Author: Anya

Parts: 1-3

E-Mail: anya@slayerfanfic.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story do not belong to me. They are creations and property of Joss Whedon, Warner Bros, etc, etc. No infringement is intended!

Season: First (BtVS)

Summery: Buffy and Xander return to Sunnydale to find that while they had their happy holidays, a tragedy that will strongly affect them both awaited their return.

Author's Preface: This story is in response to the re:Xander thread, and was inspired COMPLETELY by Cat's innoculous simple little statement of:
"Well I _would_ like Xander and buffy to be together.... Under two conditions... that Angel dissapear and that Willow dissapear."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy Summers bounded up the school steps, eager to race into Sunnydale High's dim, dull and dreary library. School wouldn't begin for another week, but the Slayer knew that her Watcher would already be firmly entrenched in his recently restructured library. It was a peanut-butter and jam thing, you just didn't anticipate the one without the other.

The late August sun streamed down on her blonde head, it's golden brillance unobscured in a cloudless sky. The trees were a rich green around her, bird's chirping optimistically within their branches and the entire world seemed fresh, clear and vibrantly alive. Pausing to inhale deeply, Buffy felt her smile widen in echo to her soul's delight with life. Humming contentedly, she pushed the school doors open. Nothing could bring her down today.
 

* * *
Giles sat wearily at the table, looking around himself with blank, dismayed confusion. He had never felt alone before, not during his childhood or during the solitary years alone as a Watcher awaiting his Slayer. But, the Slayer had brought some special people into his life, and they had filled a gap he hadn't even realized existed.

Looking at the computer in the corner, he could still clearly picture Willow sitting there, her crooked smile twirking the corners of her mouth. Behind her lurked the ghost image of Xander, peering down over her shoulder and silently teasing her.

Who would have thought that Giles would miss the sound of children teasing one another? And what he wouldn't give to see those two tease one another again.

But they never would. Not now.

Disgusted with his self-pity, Giles lurched from the chair, and stomped over to his office, intending to grab one of a zillion volumes of Prophecies to stupify his brain. Hand raised to the door, he froze as another mental picture, this time of Angel sneaking up behind him in the office, flashed through his brain.

Angel, the vampire with a soul and a conscience. Angel, who had helped Giles decipher prophecy's and fought so hard to avert them. The dark haired young-appearing man who held Buffy's heart and been a true ally, bringing as much aid as he could. Giles could still see the agony in Angel's eye, and once again felt the overwhelming empathy for the vampire. They had tried so hard, and yet, they had paid such a price...

"Enough!" Giles shouted at himself. "This is ridiculous...I can't be constantly haunted by these memories..I HAVE to stay HERE!" He punctuated his frustration by slamming his fist into the door.

"Woah! Not enough coffee, or tea, or whatever you Brit's drink for caffeine..this morning!" Buffy brightly intoned behind him. Giles was slightly more rumpled than she had left him four weeks ago, but, still intact. She smiled cheerfully.

Giles spun around to face his Slayer. "Buffy." He mumbled. Absently, and rather haphazardly, he tugged his glasses off and ran his hand through his hair. He seemed to disappear into some dank corner of his mind, before returning suddenly. "Uh..I....ah, that is..Hello. H--how was your, uh..vacation?"

Buffy's forehead creased with bemusement. "My vacation was excellent. Very restful. I highly recommend it, for you in particular, and the world in general."

"That's nice." Giles pushed his office door open, practically bolting in, grabbing a book at random, and racing out. As if outracing demons.

Buffy felt her lips twist as she tried to repress a giggle. Her happy euphoria couldn't even be dimmed by Giles. Trailing after him with a bounce in her step, she spun a chair around and straddled it.

"Where's Willow? You seen her recently?" The question popped out of nowhere, one of a million social questions that Buffy had percolating in her brain.

Giles response was more spectatular. He entirely missed the chair he was about to sit in. Buffy jumped up to help him up, only now beginning to get suspicious of his behaviour.

