SUMMARY: ummm I am not telling nuh nope you have to read it.
RATING: PG-13 deals with abuse
DISTRIBUTION: Peri always can have it. You want it you can have it just let me know. Wanna see my baby go to a good home.
DISCLAMIER: None of the characters contained within this story belong to me. They are all the property of Joss Whedon and the WB. All characters are used without permission and no copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I want to thank everyone for their help and words of encouragement especially the girls in the willandis chat room. Joy my beta reader thankie :)
FEEDBACK: Come on Please!! :) If I don't get any I will think that you gals and guy don't want me to finish it. All flames fed to my pet dragon, Talen.
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~Prologue~
The Diary of Willow Anne Rosenburg
Dear Diary, He lied to me. I can't do this any more. All he does is lie. I mean, does he even know what the truth is anymore? I've let him tell me again and again that he loves me only to watch him make it another lie by hurting me. Each time he's destroying my soul just a little more. When I gave him my love, I also freely gave him this power that he continues to abuse as he abuses me again and again.
So, why do the demons torment me in my sleep. At first, I believed he could change and that his behavior was my fault. I felt that I had done something wrong to make him mad, that the problem was me, but no matter how much I changed or tried to do this or that to make him happy, it was never enough. He was never happy and he never stopped the pain he caused me. He took something from me and broke it. I can't fix it or move on. I try so very hard, but at night, in my dreams he is still there Mocking me… Beating me… like before. Reminding me that I will never be whole without him. He tells me I am nothing without him and like a blind fool I believe him. With him there is only one thing that he will bring me and that is my death. I love him. Why does he hit me? Is love a slap across the face, a punch in the stomach. Is it pain, cold hard demoralizing pain that rips you apart?
Why does he want me? He tells me I am nothing, that I am a stupid little child who knows nothing. I am ugly, unattractive. That no one will ever look at me and want me. So why does he? I left him. I got away, so why is he still tormenting me? STOP PAIN!!! Haven't I suffered enough? Why is he not punished for his crimes? They let him go free. They could not imprison him for my pain. From his cage on the full moon he haunts taunts me with that fact the he is not remorseful of his crimes that if he was set him free he would find me and hurt me all over again there is no restraining order or police or deity, anything that I could do to protect myself. I am his and there is no escape for me. There is no release from this cycle of pain.
It's close to the time again. I know that he coming for me again I feel it. I see it. His van coming up the street form my window. He is going to hurt me again. I still wonder what I did to anger him.He was so sweet at the beginning, making me forget the past and all the unrequited love that I had felt for Xander. He took his time and let me fall for him. He made sure that it wasn't just that I didn't want to be alone but that I wanted to be with him. So sweet and tender always quiet in a group, a wolf in a sheep's clothing was what he was. The first time I saw what he really was I could believe it. I can see things more clearly now. They say hindsight is 20/20. Now I see all the little warning signs I missed then, the possessiveness and underlying violence about him. I told myself that it was just his wolf nature, that he wasn't in control, but then it became more and frequent and I had to admit the truth. It wasn't the wolf, it was him. I should have left then. I should have told Giles or Buffy or even Xander. I didn't. I stayed.… Foolishly. I stayed thinking that my love would change things, that if I was perfect he couldn't hurt me and it would be like before he was hitting me. I remember the first time. I think that first time I was in shock, numb that this man I loved and trusted could do something like that. He apologized and gave me a beautiful yellow rose. It means forgiveness, he told me. He said that he wanted to be forgiven and that is would never happen again. I believed him that first time. I really did, but after a while I stopped believing it. I just said the words so that I wouldn't be alone anymore.
Finally, while he was hitting me, I started thinking that I this was going to be my life. If I didn't leave him one day he would kill me. I really didn't want to die. It had gone on too long. What would the others think? In some ways it was my fault. I let him do this to me. I didn't stop him and I lied and made excuses. I hid the truth from them. Why would they believe me now? Stop! They love you and they will protect you, I told myself. I didn't tell Buffy or Giles or Xander. I just couldn't stand to see the pity their eyes, so I told the only other person I trusted …Angel. It's a funny thing, he knew before I told him. I guess being two centuries old you pick up on things faster. He bandaged my wounds and held me, telling me it wasn't my fault and that he would protect me. I felt safe in his arms. I finally started to tell him my story of how it began.…
~Part: 1~
School.....
