Prologue

"Wake, from your sleep,The drying of your tears, Today, we escape, we escape."
(Exit music for a film - Radiohead.)
 

Willow came racing into the library, her red hair flying out behind her, trying to keep up. The others looked up in surprise as she slammed her hands down on the table, her eyes bright and her breath coming in short bursts.

"Where is he?" she half-shouted, trying to stop her body shaking.

Xander looked at her in surprise. "Who? Oz?" he asked < I thought they broke up >

Willow shook her head, still finding talking hard. She made sure not to look at Buffy though, as she said; "Angel."

Giles was staring at her in shock. < What the hell does she mean? > "Willow, Angel's in hell. You know that."

She shook her head again. "He"s back."

Before anyone could recover from the shock and confusion, a spark of inspiration hit Willow and she whispered triumphantly, 'the mansion!" and turned and ran.

They followed her, of course, but in her almost hysterical state, Willow out ran them all, especially since Giles' infamous car had broken down again. The mansion was echoing with screams as they flew through the doorway, reassured by the fact that the screams sounded male. Chasing down the corridors after the noise they came to the main room, but ran straight into some kind of forcefield. Willow was crouched in the middle of the floor; her arms wrapped tightly around a figure the others assumed must be Angel. She was rocking him slightly, shushing him as he cried.

Giles pushed against the shield, unable to break through, and assuming that his favourite little witch had been at work again.

"Willow, let us in."

Willow shook her head. "Go home. I"ll call you later."

The shield turned black, and they could no longer hear Angel's cries, or see what was going on inside.
 

Part One

"And either way you turn, I"ll be there, Open up your skull ,I"ll be there, Climbing up the walls."
(Climbing up the walls - Radiohead)
 

Willow couldn't say how she knew when Angel returned. Of course, she'd been trying to bring him back since he was first sent to hell. Despite everything Angelus had done to them, Willow knew that Angel had his soul again, and her gentle nature couldn't allow her to just leave him there. But she had failed .She told herself again and again that this wasn't like any of the other spells she had been casting. Even restoring a vampire's soul paled in comparison to bringing said vampire back from hell. She just had to keep trying. But she felt it when he returned, physically. All the fibres of her body vibrated with the knowledge that he was back, where he belonged. And she had to go to him. But now, as she held him in her arms and he trembled, blood tears rolling from his eyes, she didn't know what to do. She had assumed she would just know, as she had known he was back, but she had absolutely no idea how to help him. So she just held him, in his trance like state, as he moaned and screamed, until he finally fell asleep.

When Willow awoke, it was to the unfamiliar feeling of a body moving in her arms, her head rested against a strong chest, and dark eyes staring at her.

"Willow?" Angel whispered as her eyes opened. His voice was harsh and scratched. In one word he managed to convey all the pain he was feeling. He was afraid. Was this real, another dream, or another torment? She had been in his dreams so often. Was this just another one? Willow bounced to her feet.

"Angel! Oh God, you're back! You are okay, aren't you?" she bent down beside him. "I mean, how are you feeling?"

"Not sure," he answered, rubbing his head. "I think I'm okay, at least, as long as this is real."

"Oh, it's definitely real and Oh!" Her hand shot to her mouth, her eyes wide."Oh and I did a terrible thing."

"What?"

"I came and found you, and the others followed, and I locked them out. With a forcefield. Oh dear."

"Well I appreciate it, even if they don't," Angel said, surprisingly coherent and well.

"Why?"

"I couldn't have faced her so soon," he said, very quietly.Buffy. He was already thinking about Buffy. Why was she surprised?

"You"ll have to see her sometime," Willow pointed out.

"But not just yet," Angel answered. "I have some things to ask you first."

Warily, Willow sat down, not really feeling like answering questions. She wasn't even sure if she would know the answers to the sorts of questions that he was likely to ask. "What do you want to know?"

"How did you know I was here?"

Awkward question number one. "I don't know. Just did." She mumbled as a reply.

Angel sighed. His head was still screwed from the quick trip back, but he had to know these things. Then he could sleep, and pray not to have nightmares. "Did you try to bring me back?" he prompted the girl with her hair hiding her face.

"Yes." It was said so softly he almost didn't hear, and before he even thought, he heard the word "Why?" tumble from his lips.

