~*~Part Eleven~*~
Angel shut the door to Willow’s room behind him, stopping for one moment in the middle of the hallway to ponder everything that the now-sleeping red head had told him. His soul was permanent? Could it possibly be true?
It had taken Willow at least ten minutes to just work up the nerve to tell him what she had done after her initial shocking statement indicating she had something to tell him about his soul. Once she started talking, though, it was hard to stop her. From what he had managed to put together, she had found some arcane way to permanently anchor his soul to his body. She had been very quick to point out that it wasn’t a spell, but had refused to tell him exactly how it had been done.
‘At least it explained that pain I felt the other night.’
Walking slowly through the hallway, past Lorne’s room, and into Connor’s nursery, Angel continued to ponder it all. Sure, there had been pain and Willow had admitted to trying to anchor his soul. But did that really mean that it had been done right? That he could seek true happiness without fear of loosing a demon on the world again?
“What do you think, little one?” Angel smiled down at his son, forming the question that was on his mind. “Am I safe? Is it permanent?”
“I’d say so, sweets.”
The vampire turned, raising an eyebrow at Lorne. Skepticism warred with the hope. “You can tell? Just like that?”
The green demon nodded, staring at Angel with wonder. “Its as plain as can be if one knows what to look for.” He shrugged. “So when did this happen, big guy? And how?”
“Last night – while you were out. As to the how…I don’t know. She did it.” He gestured in the general direction of the guest room where Willow was sleeping, elation sweeping through him. “But she won’t tell me how.” It was true, then. His soul was permanent – as in forever and always. As in he could get happy all he wanted and there was no chance that Angelus would ever show his true colors again. If his heart had been beating it would have certainly burst.
“That sweet little thing in the other room?” Lorne asked in disbelief. How could such a fragile looking child have accomplished such a large task? He stepped closer to Angel, looking down at the baby sleeping in the crib. “I can feel her pain from a mile away, though I don’t know what her problems are. Perhaps you can persuade her to serenade me one night so I can help her?” He let the offer hang in the air.
“That’s up to Willow. She was never the type to push her problems onto someone else – she’s very quiet, very shy. Very reserved. She’s the one I have to thank for restoring my soul after the clause took it last time… and now…”
“Now she’s given it to you forever.” Lorne smiled softly, pulling Connor’s blanket up to cover more of the infant’s body. “If she’s such a great friend that she would do this for you – why haven’t you mentioned her before.”
Guilt gripped Angel. “I lost touch with her. Stopped writing because things got too crazy around here. I didn’t have time and I didn’t want her to worry. Then, when things calmed down, so much time had gone by that I didn’t know how she would take it if I just started emailing and calling her again. I didn’t want to intrude on the life she had made.”
“Well.” Lorne murmured. “Its obvious she never forgot about *you*. Only a true friend would even think of doing something like this for you, Sugar Muffin. I hope you don’t ‘loose touch’ with her again.” His meaning was clear – don’t cast aside someone as rare and special as Willow.
It was something Angel could agree with him on. “I don’t plan to. I’m going to see if she wants to stay here for a while, work on upgrading our computer system. Things haven’t been too good for her back in Sunnydale – maybe she would like that kind of ‘vacation’?”
‘And maybe I can get her to open up and let me read her.’ Lorne thought, keeping the idea to himself. The longer she stayed, the more likely it was that he could figure out where her pain was coming from and help her fix it. What she had done for Angel, and the way the vampire spoke of her so caringly, told him all he needed to know about her worthiness for help. She only needed to be willing. “You going to tell the others?”
The vampire smiled, thinking of his staff waiting downstairs. “Yeah – I think I might go do that right now.” He could only imagine the relief Gunn, Cordelia, and Wesley would all experience when they heard the news.
~*~Part Twelve~*~
**** Hey Xan,
How’re things in Sunnydale? Good, I hope. Still keeping Buffy and Dawn out of trouble? Has Buffy admitted to sleeping with Spike yet? Does she even know we know? I doubt it, she’s sort of oblivious about things like that sometimes.
Anyway… I have something to tell you. Please think before you react – and know that I would never do something without a good reason. Trust me like you did when we were little. I haven’t changed that much, you need to realize that.
I’m telling you this in writing because, to be honest, I couldn’t figure out how I would get the courage to tell you to your face or on the phone. I’m hoping you don’t get angry – but if you do, I want you to take some time and cool off before you call me. Please don’t be mad at me, Xan. I need support now more than ever.
Okay…enough build up. Are you ready? Sitting down? Here we go…
I anchored Angel’s soul.
That’s right – you read correctly – his soul is now a permanent fixture in his life. No more worrying that he’ll get a happy and we’ll have to deal with the King of Mean again. It can’t ever happen again. I know what you’re thinking and, no, I didn’t use magick. I know you probably won’t believe me, but this is where I need your trust and support. I. Did. Not. Use. Magick. Be proud of me – I found a completely magick-free way to do something so….big.
I know you and Angel never got along very well, but he was always my friend, so try to see why I had to do this. He deserves to be happy. Just like you do and Buffy does… And even Spike, I guess. (Though why Buffy and Spike have to sleep together to be happy, I don’t know.) So – just like all of us – he now has his very own shot at finding someone to make him happy.
Still love me Xan? Am I still your best friend? I hope so. You’re still mine.
Anyway – I’m going to be staying here in LA for a while. Its easier to deal with my addiction if I’m not forced to be around magick every single day, like I am living in Sunnydale. Angel offered me a job upgrading their computer system and a place to stay. I’m going to take him up on it. Maybe by the time I’m done with that I’ll be back to my old self.
Please let the others know where I am when you think they are ready to hear it. Try not to be too angry with me. My number and address are below if you need anything. I’ll always be there for you, Xan.
Love,
Willow ~ *****
~*~
Willow scribbled her address and phone number at the end of the letter and placed her pen on the desk. She sighed, reading over what she had written one more time. What would Xander think when he read it? Would he trust her and understand?
‘I hope so.’ With trembling hands she folded the letter, placing it into the envelope and sealing it before she could lose her nerve. She licked a single stamp, and affixed it to the white rectangle and then stood up. Angel had said he would drop it in a mailbox for her when she was done. He hadn’t once questioned her reasons for wanting to tell her friends by mail. Leaving the envelope on his desk, she walked out of the room and into the hallway, finally making her way to the staircase.
From the top of the stairs she could see everyone working hard, researching something for Cordelia’s latest vision. Wesley was in his office and she breathed a sigh of relief. She had only been there for two days and already his questions were becoming unbearable. How long would she really be able to stall him about how she had anchored Angel’s soul. Her gaze wandered to the dark haired vampire and a smile came to her lips. It was unbelievable how sweet and kind he had been to her since her arrival. They had already spent hours talking, catching up on everything that had happened since they last spoke. It was like old times and it felt good. He didn’t judge her harshly for getting addicted to magick, either. Instead, he offered to be her support – her personal addiction counselor if she needed it. For once in her life she felt as though she had done something right, something to be proud of.