"Well, Giles? Have you seen her? Or, how about Xander or Angel?" Buffy prodded.

"N-nno. I haven't seen Xander. I...is he back from his holidays as well?" Giles skipped past the former and the later for the one in the middle. At least that was a question he could honestly answer.

"Should be." Buffy resituated herself on the chair, her chin rested on her forearms across the high back. "He left before me, and was supposed to be back before me."

"Oh." The answer was halfhearted, and more than slightly disinterested. The Watcher instead focused his gaze on the book, silently cursing the foolish haste that made him grab it. Aesop's Fables, in their original germanic text. Somehow, he doubted he'd get any great pearls of wisdom out of this.

Buffy gave a little grunt at him, his head shot up. "So, I answered the Xander question for YOU," she stressed. "How about you tackle the Willow question for me?" She levelled a sweet saccharine smile at him.

Frustration , anger and dismay flooded him, and it raced like shadows across his features, despite the best effort to contain it. " I can't."

Buffy let a little frown mar her face. "Can't or won't?" She leaned forward on the chair, her rear end lifted off the seat. "Somethings going on, Giles..and I want to know what."

Giles stared at the hard eyes of the Slayer. In his worst imaginings, he didn't think this would get as ugly as he now feared it would. The promise he had made again asserted itself firmly in his brain, and he shied away from his desire to just tell the truth.

He opened his mouth, prepared to deliver a total false account of his interactions with Willow.

The library door slammed open. "She's GONE!" Xander's bellow was filled with pain. The boy came into their view. He was breathing heavy, as if he had run the entire way, and tear-trails marked along his face. "Willow's gone. Her parents say she disappeared two weeks ago....they went to the police, and everything..and they had to...they think she's..." Xander stopped, taking a deep breath. He extended a clenched hand, a slim sheet of paper crumpled within that firm grip. "They gave me a note she left me..if she were to...they..she..with all the accidents that happen around here, the cops said she might be d-ddead."

End Part 1

Giles silently watched Buffy and Xander as they struggled to deal with their pain, fears and grief. Xander's announcement had devastated Buffy, just as Giles had feared it would. And as much as Giles wanted to offer them some comforting words of hope, he couldn't.

The two bewildered and hurt teens huddled close on the sofabed in Giles' office. Their eyes, one set just filled with pain, the others reddened with tears, pinned to the Watcher, and those gazes felt like knives into him. "It's like they know I'm keeping the truth from them." The Watcher silently mused, turning so that his back faced them.

His own pain was no less, and in many ways, was greater. He had failed Willow, and in doing so, failed Buffy. How would she react when she found out Angel was gone too? The Slayer needed emotional stability to function well, and this tragedy could very well rob her of the calm she needed.

All the preparation, the studying, the researching he had done, and it had all been fruitless. Willow had suffered so greatly, and her sacrifice had been made for Buffy, as had Angel's. Giles''s sacrifice had been the promise Willow had extracted from him. At the time, it seemed to be so little, so pointless, but now, as he faced her friends, he began to see why she had apologized for asking it.

"What happened, Giles. You MUST know something?" Buffy's whisper was fair near desperate. "Willow's not dead...is she? I mean...they..." Her voice broke off, and Giles could *hear* the tears she was fighting back. "They didn't..." The voice dropped to a squeak of a whisper. "...get her...did they?"

Reaching down, he picked up the thin leather book. The black leather should have been worn completely, the number of times his hands had picked at it these past two weeks. It was the only out Willow had left him, before she ...left.

"I'm sorry, Buffy." Giles turned back to them. "I'm sorry for both of you. Willow...she...disappeared, as Xander said, two weeks ago. From what I've been able to determine, her disappearance was not the result of vampires." *No, the vampires had interfered long before Willow had vanished forever.* His mind added silently.

Xander dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking softly. "God...god! Where is she?"

"Gone." Giles mentally answered. His promise stayed his tongue.

