Part 18
 

“Go to sleep.”

“Not now, Xander.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Don’t you have something else you could be doing?”

“They’re making me stay here with you, now go to sleep.”

Angel glared at the teenager, “I don’t need to be babysat.”

“It’s three in the afternoon. Now is not the time to play insomniac. You need to rest.”

“I need to figure out a way to get Willow-,”

“Look, man. If I blame anyone for Willow being missing, it’s you, okay?” Xander let out a tired sigh, “But I know that this is how she wanted to do things and I know that the only way you’re really going to be able to help her is if you get some rest.”

“Xand-,”

“Go to sleep now or I’ll get Cordelia.”

Defiantly, Angel threw off the blanket and sat up, “Do whatever you feel is necessary, Xander, but right now I’m-“

“Angel, get back into bed.”

Both men snapped up to look at the doorway.

Cordelia surveyed the scene in front of her with a look of distaste. “I don’t know what moron assigned you Angel-duty, Xander, but consider yourself relieved. I’ll take over from here.”

“Fine by me. You try.” Shrugging, he stood up and limped his way out of the room.

“Close the door on your way out and, oh, Julian and Amy could probably use some research help. The watchers that are in there with them are, like, SO horrible. It’s like having 5 Giles except they won’t SHUT UP and they keep arguing.”

“Julian and Amy, huh?” Xander paused at the door.

“Mhmmm..” Cordelia responded, having already returned her attention to tucking a glowering Angel back into bed.

“Have they seemed a little…chummy to you lately?”

Cordelia paused and shot Angel a wry smile before responding to Xander, her back still turned to him, “Chummy?

“You know…like they’ve been spending a lot of time together and all…”

“I haven’t noticed.” Cordelia’s voice took on a sing-song quality as she smoothed the fluffy white down comforter over Angel. “Why? Jealous, Xander?”

“No!”

“Riiiight.” She drawled, her back still turned to him. With a mildly speculative air, she drew back and eyed her work. “As usual, I rock. Don’t even THINK about messing the bed up again or I’ll send Laura in here with makeup.”

The vampire merely glared at her in return.

She sighed. “Look, Angel, as much as I hate to admit it, Xander’s right-you need to stay put.”

“But Cord-,”

“Here, if you won’t sleep, take this journal and help with the research. I’ll have one of the mini-slayers come in later with…food.” The brunette couldn’t help wrinkling her nose slightly at the thought of having to heat another cup of pigs’ blood. “Now shut up and rest or I really will be forced to sic them on you. Have you seen Buffy? I think her head has a permanent dent from the braids.”

Dutifully pleased with the fear that lit his features, she threw him a brilliant smile before walking out.

Once the door had closed, Angel glanced resentfully at the comforter before wordlessly picking up the book in front of him.

He wasn’t exactly stupid. He knew very well that they’d passed the book off to him in order to placate his nerves long enough for him to recover somewhat from his injuries. Lying here in bed, even with the journal in hand, wasn’t doing anyone much good. Unfortunately, without a solid plan of attack or a location to strike at, there was little else he could do.

Once he had a direction, though, Angel vowed to come out swinging. He should have staked Spike the moment he regained his soul. He knew it then just as much as he knew it now, only now, Willow was paying for his bad judgement.

Sighing, Angel opened up the journal. Although he knew he shouldn’t, he wondered where she was. He wondered whether or not Spike knew about their deception or whether she was still in control. Every time the doorbell rang, admitting yet another Watcher sent to help look for her, he couldn’t help but tense and hope that it was the Immortal Watcher herself. In his heart, though, he knew that something terribly wrong must have happened or else Willow WOULD have found her way home. With Angel safe, she had no reason to stay. The only alternatives were if she was too injured to leave or being held captive, neither of which the vampire wanted to dwell on. If Spike gained the upper hand, he would turn Willow in a second. There was no doubt about it. In two short days she would turn 18 and then there would be no stopping him.

Angel growled softly before turning the page.

He hated feeling helpless.