She watched as Angel laughed at something Gunn said and her stomach did a small flip. Did he have any idea how handsome he was. ‘Bad Willow!’ She chided herself. ‘The two of you are just starting to rekindle your friendship and already you are lusting after him.’ She sighed, knowing that this was her own curse, to love him for all of eternity, with only the barest hope that he would ever return the feelings for her. Certainly her goddess had knew this when she made the bargain. ‘You agreed to it, Willow.’ She reminded herself silently. ‘Besides, its obvious he cares about me as a good friend, now I just have to hope he sees me as more one day.’ Clinging to that optimism she made her way down the stairs, ready to begin her new job.
~*~Part Thirteen~*~
“Ugh.” Willow moaned, pushing her chair back from the computer in front of her and rubbing at her eyes. She sighed, glancing at the clock. Almost four hours had passed since she had started working on the current problem with Angel Investigation’s computer system – and still no luck in narrowing down the best solution.
“Problem?”
The young hacker turned to Angel, giving him a wry smile. “Nothing I can’t handle once I make up my mind. There are three possible solutions and I just can’t decide which one would be best for you in the long run.”
“Ah…” He nodded. There was no need to ask her to elaborate further on the ‘problem’ or the ‘solutions’. As he had learned over the past week and half, it would make little to no sense to him even if he asked. ‘Though she is adorable when she starts talking about something she’s familiar with.’ He thought back to the second day she had came to work for him. Over the course of two hours she had tried her best to educate the vampire on computers and how to best utilize them in his business. The conversation had eventually ended with both of them laughing and Angel agreeing that it would probably be best if she made all the decisions about that type of thing.
Even without such an opportune subject, the vampire had still found reasons to talk to her on a daily basis, rekindling the friendship he had thought gone. They talked for hours on some nights, about everything that had happened since they lost touch. Talking with her was easy – it always had been, and now it just felt ‘right’.
“Have you taken any breaks? Eaten dinner yet?”
“Um… No dinner. I think I might have skipped lunch too.” She laughed. “It’s the ultimate weight-loss program.”
“As if you need to lose any weight.” He chuckled. “Grab your jacket and lets go get something to eat. You could use a break. Maybe everything will seem fresher after that.”
She nodded, giving him a grin. “Sounds great. Gimme a sec to run upstairs and make myself presentable?” She waited for his asset before jumping up, taking the stairs two at a time. This was the second time in one week that he had taken her out for dinner and her heart jumped at the opportunity for more ‘date-like’ alone time with him. Even though it wasn’t formally an actual ‘date’, it gave her the hope that one day there might be something more between them. In the past few days their conversations with each other had gotten down to deeper levels, each of them revealing things about their past they had never shared before, not even at the height of their former friendship.
‘Maybe I’m not destined for a lifetime alone.’ She smiled, running a brush through her hair and applying the small amount of makeup she normally wore before grabbing her jacket.
~*~*~
“You actually enjoyed that movie?” Willow asked in shock, casting a disbelieving look at the vampire walking next to her. It had been more than a pleasant surprise when Angel had offered to take her to a movie after dinner – even if the movie had been one of the worst she had seen in her entire life. “It was awful!”
“It wasn’t *that* bad.” Angel laughed, grinning. The movie hadn’t been the best, he would concede at least that much. But it had its strong points – action and violence. The scarier scenes making Willow jump and clutch at his arm, which was completely fine with him. ‘Stop thinking like that.’ He chided himself. ‘She is your friend. Nothing more. She couldn’t possibly want more than that and you don’t deserve anything more than that. She is too wonderful and special and will make a human man very happy one day.’
“No, really,’ the red head joked. “It was that bad.” She sighed as they turned down the street leading to the hotel, the building already looming close. It was a shame that the night had to end. Everything had been so perfect, so magical. She wondered if he even realized he had put his arm around her shoulders for most of the movie – or if he had done it simply to get more comfortable. Either way, she didn’t care. It had been joyous.
“Tired?” Angel asked, noticing her yawn out of the corner of his eye.
“A little. I think I’ll stay up and watch some TV and then get some rest. Tackle that problem with your database tomorrow.”
”Mind if I join you?”
“With the database problem, sleeping, TV or all three?” She laughed, reaching out to squeeze his arm affectionately.
“Well your bed is too small for both of us and I know nothing about computers…so I think I’ll just join you for the TV part of it.”
Willow blushed at the mention of her bed and the thought of the two of them in it, together. She managed to smile and choke out her agreement.
”After you, my lady.” The vampire swung open the door of the hotel, gesturing for Willow to go first. “Meet you for some TV and talking in fifteen minutes...?” His voice trailed off as they both noticed who was sitting in the lobby, apparently waiting for them to return.
“Angel.” Buffy smiled thinly, not liking the closeness that was apparent between Willow and the vampire. “I was starting to think you weren’t coming back tonight. Can we talk?” She cast a significant glance towards the red head before meeting his eyes, making it clear she only wanted to speak to him.
“Actually I was going to…”
“Go ahead, Angel.” Willow murmured, her chest tightening. There was only one thing Buffy could be here to talk to Angel about. Xander had probably received her letter a day or two before, it would have taken him that long to tell Buffy about it all. And now here she was, wanting to ‘talk’ to Angel. ‘I should have known she’d come running to him the second she found out.’ Her heart was breaking even as she said aloud. “We can always watch TV some other night.” She gave him a smile and walked towards the stairs, refusing to meet Buffy’s eyes. Behind her she could hear Buffy asking if there was somewhere more comfortable for them to sit and talk.
Tears stung the red head’s eyes as she walked, dead-like to her room, unnoticing of Lorne, standing quietly in the doorway of Connor’s nursery. She didn’t notice the look of pity on his face. Nor would she have cared. In one moment she had watched as all of her hopes and dreams for the future were snatched out from under her like a rug.
‘Don’t assume that,’ She berated herself, even as tears continued to pour down her face. ‘There’s no guarantee that she’s here to win him back. Or…even if she is, no guarantee he’ll want her back.’ It was no use, though. Nothing she could say or think to herself could make her believe that her hopes hadn’t been shattered. Crawling into bed, she turned off the light on her nightstand, staring up at the ceiling through the darkness. Not even now, when the chances of her finding happiness with Angel were so slim, did she regret her decision. ‘I’ll always have him as a friend, at least.’
Rolling to her side, the young woman sought to find solace in that, clinging to it like a lifeline.
~*~ Part Fourteen~*~
“So…we decided to give things another shot.” Angel shrugged, sipping from the mug of blood in his hand. He gave the red head in front of him a small smile. “She seemed to really like Connor…thought I don’t think she was too thrilled when I told her how I ended up with him.”
“That’s…nice, Angel.” Willow managed to say, the smile on her face utterly fake. How could he be standing there in front of her, telling her that he and Buffy had decided to try again? Didn’t he realize how much he meant to *her*? Didn’t he know he was her only chance at love? She gave herself a mental shake. There was no way for him to know what he meant to her because she had never told him. There was no way for him to know he was her only chance at love because she *couldn’t* tell him.
