I could feel my heart skip a beat as I watched him enter the Bronze.
But I guess that’s what broken hearts do. I watched his chocolatey eyes
scan the room .... searching. And all I could think of was what it had
felt like to have those eyes devour me. I watched his muscles move lithely
beneath the denim and silk covering his body and wanted to remedy the problem
by promptly removing his clothes. As he moved towards us my mind was overrun
with the memories of the feel of his body against mine.
"Your presence meant more than I anticipated,
Took my breath away so I asphyxiated.
Forgive me, but I just don’t think I have that kind of strength.
My weakness is fragile, and it’s feminine.
And one mans addiction is another man’s sin.
Fools rush in where wise men stay at arms length."
Our eyes met for a brief moment as his gaze passed over me. I know I
saw something there. There had to be something. Was it guilt, regret, confusion,
love? No, definitely not love. Easily my presence was ignored as he approached
Buffy. Once again the hero gets the happy ending. How did I ever think
he would want me when he could have her. I could see as my existence faded
into the background next to the glory that is Buffy. I love her, but just
once I want it to be me. He takes her hand and I have to look away.
"If you were a hundred miles away ,
If you were a thousand miles away,
If you were a million miles away,
It would be better than having you here."
Angel’s hand wrapped around her waist, pulling her close. But in my
mind he was pulling me close, pushing me down onto the cold hard floor
of the mansion. Instantly I was reliving that night all those months ago.
An animalistic version of the man who will only ever be my friend hovering
above me, pinning me to the ground. In his eyes he knew it was me. But
his thoughts were clouded by pain and longing. Tentatively he caressed
my breast. The silence that hung on the air was heavy with need. His eyes
and incoherent words pleaded for me to accept him. His fingers fumbled
ripped the buttons of my shirt as he pressed his erection against me. For
seconds I considered leaving, but he needed me as no one had needed or
wanted me ever before. At first, I tried to block it out. Telling myself
that I was making a sacrifice for my friend. But his touch was so gentle.
It felt so good to have his hands running over my body, sliding lower and
raising my skirt. I don’t think your supposed to enjoy being sacrificed.
"I wish I had known when I lay by your side that it was to be for the very last time.
How much more would I have thought to say?"
"Willow!" It was my name that he cried out in pleasure as he came. And
my lips that he kissed tenderly as we fell asleep tangled in each other’s
arms. I may be deluding myself, or it may just be wishful thinking but
I know that when he looked at me after that kiss that there was clarity
in his eyes. I know I wasn’t just a substitute. He called MY name. Now
I hear that every night. He haunts my nights and I don’t know if they’re
dreams or nightmares.
"Oh that one sweet final kiss.
Nice girls aren’t supposed to write songs like this.
Fell so quickly in love, just as quickly out of favor."
But I woke up alone, gathered what remained of my clothes, and went
home. The next time I saw my Angel he feigned amnesia. I know he remembers.
But still he went back to her and left me wondering what the hell I’m supposed
to do now. And now its Buffy whose feeling the soft touch of his lips,
and the sweet coppery taste that coats his tongue. Its Buffy who gets to
run her hands over his body. Buffy who, thanks to the Powers, gets to revel
in the feel of Angel filling her and possessing her. Its my best friend
who gets live out my fantasies with the man who took my virginity.
"If you were a hundred miles away ,
If you were a thousand miles away,
If you were a million miles away,
It would be better than having you here."
I watched as they pulled apart, staring into each other’s eyes. I watched
the thousand watt smile that covered his face and felt like I was intruding
on their moment. Again my eyes returned to the table, my hands mindlessly
stirring the straw in my drink. As they walked out onto the dance floor
I was left at the table. Alone. Always alone. Willow the mouse. I know
I shouldn’t feel this way about the love of my best friend’s life. I know
she will never find out. But sometimes I can’t help but think she can tell
each time she sees me look at him.
"Some distances can’t be measured by miles, the pain I feel at each one of your smiles.
Nice girls aren’t supposed to even think these thoughts.
If you were a light year gone from time,
I’m telling you boy the pleasure is mine.
Look at me here with all this trouble that I bought so willingly."
Over Buffy’s shoulder Angel’s eyes drifted to mine but the emotions
were unreadable as always. I don’t think I’ll ever know if that night meant
anything to him. Tired of intruding, I gathered my sweater and headed out
into the night. Xander and Cordelia wouldn’t miss me. And Buffy and Angel
sure as hell wouldn’t. I just couldn’t stand to sit there any longer watching
how happy he was with her.
"If you were a hundred miles away ,
If you were a thousand miles away,
If you were a million miles away,
It would be better than having you here."
read the sequal 'Angel'