Sounds of the Heart

Author: Sunfire

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
 

Part 6: Am I the Only One

'There is no good reason I should have to be alone I'm smothered by this emptiness Lord, I wish I were made of stone'

The only sound made as the two young women walked down the dark streets was the click-clack of the brunette's heels. The red head's blank face belayed the tumultuous state of her thoughts. Her feet moved slowly, but her thoughts spun around in her mind, so fast that she could not hold onto any one thought, and found herself struggling to control her emotions. The only thing that remained within her reach was the image of Oz and Harmony.

Cordelia's thoughts were almost as hectic as her companion's. She didn't understand what she was feeling. For most of her life, she had thought the shy hacker was nothing more than a nerd. Then, when she became a part of the small group, she grudgingly began to like the girl. Willow was always the first to help anyone that asked. It seemed like the small girl could always find the positive aspect of any situation. As Cordelia looked over at her now, however, it was obvious that the ability was currently failing the red head.

The taller girl couldn’t understand the sympathy and remorse that she felt whenever she had seen the witch over the last few days. *Well, she was the first of the group to accept me as a friend. Besides Xander of course. Maybe I, like, owe her or something?* The May Queen shook her head. *No. Remember Xander. She kissed him. She stole my boyfriend.* Brown hair fell from behind her shoulders, partially covering her face as she looked down at her hands. *Of course, if there wasn't anything wrong with the relationship to begin with, maybe he wouldn't have kissed her after all.*

Raising one of the hands she had been studying so intently, she ran five perfectly manicured nails through her hair. *No. There was nothing wrong with me and Xander. It was all her fault. Yep. All hers. And I hate her for it. I don't feel the least bit sorry for her. Nope, not at all. No sympathy, just hate. No matter how utterly lost and afraid she looks. So, she's depressed, big deal. It's not my problem. I don't care. Really, I don't.*

As Cordelia tried to convince herself of her lack of sympathy for the girl next to her, her soon-to-be houseguest was waging her own battle with herself.  *Oz. Harmony. Oz and Harmony. Oz with Harmony.*  The preceding half an hour replayed itself within her mind. The blonde's comments in the bathroom, her ex-boyfriend and her second worst childhood tormentor's passionate embrace. The sights and sounds of the evening spun around in her head. Out of everything that had happened, it was the May Queen's reaction that confused her the most. She could almost understand why Oz and Harmony were behaving the way they were, but why Cordelia was being so nice, even going so far as to invite her over for the night, was beyond the hacker's comprehension. *She hates me, doesn't she? I mean, if I were her, I'd hate me, after everything I've done.*

Both girls were brought out of their thoughts as the Chase's driveway came into view. The house itself was not visible from the street, being setback several yards into the property. After they had walked a few yards, they reached a large black iron fence that ran the entire perimeter of the estate, at least all of it that Willow could see. Cordelia walked over to a key pad that was mounted onto the gate and punched several keys. The gate opened, and then closed behind them as they walked the rest of the way up to the cheerleader's home. From the stone pathway they were taking to the door, lush green lawns, and well tended flowerbeds extended on both sides, until they reached manicured trees on the right, and what appeared to be stables on the left.

Reaching the front door, the brunette pushed a button on a small intercom and greeted the person on the other end with a simple, "Hey Thomas, it's me."

Several moments later, the large oak door was opened and the young women were granted entrance. The wide hallway Willow found herself in was open and brightly lit. The middle aged maid took their coats and hung them in the hall closet as she started talking with her employer's only daughter.

"Good evening Miss Cordelia. Who's this young lady?" The teen looked over at Willow, not quiet sure what to say. *Who's that? 'My friend,' 'the other woman?'* Ignoring her own sarcastic inner musings, she merely said, "This is Willow Rosenberg. Willow, this is Christen. She's our ousekeeper."

Christen smiled warmly at the red head, "Nice to meet you Miss Rosenberg. I'm glad to see that our Miss Cordelia finally decided to bring someone over. I believe the last time she brought anyone over was her third grade sleepover." The ash blond smiled innocently at the glare the tall brunette threw in her direction. Taking it as her cue to depart, she walked them to the staircase at the end of the hall.

"Alright then, there's some pie left over in the fridge if you girls get hungry."

"Thanks Christen."

The older woman once again smiled at her young mistress before continuing. "I'm just finishing your laundry Miss. I'll put it away in the morning after you leave for school so I don't disturb you two."

"That's alright Christen. Just leave them in the room and I'll put them away when I get home tomorrow."

The two exchanged smiles as if this conversation was a regular occurrence.

"If you insist Miss."

"I do."

"Alright then. I'll just finish up in the pantry."

"You went shopping today?" The May Queen's smile widened slightly at the news.

"Yes, this afternoon; and yes, I got the cookies you love so much. They're in their usual spot behind the cereal." Cordelia's smile turned into a grin as she gave the housekeeper a hug and a quick thank-you.

Christen shook her head and walked off in what Willow assumed was the direction of the pantry. As they ascended the marble staircase, a loud  crash was heard from above them, followed by a stream of curses. Willow saw her hostess wince at the noise, but it didn't appear to surprise her since she continued to walk up the stairs. Yelling soon accompanied the swearing as they headed towards their destination.

"Damn it Richard! What in the hell are you doing?"

"Oh lay off it, Karen! This isn't my fault, so stop trying to blame me."

"I don't have to blame you. You're the genius that came up with this idea in the first place. We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you!"

"Hey! You're the one who didn't want to be bothered with the finances, and had me deal with them instead. Well, I did, and I did a damn good job too!"

"Yeah, you did great. Just fucking great, you idiot!"

The yelling became quieter as Willow and Cordelia reached the end of the hallway that lead off of the stairs at the second floor. Cordelia ushered the hacker into her room and shut the door.

'Like a fool, I lent my soul to love And it paid me back in change'

The two stood awkwardly for a moment before the brunette broke the silence. "Um, I'm going to go take a shower." She was half way to the door when she stopped and turned around. She forcefully smothered the sharp pain in her chest when she looked into the once again expressionless face of the shorter girl.

With a slight sigh of disgust at her own behavior, Cordelia walked over to her dresser and pulled out a pair of her pajamas. Dropping them on the foot of her queen size bed, she pointed to the closed door.

"There's a guest bathroom down the hall, second door to the right, if you want to shower. You can put those on when you're done." With an offhanded gesture at the clothes she had just gotten out, she disappeared behind the door of her personal bathroom.