But her heart still ached.
“I’m glad for you Angel.” She hoped he couldn’t see through the smile to the tears falling in her heart and soul.
“That’s good, Wills.” He reached out and hugged her, wishing he could feel as confident as his friend obviously felt. There was no doubt that a second chance at true love and happiness was a blessing. But was Buffy still the person he had loved so long ago? Was he still the man she had fell in love with? Somehow he doubted it on either count – but if they didn’t try they would never know. The blonde had agreed to come back the following night, Friday, for a ‘getting to know you again’ type date. If things went well from there… “And I have you to thank for all of this.” He looked down, realizing he had been hugging her the entire time. “You’re definitely the best friend I’ve ever had, Willow. I hope you know how special you are to me.” He kissed her forehead lightly, and backed away. “I’m gonna get back to my cases. We’ll talk later?”
“Sure.” Willow sighed, turning her back to him so he wouldn’t see her face. Tears spilled from her eyes and down her cheeks. “You were stupid, Rosenberg.” She whispered to herself, hearing the door to Angel’s office close. “How could you ever hope to have anything with someone as wonderful as him?” She sat down at the table, looking back at the book she had been reading when Angel had interrupted her to tell her the ‘good news’. The words on the page seemed to blur together, becoming meaningless under the weight of her own sadness.
“Willow?”
The young woman’s head jerked up, startled to see Cordelia standing there. “What’s wrong, honey?” The former cheerleader dropped the bag she had been holding onto the table, sitting in front of the red head.
“Nothing…really, its nothing….” Willow whispered, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand. “I’m just having a bad day.” She glanced at the door to Angel’s office without thinking, a sigh escaping her lips.
“Did… Did Angel do something?” The brunette sat back, confused. She couldn’t imagine her boss hurting the woman sitting there. The friendship between the two of them was envious, even.
“No.” Willow said quickly. She saw the disbelief in Cordelia’s eyes. “Well – not intentionally, anyway. You know how he is – good news to him may be a world shattering event for others.” She rolled her eyes, hoping that Cordelia would just let it go.
“What good news?”
“He and Buffy are giving things another shot…”
“What? Is he an idiot? Did he forget the whole ‘she’s a vampire Slayer’ and ‘he’s a vampire’ thing? I mean…c’mon…” Her voice trailed off as she remembered the reason the two of them were having this conversation in the first place. “You like Angel… in more than a friends way.” She watched the other girl nod and sighed. “To tell you the truth, I really thought the two of you were going to hit it off and take that soul of his for a test drive one of these days… I mean… The way he looked at you sometimes…”
Willow laughed once, the sound bitter. “Whatever he *may* have felt for me is nothing compared to the love he has for Buffy.” She turned imploring green eyes to her friend, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “Please – don’t tell him. It’s hard enough without him knowing… I wouldn’t be able to take the pity.”
Cordelia bit her lip. This really was something she was sure Angel would want to know. It hadn’t been a lie when she had told Willow that the dark haired vampire seemed as though he had been falling for her. But what good would it do now? Buffy and Angel were an inseparable pair when the odds were working for them. She gave Willow a small, sad smile finally. “Ok. I promise. But you’re going to let me take you out tomorrow night for a little fun, ok? No – I won’t take no for an answer. Me and you – clubbing – tomorrow. Dress to impress.”
Left with no choice but to agree, Willow couldn’t help but give Cordelia a smile. There was no doubt in her heart that the brunette had the right intentions. She would humor her and go out even though she didn’t feel like it. “K, Cordy. We’ll go dancing tomorrow night.”
“And drinking.” Cordelia smirked. “Don’t forget the drinking.”
“How could I forget?” Willow asked lightly. “It’ll be the only thing that gets me on the dance floor.”
~*~Part Fifteen~*~
The five shot glasses on the bar were a testament to not only Willow's pain, but her ability to do what her friends least expected. Cordelia looked on in sadness as the petite red head slammed back another shot of tequila as if it didn't even affect her. She would never have imagined that the quiet little hacker could drink so much or with such intensity and still be able to keep her balance on the narrow bar stool. The red head's green eyes were glazed and filled with longing and despair. By now Buffy and Angel would be out on their date, something she was sure Willow was only too well aware of. It had taken a monumental amount of will on her part to not disclose to Angel Willow's feelings for him. Only her promise to the other woman had kept her from leaking the information. She didn't want to betray the poor thing when it was so obvious she was going to need someone to trust to get her through everything.
"Now that's what I like - a woman that can drink."
Cordelia arched an eyebrow at the man that had come up behind Willow, fully expecting the red head to give him the same brush off she'd given every other man that night. He couldn't have been more than eighteen, and somehow she doubted even that. The clothes he was wearing looked like they had come straight out of a bad rap video, and the brunette knew he was the last thing Willow needed in her life. So she was shocked when Willow grinned.
"Really? You like that?" Willow asked, turning to smile at the man. Through her drunken stupor she could almost imagine that he was Angel, standing there waiting for her to dance with him. She held out her hand to him, her eyes darting to the dance floor and then back to his face. "Dance with me?"
"Sure thing, sweets."
Cordelia watched in horror as Willow left with the sleazy looking man, the two of them entering the dance floor at the start of a slow dance. She groaned, knowing from the sexy way Willow was grinding against her partner that she was way too drunk to know what she was doing. Hopefully the song would end and Willow would come back before things went too far.
~*~
Willow wrapped her arms around the lower back of the man in front of her, pulling him flush against her body. The music seemed impossibly loud to her dulled senses and she began to sway to the beat, grinding against him with every thud of the bass. All she had to do was close her eyes and she could almost believe that she was there with Angel. That the only man she could ever love wasn't off somewhere with *his* true love. Even as the man's hands came to rest on the curve of her butt she could still picture him as her Angel, her joy.
'But he's not.' Logic persisted, snapping her out of her drunken dreams. 'Angel is off with Buffy, catching up on all the time they've missed out on. And you? You're here doing a dance to rival what Buffy did with Xander back in high school. You're acting like a slut and why? Because you can't have the one thing you really want.'
She pulled away from the man, suddenly ashamed by her actions. "I'm not feeling too well." She mumbled by way of explanation, rushing away from him and back to where Cordelia still sat. The worried look on her friend's face told her all she needed to know and the red head began to cry, tilting her face down so that no one would see the tears.
"C'mon, Wills." Cordelia murmured. She wrapped an arm around Willow's shoulders, guiding the red head towards the door. "Let's grab a taxi and go back to the hotel. I think you've had enough fun for one night."
"Yeah. I think you're right." The red head sniffled. The cold air outside of the club hit her like a splash of water, forcing her even further back to her senses. She couldn't believe the way she had acted in the club. It was disgraceful. They piled into the back of a waiting cab, Cordelia giving the driver the address. She felt the brunette's arm encircle her, holding her and giving what little comfort she could.
