"Oz!"

  I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut. Had I really just said that? What
  could I have been thinking? I like to think that I am not stupid, or at
  least not completely witless, but sometimes even I have to wonder.

  "Excuse me?" Kate said. "Wizard of?"

  I hastened to explain. "No-no! Oz my former, ex-boyfriend... He's a lead
  guitarist in a band. Have you heard of 'Dingoes Ate My Baby?" My face was
  burning hot enough that it is amazing that my vampire body did not burst
  into flame.

  Kate shook her head no.

  "Well, they're a rock band," I squeaked. "A really good one... At least,
  I think so." I desperately tried to remember if Oz had mentioned meeting
  Kate during his trip to LA months back. I could not recall.

  I shoved my hands into my front pockets and wished that the pitch of my
  voice would decline a few decibels. Angel-on-nitrous oxide was back in full
  force.

  "Sorry, haven't heard of them."

  "Oh," I said. A dramatic silence descended.

  "I might have known," she finally said, sounding resigned. "I mean, all of
  Anne Rice's male vampires are gay, right?"

  "I'm sorry," I apologized. I considered explaining that Angel was not
  really gay, and that I am actually a straight female inhabiting his body. I
  considered and then I thought better of it. The conversation was already
  both inane and insane. I could only make it worse with an explanation that
  crazy.

  "It's okay," Kate excused. "I knew that I was picking up on a West
  Hollywood vibe from you since we met. I just chose not to see it." Her
  cheeks were pink.

  I blinked. "You were?" I blinked. West Hollywood? What was *that*
  supposed to mean?! Were we back to that again? Was Spike right? Was
  Angel's POOFiness obvious to everyone but me?!

  She nodded solemnly. "And you and Penn were obviously very close but I
  thought maybe..." She stopped and started again. "I must have
  misunderstood. I mean, I knew better."

  "I...I...oh Goddess...t-t-that is...t-t-this is so embarrassing..." I
  stuttered to a halt.

  "Look, now that that is settled, can we just move on to business?" Kate
  interrupted.

  I nodded sharply. I was so eager to change the subject that I would have
  gone along with just about anything she could have suggested. Oh Goodness,
  Oh Goddess...what would Angel say when he found out that I had told his lady
  friend that he was gay...? I could hear his teeth grinding now! "Grr, grr,
  grr!"

  Kate reached into her brief case and pulled out a file folder. She set it
  down on A-my desk and opened it.
  Inside were pictures of a man. He had been bound S&M style and eviscerated.
  His chest had been torn open and his internal organs removed. I studied
  the pictures and gagged over the brutality of the act. To my horror, I felt
  the demon becoming aroused.

  *Nice Work* he observed. I pointedly ignored him.

  "The victim's name was Iam A. Perv. He was Caucasian, thirty-two, married,
  an accountant, and a regular client in the Korean district 'massage parlors
  and showers'..." Kate kept talking about the victim. I nodded and
  listened, trying to commit every detail to memory, trying to ignore my
  salivating demon.

  Then Kate pulled out more photos of another man. These were gorier than
  the first. It was as if the killer had been left frustrated by the first
  murder.

  "Pon Farr," Kate began to recite. "Asian, mid-thirties, executive at
  FedEx, married, three children..."

  "Did they know each other?" I asked.

  "No. Same MO but the victims are totally unrelated. The only thing they
  shared in common was a secret life of spanking, bondage, and prostitutes.
  And both were killed in the Korean district."

  "I'll have Cordelia begin researching Asian demons," I volunteered.

  "Don't say that word," Kate said sharply.

  I looked up in surprise. "What word?"

  "Demons. I'm not comfortable with the whole supernatural, demonic thing
  yet. Let's just call them 'evil things'," she instructed.

  "Oookkkkay," I managed. I stared at her strangely, but I went along with
  her request. I could see how accepting demons might be difficult for
  someone as...as...mature as Kate. Personally, I had moved on from discovery
  to acceptance relatively easily, but hey, I had been fifteen at the time...

  We discussed the case further until I was intimately and thoroughly
  familiar with every gut-wrenching detail. Kate's murderer and Cordelia's
  vision were obviously related. It gave me a lot to consider. Finally, we
  were done. "I was already looking into this so I think that we're working
  along the same lines..."

  Kate nodded with relief. "So you're willing to share information?" she
  asked. "You'll tell me if you find the person who did this?"

  I exhaled and met her eyes. "This wasn't done by a person," I told her
  seriously. Fear flashed across her face and in her eyes. There it was
  again, Kate's reluctance to discuss demons. I let it pass. "I'll tell you
  if I find anything," I promised.

  "Good." She started to leave but stopped and removed a file from her brief
  case. She handed it to me and I took it automatically. "This is a copy of
  what we've found so far. I don't need to tell you that this is strictly
  confidential."

  I nodded obediently.

  At the door she paused. "Thank you, Angel," she said over her shoulder. I
  nodded again. I received the distinct impression that Kate has something
  else to tell me but felt uncomfortable. To my shame, I was glad that she
  left without saying anything more.

  She left in a hurry, leaving me to wonder, "What next?" I decided to
  solicit suggestions from Cordelia... and Wesley Wyndam-Price. At the rate I
  was botching things up, I trusted Cordy's objective opinion more than my
  own.

  It is a cold comfort but I suppose that things could have been worse. I
  might have done something dumber than I did and told Kate that Wesley was my
  gay-male-lover. At least Oz had the excuse of being a musician, which gave
  him room for experimentation and a degree of eccentricity.