When she heard the water start, Willow picked up the tank-top and shorts that the cheerleader had left for her, and made her way to the bathroom. After a quick shower, she changed into the pajamas, and with her dirty clothes under one arm, returned to the tastefully decorated room of her hostess. It had been a week since she had met Angel in the park and tended to an injured Cordelia. In that time, she had gotten an average of about four hours of sleep a night, and it was becoming addictive. She was still crying herself to sleep, but she was staying asleep for over an hour at a time before the nightmares woke her. It had gotten to the point where she was unable to finish her homework if she had not slept at least three hours the night before. As it was, she had barely gotten those three hours the previous night, having been kept awake by memories of Oz.

*Oz. I can't believe he's going out with Harmony!  He knows how much she's terrorized me throughout school. I thought he cared for me. Why would he do that? Why?* Tears slid down her pale cheeks as she let the hurt and loneliness surround her. *Is this how Oz felt when he found me with Xander? Is this how Cordelia felt?* The thin redhead felt her knees buckle and let herself fall. Luckily she was standing next to the cheerleader's bed, and the majority of her body fell onto the soft mattress. She brought the rest of her body onto the bed, becoming as small as
possible while the pain and guilt wrapped themselves tightly around her. Her world faded away as her vision went black. She fell once more into a slumber plagued with anguish and nightmares; one thought repeating itself within her mind, *I'm sorry Oz. I'm sorry Cordelia. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.*

After buttoning up her silk pajama top, the May Queen waited for the mirror to de-fog before she brushed her hair and teeth. When she was done, she made her way back into her bedroom. Using one hand to towel dry the last moisture from her hair, she opened the bathroom door with the other. She stopped abruptly, just outside the door, her eyes locked onto her bed.

On the top of the white comforter, lay her houseguest. The brunette couldn't pull her eyes away from the pitiful sight in front of her. The red-haired witch was curled into the fetal position, with her knees almost touching her chest and her two small fists resting on her breast bone.
Willow's thin frame trembled and soft whimpers issued from her dry, cracked lips. Cordelia's stomach clenched involuntarily as her eyes fell upon the hacker's face, contorted in pain, the fresh tear tracks catching the light. The cheerleader began to detect moans and garbled sentences among the already audible whimpers. Listening carefully she could hear words being said.

"Oz...no...sorry...my fault...my fault...Xander...sorry...Cordelia...hurt...my fault...so sorry...so sorry..."

Brown eyes closed, and she felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. It was the first time she had heard the hacker speak since the kidnapping. She wasn't sure which was more depressing, silence, or the heartbroken words that had just echoed through her now silent room. Silent that is, except for the occasional whimper emanating from the still shaking form of her red-haired houseguest. Unable to listen to the mournful sounds any longer, she walked around to the side of the bed. Reaching out, she placed a hand hesitantly on the witch's shoulder.

"Will-" her voice faltered, and shaking the other girl's shoulder slightly, she tried again. "Willow?" This time she said it louder, and the hacker jolted
awake. Startled, Cordelia took a step back from the bed as wild green eyes darted frantically around the room.

The red head scrambled backward until her back hit the wooden headboard behind her. Still trembling uncontrollably, two frail arms wrapped themselves around her bent legs, holding them to her as she continued to look around the bedroom in an attempt to remember where she was. Emerald eyes shined with tears as they swept over the walls of the brunette's room before settling on the other girl's face.  Concern was barely discernable on the May Queen's face before indifference settled back over her features. Cordelia turned away from the hacker's stare and walked over to her desk to busy herself with putting her books into her backpack. When she turned back around, her guest was hunched over, staring intently at her clasped hands. The words she had overheard the girl mumbling in her sleep came back to the cheerleader and she suddenly felt cold all over. A shiver ran up her spine as she watched a lone tear falling from the witch's red, swollen eyes. She could sense the guilt and pain that was radiating off of the small girl from across the room. Cordelia was overcome by the unbidden impulse to somehow ease the hacker's pain, if only slightly.

'God help me Am I the only one Who's ever felt this way'

Walking over to the door, she turned the knob and called to the frail form on her bed. "Come on Willow, let's go downstairs for a little while." Confusion was obvious in the watery green gaze, but the redhead followed the taller girl out of the room, down the stairs and into a room to the right of the wide entrance hall. Motioning for her companion to take a seat on the large brown leather couch in the middle of the room, Cordelia walked over to the small bar in the back left corner. Dark brown eyes found an unopened bottle of imported Sauternes 98.

*This should help her loosen up a little, and then maybe she'll forget to be so depressed, for a little while at least. Not that I care if she's  epressed.  I mean, why should I care? She's the one that stole my boyfriend. I just don't want to have to put up with her annoyingly depressed attitude.*  Reaching under the bar, she picked up the bottle opener and uncorked the bottle. Grabbing two wineglasses from the rack above the bar, Cordelia walked over to the couch and set the items on the glass coffee table in front of the couch. As she began pouring wine for herself and her houseguest, she gestured towards a shelving unit next to the large entertainment centre, which sat against the wall in front of them. "Go ahead and pick out something." At the other girl's bewildered expression, she clarified the statement. "You know, a movie, to watch." Willow rose from her seat and made her way over to the shelf to browse the titles. The organizational system was startlingly similar to the one she herself
employed at her own house. The movies were grouped by category and genre. It started with action, comedy, drama, and romance, with a section of animated and Disney films at the bottom. Starting at the bottom, Willow skimmed over the titles, somewhat surprised at the wide rang of selections the brunette owned.  Automatically ruling out the possibility of a romance or drama, since she was not in the mood for anything with angst, she browsed the animated pictures. Every one of them seemed to involve a romantic relationship between the main characters therefore excluding them from the list of possibilities. Just as she was about to suggest that they watch an old Abbot and Costello, she noticed several familiar titles amongst the action films.

The red head stared at the movies for a moment, not quite sure why the cheerleader owned the particular videos. They weren’t the type of movie that she thought the girl would like. Her mind’s eye pictured the very same row of movies sitting on her shelf at home and found it strange that they obviously had such similar taste in films. Deciding that she would like to see if Cordelia really did like them, she pulled out one of her favorites. When she reached the couch she handed the box to her hostess and the brunette put the movie in the VCR.