"I'm sorry I drug you out here tonight, Wills." Cordelia sighed sadly. "I should have known we couldn't drown your sorrows with drinking and dancing."
"It's okay, 'Delia." Willow whispered, trying to stop crying in case Angel was already back at the hotel when they got there. "Thanks for being a friend." She pulled away from the other girl, leaning her now-pounding head against the glass of the window. Before long they pulled up in front of the hotel and Willow got out, giving the driver some money. "I'll see you tomorrow." She called to Cordelia, watching as the taxi sped off.
She stumbled up the stairs and into the hallway, the door to her room seeming so far away. "Ooooo . Ow!" An utter lack of coordination, brought on by massive amounts of alcohol, brought her crashing to the floor. Tears began to fall as the pain in her head intensified.
"What's going." Lorne walked out of Angel's suite of rooms, glancing down the hallway. He was far from prepared to see Willow lying on the floor, crying so hard that her body shook with her pain. He kneeled next to her, gently pulling her to a sitting position. The smell of alcohol was all over her and he knew she would regret that in the morning. For now he just needed to get her to bed before she hurt herself or woke Connor. "C'mon, sweetie. Let's get off the floor and into bed, okay?"
Willow looked into the kind eyes of the demon and nodded, allowing him to slowly bring her to her feet. His arm supported her as they walked the short distance left to her bedroom. He didn't let go, didn't release his support, until she had collapsed onto her bed, the tears still falling from her eyes.
"Child.what is wrong?" Lorne felt his heart break to see her cry, to know her pain was so great that she had drank herself to this state and still couldn't escape her own misery. "Tell me. Please? Let's make it better."
Willow laughed, spikes of pain shooting through her head. "I wish I could." She sobbed. "But I can't. I just can't. This is my burden to bear. My grief." She closed her eyes, the stress of the evening finally overtaking her - her tears drying as she slowly began to fall asleep. "Don't tell, Angel, Lorne. He'd get mad at me. Or worried." She whispered, struggling to stay awake long enough to implore him. "He deserves to be happy. Don't tell him. "
Lorne brushed a piece of hair from the girl's forehead, sighing in his own sadness even as the gentle sound of her soft breathing filled the air. This was his curse, to feel the need to help others through their pain. But how could he do that when she wouldn't open up to him? Her burden? Her grief? The way she spoke, so fervently, he knew it was the truth that she at least *thought* she couldn't share her pain with him. Maybe one day she would. Until then he just needed to help her in the only way he knew how - by being her friend. One day she was bound to give up the secrets in her heart and let him help ease the weight of her problems.
"Peaceful dreams." He murmured, snapping off her bedside light and leaving the room.
~*~Part Sixteen~*~
Willow woke the next day with her head pounding and her stomach churning thanks to her impulsive, sadness-filled drinking spree the night before. She sighed, rubbing at her temple and trying to will away the pain. Once upon a time she would have just chanted a little spell and gone on with her day – no longer. Now she would take it like any normal human would – by suffering. She groaned softly. Today was not going to be a good day. A quick glance at her alarm clock confirmed that it was nearly Noon and about time for her to be getting out of bed and down to the office for work.
Getting out of bed was an agony unto itself. It seemed that every time she tried to stand up the world would tilt and tumble, forcing her to sit again. She feared she would lose the little left in her stomach after each of these brief experiments. Finally she managed to stand, the pounding in her head multiplying to the state of unbearableness. She felt her stomach flip once, twice and then she was off, running to the bathroom across the hall. Only an effort of will kept her from ruining the carpet and she made it to the toilet just in time, vomiting almost immediately upon reaching the porcelain chamber. ‘Oh Goddess…why me….’ She thought, resting her head on her arm and reaching clumsily for a piece of toilet paper to wipe her mouth with.
“Here.”
The red head looked up, blinking up into the light of the hallway from the darkness of the bathroom. Her heart fell when she realized it was Angel standing there, offering her a damp cloth. “Thanks.” The whisper sounded obnoxiously loud to her. She ran the cool rag over her face, wiping away any telltale signs that she had just been sick.
“Why’d you do this to yourself Willow?” Angel asked quietly, yearning to take her into his arms and comfort her. He could smell the alcohol still on her skin, like a bad perfume, though. And a part of him couldn’t understand what had gone wrong to make her turn to heavy drinking. He had spoken with Cordelia only moments before he heard Willow get out of bed. She had told him about the night they had partaken in, though he felt she was leaving something out – something important. Try as he might he couldn’t get her to tell him the entire truth about the situation that had led Willow to take, as he understood it, seven shots of tequila within three hours.
She looked up at him, the disappointment in his voice making her cringe. “I … don’t… “ She sighed. “I just needed an escape…”
“And did you find it?” He watched as she struggled to stand up, vaguely remembering from when he was human the sheer nauseating pain of being hung over.
“No.” She whispered, refusing to meet his eyes. “I didn’t.”
Angel nodded and took hold of her arm, leading her back across the hall to her bedroom. He pointed at the bed and gave her a stern look. “Back in bed until you feel better then, Little One.” All of a sudden his face fell and he looked at her with the sadness he was feeling in his heart. “What’s so bad that you need to escape from it, Willow? I thought we were friends… You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you?”
Willow nodded mutely even as her brain reminded her of the exact reason why she had drank so much the night before. Angel and Buffy. They had gone out last night and she didn’t think he had been home when she finally stumbled in. He had been out late with Buffy. She fought back the tears that were burning her eyes, turning her face away from him. “I think I just need to sleep, Angel.. Do you mind if…?”
“Go ahead and rest.” He murmured, backing up slowly. His eyes misted over, sadness overwhelming him. Something was very wrong with her and he longed, no – needed, to know what it was. “We can manage without you today.” He turned, exiting the room and shutting the door.
The office was quiet when he finally made his way down again. Cordelia looked up from her work, eyebrow arched. “So…how’s our little party-girl?”
“Cordy… Don’t.” The vampire growled softly, glaring at his receptionist. She knew what was wrong with Willow, he was sure of it. She had taken the girl out – to try to cheer her up. He couldn’t find it in his heart to be mad at Willow – not when she was so obviously in pain. He knew from experience that pain tended to make one do things they would later regret. But Cordelia? She should have known better. She should never have allowed Willow to drink so much – should never even have taken her to that night club. He could only imagine what kind of sleazy men had hit on the red head while she was sitting there, wasted.
”Wow – why are you all growly-vamp this morning?” The former cheerleader laughed, flipping through the magazine in front of her.
“Why am I all ‘growly’?” He asked, his voice rising with each word? “You took my best friend out last night and got her falling down drunk. So wasted, in fact, that she is upstairs too sick to hardly move. You won’t even tell me what’s bothering her – you just get all tight lipped about it. And you ask me why I’m ‘growly’?” He turned to her, his eyes blazing.
