Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: The characters of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer belong exclusively to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers. I'm just borrowing.
Part eight in the Friends... Lovers... Series.
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The Librarian kept a close eye on the fragile red head as she tossed and turned in the chair in his office, quietly sobbing to herself as she slept. Tears stung his eyes at the mere sight. Of all the 'Slayerettes' it was Willow who had always been the most cheerful and loving, and now she was disconsolate when she deserved to be happy.
She snapped from sleep suddenly, gazing about her wildly. When she spotted Giles, her cheeks flushed red, "Giles? Where am I?"
"In my office…" He motioned one hand toward her, "Do you remember?" She shook her head and he sighed gently, explaining quietly, "Cordelia found you in the girl's bathroom, I assume you went there after you left here…" Willow was perplexed, trying to remember, he thought, as he went on. "You were very upset, and you must have hit your head. I checked the wound. Your stitches are all in tact, but I had to change the compress."
Willow tried to smile, "That explains the pounding in my head…" She whispered, "I'm sorry to have been such a bother…"
Giles grinned at her, "Believe me, *you* were not the bother. But I did have a dickens of a time getting Cordelia to leave."
"Was she worried about me?" She asked, slightly disbelieving. When Giles nodded, she scrunched her face up cutely, "Wow."
Crossing the room to kneel before her, Giles asked gently, "Willow, what's wrong? The last few weeks, you've been…" He shrugged, "Well, to be honest, happier than I have ever seen you, and now…" He reached out a hand to touch her face for a brief second. "Whatever could make you so sad." He added quickly, nervously, "I know I'm not really the person you'd usually confide in… But whatever it is, I know you haven't told Buffy or Xander or Oz. You're bottling up. Maybe I can help."
"Giles…" Willow struggled for the breath to continue. Just tell him. Tell someone. If I don't, I'm gonna go mad. Resigned, she whispered, "I'm such a bad person." The tears came again and Giles hurried forward to scoop her into his arms and cuddle her warmly, "I always thought I had a good heart… But I… I lie… I cheat… I'm so terrible." She buried her head in his tweed jacket as she continued to cry furiously.
And Giles let her. He did not speak false words of comfort or try to understand something he knew nothing about. First let her cry. Let her get it all out. He stroked her hair affectionately, then when she's ready to talk, then I can help her.
Eventually, the tears stopped coming. Willow's breath slowly but surely returned to normal. Her eyes remained polluted by pain, but she was in control again. Giles put a friendly palm against her cheek and asked, "What is it, Willow? What is it that hurts so terribly inside you?"
She barely got the word out. "Angel…"
The Watcher nodded in understanding. He *had* heard her right in the bathroom after all. She *had* called him Angel. He took her hands in his, whispering, "Tell me about Angel."
"I…" She took a deep breath when she felt new tears coming, holding them back. "I love him. I've loved him for so long…" Giles face fixed sympathetically. "Before he changed, even when he was changed, I loved him."
An overbearingly lone fact occurred to Giles suddenly and he unwittingly stammered it out loud, "That was how Angelus tricked you…"
Willow looked up at the older man, their eyes locking. "Yes." She murmured. "And even then, Giles, I couldn't stop. I knew he was Buffy's… I knew he'd never be mine… But…" A lone tear strolled down her face, "When Buffy left him, we became so close… And he was with me because he wanted to be with me. Then he just… He pushed me away. Only to go back to Buffy…" She sighed, "Again."
"I'm so sorry, Willow."
She shook her head, "Don't be. I'm not." She bowed her head again, "I love him, and I can't change that, and I can't win him back… I can't even tell Buffy that we…" She shrugged, "You know." She sensed Giles nod, "But I'll always have the memories, right?"
A small sob escaped her and Giles gathered her into his arms again, recognizing how strong she was trying to be. Trying to spare herself, and maybe even himself a little, he realized. "Willow, if Angel was with you… Then I know he cared for you. He doesn't give his heart very easily, and if he shared it with you…" Giles was unsure how to continue.
"I didn't deserve it…" She whispered.
"What do you mean?"