As they situated themselves on the sofa, Cordelia reached for the remote and sat it on the coffee table next to their glasses. As she started the  movie, she picked up her glass and took a sip before glancing between the still untouched glass and the red head sitting next to her on the couch. *I don’t know why I’m going to all this trouble for her. What am I saying? I know exactly why, I feel sorry for her, although I really shouldn’t. I mean, she did steal my boyfriend.* Sighing in exasperation, the May Queen leaned forward and reached for the glass. She then held it out to her houseguest. "Here." When the other girl merely looked at the glass she was holding, she held it closer to the hacker. "Take it. It’s only wine, have a couple sips. You don’t have to drink it all. Just have a little, it’ll help you relax. You look like you could loosen up a bit."  Willow hesitantly took the wine from her and looked at the liquid skeptically. Green eyes raised and met brown before she carefully took a tiny sip. "See, it tastes good." With that, chocolate brown orbs turned back to the flickering screen in front of them.

‘A heart that’s worn and weathered Would know better than to fight But I wore mine like a weapon Played our love like a crime’

Cordelia was somewhat surprised with the movie the witch had chosen, having never pictured the shy hacker as liking action movies. All the same, she was grateful that the other girl had not chosen a romantic movie since she didn’t really think she could have sat through one without getting upset.

"I really like that movie, it’s definitely better than the first one." As the credits rolled, she poured the last few drops of wine into her glass and
threw away the empty bottle. From the corner of her eye, the brunette watched Willow as she took another sip of the wine. Both girls had had about two and a half glasses and the cheerleader could only hope that it had helped relax the silent hacker. "I love all Steven Seagal’s movies, they have excellent combat scenes. He sure is good at that stuff. I’m not sure if there is one of his movies I like more than this one. ‘The Patriot’ would be better, but it has hardly any action." The wine had had the desired effect on the evening’s hostess and she was much more comfortable around her guest.

"‘Glimmer Man.’" The voice was soft and hesitant but it seemed to echo loudly through the room. Cordelia turned and looked at the red head in shock, and it was several seconds before she was able to process exactly what the other girl had said. "Yeah, I guess you’re right, ‘The Glimmer Man’ is better than ‘Under Siege II.’"

*I think that’s the first time I’ve actually heard her say anything. I can’t believe she’s talking to me. I can’t believe she knows what ‘The Glimmer Man’ is, let alone that Steven Seagal is in it.* The May Queen wasn’t sure which had surprised her more, that the witch had spoken, or that the girl had obviously seen the action movies to which she had been referring.

"You know, I never really thought of you as someone who would like Seagal movies."

The hacker nodded slightly, then looked over at the cheerleader and tilted her head to the side as if to say, ‘What about you?’
"Ok, so I’m not exactly the type you’d picture watching them either. I probably wouldn’t even know who Steven Seagal was if wasn’t for my cousin Rick.  He came over last year and had a couple movies with him. I saw one or two and I was hooked. I like the combat scenes, they’re a lot better than most martial arts films I’ve seen. More realistic anyway. Plus the acting in most of them is better than the majority of action movies. I only wish I could fight as well as he does, it would sure come in handy around here. I hate always having to rely on Buffy to save me."

There was a slight trace of venom in her voice as the brunette mentioned her dependence on the slayer. Something akin to understanding flashed across Willow’s normally expressionless features as she nodded minutely in agreement.  It was a little of a surprise to learn that the girl felt the same about being constantly protected by the blonde. *I don’t know why, Buffy treats her the same as she treats you- like a weakling- plus she is around her more often.* "Kinda makes you feel... I don’t know," pausing to find the word, she almost didn’t hear the quiet exclamation uttered by her guest.

"Helpless." The emotion behind that one word said more than the red head had in over two weeks. The sadness in her voice almost made her companion physically wince in sympathy.

"Yeah, helpless. No offence to her or anything, but she has the tendency to make others feel kind of inferior, you know?" The witch nodded again. *How many times is she gonna do that? Well, at least she’s showing some emotion, and she’s almost participating in the conversation, I mean she’s said like three words already tonight. Not that I care if she’s talking, I’m only talking with her ‘cause there’s nothing else to do. I don’t care at all. Not at all.* She repeated the thought to herself for a minute. Her repetitive insistence that she didn’t care was of course, in no way meant to convince herself of the fact.

"Granted, sometimes it’s ok to be protected, cared for, but this is not one of those times."  The hacker nodded her head once more as her mind’s
eye pictured that night she had been sitting alone in the park. She pictured the dark haired vampire talking softly to her, could almost feel him holding her to him as she had cried. She recalled how safe and protected she had felt in his strong embrace.  Yes, sometimes it was definitely alright to be protected.

"I remember one night last summer, when Buffy was gone, we had been patrolling and a vamp had attacked me. Xander threw it off of me and dusted it. Not before it hit him a few times though, he never was that good at the fighting." A slightly wistful smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she spoke. "For several days afterwards, he was so overprotective of me. It was so sweet, you know." As she realized what she had been saying, the smile disappeared and a scowl took it’s place. *And then he went and kissed her.  Was I so bad that he had to find someone else?* She gave up trying to convince herself that it had been Willow who made Xander cheat on her. *It had to be his choice, I mean Willow’s capable of a lot of things, but seducing someone is not one of them. So what was it that was so lacking in our relationship that he had to go looking for it with her?*

Willow sat there, watching the emotions swirl around in the other girl’s eyes, she felt something tug at her from within as she was forced to notice how very similar the brunette seemed to be feeling.  Realization dawned on her, she was not the only one that was hurting from what had happened. Before, she had thought the souled vampire was the only one who knew what she was going through, knew the feeling of inescapable loneliness. As if she had been a prisoner suddenly freed from solitary confinement, a desolate wanderer that had suddenly come upon a village of
people, the strangling isolation loosened its grip on her battered heart. Looking at her hostess, hope surged to life within her. The possibility of having found someone as lonely as she brought long forgotten warmth to her soul. As the icy wall began to melt ever so slightly, another thought registered in her brain; if her former nemesis was experiencing the same intolerable pain, than she was also feeling the utter desperation for understanding companionship. As this occurred to her, her arm moved of its own violation.  A small cool hand on her arm startled the May Queen
out of her reverie and dark brown eyes met sad green.  In the few seconds their eyes remained locked, Cordelia clearly saw the guilt and sympathy in the emerald depths while the red head noticed the usually hidden pain and loneliness in the chocolate pools.

'And it run me out, and struck me out And it hung years on my face God help me, am I the only one Who’s ever felt this way’

The brunette was the first to break the brief eye contact, and shifted her gaze to her hands. "So, um, you wanna get something to eat or anything?" The shorter girl shrugged her shoulders and the two made their way into the large kitchen. Cordelia made a B line for the pantry as her guest stood awkwardly by the door. Moving aside a box of cereal, she spotted the object of her search. With a triumphant ‘Aha,’ she brought out a box of Nilla wafer cookies. Setting the box on the gray marble counter in the middle of the room, she then retrieved a container of milk from
the refrigerator.