“Excuse me?” Cordelia stood up. Her brown eyes flashed with anger. “Last time I checked Willow was an adult and didn’t need my permission to do anything.” She snorted, fighting the urge to tell him that his ‘best friend’s’ current melancholy was all his fault. She bit her tongue and waited for the desire to pass and then looked him in his eyes. “You should just be lucky I was there *with* her and got her home *safe*. She would have found a way to ease her pain one way or the other – with me or without me. Oh – but you wouldn’t know about pain would you? Not now that you’re back in the arms of your one true love.” She rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse from the desk. “I’m outta here for the day – calling in sick and all that.”
Angel watched her go, still fuming over her apparent lack of better judgment. How could she say that Willow would have done something like that on her own? Willow wasn’t that type of person… Was she? ‘Not the type of person to seek out a way to get through pain? Whatever that pain may be?’ He asked himself, sitting slowly in one of the chairs and beginning to regret his comments to Cordelia. Was it really her fault that Willow had drank too much? Could she honestly have stopped the red head? Doubtful. Willow was, as his secretary had pointed out, an adult, and she had the right to make her own decisions – and mistakes. He glanced towards the door, sunlight keeping him from following after Cordelia and apologizing to her.
Her comment about him not knowing about pain now that he was back with Buffy grated at the edge of his mind, nagging at him until he confronted it outright. The truth was that the date hadn’t been all that great. He had found himself comparing Buffy to Willow a little too often for his tastes, though it was apparent that the blonde had enjoyed every moment of it. He had forced himself to try to put Willow out of his mind, confused by the emotions she stirred in him. They were friends – nothing more.
So why was she in his mind all the time?
Then there was the other issue he had discovered last night. Buffy and Spike. The thought of Buffy sleeping with Drusilla’s errant Childe was enough to make his skin crawl. He had *thought* that the Slayer had better taste than that – some morals maybe? She hadn’t had any good excuse for it – only said that it was ‘over now’ and that she couldn’t take him being ‘evil’. He had wanted to shout at her at that point – to ask her how hard she had gotten hit on the head to *ever* forget that Spike was evil. But he hadn’t. He had simply nodded as she rambled on and on about the biggest blond nuisance in his entire life.
The only thing that had made him want to even keep giving ‘them’ another shot was the fact that Buffy so obviously needed someone and being with him made her smile. And hadn’t she made him happy at one time? Hadn’t she been everything he ever wanted and needed? Weren’t they soulmates? He forced a sigh of breath out of his mouth, looking around the empty lobby and wondering what it was going to take to feel that way with her again. Maybe too much time had passed. He certainly was a different person than he had been back then. And so was she. She was an adult now – with a sister to care for and the responsibility of running a household hanging over her head. The little innocence she had once held onto had been lost somewhere between her mother’s death…and her own. And he didn’t blame her one bit.
His thoughts turned again to the woman sleeping upstairs. She didn’t need to know about his worries about Buffy. Not when she already had something bothering her. ‘I’ll just smile and tell her everything is fine. That I had a great time. She worked so hard to give me happiness – I can at least let her think I’ve found it.’
Across the office the phone was ringing. ‘Thank goodness for work.’ He sighed, pushing his own troubles to the back of his mind.
~*~*~
Willow rolled onto her side, trying to ignore the mixture of emotions coming through her bond with Angel. She closed her eyes, attempting to deflect enough of the pain in her head to get some rest. She forced herself not to cry when she felt Angel’s anger through the bond. She was sure he was mad at her – for drinking so much. Why shouldn’t he be? It had been a stupid thing to do. First dark magick now alcohol? She just couldn’t seem to do anything in the proper amounts – always to an extreme that ended up hurting someone. Deep sadness came next and she could only imagine that that, too, was her fault. She emptied her mind, trying to block out the feelings. Sleep came slowly, like a blessing, finally granting her relief from not only her own pain, but the conflicting emotions of the vampire downstairs as well.
~*~Part Seventeen~*~
Buffy looked over at Angel, her face dropping in sadness. This was the second time that night he had gone off into ‘la-la’ land and she couldn’t help but be disappointed. It was bad enough she could only come visit him on the weekends, when she could get Xander to watch Dawn. But to have him practically ignore her too? She sighed, not surprised when he didn’t notice.
Things hadn’t been going that well in her search for ‘Angel-lovin’’ as Xander put it. She could remember a time in her life when just looking at him made her stomach flip, her heart stop, and all of those other clichéd afflictions one associates with love. But now there was something less – something not quite as strong and definitely not as powerful. Being with him didn’t spark those dreams of a house and kids. Not that that had ever been a realistic dream – just something she had once longed for. But not now, for some reason. Not with him.
‘He’s your soulmate, damnit.’ She growled at herself, picking at the food on her plate. ‘If things don’t work out with him who do you have left? Spike? Not hardly.’ She chewed thoughtfully a breadstick. ‘We just need to try harder, I guess. There has to be a way to reclaim that magic we had. We’re meant to be together – isn’t that what I always said?’
“Buffy? You still with me?”
The blonde met Angel’s eyes, blushing. She had just been caught doing the exact same thing he had done to annoy her. “Yeah – sorry. Guess I zoned out. It was a long day.”
Angel nodded in understanding, reaching across the table to pat her hand. “I know what you mean. Me and Willow spent the entire day working on that new database she is putting together for AI.” He smiled softly. “Its really amazing what she can do with computers.”
“Really?” Buffy asked rhetorically, regretting the question the moment she said it as Angel started off on another of the bad habits he had picked up since they had separated – Willow praising. It wasn’t that she minded the red head getting some compliments – it was just that Angel seemed to like complimenting her a little too much and wasn’t complimenting Buffy herself nearly enough. If she didn’t know better she would almost think that the vampire had a crush on Willow. ‘Jealous much?’ She asked herself, at the same time denying to herself that she could be jealous of Willow. ‘They’re just friends.’ Buffy assured herself. ‘Really, really, really good friends… He probably is just feeling overly grateful to her because of the soul anchoring thingie.’
The friendship she shared with the red head had been strained ever since she had shown up that first night. Willow had been quiet every time Buffy had tried to speak to her – running off at the first chance to do something – anything – other than sit there and talk to her. She had attributed the young woman’s behavior with the addiction the former witch was still trying to get over and had blown it off, deciding not to worry about it. Willow would come to her when she was ready to talk. Until then things could wait.
Especially since she had something so much more important to worry about – her relationship with Angel.
She listened on for a few moments as he praised the red head in all of her computer-hacking skills before interrupting. “So… Want me to stay overnight? Xander said I could… If you want me to, that is…” She fluttered her eyelashes at him, giving him a provocative look. It had been hard to get Xander to agree to watch Dawn at first. He hadn’t been very supportive of her starting up a relationship with Angel, to be exact. After she had cried and spent an hour pleading with him to see reason, however, she had found him to be quite the willing babysitter. She scooted her chair closer to Angel, waiting for his response.
A part of her genuinely believed that if she could just get him in bed with her again he would discover that love and happiness he had once known with her – and vice versa. It was worth a shot, at least.