  And I am still mad at Oz for leaving...

  Good Goddess! How am I ever going to explain this misunderstanding to
  Angel? He is never going to understand, and will probably never forgive me.
  Face it, Angel is still holding a silent grudge about his car. He may
  have forgiven the Great Angel-Willow-Soul-Swap-Out but he can be downright
  nit-picky when it comes to the little mess-ups.

  I stopped at the door. On the other side, I could hear Wesley and Cordy
  engaging in a battle of insults through the door. It sounded pretty vicious
  and reminded me of how Cordy used to act with Xander. Gathering my courage,
  I stepped into the fray.

  #

  I explained everything to Wesley, from the botched curse that had resulted
  in my soul switch out with Angel, to our decision to temporarily trade
  lives. It was easier to tell everything to Wesley than it would have been
  to Giles. It was also necessary, considering that I would need Wesley's
  help finding a cure and fighting demons deemed dangerous by the PTB.
 

  After my long-winded explanation, Mr. Stiff-Upper-Lip seemed at a loss.
  "Hmm, yes, well, very interesting," Wesley repeated again, adjusting his
  glasses for the umpteenth time. He was perplexed and I felt my previously
  high hopes falling. For some reason, I had naively thought that Wesley
  might have some knowledge of an arcane cure for botched gypsy curses.

  Guess I was wrong.

  Someone tell me something please? Why, oh why, do I always have to be
  WRONG in such a BIG way? My mistakes are never minor; they are huge. From
  "My will be done" to "Souls exchanged in friendship, made permanent for all
  time," I am the Calamity Jane of Wiccan Mystic Spells.

  Oh Goddess help me! Who else is left? Amy is a rat, Giles is stern,
  Xander and Buffy are action-oriented... There is no one else left who might
  be able to help Angel and me.

  Vaguely, a thought occurred to me. Maybe Tara could help... I had not
  known her for very long but she did say that her mother was a witch. The
  idea skittered across the edge of my mind, slipping past mostly unnoticed as
  my attention returned to Cordelia and Wesley.

  Their World Word War had started again in the intervening minutes. I
  listened to them bicker and my head low with, my face in my hands. I did
  not want to involve myself in their squabbling. I had enough to deal with
  without that too.

  It went on and on... I began to wonder how two people could find so many
  new and insulting things to say to each other. You would think that they
  would run out of material after a while. You would think.

  Finally, I interrupted. "Does anyone have any ideas about how I'm supposed
  to find this eviscerating demon?" Remarkably enough, my ploy worked. Cordy
  and Wesley actually paid attention and cooperated.

  I think that it must have been a subconscious response to Angel's
  intimidating presence. He may have taken his commanding voice and
  authoritative manner with him, but I had inherited the dark scowl, and
  sharp, pointy teeth.

  "Grr!"

  We thought for a while.

  "I know!" Cordy exclaimed. She sat up in excitement. "Willow should go
  undercover!"

  "How do I do that?" I asked.

  "Get spanked!"

  "Spanked?!" I squeaked.

  "Good grief!" Wesley echoed. "That's hardly an appropriate suggestion!" he
  told Cordy. Mr. Prim-and-Proper frowned fiercely. Sometimes...OK, a lot of
  the time...Wesley reminds me of a girl.

  Cordelia shrugged. "Hey! We need to locate a spanking serial killer. It
  makes sense that the fastest way to find him/her/it is for Willow to become
  the bait." Her fingers drew air-quotes. "I.E. the spankee..."

  Cordy's eyes sparked and her lips parted viciously. "Or you could become
  the spankee, Wesley!" She held up a pointing finger, which Wesley jumped
  back from faster than a vampire from the cross.

  "No! I don't think so!" Wesley denied. "Absolutely, adamantly not!" He
  stomped his foot. (Girl impression again.)

  "I agree with Wesley," I inserted. "Spanking's bad!" (Actually, spanking
  sounds kind of fun in a harmless and forbidden kind of way. Not that Oz and
  I ever did anything so kinky together but...I might have considered it.)

  Oz liked to keep me on a pedestal. It was sweet and endearing of him but
  his tendency to do so always left me feeling a little bit confined. A
  secret part of me has always wanted to cut loose and engage in all manner of
  naughtiness. Up until now, I have been too scared to try.

  That was entirely beside the point.

  Calvin and Hobbs were still at it. Cordy threw up her hands. "Fine! But
  how else do you think you're going to find a spanking killer?" she demanded.

  "I have no idea," I snapped. "But I refuse to sacrifice my butt even for
  the Powers That Be."

  Cordy's finger lurched into my face. "But it's not just for the PTB, it's
  to save lives. Oh! Kind of like the American Heart Walk! Walking for
  life; spanking for life!"

  "But!" I protested.

  Cordy ignored me. "I mean, these guys that are buying it are sicko
  perverts, sure, but they have wives and children too. If there's something
  you could have done to prevent it and you don't then are you going to be
  able to live with yourself?" She pierced me with her eyes.

  I groaned and my stomach sank. As much as I wanted to protest, Cordy had
  me between a rock and a hard place. I mean...she was right in a way. What
  was more important? My butt or innocent lives?

  Cordy saw the break in my resolve and a man-eating-shark-smile appeared on
  her face. "Bottom's up!" she cackled gleefully.

  And I thought she was my friend.

  next