If anything, brooding over difficult subjects was his forte and lying in bed all day had given him an unfortunate amount of time to think about his situation. In the short hours he’d been afforded rest, the vampire had reexamined the past few months and still couldn’t get over the fact that he hadn’t caught on earlier. Everything from her long-winded, overly apologetic IM messages to her careful nurturing of the slayers-in-training practically screamed her real identity. Everything, that is, except her ability to fight. He’d never seen anything like it. Even when he fought with Buffy, he’d never experienced the same thing he felt while fighting with Willow. With the Slayer, their battles had always been structured as Buffy taking down as many vampires as she could handle and Angel picking up whoever was left. He constantly found himself looking over his shoulder, trying to ascertain if she was all right. Whether it made sense or not, a part of him was constantly distracted by her presence and concerned for her well-being.

With Willow, fights were totally different. Instead of working independently, they worked in unison. They shared enemies and barely even needed to look at one another to know where their relative positions were. Much like an extension of himself such as an arm or a leg, he didn’t worry about her. The magnitude of her ability was unquestionable.

‘I loved you enough to get you out of hell once. I know I can do it again.’

The words that had both scared and enthralled him in that torture chamber echoed through his mind. It had taken him quite some time to fully understand their meaning, especially given the fact that he knew it was Buffy’s love for him, not Willow’s, that had inadvertently opened the portal that allowed him to drop back to earth. Never one to accept ‘fate’ as a definitive answer for anything, Angel had done a little research of his own. He knew that Willow had performed her soul restoration spell just before he was sent to hell (having a sword being rammed through one, tends to stick in one’s memory) and although it hadn’t prevented him from going there, it was the lifeline that had brought him back. Willow’s spell had served almost like a tether between him and earth. Without it, even the amount of love Buffy had for him wouldn’t have been enough to trigger the portal that sent him home.

Given Willow’s inexperience and bad luck with spellcasting, however, the obvious question was how she’d managed to pull it off. Without any additional information, he had merely assumed that she’d performed it under someone else’s guidance. Perhaps Amy, for instance. But now, after having spoken briefly with Cordelia about it, he’d found out that she had performed the spell alone while in the hospital. Even having seen the miracles that took place almost daily on the Hellmouth, Angel knew that nothing happened without cause. There was no way that Willow could have completed the spell on her own. She simply didn’t have the experience or the power necessary.

So that left a very uncomfortable discrepancy within the given facts. And even though he detested such things, Angel recognized that this might not be an appropriate time to dwell on it.

When she had come to ‘visit’ LA and they had been driving back from the bus station in the car, she had asked him whether or not he considered his Protector to be a friend. If there was one thing he regretted, it was that he hadn’t given her a more definitive answer. Instead, he had chosen to downplay his own feelings as he often did and made their relationship sound so much more distant to him than it really was. He cherished her role as his Protector and whether or not he would openly admit it to others or even himself, he loved her dearly for it. And now he wondered what that love really meant.

“Here’s your blood.”

Angel looked up and attempted a smile at the young girl standing over him, “Thanks.” Taking the warm mug from her, he returned his attention to the book  he was engrossed in.

Robin let out a weak smile in return and quickly scurried back to her friends, “Ohmygosh, he is SO hot,” she gushed.

“When our Immortal Watcher picks em, DAMN does she pick em.” Hilary let out a sigh as she gazed dreamily at the vampire lying a few feet away, entirely devoted to his research and completely unaware of his growing group of admirers.

“You think they’ve done it?”

“Laura!” Robin let out a mildly outraged shriek on behalf of her missing leader, “Of course not! Willow wouldn’t…well, I mean…” While Robin was busy chastising her friend, Angel shifted in bed, inadvertently exposing a large expanse of well-muscled thigh before absent-mindedly covering up again with the blanket. The slayer in training  trailed off and licked her lips unconsciously, “Who knows? Maybe she did…I hope she did! If she didn’t, I mean, what a waste!”

“Do you think he’s naked under that blanket?” Laura asked, standing on her tiptoes to look over Hilary’s head.

“I can’t believe you people.” Tracy rolled her eyes.