"Well I couldn't just leave you there, could I?" Willow answered, a little angrily, looking up at him at last. How could he think that she wouldn't try to help him? "Despite what happened, you're our friend. At least, when you've got your soul. And I gave you that back, full package. No ifs, buts or clauses. So now you can always be our friend."

Angel looked at the hacker in astonishment. 'that was you? No clauses?" Before Willow could reply, he swept her up in his arms and hugged her so tight she thought she might never breathe again. When he finally put her down, he lapsed back into brooding.

"I still don't understand why you would do that for me after everything I did to you." Somehow, Willow knew the exact words that he needed to hear.

"Because I forgive you."
 

Part Two

"You make this all go away. I'm down to just to thing. And i'm starting to scare myself. Make this all go away."
(Something I can never have - NIN)
 

Angel was grateful to sleep again. Willow hadn't been particularly forth coming in respect to the hundreds of questions buzzing around in his brain, but he figured there was time enough for them later. He was back and full of soul, permanently. And for the moment that was all that mattered .He tried not to think of what the others would say, whether or not they would be so unconditionally forgiving as Willow had been. She had gone to phone them, and he was on his own again. He waited impatiently for her to return. He didn't want to be on his own anymore.

"Giles?" Willow had rung his house, hoping to speak to him alone. He would be disappointed, she knew, but he might also be slightly more inclined to listen than the others. At least, she hoped so.

"Willow?" He sounded like she had just woken him up. She wondered what time it was.

"Yeah, it"s me. I just wanted to ring and let you know everything was okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, Angel's Angel, still a little screwy after his unwelcome vacation, but fundamentally, he's still Angel. He's a little nervous about seeing you lot though."

"Understandably. You are sure that he is Angel though?"

"Absolutely."

"I suppose I"ll just have to trust you then." Giles had accepted that, for some reason, their little, mild Willow was not going to be pushed around in this matter.

"Yes. You will. I'll try to bring him to the library tomorrow." Willow sighed. She could hear Giles' disappointment.

"Bye, Giles." She hung up.

When Willow returned, Angel was curled up on himself, half sleeping, half waking, and mostly scared. She moved up slowly behind him, making sure that he knew she was there, so as not to startle him, and put her arms around him. He stirred only a little, but sunk deeper down into her arms, and sighed contentedly. He slept soundly as she held him.
 

Part Three

"wax me, mould me, heat the pins and stab them in you have turned me into this just wish that it was bullet proof"
(bulletproof (I wish I was) - Radiohead)
 

Angel refused to come with her to the library the next day, and insisted that she go during the sunlight hours so that she could be back at the mansion with him by sundown. Willow conceded, if only because she knew that Angel was nervous about being left at home alone. Her sympathy for the vampire welled up. She could only imagine what he had been through, and she tried her best not to do that too often. It was upsetting. It was only when she saw all the other pupils that Willow realised that she really should have been in school. <Too late for that now> She tried to be inconspicuous as she slunk along to the library. Giles, Buffy and Xander all looked up as she entered. Oz and Cordelia weren't there, and Willow was suddenly grateful. It was hard enough facing the original Scooby Gang, let alone the latest additions.

"Hi," she tried, awkwardly.

"Willow," Giles said, standing. "I"d like to talk to you alone, in my office."

Xander and Buffy both looked confused at his words; this obviously wasn't part of the rehearsed speech. But Willow ignored them and followed Giles into his tiny office. Giles sat behind his desk, giving the meeting an ominously formal air. Willow fiddled with her fingers and wished that she could just leave.

"How did you know Angel was back?" he asked, jumping straight to the point.

"I"m not sure. I could just feel it," she was at a loss to explain it anybetter.

"You"d tried to bring him back, hadn't you." Not a question, a statement of fact.

"Yes." Willow hung her head.

"Why."

Willow thought about her answer very carefully. She had avoided the real answer when Angel had asked, but she felt that she owed Giles the truth, if not more. "Because it was too painful to leave him in hell."

Giles didn't understand.

"For Buffy, maybe, but why for you?" He looked worried as a thought came to him. "You weren't in love."

Willow saved him. "I could feel the pain he was going through. In hell. I think it was a side effect of that damn soul restoration spell."

