Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer belong exclusively to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. I'm just borrowing.
Part one in the Friends... Lovers... Series.
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"Oh God... What have I done?"
"Nothing you didn't want to. Nothing you didn't enjoy." Angelus was pressed against her, whispering right into her face. His dark eyes bore into hers, and even past her tears, she could see the evil inside him clearly.
His hand shot out, grabbing her throat tightly, his sharp nails pressing so deeply into her neck he drew blood. "Do me a favor, will you?" He bent down to lick the blood seeping from the small cuts on her throat. "Tell Buffy it was good for me."
Angelus pulled quickly away from her, then stopped suddenly. His eyes dimmed and agony lit his face. She knew instantly that Angelus was gone.
"Willow?" Angel whispered her name inaudibly. "Oh God… What have I done?"
The wailing blare of the alarm clock snapped Willow from sleep. She sat up in her bed quickly, turning the alarm off as she yawned, then ran her hands through her disheveled hair. She slumped back in the bed, sighing earnestly. This has to stop, she told herself. These dreams are getting too much… I can't keep remembering. I can't. I have to let it go.
Since finding out that Angel was back in Sunnydale, her life had taken a turmoil driven turn for the worst. There'd been those countless indiscretions with Xander. Indiscretions she'd rather forget. And then Oz… But the worst had been Angel. The revelation of his return had played havoc with her. First the feelings had returned, and then the memories of Angelus. Now, she was plagued by unwanted dreams.
I have to let it go.
The first time she'd seen Angel since his return, when he'd saved her life, there had been a brief moment between them. A quick gaze as he helped her from the floor. The sorrow and the grief in that glance was heart breaking…
And maybe, it occurred to her suddenly, that was what it was. That was the very thing tormenting her.
I have to let it go, she told herself. And so does Angel.
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"Oz… Hey…" Willow smiled at Oz warmly as he walked by her in the corridor. He smiled back at her half-heartedly and kept walking.
Beside her, Buffy watched her carefully, catching the sad look in her best friends' eyes. "He'll come round, Will. Just give it time." The Slayer closed her locker door, "You'll see."
The red head by her side flashed her a slightly disgruntled grin, "I know, Buffy. You've told me… Ooohhh, isn't it about 100 times now?"
Buffy laughed, "Only because *someone* needs to keep hearing it." She leaned back against the bank of lockers, "So, wanna be study buddies tonight?" Willow's face set uncomfortably and Buffy asked sweetly, "And that look on your face is because?"
"Well…" Willow leaned against the locker next to the Slayer, "I'm doing the chatty thing tonight. I think. Well, I hope."
"With Oz?"
Shaking her head, Willow replied, "A-Angel, actually." When Angel had first returned, Willow had mentioned once or twice that she wanted to talk to Angel about what had passed between her and Angelus. Buffy had asked that it wait, if only to give Angel time to readjust to his surroundings. Now, Willow wanted to talk. She needed to talk.
"Oh." Buffy's face was a mask of mystification. "I thought you were going to leave it for a while… Not that I'm saying the chatty thing is bad because you need the chatty thing, right? And Angel, he probably needs the chatty thing too. So, you do the chatty thing…"
Willow cut her friend off, understanding in her voice, "Buffy, I don't have to go tonight. I can wait if it makes you… Well, uncomfortable. If you don't want me to."
Buffy smiled, "No, you should. You need to talk and so… Talk." She shrugged, "I guess I'm just adjusting to the whole not seeing Angel anymore thing. It's kinda… Weird… You know?"
"Do you want me to tell him you say hi?"
The Slayer shook her head, "No… It's probably better not to have any contact, for now at least. But you should go. You should." She pushed off the locker and started to walk, motioning for Willow to walk with her. "So, have you thought about what you're gonna say?"
Falling into step beside her, Willow replied, playfully bold, "Nope. I figured I'll wing it."
"Winging it is good. You just say what you feel, no rehearsing and stuff."
Willow's cheeks flushed red as she confessed, "Well, actually, I did write it down, but it was…" She smiled at Buffy, "Well, not good and well, I would forget and ramble and make a bigger mess, so, you know?"
Buffy nodded, returning her friends smile. "I know."
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"Angel?" Willow stepped hesitantly through the open doorway, calling again. "Angel?" When no reply came, she walked a little further into the room of the old mansion. The fireplace sparked warmly, so she moved toward it, cold from the late Autumn air outside. She sat on the ledge by the fire, stretching her hands out to warm them. Her gaze melted sadly into the flames before her. If she had to, she'd wait for Angel all night. Her desire to speak to him had grown so much that she was unable to further contain it.
The last time she'd been here, when she had helped Angel and Buffy destroy the Glove of Minigon, he hadn't looked her in the eye once. When she spoke to him, he answered shortly, nervously, and if she did not speak to him first, he would not speak to her at all. Buffy had told her to give him time, and Willow had wanted to. It was two weeks since she'd last seen him. That was long enough. In Willow's eyes, the longer she left it to talk to Angel, the harder it would be for both of them.