Buffy reached out to wrap her arm around Xander's shoulders. Her own grief repressed for her friends needs. "Maybe Angel could help?" She offered softly, knowing Xander's dislike for the vampire, but also sensing he would accept whatever aid, from whatever source, if it would answer what had happened in Sunnydale two weeks ago.

Across the room, Giles grimaced. His hands turned the book over endlessly in agitation. Schooling his features, he saw Xander nod, and begin to stand.

Buffy stood too, her eyes catching the rumpled cream envelope Xander had dropped earlier. Scooping, she swept it up into her hands, turning it over to see Willow's crisp strokes marking the envelope cleanly.

"Xander..did you read this yet?" She asked, trying very hard to be sensitive to him, but needing to scream her own grief at the same time.

The Slayerette shook his head negatively. He reached out for it, and Buffy handed it over. For a long moment, he stared at his name on the envelope, before turning it over and quickly ripping it open. Pulling out the handwritten missive, he swallowed hard, and unfolded it.
 

"Dear Xander,
If my parents are giving this to you, then I guess the worst really did happen. I can't be too serious about it right now, 'cause it'll make me hysterical. Living on the Hellmouth is quite the psychological challenge, isn't it?

I'll just come out and say this. I don't know how I died, I hope it was quick, and painless, but I really didn't want to die. There was so many things I wanted to say or do first. And I didn't want to leave my best bud, Alexander Harris.

I never said this to you, 'cause I was sure that I would die waiting for your response, (I won't have to worry 'bout that now...so..) but I love you. I always did, and I hope I always will.

You've been my best friend, despite everything. You believed in me, supported me, teased me, played with me when we were kids, you were my big brother, my confidante, my enemy, my hero, and the most wonderful person alive. And I loved you. I was always so scared to say that, 'cause I need you around, and you cared about someone else.

I hope you can forgive me for leaving you. And I hope you can remember me with a smile. Right now, it's probably very painful, and I wish I could hug you and take all the pain away, but I can't.

I'm sorry Xander, I'm so very sorry. Please, be well, live well and be happy, for me? I love you now, and I'll love you later.

Forever,
Willow

P.S. I even forgive you for the Beach Blast Barbie thing!"

Xander's howl filled the room, and he collapsed to the floor pounding his fist down, shoulder's heaving. "Noooooooo!" The grief was so raw, and so anguished, he could feel nothing but pain.

Buffy grabbed the note from a lax hand, quickly reading it. Tears filled her own eyes. Sitting down beside Xander, she pulled him into her arms, rocking him like a small child, and smoothing the hair back from his face.

Giles watched silently, the book in his hands no longer moving, but clenched in whitening knuckles. He knew what was in that letter, from Xander's response. In retrospect, Willow should have destroyed it. If the boy discovered the truth, it would make the words of that letter even more painful.

And Giles had to believe that despite the precautions that had been taken, and the promise he had made, that they would discover the truth. It would hurt, but also give them hope.

And having hope was better than having nothing.

End Part 2

Buffy wandered around the deserted apartment in stoney silence. Her face set in a mask of stoney calm, but the eyes were haunted. The furniture was all gone, and dust had settled on the concrete floors. It was a barren, lifeless place now, although, nothing living had dwelt there before.

Aimlessly, she drifted into the bedroom, then the bathroom, and final the kitchenette. The fridge was unplugged and properly defrosted, and the water disconnected. The former resident was not coming back.

Anger seethed through her, a rage like nothing she had ever known before, turning swiftly, her foot smashed through a cupboard, weakening the entire counter structure so that the one side collapsed entirely. And still she felt fury.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!" Her scream echoed off the walls around her. There was nothing and no one to provide an answer. Closeing her eyes tightly, she shook her head slowly, and looked down at her clenched fist. "What happened to them?" She whispered, sinking down to her knees.