Willow looked up into Giles' gentle face, "How could I have even… Buffy… I'm terrible…"
"No!" This time Giles cut her off, his voice stern. "You are in love." His voice softened, "And as I recall you saying on several occasions, 'Love makes you do the wacky.'" The sound of the word 'wacky' escaping Giles lips made Willow giggle. "It hurts now, Willow, but it *will* all work out."
"Giles?" Willow asked, a hint of fear in her tone, "You won't tell Buffy, will you? Or Oz? Or Xander?" She sighed, "I… I don't know what to tell them."
Giles kissed her forehead, "It's all right. This is, and will forever be, our secret." He smiled, "Just from now on, if something like this happens, *don't* bottle it up. A lot of people care about you, Willow. You don't need to face anything alone."
Willow snuggled into the Watcher's arms, hugging him tightly, "Thanks, Giles."
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Almost the entire notepad was empty, Giles noted, as he watched Willow slaving away over the paper in front of her. She must have so much to say…
Willow stared down into the paper. Write about it… Giles said that would help. She thought for a moment, write about it, and then give it to Angel. Put an end to at all. Say the things I wanted to say but couldn't…
A few sentences popped into her head and she scrawled them neatly onto the sheet of paper before her. Ten minutes later, she was done. "Giles?"
"Yes, Willow?" He called down to her from somewhere between the stacks.
"Have you got an envelope?"
He stepped from the stacks, "An envelope?" She nodded and he asked quietly, "Er, what for?"
She smiled gently, "I'm going to deliver this."
********************
Angel delved into the top drawer of the small dresser in his bedroom, pulling out a small tin box. He carried it across the room and sat down on his bed, opening it as thought it might break.
It was Willow's face that peered up at him. He dug his hand into the box, taking out the small pile of photographs and glancing through them. He had once asked Buffy for some photo's of her, and as moved as she was, she hadn't been keen on sorting through photographs of herself.
So she'd given Angel a box full of photos. Told him to take what he liked. And he had. That was a year ago, maybe more. He'd found amongst the photographs an amazing picture of Willow. Her long red hair draping elegantly down her back as she laughed wildly, her eyes dancing. The moment he saw that photo, it was as though he was seeing Willow for the first time. He was struck by her beauty. Beauty he couldn't believe he'd ever overlooked. From that moment on, Willow wasn't just Buffy's friend anymore.
Instead she was an astounding young woman. A woman who had on more than one occasion managed to stir the emotions within him into a raging storm of passion. He loved Buffy, but part of him had always desired Willow. Especially now… Now I know what it is to be part of her life.
But now, he had his Slayer back. Buffy loves me… Still… He sighed, his eyes captivated by Willow's image before him. I have my Slayer… But I'm so damn miserable…
"Angel?" The vampire dropped the tin box in surprise when he heard Willow's voice coming from the main room. It clattered across the floor and he cringed. Too late to hide. He made out her footsteps heading his way, so he dived to pick up the box and her photo, pushing them under his bed. He'd made his way half way across the room when she stepped through the doorway.
She stopped abruptly when she saw him. "Hey."
He stopped too, "Hey."
"I… I just wanted to stop b-by. And say hi…" She broke off, unsure how to go on. For minutes they stood in silence, unable to even look at each other.
Eventually Angel asked her, "So, how are things with you?"
"Great." Willow replied. Nervous, she blurted out the next sentence without thinking, "O-Oz and I are back t-together."
Angel flinched, the stammered sentence dealing him an almost physical blow. That was what I wanted… He asked himself, or did I? He whispered, "Good. I'm happy for you."
"Yeah… Well…" Willow looked up suddenly, "I know… About you and Buffy. You're together… Again." She sighed, "God, I have so much to say." She felt hot tears coming to her eyes, "I don't know where to start."
Gulping quietly, Angel tried to string together a sentence, "Willow… God… I'm… I'm sorry…"
"Don't be." She smiled meekly as her tears began to fall, "Angel, you love her. I never had any delusions…" She admitted slowly, "Except one."
He almost didn't want to know, but he asked anyway, his voice soft, "What?"