"Oz is playing at the Bronze tonight isn't he?" Buffy asked.
"As always. We are going to meet up after the show you know, and hang" Willow said, slightly blushing.
"Oooo Willow is getting some major smoochie action, huh?" Buffy replied, teasing her a little.
"Well. Umm, yeah. He is so great. I really do love him." Willow said and then rushed to class.
That night at the Bronze....
"Oz, you were great." Willow told her boyfriend.
"Thanks. Lets just get out of here," Oz replied.
Willow and Oz said their goodbyes and left the Bronze.
The Rosenberg home ..... Willow's parents were away at some convention. Willow and Oz sat in the living room not really watching the movie they had rented. They were too busy cuddling and
kissing. It was getting really intense, but then Willow pulled away.
"What's wrong Willow? Why are being such a little tease?" Oz said frustrated.
"I'm not, I'm just not ready. We agreed to wait," Willow defended herself, a little hurt at the accusation.
"I have been waiting. I bet you wouldn't be this way if I was Xander," Oz shot at her.
"That's it. I'm not listening to this anymore. I don't know what's gotten into you, but I think you should leave." Willow told him as she tried to get up.
Oz was too fast for her and with almost predatory grace he pinned her wrists together over her head with one hand. He was fully against and her she could feel his arousal. Willow was terrified and began to tremble. Oz could smell her fear. It was such a power-rush.
"Oz, What are you doing?" Willow said, clearly scared and confused.
"I am so tired of your Little Miss Innocent act, Willow. It's time to play." Oz said coldly.
"Oz, No! Stop! You're hurting me." Willow cried out in pain and fear.
"Yeah, and I know you love it." Oz said. His voice was cold and sadistic.
Oz forced her down on the couch, bruising her wrists. Oz pinned her and maneuvered himself so that he was sitting on her legs. The first blow stunned Willow. She watched passively as he beat her. Her mind went numb and all she felt was the pain. The pain was enough. It was blinding. Willow didn't make a sound to cry out. All she could do was keep repeating in a small, broken voice, "Oz, no."
After what seemed like forever, Oz stopped. He released her and got up and walked out of the house. After a while, Willow got up and went to her room, still in shock. Too soon the shock wore off and the tears came. Willow curled up in a ball on her bed, rocking and crying. After what seemed like forever, she got up and undressed, looking in the mirror. She couldn't believe her body. She saw the bruises everywhere, over her breasts, stomach and legs. She looked once again at the purplish coloring that covering her body. Then she turned around and saw the gashes on her back . They were light and would heal quickly. She just wanted to sleep and wake up to find that it had all been a sick little dream. Deep down she knew better. She took a hot shower and doctored her back. After putting on a loose gown she laid down and went to sleep.
The next Morning.....
Willow woke up to her alarm. She turned it off and felt the pain all over her body. The events of the night before came rushing back to her. She got dressed, covering her bruised body with clothing. She ate a quick breakfast, got her books together and left for school.
School....
When Willow got into the Library she sat down at the computer and started to research the latest threat to humanity. Giles greeted her with a warm "Hello." Soon Buffy bounced through the door in true slayer fashion. She ran up and hugged Willow. Willow gasped and pulled away in pain.
"Willow, what's wrong? What happened?" Buffy asked .
"Vamps. Nothing that won't heal," Willow lied.
Just then Oz walked in, wanting to talk to Giles.
"Where is Giles. I need to talk to him?" Oz asked.
"He's in his office," Buffy answered, totally unaware of the events of the previous night.
"Cool," Oz said. Then he looked at Willow and gave her a patented Oz Smile.
"Hey Babe," Oz said.
"Hey Oz, I have to get to class. I'll see you later, ok?" she replied.
Willow made a hasty exit to class. At lunch Oz caught up with her and convinced her to go to his van so that they could talk. He looked so sad and even remorseful that she began to believe him.
"Willow, babe, I don't know what came over me. I am so sorry. It will never happen again. I love you so much. I am just afraid of losing you." Oz told her.
"I don't know if I can trust you or forgive you Oz," Willow told him.
Oz reached into his van and pulled out three yellow roses handing them to her.
"A yellow rose means forgiveness. I know it's a lot to ask. but please forgive me. It will never happen again." Oz told her with a pleading look in his eyes.