“Just because you choose to be asexual does not mean that the rest of us have to, Trace,” Eliz responded, also trying to get a better look at Angel past Hilary.

“I am NOT asexual, all I’m saying is that he’s, like 300 years old and a VAMPIRE an-,”

“JR!” Interrupting Tracy’s indignant speech, Laura leaned over to grab the quiet dark haired girl who had been walking past them, “We need a good woman for a mission, you in?”

Warily eyeing her colleague, JR shrugged slightly. She often didn’t like to involve herself in the usually illegal activities of the rest of the group, but every so often she was willing to make an exception, “Depends on the kind of mission.”

Smirking evilly, Laura yanked the other girl closer and whispered rapidly into her ear. In seconds, JR looked like she was trying hard not to laugh.

“So you there?” The raven haired teenager asked her co-conspirator.

Giggling softly, JR relented. “Yeah, I’m in.”

Holding hands tightly, the two girls entered Angel’s room and marched up to his bed.

It took the vampire a few seconds to look up, but when he did he greeted them warmly, “Hi girls. Robin just gave me my blood so I don’t need anything else. You guys can go off and help Amy and Whistler if you want.”

“Actually, Angel,” Laura purred his name, “We were wondering if you might want us to help you in a different way. See, Whistler mentioned that there were some parts of the time while Spike kidnapped you that you don’t remember.”

Putting his book down fully, Angel nodded, “Some things are still fuzzy but I told Whistler almost all of i-,”

“But see, that’s where JR comes in,” Laura broke in smoothly, “She can help you to remember.”

Angel silently analyzed the situation. Laura was someone he’d been warned about repeatedly. First by Cordelia, then by Giles and recently by Whistler. JR on the other hand was widely respected as the most levelheaded and mature slayer in training in the group. Most of the Watchers prayed nightly that if anyone was activated, it would be her and the Council as a whole put most of their faith and resources into her training. They had put her on an accelerated program, one which would allow her to take over as a Watcher if she wasn’t called as a Slayer. JR was undoubtedly trustworthy.

The odd combination of personalities was enough to throw anyone.

 “How can she do that?”

JR opened her mouth to respond.

“Well, you now how she’s, like a braniac and all?” Laura rushed on.

JR closed her mouth.

 “See, the Council has been trying this combination physical/mental exercise regime to strengthen her natural…abilities.”

Angel nodded. It sounded plausible.

Smiling sweetly, the dark haired slayer in training let the bomb drop, “So JR’S big thing is telepathy.”

Angel nodded again before the full implication of her words sunk in, “Mind reading,” he blurted out reflexively.  Vaguely he hoped his voice didn’t sound as panicked to the two teenagers as it had to him.

“Yup.” They responded in unison.

“Well, since I’m a vampire,” He began, thinking back to the time that Buffy had been given a similar ‘gift’.

“Her specialty is vampires.”

“Oh.” He lapsed into silence. Suddenly he thought he could understand what Xander had felt like during that period of time. Angel’s demon had protected him from Buffy’s powers but Xander had been nearly beside himself with the knowledge that his mind was like an open book to the Slayer. He’d been unable to think of anything but the most inappropriate. Luckily, Angel had marginally more emotional control than that.

He hoped.

Was it his imagination or had Laura’s smile become almost predatory?

“Let’s begin…JR?” She signaled to the other girl and before Angel could protest, he found himself being scrutinized by the other girl’s large brown eyes.

“Just think of something neutral but relevant as a focal point.” Laura continued, “Try and clear your mind and focus on something important to the experience….like Willow, for instance.”

Unbidden, vivid memories of the ‘torture session’ that he’d shared with the hacker burst into his mind like a full-length Technicolor movie.

“I-I don’t think this is going to help,” he managed weakly, “Why don’t you two go see if Cordelia needs some help?” Although the expression on JR”s face hadn’t changed to one of shock or dismay, Angel felt exceedingly uncomfortable.

 “Thinking about Willow isn’t a bad thing or anything is it?” Laura stared at him innocently, “I mean, the focal point SHOULD be something that has emotion attached…”

The image in Angel’s head shifted slightly and took on more of a fantasy quality.  Suddenly, he was no longer chained and bound.