"Feel it? How."

"Nightmares," Willow answered shortly, trying not to remember the pain and the fear of her dreams. She had hardly slept since Angel had gone. "I had to bring him back. For my own sanity." She hoped he didn't hate her. Angelus had killed Jenny

"Why didn't you tell us?" He actually seemed concerned. Willow felt her hopes raise again.

'too much other stuff going on. Can we not tell the others about this?" For some reason, it was important that they not know. It would only make things harder.

"We have to tell them something."

"Make something up. Please." And with that, she walked out, straight past a confused Buffy and stunned Xander, running back to the mansion to be sure to be there by sunset. She knew that they didn't understand, just as much as she knew that she couldn't explain it to them. They had turned her into the person she was, but she knew that they would never accept it. If she had never met Buffy, she would have never had the courage to do the things she did; her magic, fighting demons. This was her life now, and they had given it to her. But she was still the mouse. That was what they expected from her. But it was no longer what she expected from herself. She had brought Angel back. And she had done it by herself, for herself, because it was something that she had to do. What she had told Giles about the dreams was only half of it. She couldn't tell him of the nights she woke up screaming, the nights she found herself halfway to the mansion, still only in her nightie. It had been so hard, but she couldn't have told them. That would have been even harder. As usual, they wouldn't have understood. She was going to have to tell Angel about the dreams. She sighed as she accepted this knowledge, knowing that it was inevitable. He would want to know, and she was too tired to lie to him.
 

Part Four

"They love me like i was a brother they protect me, listen to me they dug me my very own garden gave me sunshine, made me happy. nice dream, nice dream, nice dream."
(Nice Dream - Radiohead)
 

She ran through the front doors of the mansion, her head still spinning. She wanted to lie down and sleep. She didn't want to have to think, or act, or explain. She wanted to lie down somewhere very quiet and not move. She definitely did not want to walk into the mansion to see Angel standing by the fireplace, looking very speculative, and as if he wanted to ask her many difficult things. Again.  <Oh goddess, how long is this going to go on for? Can't he just accept that he's back and leave it at that? Why does he need explanations? >

"You had them too, didn't you."

Willow stopped, shocked, at his quiet words. "Pardon?"

"The dreams. Every moment in hell was like a nightmare to me, but every now and then, the pain would soften, and I would feel that you were there with me, like I could almost see you if I could just turn around. Then I'd wake up, and you were gone." He sat down on the floor. "And you felt them too."

"Yes." She wasn't going to lie anymore."But sometimes."  Willow knew what he was trying to say but couldn't. The dreams where the pain was hardly noticeable, until he had to go back.

"Yes, sometimes."

"You were so perfect in my dreams, I thought that you must be another torment. Mostly I didn't even believe that you were real. But you are, and you're still perfect. You got me out."

"Of course." She couldn't manage more than a couple of words. She was going to collapse at any moment.

"Was. was it. painful. The dreams." Willow didn't answer. She just let her head drop. She heard him break.

"O God," he choked out on a sob, "Willow," she couldn't bear to look up at the blood tears on his face. "I"m so sorry."

She dropped to the floor, her head in her hands, feeling the pain again.

~~~

It was as if she were inside him, part of him, she could feel what he felt but she couldn't see him. She felt their skin stretch and blister and burn. She felt their outsides turn black, and their insides turn to flames. She felt their eyes explode, their nails scratching at their face, their swollen tongue begging for it to stop. But it didn't. It seemed to go on for an eternity. And Willow woke up screaming.

~~~

She shook her head to try and lose the image, at least for the moment. Angel was still on his knees in front of her, his face and chest covered in blood tears that were dripping onto his sweatpants. His eyes stared into her as she looked up. She moved towards him, putting her hands on his shoulders and staring right back at him. They were silent for a moment, before Angel yanked her into his arms and held her as she cried, her salt tears mixing with his blood ones, as if they were one again. When she fell asleep in his arms, Angel carried her upstairs to a bedroom and lay her on the bed beside him. He smiled when she instinctively found her way back into his arms. He held her while they slept.
 