"Would you like anything? Um, let’s see, we have Oreos. We have cookie dough ice cream, too, if you’d rather have that." The red head pointed at the Oreos and the cheerleader poured them both a glass of cold milk, handing one to her guest and setting hers next to the food while she put the milk away. Closing the fridge, she then picked up her glass and the two boxes of cookies before leading the way back up to her room. As she slowly sipped at the cold milk and took a bite of a chocolate cookie, she let her eyes scan the other girl’s room. She was somewhat surprised by how neat and organized it was. The walls were painted a pale blue with a light sprinkling of silver glitter.  Adhesive glow in the dark stars wove complicated patterns on the dark blue ceiling. Sky blue cotton sheets and a white down comforter covered the bed.  The floor was made of some unidentifiable dark wood.  On each side of the four poster wooden bed was a small table, the one on the right holding a small lamp and a picture frame. As she looked closer, she discovered that the frame contained the same picture she had in her own room; Buffy, Giles, Oz, Xander, herself, and the brunette in the library. The table on the left had a clock radio and a thin notebook.

Windows took up the majority of the wall space on the other sides of the tables.  To the right of the door stood two large wooden bookcases filled with books. The witch had never really thought of the girl as the scholarly type, but it was obvious by the abundance of novels and other books, that Cordelia liked to read. Turning, she faced the wall across from the end of the bed. On the far left stood a long mahogany desk with a computer. She remembered having seen a few text books lying next to the PC, but her hostess had put them in the backpack currently sitting on the floor next to the desk. Another picture frame sat on the desktop next to a cup of pens and pencils. This picture, however was not one the red head had ever seen. It was obviously an old photo, having been taken when the cheerleader was about ten or eleven. It showed the brunette sitting atop a black horse, looking quite at home in the saddle. The hacker’s mind flashed back to her walk up the Chase’s stone walkway and the stables that had been situated off to the left. She tried to picture the May Queen in the saddle of a horse, but couldn’t manage the feet. Her eyes moved to the wall directly in front of and above the desk and were greeted with an array of pictures and magazine cutouts, all of ancient monuments or statues.  Directly across from her seat at the foot of the bed, sat a small shelf with a radio on the top. A rack of CDs sat to the radio’s right. At the far right of the wall there was a dark wood dresser with a corkboard on the wall above it. The board was filled with photos,
all landscape shots. Some had been taken at a beach, others appeared to have been taken somewhere in the mountains or foothills. Willow wondered who had taken the pictures but shrugged it off as she continued her exploration of her hostess’ room.

‘Now my sense of humor needs a break See a shadow in the mirror And she’s laughin’ through her tears One more smile’s all I can fake’

Turning to look at the wall to her right, she bypassed the closed closet door and let her eyes run over what looked like a vanity. The top of it had a vast array of make-up, nail polish, hair brushes, lotions and other skin- and hair-care products. A large mirror hung on the wall above it. All around the mirror there were magazine cut-outs placed together to form a large collage. Models, movie stars, writers, painters, obscure advertisements, and abstract pictures jumbled together. Words cut from articles and other sources, like ‘normal,’ ‘dreams,’ ‘reality,’ ‘glamour,’ ‘ugly,’ ‘friends,’ ‘bitch,’ ‘popular,’ and ‘alone,’ were scattered amongst the pictures. There was never a full phrase or sentence, only lone words.

On the right hand side of the vanity was a tall wooden shelving unit with framed certificates, newspaper articles, and awards. Several trophies for
cheerleading, a beauty pageant, the May Queen award, and other trophies of her popularity also graced the shelves. Despite the numerous cheerleading awards and trophies, however, there were no pictures, of her or the squad. Willow found this odd, having expected there to be several shots of the girl in her uniform, at games or competitions. By herself or with her fellow cheerleaders; most of whom were members of the
group referred to as ‘The Cordettes.’ The more she thought about it, the more the hacker realized that the only personal pictures in the entire room were the one of a young Cordelia on horseback, and the group shot from the library.

At some point during her examination, the room’s owner had gone into the bathroom, situated next to the object of the red head’s attention. As the brunette entered the room, she noted where her guest was looking. Turning to her right, the cheerleader approached the shelves. "There sure is a lot of them isn’t there?" Despite her words, not an ounce of pride or satisfaction could be heard in her voice.  The witch watched as Cordelia lightly touched one of the cheerleading trophies. "I really do love it, it’s just too bad it’s not a solo sport. But then again, Mom and Dad were so happy that we won and the Chase name was in the paper again that they got me a new computer." Bitter sarcasm colored her tone as she
gestured towards the machine on her desk. "It’s supposed to be top of the line, not that I know how to do anything besides use the word processor. You’d probably get a lot more use out of it than I ever would." The slightest hint of something akin to jealousy could be heard in her voice.

"Anyway," shaking her head at the melancholy thoughts, the brunette turned towards the room’s other occupant. "It’s getting kinda late so I should probably figure out what I’m gonna wear tomorrow and get ready for bed. Oh, speaking of what to wear tomorrow, do you have anything with you to wear to school?"

Willow stood and made her way over to the her backpack. She had gone over to the slayer’s after school, and from there had gone to the Bronze, so she’d never had a chance to drop it off at her house. She opened it up, and scrounged around until, at the bottom of the bag, she saw one of her sweaters. She had placed it in the bag the day before and had forgotten to take it out. Holding it up for the cheerleader to see, she tilted her head in the direction of the lose jeans she had worn to school. The May Queen looked at the sweater and jeans and rolled her eyes. "You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s like all you ever wear. I’m sure I have something that will fit you, why don’t you let me pick you out an outfit for tomorrow."

When the smaller girl started to shake her head, Cordelia held up her hand. "Oh, please, you so need a new look, and I’m just the person to give it to you." Seeing that the hacker still would not cooperate, she sighed in exasperation.

"Come on, it’s been forever since I’ve been able to give anyone a makeover. It’ll be fun. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but if you let me,
I’ll let you give me a makeover as well." Willow seemed to consider the idea, and looking up at the brunette shrugged her shoulders in resignation.
"Cool, now let’s get started, I’d still like to get to bed at a somewhat decent hour tonight." Taking the girl’s small pale hand in hers, Cordelia walked over to the walk-in closet and opened the door.