She was.

Desperately, the vampire tried to retrain his attention on something else less…stimulating.  “No, it’s nothing like that, but I think you two should really go find Cor-”

“Oh good.” Laura said, breathing a sigh of relief.

JR snorted softly to herself and Angel’s eyes flew back to hers, anxiety etched in their dark depths.

“Cordelia!” he called.

Laura smiled leeringly, “Now just hold still.”

“Interesting….”, drawled the normally quiet slayer-in-training, almost causing Angel to blush.

“C-Cordelia!”

“What?!” finally responding to Angel’s frantic screams, the brunette teenager stuck her head in the room. Surveying the smug look on Laura’s face, she sighed. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. Normally she wouldn’t mind a little bit of Angel harassment but not when he was still injured and not with Willow still missing. “Okay, everyone out!” Making shooing motion with her hands, she impatiently waved the gaggle of girls out of the room.

“That’s okay, we were done anyway, right JR?” Laura smiled at her companion.

“Yup,” she winked playfully at the distraught vampire, acting her part to the fullest before allowing herself to be swept out of the room with her friends.

“Verdict?” Hilary asked once they were safetly out of earshot.

JR smiled slightly and shrugged, “He seemed kind of edgy…”

Laura rolled her eyes, “He nearly peed in his pants. Naww, they haven’t done anything....”

Tracy sighed.

“…yet.”
 

Part 19
 

It was a dream, that was for sure.

Angel glanced around the lushly furnished room in awe. Despite the warm intimacy of his surroundings, he felt a shiver run up his spine. From the large mahogany bed to the gently crackling fireplace, the space looked almost identical to one of Angelus’ old bedrooms. In fact, he was fairly sure that this room was a manifestation of just that.

In any event, there was no question about it. There was no way in hell that his injuries had healed so quickly or that he had been somehow transported back in time to his old mansion in Prague. There was also no way in hell that he was standing in the same room as Willow, watching her nervously readjust her long white skirt with the lovely matching embroidered bodice. Even so, he had to suppress the urge to run up and hug her.

Thus, it was necessary to remind himself that he most definitely was dreaming all this. His body was still asleep in Cordelia’s bedroom, bandaged and being appropriately fussed over. He wondered when he’d fallen asleep. Not that it mattered, really. It was more of an academic curiosity.

“You’re here!” dream Willow smiled with relief, “I wasn’t sure if you’d come…”

Angel nodded silently while drinking in her dream-beauty. She looked especially fetching when she smiled.

She patted the space next to her on the bed with a sweet, beckoning glance. He paused for a moment before lithely making his way towards her, admiring the flickering shadows the solitary light from the hearth cast upon her features.

But this was a dream so there were no shadows. No, of course not.

Silly him.

Obligingly, he sat down next to her, still slightly in awe of the vivid quality of his dream.

“We’re in trouble,” she whispered to him softly, as if afraid of being overheard. He used her quiet tone of voice as an excuse to lean closer to her.

“Where are we?” Angel asked, curiosity getting the better of him, even in his dreams.

Turning away, she gestured to a nearby window, “See for yourself.”

Following her direction, he rose quickly to get a good look outside. He was somewhat surprised to find that instead of grass and trees, there was yet another room. It was appeared considerably darker and colder than their current dwelling. The furnishings were almost Spartan and looked old and worn down.

Reaching out, Angel ran his fingers lightly over the cold glass. “What is this?” he murmured to no one in particular.

“It’s where I’m trapped.”

He started slightly at the proximity of her voice but relaxed when he felt the weight of her body leaning against his back.
He knew that in real life Willow would never be so bold as to physically approach him and the information was somewhat disappointing. This dream was obviously some way for his conscience to try and make amends with itself and he knew he was meant to draw comfort from it. Although the metaphor of the dark room next door was still a mystery to him, he realized that it was in his own mind and therefore, the mystery could wait.

