herself. God, that was nine years ago! Why was she still so hung over on this. It shouldn’t be a big deal anymore. She’d gotten over it, hadn’t she? Shaking her head, Buffy sighed unhappily. Of course she hadn’t. She’d killed her child to make the man she loved happy. That wasn’t love on his part. She didn’t even know what it was.
l be kind, rewind l back to top l
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