‘There is a wound inside me And it’s bleeding like a flood There’s times when I can see a light ahead But hope is not enough’

Nearly thirty minutes later, the May Queen was doing her best to convince the red head to come out of the bathroom. "Come on Willow, it looks great would you just get out here and let me finish already." The girl entered the room and stood hesitantly in front of her self-appointed fashion coordinator. Cordelia had dressed the witch in a pair of pale blue, tight fitting hip hugger jeans and a small white baby-T that had a wide blue glittery strip running across her chest with pink writing over it. The phrase read, ‘I want to be Barbie, the bitch has everything.’ The taller girl had cut the sleeves off, as well as the bottom inch of the top, exposing about half an inch of the hacker’s pale stomach above the jeans. She was currently threading a string of diamond-like rhinestones through the belt loops, clipping the end of the strand onto itself, leaving the other end to
hang loosely on her guest’s thigh. Standing, she let her eyes travel over the girl.

"There. Now, if we put some of my cream in your hair so it’ll be smooth and shiny we can just leave it down. As for your makeup, I’m thinking a lavender eye shadow with some glitter on top, and some pink lip gloss." Nodding her head in agreement with her own statement, she went back to her closet to find a pair of shoes to go with the outfit. "Ah, these will work." She handed the girl a pair of white Keds and told her to put them on. Once Willow had donned the shoes, she was lead over to the full-length mirror on the inside of the closet door. The cheerleader could tell by her expression that the girl was uncomfortable in the stylish, somewhat reveling clothing. *I honestly don’t know why she goes around dressed in
those baggy pants and fuzzy sweaters. She has a great figure, she should show it off a little, not cover it up and deny us the sight. Wow, where the hell did that thought come from?* Pulling herself violently from her internal musings, she went over and took a seat at the foot of her bed.

"You look nice, now stop fussing and do me." She’d never admit it, but Cordelia was actually enjoying herself. She loved giving makeovers and was actually looking forward to seeing what the shy girl would pick for her to wear. With one last look in the mirror, Willow turned her attention to the tall brunette seated across from her. Taking in the girl’s hair and complexion, she mentally noted that the May Queen should wear more earth tones. As the thought registered, she got an idea and turned back to the closet. She had almost given up, when she spotted a long piece of brown fabric draped over a box on a shelf above the hanging garments. Taking it down, she held it up in front of herself to see if it was long enough to work. Satisfied that it was, she draped it over her arm and looked around for a top. Not seeing anything she liked in the closet, she was about to look through the dresser when something caught her attention. Walking over to her bag, she picked up the burnt orange sweater that had been discarded earlier. Getting another item from her bag, she gestured for Cordelia, who was now wearing a questioning look on her face, to
stand.

Setting all three things on the bed, the red head raised the brunette’s arms before reaching around, and picking back up the brown fabric. Holding it up to the taller girl, she was glad to notice it was the perfect size. Holding it behind the girl, she wrapped it around the brunette’s hips twice and pinned it in place with the safety pin she had gotten out of her bag. Taking the sweater, she handed it to her hostess and turned her back so the other girl could take off her night shirt and replace it with the sweater. When the hacker turned back around, she saw that the top fit exactly how she had thought it would. Going over to the closet she picked up a pair of strappy brown sandals and gave them to the May Queen to slip on while she retrieved a hairbrush and scrunchie from the vanity. Once Cordelia had put on the sandals, she sat in the chair at the vanity and let Willow pull her hair back into a high ponytail. After she was done, the witch watched the taller girl examining herself in the full-length mirror.

She was very surprised with the way she looked, not having expected such an outcome considering who had given her the makeover. It wasn’t quite her style, but the impromptu wrap-around skirt hung low on her hips, and due to the difference in size between the two girls, the 3/4 sleeved burnt orange sweater fit her snuggly, ridding up some to show a bit of her flat abdomen.

Facing her guest, she gave the girl a small smile. "I can’t believe you dress the way you do when you have this kind of fashion sense." *I can’t believe I’m practically complimenting Willow Rosenberg’s fashion sense.* "A little brown eyeliner, some bronze eye shadow, and a light coat of brown lip gloss and this could be an acceptable outfit." Looking back into the mirror, the brunette watched the hacker’s reflection and was shocked to notice the beginning of a smile tugging at the corners of the pale girl’s lips.

Once both girls had changed back into their pajamas, they began to get ready to go to sleep, having decided that they would share the large bed. As Cordelia stretched, her silk tank rode up and the red head found herself scanning the trim expanse of the taller girl’s stomach for the injury that had marred it the last time she had seen her up close. The cheerleader caught the direction of her guest’s gaze and was unable to keep the slight smile from her lips. "It’s almost completely healed. I’m getting the stitches removed the day after tomorrow. In fact, the doc said it’ll barely even scar." She took several steps closer to the witch and held up the top to show her the few remaining stitches and semi-faint line that was the only evidence of the injury. "I, um, well, I never did, you know, thank you for that. I mean, I’ve been such a bitch and it, well it was real nice of you
to help me like that." The brunette’s smile widened when she saw the blush that colored Willow’s cheeks.

"So I’m thinking, as a thank you, I’m gonna let you keep that outfit, you don’t have to return it after you wear it tomorrow. And I know what that look is; you _are_ wearing it tomorrow. I don’t care what you think. I put a lot of effort into putting it together for you, and it looks damn good on you. So that’s that, your wearing it. If it will make you feel better, I‘ll wear the outfit you put together for me, but you will wear yours." Nodding her head in emphasis, she spun quickly on her heal and went to the other side of the bed. Pulling back the covers, she slipped into the bed and waited for the other girl to do the same before turning off the lamp.

Laying in the dark room, Cordelia allowed her eyes to wander over to the left side of her bed where she could barely make out the form of her houseguest. Although she was not quite able to admit it to herself, she had had a lot of fun with the hacker. It had been awhile since she had had fun. While she was seeing Xander, she had cut her ties to the popular crowd, but had not been able to allow herself to really become friends with any members of the Scooby Gang. Even now, back with the ‘in’ crowd, she didn’t have anyone to sit and goof around with. She hadn’t before either, but she had been used to it. After all, you couldn’t be popular and have actual friends at the same time, it just didn’t work that way. So
she had been content with what she had, she’d never known anything else. Until Xander. When she had been with him she had experienced real affection, and had seen what real friendship was like. It had ruined her and now she yearned for what she couldn’t have: a real friend. Somewhere in the back of her mind she replayed the evening with Willow behind her eyelids and a question formed against her own volition; could she find that kind of a friend in her former enemy? Could she find a friend in Willow Rosenberg? Willow gazed across the bed at the form of her hostess as thoughts fluttered around in her mind.