Part Five

"I still recall the taste of my tears.echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.my favourite dreams of you still wash ashore. scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore."
(Something I can never have - NIN)
 

He dreamt that he was back in hell. In his dreams he saw the faces of his tormentors, and they all looked like Willow. In his dreams he felt her laugh at his pain. In his dreams she told him that he could never go home. In his dreams she hated him. In his dreams he reached out and grabbed her. He woke with his arms tight around her waist, her warm hands on his cold bare back, his red tears staining her T-shirt.

She saw the pain in his eyes when he woke, and longed to stop it. And suddenly, without words, he let her know how. Asking with his eyes, he started to kiss her breasts through the T-shirt, his mouth hungry and desperate. When he met with no resistance, he pulled her clothing off over her head, his mouth immediately latching back onto her chest. His hands were on her shoulders pushing her back down onto the bed, and she carefully stopped herself panicking at the thought of what he was going to do. She had dreamt with him again, and she understood what was going on, what he needed to erase the thought of her torturing him in hell.

His hands and mouth were all over her. This was no delicate love, she thought, only a desperate need. He yanked his sweatpants off, and sank deep inside of her. Willow bit her lip at the pain, telling herself again and again that this was what he needed. He needed her to accept him fully, to give him this release. His pain was too great, and he needed her to lessen it .So Willow allowed him to have her, to take her virginity, with no tenderness or concern, because of her love for him. And when he finally came, he sunk his fangs into her breast and fed from her.
 

Part Six

"And Hell was so cold All the vases are so broken And the roses tear our hands all open."
(Great Big White World - Marilyn Manson)
 

Willow's right arm was numb. <Just like the rest of me>. Angel was sprawled over her, exhausted by the events of the last few days, her blood and his blood covering the both of them. He had passed out before he drained her. <He wouldn't have drained me. Would he? He was pretty far-gone. > Willow shook her head and tried to stop thinking. It was strange, she felt completely apathetic, but her mind wouldn't stop racing with mostly incoherent thoughts. She considered trying to leave, but decided that she really didn't have the energy necessary to remove the vampire that was lying on top of her. <I can't just run away from him. I let him do what he did. I could have stopped him. But I didn't. > She decided not to think about why she hadn't stopped him. She had a horrible feeling that it wasn't just because she had experienced his dream, and knew how hurt he would be by it. <He's bound to brood over this one.What can I say though? Nothing is going to make him feel better about this. He's like a child. He needs permanent reassurances.> She shuddered slightly. <I don't want to be here when he wakes up. > But she didn't have much choice.

Angel lifted his head, just a little, off her breast, and she watched the expressions play across his face as he remembered everything that had happened, but found that she was unable to react. She felt completely anaesthetised. Angel didn't move any further, but she felt one of his tears drop onto her bare skin.The watch on her wrist that she could just see informed her that it was just after sunset. If she ran, he'd only follow. Besides, what was the point of running now? She didn't regret what she had done, and nothing she could say was going to change the fact that it had happened. She wondered what she could say to Angel. She knew that she should say something.

"It"s okay, you know." What else could she say?

"You're wrong." His voice was thick with the blood he was crying.

And then the door opened.
 
 

An hour later, Willow was still lying in Angel's bed, but this time she was alone, and this time it was her who was crying. Angel had left, she didn't know where he had gone, or if he was coming back. Xander and Buffy, on the other hand, had made it very clear that they were going to the library, and she was not at all welcome to join them. In fact, Willow thought that if they ever saw her again, she would be lucky to get out alive. Buffy was not a happy slayer. Which was understandable. But Willow wished that Buffy had at least taken the time to listen to what she'd had to say <Not that I'd have been able to explain it. But I would have tried. > Instead, the blonde slayer had simply looked at the scene in front of her, and hissed "Bitch."

Turning on her heel, Buffy had walked halfway through the door before turning to look at her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend again and adding "If I ever see either of you again, I"ll stake you both. Vampire or not."

Willow got the impression that certain bridges had been permanently burned. Xander, she remembered, hadn't said a word. But she would have sworn that he was almost crying. He had left immediately on Buffy's heel. Willow brushed the tears from her cheeks and sat up in the darkness. She couldn't stay there any longer. It was almost sunrise, and Angel still wasn't back. She gathered her clothes, and threw them back on, ignoring the multiple bloodstains. Without looking back at the bedroom, Willow ran out into the rising sun.
 

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