"Oh, Oz I forgive you. It will take time to trust you again, but I am willing to try." Willow told him.
Oz pulled Willow into his arms and held her tightly, though not so tight that it hurt her bruised body. They walked to class together.
The Cycle begins.......
~Part: 2~
One month Later....
"Oz, is taking me out tonight. He won't tell me where we are going. It's a surprise. I am so excited," Willow told Buffy, with a joy shinning in her eyes.
"Oz, is so sweet and romantic. I wish he would give Xander a few tips. Xander thinks that making out in a cemetery is romance," Buffy said with a sigh.
Buffy and Xander had been dating a few weeks. Buffy just gave up on her relationship with Angel. They couldn't work things out. They remained friends, and Angel was still an important part of the Slayerettes. Cordy and Xander had a short but passionate fling that was over in the same hormonal rush that it began. Xander and Buffy were happy together and, that was all that mattered to Willow. She had put her childhood crush behind her and had moved to a new part of her life.
"So, what are you and Xander doing tonight?" Willow questioned the Slayer.
"I have to patrol tonight. So, the Bronze and some smoochies," Buffy answered.
"Smoochies are good," Willow said.
"Yeah. So how much time do you have left to get ready?" Buffy asked.
"About an hour," Willow said, looking at the clock in her bedroom.
"Then I better go. I have to meet with Giles at the library before I go home and get ready myself," Buffy said.
Buffy hugged Willow and then left Willow to get ready. Willow dressed with care for the special evening with Oz. Soon, she heard a knock at the door. Willow answered it with a smile. Oz looked handsome, as always, in a pair of gray slacks and a pale ice blue shirt.
He took her hand, and they left the house.
They had dinner at a small Italian restaurant that was their favorite. Then, Oz took her to a beautiful spot at the edge of town, and he sang her love songs on his guitar in the moonlight and by a few candles that he brought. When he took her home, they cuddled together on the couch in the living room, talking about the day and all the good times they had. Suddenly, Oz started to get loud and then he grabbed her and pulled her to her feet.
"Willow! You are so pathetic! Can't you do anything right? Who would want you? All you are is a mousy, plain, little child!" Oz spat out with disgust. Oz then hit her in the stomach, knocking her down to the floor. Willow started to crawl away from Oz, trying to get away.
Oz went after her, stalking and catching her easily. Oz continued his assault on her, hiting her arms and legs, scratching her legs and back, leaving small light cuts all over her body. Oz was like an enraged demon the entire time, telling her this was her fault. That she caused this. That she was worthless. That no one cared. He told her this again and again as he beat her. Tears went down her face, and Willow was numb. Her mind just went numb. She couldn't believe that this was happening again. The pain was blinding, and then as suddenly as it had started, it stopped, and Oz just left.
Willow knew this time it wasn't a dream, so she just went to her room and doctored her body, and dressed in a soft, light shift, and went to sleep to get away from the nightmare that had just happened.
The next morning...
Willow dressed with care while covering her bruised body. She looked in the mirror at the woman staring back at her, and said to the mirror "It was all my fault..."
The cycle repeats...
~Part: 3~
The next night...
It was the first night of the full moon. She hated it. She wanted to be away from him, but she had to protect him from others.
Buffy and Faith were patrolling; Giles was researching the latest prophecy with Willow's help. Angel walked in the library, offering to help them. Xander was on a food run. Angel sat next to Willow, near the computer, going through a book on the new monster that they were about to face.
Angel was only half reading the text. He was watching Willow, who seemed to be acting strange tonight. She was even more withdrawn than normal, almost scared as she researched and watched Oz. Oz was wilder than he had ever been. He was violent, untamed. Almost viscous in his element. Willow just watched him, looking like the cage wasn't enough. Angel had never seen her act this way.
<Maybe his wolf nature was just getting to her.>
"Willow, are you okay? You seem upset. Is there anything I can do?" Angel asked, concerned. Angel moved beside her, and Willow moved away, distrustful of his presence.
"I'm fine. Just tired," Willow answered.
Angel watched her. He knew that something was wrong, he just couldn't place it. He wondered why she had lied to him. Angel just decided to wait it out and be there for the woman who had saved his life and soul so many times.
"Okay. Just remember that even if you think that you don't have anyone to go to, I am here for you," Angel told her.