“I…don’t know Buffy. Connor is there and Lorne…” His voice trailed off at the hopeful look in her eyes. Did he want this? To sleep with her again? Unknowingly his own thoughts mirrored hers – wondering if they could somehow recapture the magic he had once felt with her by committing in a physical way. He caught her hand in his and brought it to his lips, trying to display a confidence he just didn’t feel. “How about this, Buffy? Next Saturday – me and you, five star hotel….” He let the suggestion linger in the air, hoping she wouldn’t take it the wrong way. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to make love to her at the hotel, he just didn’t want that many people around when they finally shared that moment together again.
Buffy nodded, her face lighting up at the idea. “Sounds wonderful – romantic even.” She smiled at him, leaning in and capturing his lips for a kiss. She held her breath, hoping for that special something to flare up between them. When nothing happened she pulled back, turning her head so that he wouldn’t see the disappointment on her face. Above all else she didn’t want Angel to know how she felt. It was bound to break his heart – knowing that she was worried about whether or not they still had what was necessary to make a relationship work.
“Ready to go?” Angel asked, signaling for the check and secretly hoping Buffy wouldn’t be kissing him again anytime soon. Every time he closed his eyes he couldn’t help but wish he was with someone else – a someone that his heart wouldn’t reveal. He was grateful when the blonde nodded her assent and he laid some money on the table to pay for the meal.
‘Next weekend is the deciding factor…’ He told himself, helping Buffy slip on her coat and then leading her out of the restaurant to his car. ‘If I don’t feel something more than this after Saturday night… I’m just going to be honest with her. I can’t take much more of this ‘trying’.’
Buffy gave Angel a small smile when he held the door open for her, sliding into her seat with relief. ‘Thank god the night is over.’ She sighed, staring out the window as her date took his place and started the car. ‘If next weekend doesn’t make me feel something different I’m just going to call it all off. This isn’t fair to me or him if I can’t be the woman he needs me to be. There’s just no magic anymore…’
In silence they rode back to the hotel, each one thinking the same thing.
~*~Part Eighteen~*~
Willow heard doors open and close somewhere across the hall, a sure sign that Angel had come home. She glanced at her clock, surprised to see that it was still early in the night. Had something gone wrong? She closed the book in front of her, easing off of her bed with a sigh and opened her own door. The door to the vampire's suite of rooms was open and she walked across to the doorway.
"Angel?" She called out softly, not wanting to wake Connor if he was sleeping. She heard a muffled response from the general direction of the bedroom. "Couldn't hear that." She murmured, walking past the living room and to the doorway of Angel's room. "Angel? You're home ear..ly." Her voice trailed off as she got a good glimpse of the vampire, bare-chested, apparently in the process of changing into something 'more comfortable' for the night. "S-Sorry." She blushed, backing back out to the living room, the image of Angel without a shirt forever burned into her mind.
Angel looked up from his dresser, smiling ever so slightly. Out of all the women he had ever met in his entire life - Willow was the only one who would be 'sorry' about seeing him half-dressed. He grabbed a t-shirt, pulling it over his head, and walked out to the living room. "Wills? Did you need something?"
"No." She smiled. "Just heard you come home and wanted to say hello. Was sort of lonely here tonight." She shrugged. "You were out. Cordelia and Groo ran off to do goddess knows what. Gunn and Fred went to investigate 'something'. And Wesley just sort of sat in his office reading a book." She laughed softly. "He's not really big on conversation, is he?"
The vampire smirked, knowing all too well how difficult Wesley could be to talk to - especially when one really wanted to 'talk'. "No. He's not." Sitting on the couch, the dark haired man indicated for her to take a seat. "Anything in particular you needed to talk about?" He tried not to seem too eager when he asked, but the truth was that he was worried about the red head that was now sitting only a few feet away from him. It had only been a week since she had gone out and drank herself into oblivion. Only a week since he had first known something was seriously wrong with her. And in that week he had learned absolutely nothing. Cordelia was still in a mood with him because of the way he had blamed her for letting Willow drink too much. He had tried to apologize but to no avail.
And he just *knew* that she knew what was bothering Willow.
Willow shrugged. "Nothing in particular, really. Just wanted to see how you were.how your night went." She choked out the last part of her statement, in part because she didn't really want to know how his date had gone and also because it was just painful to think about it. She regretted asking the moment she did, knowing she would undoubtedly have to hear about how wonderful things were in the land of love. How he and Buffy were rediscovering the fire and passion they had once pushed away. She wondered only momentarily if they had tested the soul's anchoring then decided they couldn't have. Her bond with Angel, now stronger than ever, would have let her know the second something like that happened. It was just another part of the price she was paying for the gift she had given him, she supposed - having to feel his pain and his pleasure. Or even times like this when all she could feel from him was confusion.
"Everything was.great." He sighed, forcing himself to smile for her benefit. He ached to tell her how things were 'really' going, but didn't want to burden her with his own problems. Not when she so obviously needed someone to talk to herself. 'Though it doesn't seem like she's ever going to open up to me.' For only a second he thought of trapping her into revealing her problems to Lorne. How hard could it be to get her to sing, after all? But no, that wouldn't be right. He couldn't force her to give away something she was obviously working so hard to keep to herself.
"That's good. I'm glad things are going.great.for you." She blinked, forcing away the tears that she could feel burning behind her eyes. What had she hoped he would say? That things with Buffy were horrible? That there just wasn't any spark there anymore? No magic? Of course things were 'great' for them. They were star-crossed lovers. Destined to be together until death did them part. If even then. She looked away from Angel, as if pondering what he had said though she really was only trying to deal with it.
"How was your night? Other than the whole loneliness thing?" Angel asked, changing the subject before she could ask any more questions about his date with Buffy. "Did you get the research on that demon we killed the other night done?"
Willow nodded, brightening at the change in topic. She settled into back into the couch, her entire body relaxing as she seized onto the proffered subject. Most of her night had been spent working out the little details of the odd race of demon Angel had slain two nights prior. And, from what she could tell, they were all in for a bad shock some time in the very near future. "You won't believe what I found out.."
~*~Part Nineteen~*~
"They should have been back by now."
Willow looked up at Cordelia, unsurprised to see the brunette's face drawn with the very same worry she knew she herself was feeling. Only twenty-four hours had passed since she had relayed the information on the mystery demon, now identified as a Shi'Kar, to Angel. Her mind ran across the details as she studied her hands, trying to keep her own worry from driving her insane. The Shi'Kar were apparently very territorial demons who never came to a city without their entire families, anywhere from four to six others, with them. These demon 'families' instinctively knew when one of their members died and would track down, through a metaphysical process neither herself or Wesley had been able to understand, the person who had killed one of their members.