“I know you’re mad at me. I don’t blame you,” she continued and he could feel the warmth of her breath against the thin cotton of his shirt but shivered as she idly traced patterns along his spine, “I’m sorry, Angel. I’m so sorry I got us into this. This is all so completely my fault. If only I’d been more honest! You wouldn’t have been alone and caught off guard and Spike wouldn’t have been able to torture-,” She broke off for a moment and tried to still the rapid beating of her heart before continuing. “I knew it was wrong to lie to you but Whistler said that we had to because he knew…” She trailed off again and this time her hand stilled in its activity.

“He knew what, Willow?” Angel asked patiently, turning towards her. She took one or two shuddering breaths before shaking her head almost angrily in an attempt to control her emotions. “You know you can trust me now,” he responded quietly while wiping away the few tears that trailed down her face.

“He knew that I was in l-love with you,” she flushed and refused to meet his gaze as if she’d said a dirty word. Pulling out of his grasp she proceeded to pace the room, pointedly ignoring the way his dark eyes tracked her movements silently. “I guess that deep down, I knew it too, which is why I let him talk me into this whole thing. Cordelia showed me all this…stuff….documents and records of obituaries of past Protectors. She said that if I was in love with you I’d get careless and you could die. I guess she was right. I mean, look at us now!”

“Willow, you can’t blame yourself for this!” Angel protested, forgetting for a moment that this was only a dream and the woman he was comforting wasn’t truly hearing his words.

“I-I kissed you on purpose, Angel. Julian didn’t tell me to do it. I did it myself.” She said softly, careful to position herself as far from him as possible. “I want you to know that. And I’m sorry for…confusing you like that. It was my idea and my fault. Julian didn’t have anything to do with that.”

Her words brought the surreal element of the situation crashing back to him and the vampire sighed softly. “I forgive you, Willow, I know you’re sorry,” he said, gazing blankly out the window again, while trying to understand why his mind had created such an intricate yet altogether unbelievable scenario to assuage itself. It was as if she was saying everything he had hoped she would which made her words even more glaringly his own creation. Wasn’t the point of a dream to fool you into thinking you were awake?

Angel couldn’t help but feel somewhat disappointed. He’d always thought he was more clever than this…

“Well a-actually, I’m not.” She responded.

Well, that was unexpected and decidedly more like it, the vampire thought gleefully.

“A-about the kiss I mean. I’m sorry for all that…uhm…other stuff,” she looked like she really didn’t want to go into details on that particular subject, “but not the kiss. It was something I wanted to do right then and I did and I never do stuff like that so I’m not sorry I did. I’m sorry if you’re sorry that I’m not sorry, but I’m not .”

He needed to replay her words in his head in order to obtain their full meaning amidst the dream Willow-babble, but once he did, he couldn’t help but smile, “Willow, calm down.”

“I-I can’t!” She looked even more flustered, “I mean, I didn’t want for this to happen, Angel. You know that, right? Like, I’m not that kind of girl.”

He stared at her, amused.

“You-you’re Buffy’s boyfriend!” She blurted out. “I don’t want you to think this was premeditated or something.”

“Willow,” He took a step towards her, amusement still dancing in his dark eyes, “You’re making it sound like murder.”

“B-but it was!” She exclaimed, not noticing the fact that he was slowly progressing closer to her corner of the room, “Murder! Horrible, cold-blooded murder of a perfectly good friendship-two perfectly good friendships once Buffy finds out and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her especially since she’s never going to respect me again and oh God I’m the immortal Watcher and the Slayers-in-training will probably find out about it too and they’ll think I’m skanky which I deserve but I swear, Angel, it wasn’t-,” She squeaked and looked up when she suddenly felt his hands encompass her own, “premeditated,” she finished weakly, gazing up at him. Her mouth formed a small “o” and she was breathing somewhat irregularly. Whether it was from the exertion of her words or her proximity to Angel, neither was certain.

“Okay,” He started, fixing her with as intense a look of seriousness he could muster in order to give proper weight to his words, “first of all, Willow, no one could ever think you were a bad person. You did what you had to do to get me out and no one will hold that against you.”

