Pairing: W/A
Summary: Angel and Angelus struggle for control of their body. Who will win?
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I'm trapped. Trapped, alone, and seeing...everything. All of it. I howl and rage against the invisible confines that keep me inside, unable to affect anything going on around me. Angelus is firmly in control, that bastard. I have no idea how it happened. One minute I was dreaming, then I was awakened by a familiar sensation running through me, setting my nerve endings on fire. I knew I was losing my soul, though that isn't exactly what happened.
Somehow, I ended up confined; or my soul, or whatever it is that separates me from Angelus, became enclosed within my body. Yet I'm out of reach of everything; well, all except the slight hold I still have on my bond with Willow. I reach out and find no answers there, just confusion and even fear on her part.
I watch from deep within my body. Willow coming to my rescue though I know instinctively that she is already too late. Whoever or whatever has done this wanted it to stay this way. To keep me out of the way, unable to help. Now I know the true meaning of helpless.
Everything happens so quickly. I have a hard time catching up. By the time I notice that Angelus is drinking from Gunn, it's over. No, not Gunn. I rage, pounding with invisible fists on an invisible barrier. All of it is useless. I wish there was something I could do to affect something, anything. Angelus is having a good time, laughing at me, taunting me with his plans for Willow. My Willow.
What must she be going through? She's not more then a week old, and I leave her with Angelus. Some Sire I am turning out to be. Though, I am amazed at the words Angelus says. He is being honest about how much I care for her, even though I do have my soul. I'm more surprised to find out that he cares for her, though I know he'd like to release her demon, make it stronger, or break her.
Is this what it's like for Angelus when I'm in control? This maddening state of ineffectuality? It would be nice to think so, but I don't. I can always feel him, there, just below the surface and waiting to make me do something, anything. If only I could be like that, but no, I've been pushed far too deep.
I barely feel anything, or see anything. Willow comes into my vision every now and then. Her eyes are sad and haunted. I've caused this, somehow.
The echo of chains moving makes its way to me. She isn't freeing him is she? Willow wouldn't! She knows it's still Angelus. Doesn't she? Yes, she knows. But, she's chaining someone else to the bed.Cordelia. I don't understand what is going on, why would she chain Cordelia to the bed with Angelus? Oh God, please Willow, don't do this.
He's going for her neck. No, no I can't let this happen. I won't let this happen!
I surge away from Cordelia, trying to keep him from getting to her. I think I fall back on the bed, but I don't know. It's black. Nothingness. Please, don't let me have failed.
"What did you do now?" Angelus asks from seemingly nowhere.
"What do you mean, what did I do? What the hell have you done?"
"I was trying to get a snack, but I seemed to have been interrupted," Angelus says, finally coming into view.
We stalk around each other, mirror images of the same body, but not the same. We are different he and I. I have to believe that, I need to believe that. He eyes me up and down. Yellow flashes in his eyes, anger is there too. I return that anger, that hatred. He has made my life miserable, made my soul ache and cry out with the deaths he has caused through the years.
"She's strong, powerful, and beautiful," Angelus says. "But, you know that already, don't you."
"Leave Willow out of this," I say.
"Did you see her? She was willing to sacrifice Cordelia for me."
"I said leave her out of this!"
My fist moves of it's own accord, landing squarely on Angelus' jaw, knocking him back a step or two. He seemed to be waiting for that, for a sign of violence. He rushes at me, low and hard, knocking me flat on my back. He pins me down and rains blows all over my body. I'm unable to block even half of them.
"You can't ignore me, can't fight me. I am always here, always just below the surface," he says.
I've wanted that more times then I care to remember. Wanted to just lay down and give up, thinking it too hard to carry on with the soul. But, there's Willow now. What atrocities would he visit upon her? And Connor. I can't let him see this beast that lives inside of me.
Finally, I am able to flip Angelus over and I am now the one beating him, throttling him.
"I'll never let you have control again, ever. I can't, I won't. You don't know what it's like to feel all of this pain, all caused by you."
He kicks me off of him and we stay crouched low, eyeing each other warily.
"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me," Angelus says. And he's right. I wouldn't. Without him killing that poor gypsy girl, he would never have been cursed with me.with his soul.
"Are you getting it now?" he asks, smiling wryly. "We are the same, two halves, granted, but of the same body, the same blood. Even our thoughts run the same course at times." His laughter rings harsh when he sees my disbelief. "You can deny it all you want; hell you're good at that, aren't you? Denial. Not letting yourself too close to anyone, not even your.our Childe, Willow."
His words reek of truth, and that hurts. It aches that he can see me better than I can. Have I been so misled all these years? To think that I know better somehow just because I have the soul, the conscience, the grief?
I listen in silence as he spells out my past mistakes, where I went wrong and how, in gruesome detail. It makes me sick that he can do it, that he might have known at the time. He speaks of Buffy with the same malice I remember, but he shows me how wrong it was to love her.
"I know that already," I say, the bitter taste of regret thick in my mouth.
"Now, yes. Hindsight is as they say, 20/20. But then? No, you couldn't see past your guilt, past her pretty eyes and long blonde hair. Leaving was the best decision you have made yet."
"Right. Anything else? I'm quite aware of where I've fucked up. I don't need a recitation by you," I say, anger flaring.
"Oh, there is this one thing, though I don't know if you'd be interested," Angelus says, obviously dancing around the subject in hoped of enticing me to ask. "You probably won't though. It would go against some moral or something."
I sigh, and then say, "What? What is it now?"