Angel had, of course, decided that the best course of action would be for himself, Gunn, Groo and Wesley to go back to where he had killed the first demon and try to ferret out the rest of the 'family' before they found the hotel. In his divine wisdom Angel had decided that the girls should stay at the hotel. Fred hadn't argued much. She wasn't the type to really run out and hack away at demons. Cordelia had put up a fight, as had Willow, but it had come to naught. Angel had been dead set on them staying behind, watching over the offices and protecting Lorne and Connor, just in case any of the Shi'Kar managed to find their way to the hotel.
"I'm sure everything is fine." Fred murmured. She stopped in her pacing long enough to give the others in the room what she *thought* was a comforting look before beginning again.
Willow sighed, pushing back from the table and standing up. She looked around the lobby, feeling a rising panic fill her from the bottom up, echoing down through the bond she shared with Angel. Despite the overwhelming emotions, she retained enough of her senses to know she couldn't stay around the others. They would notice something was wrong if the tide of emotions didn't ebb away soon. "I'm going to go upstairs and lay down. Not feeling too good."
Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "You *are* looking pale. Do you need anything?"
"No. Just going to go.rest." Willow managed to choke out before turning towards the stairs. She walked with what she hoped wasn't too much speed, making it to her room in less than a minute. Falling to her bed, she hid her head in her hands, shaking uncontrollably. Through her bond with Angel she could feel panic and fear - each one riding over her in alternating waves that left her breathless and paralyzed with an overdose of emotions. Then, she felt the one thing she didn't want to ever feel from Angel and almost cried out in agony.
Pain.
Hot, spiking, stabbing jolts of pain. She curled into a fetal ball, pulling a pillow to her face to muffle her own cries of pain. She felt tears fall from her eyes. Angel was hurt. Bad. After what seemed like an eternity the emotional tide fell away, leaving only the pain and a sense of relief coming through the bond. She felt the muscles in her body relax as the last wave of uncontrollable shaking left her weak and exhausted. No one had died or been hurt too seriously or else Angel, and thus her as well, would be feeling sadness and loss.
Pulling herself off of the bed, Willow checked her face in the mirror to make sure there were no signs of her tears. She dabbed at her face with some powder before being satisfied that no one would know.
"Guys. I was thinking. " She began, reaching the top of the stairs and grabbing everyone's attention. She bit her lip, hoping no one would see through the excuse she was about to give. "We should probably get some medical stuff together for when they get back - just in case. You know? Better safe than sorry and all that. They'll probably be back soon."
"You know.that's a great idea." Cordelia smiled, relieved to have something to do other than stand around and wait. "I'll go grab some stuff from the medical cabinet. Fred - can you run to the corner and get some drinks and snacks for the human guys. Wills - you make something for Angel?"
The red head hid a smile, pleased to see Cordelia pull herself out of her state of worry. The girls spread out, each one attending to her assigned task with expediency. She ran up to Angel's rooms, noting that Connor and Lorne both seemed to have dozed off for a small nap, and heated up a pack of blood. It only took a moment for her to find a thermos and she deposited the contents of the blood pack within it, to keep it warm until Angel made his way back to the hotel. The bond between them flared up every so often with his pain and she would have to stop for a moment and bite her tongue to keep from screaming.
No sooner had the girls each returned from their tasks than the doors to the hotel burst open. Willow groaned under the weight of Angel's pain, seeing him supported between Groo and Gunn. There was a very large gash showing across his stomach, and she winced in shared pain. "Can you guys get him to his room?" She asked quietly, waving a hand in the general direction of the stairs even though she knew they were aware of where is room was.
"Sure thing." Gunn grunted. He could see Fred's worried face out of he corner of his eye and he spared her a small smile. "I'm okay baby. Just some bumps and bruises. I'll be back in a sec, k?"
Willow followed behind the men, grabbing up the thermos of blood and some medical supplies, as they slowly moved Angel up the stairs, her body aching with every jolt and jostle he was forced to endure. She could hear him groan in pain and it made her own aches that much more unbearable.
"Do you need anything else?" Groo asked once Angel was laid on his bed. He waited until Willow shook her head and then left, limping ever so slightly. The red head sighed. More than just Angel had been hurt tonight, but Fred and Cordelia would see to the others. Angel was hers to worry over. She looked over the dark haired vampire, not surprised to see that he had lost consciousness. It was almost better that way - she couldn't feel his pain when he wasn't conscious to project it at her. The brief respite allowed her a moment to gather her thoughts. He needed to be fed and patched up. In that order.
"Angel." Willow murmured, unscrewing the cap of the thermos. "You need to drink this. You've lost a lot of blood." She laughed, waving the container under his nose. "And I don't think Cordy or the others really fancy becoming your snack later." It was dangerous, she knew, to be this close to a vampire that had already lost so much blood. But what could he do to her? Drain her to the point of death? Yes. But that wouldn't kill her. Nothing could kill her short of Angel's death, from what she understood of the pact she had made with her Goddess. She jumped when his hand grabbed for hers, taking the thermos from her. His face shifted to that of his demon and he began to drink, his eyes still closed.
Willow watched, unable to feel the horror she should, as Angel drank down the blood she had warmed for him. Even in this state he was one of the most spectacular creatures she had ever had the privilege to know. Her eyes wandered, uninhibited, over the ridges and curves of his face. 'Does Buffy love this side of him too? Or does she try to forget it exists?' She asked herself, already knowing the answer. Buffy could never love that part of Angel that was a vampire. The blonde had, in all the time she knew her, tried to forget about it. If Buffy had ever truly allowed herself to see Angel for the sum of all of his parts instead of just the parts she wanted to see, she would have been forced to realize things never could work between them.
'So instead she just blunders along in blissful ignorance. Seems to be working for her so far.' The red head sighed, forcing a smile onto her face as Angel opened his eyes at last. She watched as his eyes registered shock. Had he not even realized she was there.
"Willow." His features smoothed out to the mask she knew all too well. "You shouldn't have had to see me like that."
"Like what?" She asked gently, taking the thermos from him. "All I saw was my friend, in pain." She squeezed his hand. "More pain to come, I'm afraid. I need to clean you up and bandage that cut you got." She gestured to his stomach, reaching behind her for a washcloth. His shirt was in tatters, the thin silk having provided little resistance to the Shi'Kar's claws. Her fingers flew over the last remaining buttons, pulling aside the material. In any other situation she would have found herself blushing at the sight of his bare chest. Not now, though. Not with him cut from one side of his stomach to the other. She bit her lip to keep from crying out as the washcloth first touched the skin around the wound. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Angel lean back into the pillows, shutting his eyes in pain.
Torturous as it was to both of them, the former witch managed to clean the wound entirely, wiping away all traces of the blood he had lost. She could see already that the cut was healing, the magical properties of his body working to repair itself. "Can you sit up?"