She didn't hate Angel. She didn't know how to. Like the others, she'd been upset when she had learned he somehow managed to return from the realms of hell. But it was not because he'd returned. It had been simply, purely, because Buffy, her best friend in the whole world had hidden him from her. She knew Buffy was worried about how each of her friends would react, but Willow believed she'd made it abundantly clear in the past that she wanted Angel back. She willingly re-cast his curse. She asked herself, If I wanted him back all those months ago, then why would Buffy think I wouldn't want him back now?
"Willow?" When Angel's voice reached her, she turned to face him, seeing him in the doorway, buried deep inside his black, woolen overcoat. She tried to smile at him, but the gesture was wasted. Her nerves had taken hold of her. The vampire stepped slowly toward her, asking gently, "What are you doing here?"
She climbed awkwardly to her feet. "You." She cringed, "Er, I came to see you… I… I thought maybe we could, you know, talk. L-Like we used to."
"Things were different then." He stood opposite her at the fire, his eyes lowered. "It was…" He broke off, unsure how to finish the sentence.
"Angel…" Willow sat down, shakily motioning for him to do the same. Somewhat reluctant, he sat on the ledge, still not looking at her. "I want you to know some things… And I want to know some things…" She smiled nervously, "I'm not angry. About what happened before. With Angelus. Not angry with you, at all, ever."
Angel sighed inaudibly, "You have every right to be…"
Willow shook her head, "No. No, I don't." Without thinking, Willow slid across the ledge so she could take his hand, but when she touched him, he pulled away from her. Hurt filled her beautiful green eyes, but she persisted. "You didn't hurt me. Angelus did."
"We're one and the same, Willow…"
"You're not. I know the real Angel. I looked into Angelus' eyes, and what I saw in there, that wasn't you. And that night… On the beach…" The memory played out in her mind, "He told me I got it. That no one else did. I… I was the only one who knew that you were different. He told me that. And it was the truth." Starting to get hot in front of the fire, Willow stood, pacing nervously.
Every time her back turned as she paced, Angel glanced up at her, quickly looking away before she could turn to see his eyes on her. Whenever he looked at her, he remembered. Every intimate detail. The touch of her skin, her lips, and her tears when it was all over. When she'd realized what he'd done. But the memory that stood strongest was her love for him. It had overwhelmed every sense he had, cleared his mind of all else, and even without his soul, it had touched him deeply. And now he had his soul again. And everyday he hated himself for hurting her. For using the most pure part of her as a toy. Her heart.
He got up, clearing his throat, "You should probably go, Willow, before it gets too late." Angel made to walk away, "Sunnydale's not exactly a safe place."
"Don't you care?" Willow's voice shot out at him painfully. He halted, and she went on, "Is that why you're not even making the effort to speak with me?"
Tears welled up in Angel's eyes, "I care, Willow. I care too much. I hurt you so bad, and…" His voice fell away.
"Then why won't you talk to me?" Angel still did not move from the place he stood, but he made no move to answer her either. Angry in ways she didn't know she could be, Willow shook her head, "At least Angelus would talk to me." And with that, she turned and walked away. Out of the mansion and into the night.
Angel turned to look after her, tears spilling from his eyes. Realization came to him meekly. Again he'd hurt her. Again.
He sat back on the ledge, dropping his head into his hands. Willow has a right to want to talk about this. He sighed, I owe it to her to talk about this. I owe her so much.
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Tears still flowing from her eyes at a rapid rate, Willow had considered not even bothering to answer her phone when it rang beside her. But ten or so rings later, she'd settled enough to talk to whoever was calling her. After all, they lived on a Hellmouth. It could be, as it often was, an emergency.
"Hello?" She spoke quietly into the phone as she held the receiver to her ear.
"Willow. Hi."
Surprised, to say the least, at the sound of the vampire's voice on the other end of the line, Willow asked quietly, "Angel?"
He stuttered nervously over the sentence he was trying to get out, "I… I… I wanted to say that… You know… I'm sorry. For before. I was… Wrong. I should have listened to you. And talked to you. We… We need to talk. You're right."
A humble, little smile touched her face. "Really?"
"Yeah." Silence followed for a few moments and then Angel asked, "Do you want to meet up? Maybe tomorrow night?"
Willow nodded to herself. "I'd like that." She offered quietly, "I can come to the mansion if you want."
Pausing for a moment to consider that option, Angel murmured, "Hmm… Maybe I should come to you. To your house, if you like. It saves you the long walk home."
Considerate as always, Willow thought. "Okay. Just after sundown?"
"Sure."
Relief filled Willow's voice, "So then… I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Yes." Angel's voice was a little more relaxed as he spoke now, "Goodnight then, Willow." He paused and then added, "Sweet dreams…" The phone went dead and Willow leaned across her bed to hang it back up.
Sweet dreams.
She sighed, snuggling further into her warm bed, If only he knew…