The grief she had repressed for Xander's benefit overwhelmed her now. Before, it had been containable, she had hope that Angel could help them find Willow, or prove she wasn't dead ...they could still save her. But now, even hope was gone, and with it, Buffy's heart.

The attraction she had felt for Angel was the one constant in her universe she had denied so faithfully. Or, at least, had tried to. They hadn't become overly close, that was their mutual decision, and yet, somehow, she had fallen in love with him. And never told him.

"I envy Xander..." She realized, wiping away a tear from her face with a dusty hand. Despite the pain he was feeling, at least Xander knew that Willow loved him. And that Willow forgave him for not returning the same level of devotion.

Buffy didn't even have that. Another wave of anger swept through her, a fury directed at herself, at fate, and only a little at Angel. She ached to cry like Xander had, but the anger wouldn't let her. Later, perhaps, but not now.

Throwing her head back in a silent scream, her fist pounded into the floorboards by the cupboard. It buckled suddenly, a long stretch of board flying across the room in response the the inertia against it, and startling Buffy back to her senses.

Looking at the hole, she cringed to think what the landlord would say. She scrambled across the floor to grab the wood, and returned to replace it, or at least to cover the whole. Examining the edges of the opening, a small white coilbound book caught her eye. Quickly, and with a squeamish grimace, she fetched it out of the hole, half expecting a rat or something to jump out of there too.

Buffy slid the piece of wood back ontop the hole, startled to see how well it fit. "It's not broken!" She realized. "It's a panel for a hiding spot!" Grabbing the book again, she jerked it open. Her eyes briefly touched on the name on the inside cover before flying wide. "Oh. My. God." She whispered.

Buffy licked her lips anxiously, and weighed down her options. She could read it here, or take it to read with Xander. Curiousity ached in her, the desire for answers, but her compassion won out. Closing the notebook, she left the apartment, turning on the threshold for a final look before locking the door.
 

* * *
None of the parental units were at home at the Harris residence. If either of Xander's Mom or Dad had heard that Willow was presumed dead, they would have never left their son alone. But, their ignorance gave Xander time to sink into a fabulous depression.

Sitting in his the living room, he just stared at the letter in his hands unseeingly. Willow had loved him, and he hadn't known. She had felt so much for him, and all he had done was rant and rave about how crazy he was about Buffy. He had practiced asking Buffy out on Willow...how cruel was that?

And she had still loved him.

It made Xander want someone to hit him around for a few hours. To give him a physical pain that matched the emotional. She had loved him, and had been so insecure she couldn't tell him in life. She had LOVED him, for Christ sake. She could have been that part of his life that people always hoped for, a best friend and a lover..the perfect other half!

And now, she was gone. And he was alone.

Again.

Always.

His mind kept reminding him of what kind emptiness his life would now have without Willow. Jesse's death had been painful, he was a bud. But he hadn't been like Willow. Willow was everything. She was his soul's sister, his pal, his study-buddy, the person he had whispered all his secrets to, and who had held them for him.

And she was gone. Forever.

It was self-pity, but he felt abandoned. He wanted to be angry at Willow, but couldn't, since he betrayed her first. He had went away when she needed him here.

And he hadn't even sent a post-card. What kind of friend did that? "A lousy one, that's what kind!" His mind yelled at him. "One that can even see the most incredible woman alive when she IS alive and right in front of him! A MORON!"

His head was once more in his hands, and shoulder's shook with silent dry sobs. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..forgive me, oh God..I'm sorry!"

So lost was he within his pain, he didn't hear the door open and close, and he didn't feel the arms slip around him. It was several minutes before Xander realized that Buffy was again holding him. Her own eyes seemed red, and reflected much of the same pain he felt.

"He's gone too." She whispered softly. The 'he' was understood, and despite Xander's long-standing dislike of Angel, he instinctively knew that Buffy was hurting as much as he was.