“I wasn’t doing what I had to do, I was being SELFISH!” She wailed in frustration, “I was being a horrible, evil, selfish person who wasn’t even thinking about what she was supposed to be doing or who her friends were and should be SHOT-,”

“Willow!” He broke in sharply, giving the dream girl a warning look, “Stop that!”

He waited for her to nod her head shakily before continuing.

“Second of all, Buffy, you and me are friends and nothing is ever going to change that.”

Although the hacker looked like she desperately wanted to comment upon that statement, he didn’t give her a chance.

“Look, Willow, it’s been a long time for Buffy and me. Sometimes I feel like-,” he paused in an attempt to choose the right words. “Sometimes I wonder if it’s fair to her that we’ve never discussed…moving on.”

 “Oh, but Angel, Buffy loves you!” Willow’s nervous energy almost instantly transferred on behalf of her friend. “She’d be heartbroken. Y-you can’t! Ohmygosh, you really can’t!”

Angel sighed, all the while trying to reassure himself that this was a dream, but at the same time hesitant to confide his concerns. “Yes, but, she’s young, Willow. And…well…love changes when you’re young. It’s holding her back. I mean, sometimes, I wonder if I’m holding her back.”

“Never. You could never hold her back by loving her. I mean, have you seen how happy she is around you? She carries so much sometimes but nobody sees that when the two of you are together.” Willow smiled at him, her eyes still bright with tears, “If anything, Angel, you help her to fly.”

He shook his head, “And that’s exactly why I feel like I should let her go. She can do it on her own, now. Buffy’s strong. She doesn’t need a crutch anymore.”

“Angel, your love for her isn’t just-,”

 “Willow, when I say I’m being unfair…,” He averted his gaze slightly. “I don’t just mean to Buffy.”

His words were followed by a long silence and when he looked back, she was gazing at him with a thoughtfulness and wisdom that was downright startling. A strange chord of recognition struck within him and suddenly Angel knew he’d seen that look before. In Merrick.  For the first time since he’d found out who she really was, he felt like he was addressing the Immortal Watcher face to face.

“Angel,” Her words were soft but deliberate, “if two people are meant to happen…they happen.” Her lips quirked slightly, “The universe isn’t so cruel as people give it credit sometimes.”

He let the words sink in before realizing that she never made it clear exactly who she was referring to. But before he could ask, a look of tense concentration overtook her features.

“He’s back,” she whispered. “Go home.”

Without warning, a bright light bathed the room, forcing Angel to close his eyes against the glare.

By the time he’d opened them again, he was back in bed, face to face with a very concerned looking Cordelia.

“I’ve been yelling your name for the past 2 minutes,” she said in irritation. “Without the breathing and all I thought you were dead…well, more dead than usual.” She shuddered. “Creepy.”

**

“Darla? Darla dearest, wake up. I have a nice cup of fresh blood for you.” The roughness of Spike’s attempt to awaken her belied the kind words. “Bloody hell, wake up!”

With a start, Willow opened her eyes and stared up at him, a mixture of confusion and fear in her green eyes. As the final remnants of sleep were rapidly chased from her body, she was able to focus more clearly and the fear evaporated.

“Spike?” She sat up. “Ooh, I feel dizzy.”

“It’s lack of food, dearest. Now drink up.” Firmly, he placed the cup in her hands, forcing her pale white fingers to grasp it.

Wrinkling her nose slightly, Willow took a deep breath and downed the contents. Afterwards, she had to grit her teeth to prevent herself from gagging the whole thing back up.

Spike smiled idly at her barely masked disgust. “Now wasn’t that good?”

She managed a slight nod.

“Wonderful, now why don’t you lie still and I’ll be right back to change the dressing on your wounds.”

“Okay…thanks…” She whispered as he stalked out of the room. Gingerly, she put down the red-stained cup in her hands and tried to focus on what she’d dreamt about. She thought it felt vaguely important and began to feel a strange niggling itch rise in the back of her head as if she really ought to be able to remember it.

For the life of her, though, she could not.
 

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