Guilt, sadness, despair; they had been her constant companions for weeks. The only time she had ever felt their strangle hold on her soul loosen was when a tall dark haired vampire held her, and when a tall dark haired cheerleader smiled at her. It was strange, to find solace in a vampire she had never even been actual friends with, and a girl that had tormented her through-out her school years. She knew, somehow, that Oz would never forgive her. His eyes had said that much as he stood next to Harmony in the Bronze. She didn’t fool herself into thinking that the girl not
ten feet from her had forgiven her, but the treatment she had received that evening made her feel as if it were possible. Maybe, one day in the future, she would be forgiven by the brunette. Maybe one day in the future she could find a friend in Cordelia Chase.

‘And another night surrounds me And it pounds me like a wave God help me Am I the only one Who’s ever felt this way God help me Am I the only one Who’s ever felt this way’
 

Part 7: Fear

'Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child,
Innocent, unknowing'

The golden dawn approached, rays of faint light broaching the horizon and filtering across the sky, piercing through the shadows and breaking apart the dark masses.  As night's menacing hold on the small town was once more released, the creatures of darkness were forced to retreat, seeking shelter from the fatal sunlight.  The town's citizens were stirring with the new day, blissfully unaware of their narrow escape from death's constant threat allowed them by the coming of dawn.

Rays of light shone through innumerable windows, rousing occupants and declaring the arrival of another day.  In one part of the town, the yellow glow filtered through the thin drapes of two large pane windows, bursting into the room, reflecting off the painted walls and catching the sprinkling of glitter, causing the surface to sparkle in the growing light. As it illuminated the shadowed expanse of the room, tendrils of light fell upon the queen size bed and the forms slumbering beneath the pile of blankets.

The warm glow caressed the two faces as if aware that peaceful sleep was a rarity for the girls.  The light softly surrounded them as if to offer protection from the outside world, to prolong the calm they had found in slumber, somehow knowing this luxury had so long been denied to them.  It seemed the day sought to protect the two from itself, mysteriously recognizing that the sleeping forms needed this respite from the cruel despair that had previously maintained such a strong grip on them.  The morning's light slowly seeped through the drapes, almost reluctant to commence its duties to bring in the day and break sleep's tranquil hold on the duo.  Despite morning's hesitation, the coming day could not be postponed and
the room brightened, slumber's serenity loosened its grasp and allowed the day to claim one more of its charges.

'Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort'

The cloud of sleep slowly dispersed, pulling her consciousness from the comfortable void between sleep and wakefulness.  For the first time in over two weeks, daybreak had not brought an end to troubled slumber, but from pleasant contentment.  Brown eyes opened slowly, blinking at the shaft of sunlight shining through the windows on either side of the large bed as she gradually became aware of the warm body next to her.  At some point during the night, the two had moved to the middle of the bed, and into each other's arms.  For a moment, she was unsure how she had come to be in such a position, but the occurrences of the previous night soon came back to her.  Less than a month ago, the suggestion that she would be
waking entangled with a sleeping Willow Rosenberg, would have been a less than pleasant impossibility.

Yet here she was.

Her mind went back to that day several weeks before, when she had overheard the conversation between the librarian and the two teenagers.  She recalled the unexpected guilt and concern that had overtaken her as she stood in the stacks, listening to the distraught trio discussing the hacker's rapidly deteriorating health.  Then she remembered the first time she saw the girl after the debacle at the factory.  The brunette had been sickened by the evidence of how much the red head had let herself go.  The undeniable feelings she had experienced that night had been surprising to say the least, and as hard as she had tried to ignore them, they were there.  It didn't seem right for the May Queen to be concerned for the computer nerd.  The hatred and blame she had built up towards the girl warred with the growing sympathy. Her mind's eye pictured the look of utter despair
that had covered the girl's face and the sorrow and guilt that had shone through the tear filled emerald gaze in the club's bathroom the night before.  The anger that had filled her at Harmony's words had been a shock to the cheerleader, but the disgust towards the guitarist had far outweighed her reaction to the blonde's thoughtless comments.  As she had watched him, and seen the obvious effects on the red haired witch, the realization that she might have done the same was more unpalatable than she had imagined.  She had been unprepared for the guilt that had accompanied this sudden discovery, and assumed that the urge to remove the self loathing she had felt in that instant, however unconscious, had spurred her to invite the hacker to her home.  It had taken a while for her to except that she cared for the witch, but that reality was no longer avoidable.

As vigorously as she would deny it, she had enjoyed the evening spent in the girl's company and the possibility of a future friendship with the red head was strangely pleasant.  She once again thought of the evening at the Rosenberg home when her current houseguest had tended to her wounds.  She remembered how the souled vampire had acted on not only that night, but when the cheerleader had spoken with him about Willow at the Bronze.  Her own loneliness had seemed sharper as she noted the affection between the witch and vampire.  Somewhere within her, jealousy had pierced her with the precision of a sharpened blade, striking home the harsh reality that no one cared for her with the obvious intensity those two cared for each other.

'But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to loose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in your embrace
There's, there's nothing I'd like better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give'

The first glimpse she had gotten of that type of relationship was during her brief association with the Scooby Gang.  As she had observed the close knit group, she had found herself wanting to become a part of it, but the animosity between the cheerleader and the members of the group had been so deeply ingrained that she had considered such an arrangement impossible.  Before the incident at the factory she had begun to cast that enmity aside, slowly bridging the gap between herself and the others.  But that was soon forgotten with the onslaught of hurt and betrayal she had felt at seeing the two life long friends kissing on the dilapidated canopy bed.

She had clung to those emotions afterwards, but they had gradually melted away during the weeks since she had heard that discussion in the library.  She had fought the change, but it had occurred despite her efforts to the contrary.  Now, as she lay bathed in the warm light of morning, spooning her school yard nemesis, she found herself desiring a place in the close companionship shared by the dark broody vampire and distraught red haired hacker.

She had never really had the type of close friends for which she had secretly yearned.  Sure, she had had 'friends' in the superficial crowd, but as she had once told Buffy, she was alone surrounded with people. She learned early on in life that the saying was true; it's lonely at the top.  Yet desolate popularity was all she had ever known.  From childhood she had been groomed for station, her parents had taught her to be the best, anything less was not acceptable.  She had grown used to her life, but inside her festered a longing for true companionship and she wondered if she
could find such a relationship with the brunette and red head.

This question had been forming in the dark recesses of her mind for some time, but it had not done so alone.  Developing along with it was the fear of the unknown, the fear of what would happen if she allowed the budding friendship with the two individuals to grow.

'Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
And nothing yields to shelter it from above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never ending hunger'

She had found the courage to turn her back on the life she knew once before, when she had left her 'sheep' to be with Xander and had gotten nothing in return.  She could still remember the cutting glares and biting comments she had received from her former group.  It was not only at school that she had been punished for her actions, however.

Her parents had soon learned of their daughter's social relocation and had been anything but pleased with the backlash they had experienced.  They had sat her down one evening and given her a long lecture on how her actions reflected on them and their status in the community.  It had hurt that her family had cared so little for her own feelings.  She had expected it from her so called friends, but she hadn't thought her parents would have reacted so callously.  She had always known that they considered status extremely important, but she had held on to the hope that their
daughter meant more than that; but she had been wrong. At the time, she had ignored the pain, thinking her relationship with Xander was worth it.  That was one of the reasons it had hurt so much to learn of the brunette's indiscretions with his childhood friend.

As she looked back on her time with the boy, she realized that they hadn't been quite as close as she had thought at the time.  It had been easier to blame the ruined relationship on Willow, but there had been problems between them that she hadn't wanted to acknowledge.  It is true what they say, however, hindsight is indeed twenty-twenty.  In her desperate search for a meaningful relationship, she had grasped onto what she had thought fit that description and overlooked the flaws that had existed with them.

Now she could admit that what she had shared with the fashion victim of an ex-boyfriend was not what she had been needing.  Although she would always consider her time with him special, it was just not enough. Unfortunately, it was the closest she had ever been to a meaningful, caring relationship.  The desire to reach that illusive goal still burned deep within her, and no matter how hard she tried to douse those flames, they raged on.  The heat ate at her day after day, creating a sharp pain, cutting into her heart. While she could ignore it during the day, she often found it inescapable as she lay in her empty bed, surrounded by the dark shadows of night.

As she had watched the petite red head, she had seen a familiar loneliness in the large jade pools, echoing the hunger inside her own brown gaze.  Each time she looked at the witch, the question formed, unbidden; could she find that which she searched for with the scarlet haired spell caster?

'But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to loose her in this lonely place
Tangled up in your embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
But I fear I have noting to give'

The possibility that she could finally find someone with whom she could experience true happiness, with whom she could form a real connection, with whom she could be herself, was almost too much to fully contemplate.  But it was still not quite as hard to think about as the more plausible alternative; that she would take the leap, give up everything she had so recently regained, only to loose it all once more, be alone once more.  She had found the strength once, but could she find it again?  Could she put it all on the line, risk loosing everything all over again?  For a chance at friendship with two people she barely knew, a chance at maybe even more?  She didn't know. The past few weeks had seen so much pain, so much
hurt, so much change and she no longer knew where she was headed.  Less than a month ago it had all been so simple: take back her rightful place in the school's social hierarchy, forget about Xander and the rest of the Scooby Gang, and everything would go back to the way it was before.  But the truth was, she was no longer satisfied with the way things used to be.  She had seen what real friendship, real love, was like and empty popularity was no longer good enough for her. Not when she knew what she was missing.  Not when an opportunity to have what she had never had, feel what she had never felt, have, be what she had always dreamed of: to experience real companionship, to love and be loved, to be a part of something.

She had always taken what she wanted.  Of course that had usually been a new outfit or pair of designer shoes.  Never had she imagined that the one thing she would want more than anything would be found in a petite computer nerd and a tall dark creature of the night.  And that scared her; the huge unknown right smack dab in the center of the equation. Then, of course there was the question of whether, if she did go for it, what the reaction would be.  Not the reaction of her parents, or the teachers or the other students, but the reaction of the two individuals that made up the rest of the equation: Willow, and Angel.  Would Angel shrug her off to brood over Buffy in a dark corner?  Would Willow throw their past, her bitchy school yard torment of the hacker, back in her face?  Would the girl be utterly disgusted by the more than platonic feelings growing within the
brunette.  When those type of feelings had first made themselves known to the cheerleader several years ago, she herself had been almost repulsed, thinking them unnatural and wrong.  It had taken her years to except that she was attracted to girls, and still she found herself somewhat uncomfortable with the feelings.  One reason for her current discomfort was that this was the first time those feelings were more than simple
physical attraction.

But it didn't really matter what she felt if the other girl reacted how she predicted.  And then what would happen if other people found out?  She would be shunned and tormented mercilessly at school, and probably disowned by her ever image conscious parents.  Could she risk it, for the chance to maybe have the witch accept, maybe even return the feelings?  Could she risk it, for the chance of seeing the same look in those dark soulful eyes directed at her as was directed so recently at the red head?

Her own brown orbs focused on the peaceful face next to her, running over the pale skin that was slightly flushed from the warm sunlight that fell on the girl, it's light causing the crimson strands to burn with an almost unearthly fire.  The pink lips were curled into a small half-smile as their owner remained in the safe arms of tranquil slumber, the May Queen's gaze tracing them with barely concealed longing.  It had been a long time since she had seen such an expression grace the hacker's delicate features.  The unwelcome thought entered her mind that the look would  disappear, to be replaced with the desolate pain that had resided in it's place for the last few weeks.  Her arms tightened around the thin frame as if to reassure herself that this was no dream, that the witch was indeed lying next to her with such a blissful expression on her face.

It was at that moment that the thing she had been dreading since waking took place.  The girl stirred and woke, the large eyes slowly fluttering open to pierce her with a sleepy green gaze as the body in her arms tensed.  In the emerald eyes she read confusion, and something she couldn't quite decipher.  Yet as the reality of the hacker's position chased away the questions in her sleep addled brain, the girl didn't pull away as the brunette had anticipate, but instead relaxed, jade locking with brown for a split second before turning to glace at the red digits on the small
clock next to the bed then returning to the cheerleader's face.  The slightest hint of a smile tugged at either side of the hacker's mouth, causing
relief to course through the taller girl and settle with a pleasantly warm tingle in the pit of Cordelia's stomach as hope sparked in her heart.

As Willow reluctantly allowed the heavy blanket of sleep to be pulled off her, she became aware of a soft warmth behind her.  She soon realized the warmth was emanating from a body pressed against her back as well as from slim arms wrapped securely around her.  She didn't know why, but she felt safe within this mysterious embrace and for the first time in nearly a month, felt refreshed and well rested.  She knew she was not in her own bed and had no idea who she was laying with, or even where she was.  Slowly opening her eyes she found herself looking into the face of Cordelia Chase, and the previous night flooded back to her to fill in the gaps in her memory.