Angel nodded, slowly rising to a sitting position. He closed his eyes again, submitting to the tender ministrations of the red haired woman sitting on the edge of his bed. How had he ever gotten lucky enough to deserve someone as wonderful as Willow in his life? She had faced him at his worse, demon showing, and still stayed to help him. Had acted, in fact, like it was no big deal to her at all. "How did I ever get a friend like you, Willow?" He asked quietly. If he hadn't been in so much pain he would have no doubt found the gentle touch of her fingers on his bare skin to be quite pleasurable. Again he found himself wondering what he was trying to accomplish by being with Buffy when Willow was there, being everything he needed. 'Because Willow would never be able to see you like that. She is your friend only.' He told himself.
Willow smiled at Angel. "You deserve a million friends like me, Angel. You do so much good in the world. Like killing those demons tonight." She sighed, clasping the edge of the bandage. "All done." She pushed gently on his chest, forcing him to lie down again. "You rest, now, okay? I'm going to go back downstairs and see if the others need anything."
The vampire watched her go, confusion over his own feelings warring with pain until he finally succumbed to sleep.
~*~Part Twenty~*~
Willow knew it was unfair of her to wish that Angel would stay too hurt to go out on his Saturday night date with Buffy.
But that didn’t stop her.
In the days that followed his injury the young witch watched over him constantly, at first bringing him things when it would have been too painful for him to move himself, and later, as he began to heal, just keeping him company when he needed someone to talk to about the entire thing. At one point she had forced herself to bite her lip to keep from telling him she had ‘known’ how stressful the entire thing had been. After all – she had felt it through the bond she shared with him, even if he wasn’t aware of that.
Friday night came and Willow’s heart sank as she found Angel actually walking around the lobby, going through the few new cases they had received while he had been out of commission. If he felt good enough to be up and out of bed he would certainly be keeping his date with Buffy on Saturday. Just another weekend in her own private Hell it seemed.
“How about this one, Wills? Tall, dark and handsome male seeks loving female.” Cordelia looked up from the newspaper, hope shining in her eyes. “You’re female and I’m sure you’re loving – how about it? Should we call?”
The red head groaned, watching Angel covertly out of the corner of her eyes. There were no outward signs of his injury and he seemed to be moving about with relative ease compared to the days before. Despite the fact that she felt happy to have him feeling better, she still found herself wishing he could have stayed hurt for just two more days. She had enjoyed the time they had spent together as he healed, talking and joking like they had before Buffy had reentered his life. It had been like discovering a good friend all over again.
And it made the entire situation hurt even more.
Whether it was the bond between them or some, other, type of connection, she didn’t know. All she did know was that she felt like there was no one like Angel in the entire world. No one she would ever feel so close to. No one she would ever love in this way. He was the other half of her heart and also, she believed, the other half of her soul.
“No, Cordy. I don’t want to go out on a blind date.” She said finally, bringing herself back to reality when the brunette cleared her throat, obviously expecting an answer. “It’s just not my style.”
“And what is your style?” Cordelia asked, the words coming out more harshly than she meant them to. “Sitting at home and crying yourself to sleep over Him?” She jerked her head in the direction of their boss, the vampire completely oblivious to their conversation. “You have to get over him sometime.”
“And I will.” Willow whispered, trying to convince herself of the same thing. In time the pain would fade, right? Even if he was her only hope for love she didn’t have to yearn for him for her entire life, did she? Eventually she would be able to date and have fun again – even if the relationships were meaningless. ‘Who am I kidding? There’s no point…’
“No point?”
Willow’s head shot up, her eyes widening. She blushed, grabbing up a book from the table and putting her nose into it before Cordelia could inquire further about what she had said or even blind dates in general. She heard the brunette take a breath to speak and implored her quietly. “Please, Cordy. Just let it go.”
Cordelia shook her head in irritation. She stood up from the table and left, leaving Willow to herself. ‘Since apparently she wants to spend the rest of her life by herself anyway.’ The former cheerleader growled internally. She knew that Willow’s main problem lie in Angel and the love she felt for him. But there was nothing to be done about it. Angel and Buffy were back together as much as everyone who knew the vampire hated the thought.
Hopefully Willow would snap out of her depression soon and find someone who was able to love her as much as she deserved.
~*~*~
Angel had heard the beginning of the conversation between Willow and his receptionist and had felt something altogether unexpected when the brunette had pointed out the classified ad to Willow.
Jealousy.
It had hit him like a fist in the stomach, the thought of Willow going out on a date with someone. On a deeper level he knew why he felt the way he did about the subject, but that part of him wasn’t allowed to have a voice in the daily running of his life. He couldn’t admit to himself that he cared a great deal more about Willow than just as a friend. Not when he had Buffy back in his life. Not when he didn’t want to risk his friendship with the red head. She would never be able to see him as anything other than a friend. He knew he was like an older brother to her – someone to talk with and ask advice from. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Though sometimes he wished for more.
He knew that that was unfair to Buffy. And maybe that was why the relationship they were trying to rekindle just wasn’t blazing like it should have been. Every time he was with the blonde he found a million and one ways to compare her to Willow.
So why did he keep up the charade with Buffy?
‘Because she’s been through so much. She needs a little happiness. And I can give it to her. I loved her once, I can love her again. I’m sure everything will fall into place tomorrow night.’ He reassured himself, hearing a chair scrape across the floor behind him. He looked over his shoulder, surprised to see Cordelia stomping off. Probably to find Groo and do unspeakable things in one of the upstairs bedrooms. He shuddered and then sighed. Why was it that he couldn’t find a relationship like the one those two had? They were perfect for each other he could admit, now that he was no longer lusting after his receptionist. Groo completed Cordelia in a way that Angel had never seen anyone do before. It was almost sickening the way they fawned over one another. But that’s what love did to you.
‘So why don’t I feel like fawning over Buffy?’ He asked himself. He lifted his arm from the desk, absently brushing a paper off of it and onto the floor. Bending to retrieve the document he winced, a sharp breath escaping from his mouth at the pain. It would still be days before his body was fully healed from the gash the demon had made in his stomach. If he hadn’t wanted so bad to have his night with Buffy and see once and for all if things were going to work or not, he would have just called the whole thing off and stayed home to rest.
“Angel?” Willow asked, laying a hand on his shoulder.
The vampire glanced upwards, still half-bent, trying to grab the paper from the floor. He had been so caught up in his thoughts he hadn’t even heard her get out of her chair. The paper disappeared from the floor, her quick hands placing it back where it belonged. Then, with a gentle pressure on his arm, she pulled him back to an upright position, her every touch tender and merciful. “You should go back and lay down. You’re not a hundred percent yet, you know.”
‘So much kinder than Buffy would be…’ He compared mentally. ‘NO! Stop that. No more. Its not fair to compare them. Not fair to Buffy and not fair to me. Even if things don’t work out with Buffy I will not ruin my friendship with Willow. She is too special for that.’ Aloud he managed to murmur, “I think you’re right. I need to get rested… Big night tomorrow.”
Was it just his imagination or did he hear her breath catch when he said that? Did the laughter leave her eyes? ‘Nah – I’m just imagining things. Why would my date with Buffy make her sad?’ He continued to ponder the question as he made his way up to his room, unaware of two sad green eyes watching him the entire time until they could see him no more.