He couldn't offer sympathy, it took all his strength to not fall apart again. Angel had been their only hope for answers. If Giles knew something, he wasn't forthcoming. "What are we gonna do?" Xander heard his voice break, and yet, didn't feel his ego protest it with shame. The ego was so trashed, it didn't exist anymore.

Buffy snuffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I...it may be nothing, but I found this at Angel's apartment." She pulled the small notebook off the ground. "I..I'm hoping it'll tell us something. I don't know how it got where it did, unless..." Her voice trailed off. Forcing herself to stare directly into Xander's eyes, she whispered, "It's Willow's journal."
 

* * *
August 12, 1997
Dear Diary,

I can't believe Xander and Buffy have been gone two weeks! It feels like YEARS! I've been so lonely, and so bored, I've taken to helping Giles set the library back up. They finished reconstruction last week, and he's needed the help.

The new fixtures are amazing. And Giles even made sure that the new computer had every gadget I've every dreamed of. I think it's his way of ensuring that I do his computer research for him! Oh well, whatever the reason, I love my new toy! (Did I say mine? Oops! I meant, the school's new toy. That's right! ;-) )

Well, I guess that's it, diary. Life's pretty boring, without Buffy around. Bye!
 

* * *
August 14, 1997

Dear Diary,

I hope someone will be able to read this one day. I hope it's me, and that I'll be able to laugh about all this.

But I can't right now. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening to me!

I left the library Monday night a little late. Giles packed me with holy water and a stake, despite the fact there's been no ACTIVITY for three weeks. We thought it was safe, and we were wrong.

I don't remember the who, just the what. Four vamps grabbed me. If it had been two, I'd have been okay. But..it wasn't..and now..I..

I'm sorry..I can't do this! I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't understand what's happening, Giles hasn't been able to find out much about this...CAUSE IT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

Angel is trying, but he doesn't know either. If he hadn't found me when he did, God knows what else Colin would have done to me. God. Oh, I do hope there is one. And I hope He takes pity on me.

I'm so scared. And I'm so alone. I just want a chance to say goodbye, and I'm not going to get it...am I?
 

* * *
August 16, 1997

Dear Diary,

It's happened. We rather suspected it would, and I'm surprised at how calm I am. Is this part of the changes? Is this a real calm, or artificial?

Am I losing my soul?

Angel says the blood in my system is artificially induced. I can't loose my soul 'cause I never accepted it. He says it's the same principle as a vampire needing 'invited' across a home's threshold. Without acknowledgment and agreement, the demon has no power. And he and Giles both agree that since the blood was forced into me, and not by my ingesting it, a demon cannot enter my being.

So, why am I changing? Why can't they answer that? Why am I having bloodlusts?

Why is my reflection fading?
 

* * *
August 17, 1997

Dear Diary,

I have to leave. I can't stay here. I wanted to KILL that man. I ached to drain him entirely and hear his heartbeat stop!

What kind of monster am I becoming? I didn't diary, I didn't even touch him. But I learned something horrible today. If I hadn't had supplies here, supplies that Angel has been providing, I would have cheerfully ripped that poor man's throat out.

Angel says I'm wrong. I don't 'change' like a vampire does. My features remain constant, and I can move easily within the sunlight.

Does that make me a supermonster then? I can hunt during the day, and my alleged prey would never suspect it?

I feel guilt, and fury at these urges. I'm glad. It means my soul hasn't left..yet. But it still might.

I hate Colin. I hate him with all my being. And if I drink ANY vampires blood, it will be his heartblood!

HE did this to me! He captured me, he tortured me, he drained me of all my blood!

And then he tried to make me drink his. The little child-shaped MONSTER! He taunted me, said he'd make a creation the Slayer could NOT slay. Damn him.

He's right. The Slayer will not slay me. I'll do it. It won't take much to shove a stake through my own heart. My willpower is still mine, and my survival instinct is not so strong as to refuse my souls desire. I won't just leave Sunnydale, I'll leave this unholy existence entirely. The way I should have in the first place.