"I…" A gentle sob escaped her, "I thought that even loving Buffy, maybe there'd be room in your heart for me…"
The vampire stepped slowly toward her, "Willow…"
She put up a hand to silence him, he stopped still and she approached him instead, "You said it was over." Before it had even begun. "And I respect that." I have to. She took his hand, placing a plain white envelope into it. "You don't have to read this… I-it's just things I needed to say. For me, really. I just don't have the strength to say them to you." She looked deeply into his eyes, "You and Buffy… I hope things work, I do."
Angel smiled at her lovingly, me too. "Thank you. Same to you. With Oz."
Willow nodded absently, stroking his face with her hand. Despite himself, Angel tilted his head further into her hand, deeply moved by the devotion in her touch. "Can we not…" She fought to get the words out, "Can we not mention what happened… To Buffy and Oz?" He nodded beneath her palm. "And…" Another sob escaped her and she had to pause to compose herself, "And can we not… See each other. Just not for a while?"
The request brought tears to the vampires eyes as stabs of pain filled him. He hadn't expected that. "B-but… I still want to see you. We're friends…"
She nodded, "Friends. But please… Just for a little while?"
The desperation in her tone backed Angel into reluctant agreeance. "All right, Will."
"Thank you." She lowered her eyes, gazing at his chest. "I… I should be going. Late. S-school tomorrow." She gazed back up at him, her face set strangely, "Angel…"
He leant forward, slowly reaching out to take her into his arms. She shuddered sadly at his touch and he almost yanked his hands away from her, afraid. "Willow… I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"Ssshhh." She brought her hand to his lips. They exchanged a long, sad look, until Willow pulled her hand away and pressed her lips to his. The kiss they shared was drowned in sensuous misery. When Willow pulled away, she whispered, "Goodnight…" She added with a loving smile, "My Angel." And then she turned and walked away…
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Angel had almost contemplated *not* reading the letter Willow had handed him as she said goodbye. So much had already been said, so much was done. He knew it was over, and she did too. She'd made the offer, 'You don't have to read it. Burn it if you like… It's just there are things I wanted to say. I never got to.' He could still feel her warm touch on his cheek as she leant forward, 'Goodnight,' a tiny sob had escaped her, 'my Angel.' She pressed her lips to his, smiled sadly, and then walked away…
That feeling he'd had right in the pits of his stomach as she disappeared. He almost broke. He almost called after her. It was Buffy he loved, and he couldn't help that, even when he prayed every morning as he lay down to sleep that he'd stop. That their love would end and spare them both any further heartache. But every night he'd wake up and still be in love with the Slayer.
He nodded solemnly to himself. It *was* Buffy he loved. But it was Willow who made him whole, and in ways he never knew existed, he loved her too. Not like Buffy, but almost. If only I'd let Buffy go long before it came to this. Willow and I could have been happy. We were happy, he sighed, and I ruined it.
It was better this way. He knew it. Now Willow could be with Oz. A guy who loved her completely, Angel was sure of it. A guy without a demon inside him. With a soul that didn't do a disappearing act every time he managed to be happy. And Oz would love her. Given time, Willow would love him back.
Angel sat down by the fire, gazing deeply into it. I could just burn it, he told himself as he turned the letter over in his hands. But then I'd never know what it was she so wanted to say. And he wanted to know.
Opening the envelope, he pulled the letter from within it slowly. For minutes he stared at the piece of paper he clutched so tightly, not sure he wanted to open it. The moment I do, he sighed, then it's really over. Over, forever.
He took a deep breath he didn't need to take, and unfolded the crisp paper. Willow's neat writing filled the page. It's cute writing… He smiled, like her. He shook his head, focusing on the words before him. He could even hear her voice as he read…
'I'm sorry for everything I've said And for anything I forgot to say too When things get so complicated I stumble, at best, muddle through
I wish that our lives could be simple No, I don't want the world, only you I wish I could tell you this face to face But there's never the time, never the place
This letter will have to do I love you…'
For moments after, Angel couldn't take his eyes from the page. He read one line over and over and over again. 'I love you…'
The vampire let the letter slip from his fingers as he slumped onto the floor, a deep sob igniting in his very soul until it exploded into being as the tears in his eyes began to fall. "Willow…" He whispered her name between sobs, "Willow…"
Oh God… He closed his eyes, seeing her beautiful face, Why did I let her go?
The End
read the sequal 'Hello... Goodbye... Series'