Willow looked at him for a minute, half-scared that he knew her secret. She wanted to talk to someone, anyone about it. It was eating her alive but she was terrified of what Oz would do to her if she talked, and what they would think of her for letting it go on for so long.
"Angel, it's nothing really. I'm just having trouble sleeping. I swear, if there was a problem, you would be one of the first to know," Willow lied to Angel.
Angel looked at Willow, saw the look of fear in her eyes, and knew that she wasn't ready to talk. Angel could guess what was troubling her. As much as he wanted to protect her from it, he knew that if he stepped in, it would only make the matter worse. Angel just hoped that she would come to him in time. They researched in silence the rest if the night.
Three days later...
"Willoooooooooow! We're going to be late! Xander and Oz are going to be here any minute! Hurry up!" Buffy yelled at Willow. Willow threw her hair up in a quick ponytail and ran downstairs to an anxious friend.
"Buffy, I'm ready. Relax. You're acting like this is your first date with Xander. We're just going to the movies. Did the guys ever decide on a movie?" Willow calmed her friend. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Willow and Buffy went to answer it. Oz and Xander had arrived with flowers in their hands. After a few minutes of 'Hello's', hugs, and debate over the movie, the two couples were ready to go. At the theater, the they all sat in the back, and there was even a little making out going on between both couples. After the movie, Buffy complained about patrolling.
"The movie was great, guys. I loved the chemistry between Richard Gere and Julia Roberts," Willow said.
"I totally agree. 'Runaway Bride' was a great movie. As much as I would love to talk about this, I still have to patrol tonight, and I have to study. Ready, Xander?" Buffy answered as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend, kissing his cheek.
"Ready, willing, and able, Buff," Xander replied. The two couples exchanged 'Good-bye's' as the Slayer and her boyfriend left for patrol. Willow and Oz walked to the van. The ride home was quiet, neither said much. They walked up to the front door of Willow's house. She leaned in to kiss Oz goodnight, not really wanting to have him come in, even though her parents weren't home. The kiss started as a soft caress and became possessive. Oz softly whispered to her as he nuzzled her ear, "Let's take this inside, baby."
They went inside the house and cuddled on the loveseat in the living room. Willow had her head on his lap; Oz was stroking her hair gently. They began to chat of little things like demons, homework, classes, the band, and friends they both knew. During the conversation, Oz became more and more agitated, even belligerent.
Willow, though, seemed to be ignoring his behavior, hoping that it was something else. Hoping that it would just go away. Oz soon got up and pulled Willow with him.
"The little child still doesn't get it. Why would anyone care about her poor pathetic little problems? Do you talk just to hear your voice whine? I swear, you have no idea what a real problem is. Why can't you just grow up and act like a real woman?" Oz taunted her.
He pulled her up, off the ground by the throat, cutting her air supply, then threw her down. Hard. Willow's body hit the floor with a thump, her shoulder bruised. Willow made a little high pitched sound of pain. Her mind had finally started to accept in some form what was about to happen to her, and she started to blame herself for setting him off.
Soon, Oz had her pinned to the floor where he was just hitting her chest and stomach. The pain was huge. Waves of pain ripped over her body, over and over again. Her arm were bruised by the sheer excessive force that he was using to hold her down. Suddenly, he flipped her and re-pinned her with her face against the carpet. Oz took off his faded-looking, brown leather belt with a sliver wolf buckle. He started to whip her back with it, then he spanked her. Tears, unchecked from all the pain she was enduring, ran freely down her face.
He was so full of rage. As he beat her, he threw insults, telling her how little she was worth to everyone. Finally, Willow, from all the excessive pain that was ripping through her body, passed out. When she woke again, her whole body screamed from the brutal beating she had been given. Willow realized that it was morning. Time to be getting ready for school. Up to her to prepare for the day. On her bed she found a note from Oz.
Willow, Tell anyone, and next time you won't wake up. Be ready for me to pick you for school.
OZ
Willow Checked her body for cuts and bruises. She treated them as best she could on her own. She put heavy makeup on to cover any bruises that she couldn't hide with clothing. She went down to wait for her boyfriend to pick her up. Oz arrived shortly and took her to school. He warned her what would happen if she told. The beatings became more consistent, and one day, she finally realized it had to stop or it would happen. Just like the note she got that day had said, she wouldn't wake up...
The Cycle grows...
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