I should have died. I should have been allowed to die by that little bastard. I guess I'm living proof that you can make a vampire, of sorts, by injecting blood directly into their stomach.

It's funny, I was never afraid of needles before then. I am now, although I'll never need another shot after tonight!

Angel and Giles are planning on doing more research tonight. Works for me. 'Cause tonight, me and my stake are having a bonding moment.

And I still won't have had the chance to say good bye. I hope Buffy and Xander will realize how much I love them, and that I'm doing this to spare them even more pain.

I hope they forgive me.

And God, I hope you take me in.

Goodnight, and Goodbye.
Forever and Always,
Willow Rosenburg.

* * *
They were both bawling by the end of the journal. Horrified, anguished and intensely saddened. It was the confirmation of their worst fears. That Willow had died. And it was compounded by an even greater tragedy, she had died alone, by her own hand, and intensely scared.

Closing the coil book gently, Buffy set it down with reverence on the floor before standing. Her eyes were puffy, and face strained, but the set of her jaw spoke of purpose.

"Let's go Xander." She said, her throat raw from all the crying. "We have most of our answers, but...I want more. And Giles' has them."
 

* * *
He had been expecting them. From the moment Buffy had left for Angel's, Giles' had known she would return wanting answers, or just plain comfort. He hadn't been sure about Xander, but had conceded it a likelihood.

They were showing wear from all the bad news. Their faces were far too haggard for their tender years, and the burden's on their souls fair near shone through. It was a burden Giles' was all too familiar with, but could not lift from them.

He sat down heavily as they stalked over to him. Buffy held out a coil notebook as if it was proof. Taking it from her, and flipping quickly through it, he realized it was just that.

Proof of his compliance in a conspiracy of silence.

Sighing, he mentally apologized to Willow and Angel. It was a promise that he would be forced to break. And in the long run, he was sure that Willow would forgive him.

"She's not precisely dead." He offered softly. "She did try to stake herself. Angel stopped her." Giles had been there, he had watched in absolute horror as Angel raced to grab the stake from Willow's hands.

It had taken the entire night to convince her of their plans. And another day and night to stage the evidence of her death. After that, the two of them and quietly left Sunnydale for Europe, and hopefully the Rom.

It was Willow's fears for her soul that endangered her most. So, if a curse could restore Angel's soul, surely a blessing should anchor Willows.

"She will never return here, Buffy, Xander. Not in our lifetime." They were sitting now, seeing the exhausted weariness in his face, and hearing the pain in his voice. "I couldn't find anything to reverse what the Anointed One did to her. And she can't live like that, not here. Not near you. The love she bears for you both won't let her become a constant reminder of what YOU will see as your failure."

"You didn't fail her. You never could. Neither one of you." Giles sadly pinned his gaze on them both. "Angel and I bear that responsibility, not you."

"I should never have let her stay here as late as she did that night, and Angel should have gone looking for her the moment we knew she was missing." His shoulder's slumped. "We failed her. And in failing her, we owe her."

"Angel is with her. He will not leave her. The hope is to find more of the Rom. Perhaps they can save Willow. If so, she'll return. Until then..." The Watcher let his voice trail off.

"Until then, they are both lost to us." Turning back to Buffy, he extended the slim black book. "This is my journal on those events. You are free to read them. It won't be gentle, or nice, but it is an honest account."

Standing slowly, he let his hands rest flush on the table top, head bowed. "I promised Willow to keep this information from you. Please, respect that I can tell you nothing more. I have betrayed her twice now, do not make me betray her three times."

The library was silent, as the Watcher left two sad, lonely friends to grieve a lost third.
 
 

The End
 
 

I know. I left this finishing with NO RESOLUTION! It's cruel, and I feel no shame.

This entire brief story is the result on the "who would like to see Xander with Buffy". I can't picture it either, without Willow and Angel being out of the scene. Now they are, can you still picture it?

read the sequal 'Gone II: Sacrifices' by Jomei

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