Even as it sunk in that she was laying in the bed of her childhood tormentor, wrapped within the other girl's arms, the discomfort she knew she should be feeling was nowhere in sight.  In it's place was a strange contentment.  On the heels of this discovery came the reminder that she had school to attend and her eyes moved to the clock to see what time it was. Noticing that it was six, she looked back at her hostess as if to mentally relay the need to get up and get ready for the coming school day.  This attempt became unnecessary as the alarm chose that moment to activate, the sounds of some alternative rock song dispelling the silence.

Cordelia slowly lifted an arm to reach over her guest's slender form to turn off the radio.  Both girls turned away from each other, neither sure what
to say, deciding instead to get out of the large bed and begin preparing themselves for their classes.  The rest of the morning heard little conversation between them as they showered, dressed and ate.  Nor where any words exchanged during the short drive to the school. However, as the brunette opened her door, she was stopped by a quite voice from the passenger seat of the red convertible.  "Thank you."

The cheerleader turned to regard the other girl with undisguised surprise, but before she could respond, Willow opened and closed her own door and made her way into the building.

'I have so much to loose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to loose'

Part 8: In the Arms of an Angel

'Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough'

For just over a month, the relentless need had plagued her.  Threaded together with lonely sorrow, the guilt had formed a heavy cloak that she could not find the strength or reason to remove.  For several weeks she had not even considered the possibility of removing the miserable load.  She had thought of little else but finding a way to make up for her betrayal; to make it all up to the guitarist.  It had weighed her consciousness daily since the night she had been kidnapped.

As soon as she had seen his face when he walked into the factory she had willingly wrapped the guilt and pain about her shoulders and its weight had become her constant companion.  She knew only dark despair, her eyes clouded with sadness that obstructed her view of anything save her goal of redemption.  The self-inflicted torture had made itself a regular
visitor upon her heart, hardening it with feelings of worthlessness and depression.

The hope of being forgiven had faded with each set of the sun, but it had still clung desperately to her. It's hold had finally loosened in the packed club one week before, however, and as the days passed the path she had been following seemed to become lost within a dense forest of questions and doubts.

Was there indeed a destination for her to reach, or was she wandering aimlessly through woods of hopeless delusion?  Would the future ever hold the possibility of Oz's forgiveness?  She had always thought, if she'd only try hard enough, that he would eventually grant her absolution.  After what had happened at the Bronze, however, she was no longer sure.

And as her success seemed less and less likely, the logical part of her brain began to question the reason to remain beneath the dark forest's canopy.  But the menacing trees had surrounded her for so long that they had become familiar and safe.  She knew the low hanging branches and thorny bushes of her anguish, and she knew what lurked in the shadows of her despair.

Her thoughts drifted, drawing forth memories of walking slowly through the school's halls that morning.  As she had made her way to third period, the witch had run into the werewolf and blonde cheerleader.  The presently blonde young man had
looked at her with such disdain that she had struggled to recognize him as the same person she had dated.

She knew she deserved every ounce of hate he felt for her, but deep within her heart she asked how he could hate her so very much when he had told her less than two months before that he loved her.  She had seen the disgust in his eyes when he looked at her, and the possibility that the abhorrence was irreversibly strong had occurred to her.  The thought had not affected her as she had expected it to.  With the disappearance of hope for redemption had come a strange calm.  If he would never forgive her, there was no logical reason to strive for that absolution.

At the same time the thought caused fear to grow inside her.  She still held herself responsible for the pain everyone had felt because of the incident at the factory, and no matter how illogical it was to seek his clemency, she needed it just the same.

She had to have the stain of guilt cleansed from her soul before she could ever find a trail to lead her out of the wooded prison she had locked herself in. And if Oz could not do so, who could?  With her treacherous act she had wounded him, and she had wounded Cordelia.  If she was unable to look to the young man that had claimed to love her for pardon, could she look to her childhood enemy?

'And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins'

When it came to the May Queen, Willow found herself without answers.  The hacker no longer knew where she stood with the tall brunette.  The girl's actions the week before at her large home had left the redhead thoroughly confused.  For her entire life, the popular girl had treated the hacker with disgust, even when the cheerleader had been dating Xander, she had made it clear that she did not like Willow.  That fact had been figuratively etched in stone after the debacle at the factory, and yet almost a month later, Cordelia had invited her over to her house and proceeded to treat her with almost sympathetic kindness.

Remembering how the brunette had orchestrated her escape from the club, her encounter with Oz and Harmony that morning at school came back to her.  The witch had been headed towards her math class when two people had blocked her path.  Looking up from her scuffed tennis shoes, the redhead had found herself face to face with two bottle blondes in the forms of her ex-boyfriend and second worst childhood tormentor.

The two had been glaring down at her as they hung onto one another.  Willow had been unable to do anything but stand miserably beneath the weight of their stares.    Then the May Queen had came upon them.  As the brunette walked by, she had nodded her head slightly in acknowledgement as she had calmly stated the witch's name.

The chocolate orbs had quickly passed over the two blondes, making it clear that she had seen them, but she had not uttered a word of greeting.  A moment later she had reached the end of the hall and turned into her own classroom.  As Harmony huffed indignantly and Oz narrowed his eyes in annoyance, Willow had taken the opportunity to hurry past the couple and into the relative safety of her math class.

The meaning behind the girl's actions still remained unclear to her, but the hacker was grateful to the brunette just the same.  She had realized shortly after the incident that it was the second time in as many weeks that Cordelia had rescued her from a potentially painful confrontation with the wolf and his new girlfriend.

As she had slowly fallen asleep in the cheerleader's large bed several days before, she had wondered if the possibility existed for a friendship between the two schoolyard foes, and as she now wandered the darkened streets of Sunnydale, the same question assaulted her.

Her guilt insisted that she did not deserve anything but hate from the leggy brunette, but she couldn't help but hope for friendship.  The only real female friend she had ever had was Buffy, but when she was with the slayer, she always seemed to feel inferior. In some ways she felt the same when with Cordelia, but in a different way.  The inferiority she felt around the brunette was due mainly to the schoolyard social structure.  That had not been apparent in the girl's house, however.

When she had been at the May Queen's home she had seen loneliness in the coffee colored eyes of her hostess that presented a strange reflection of her own emerald pools.  In that moment years of animosity had seemingly fallen away as the hacker examined proof of how little the two girls where actually different.

While she had many things in common with the slayer, none extended below the outer surface of their personalities.  On the other hand, a feeling as strong as loneliness could join two people as no taste in music or movies ever could.  Loneliness was strangely unique in that way.

'Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel'

It was odd to think that being alone could bring two people together, but the hacker's solitary existence had indeed caused friendship to form.  The unsteady foundations of friendship between the two girls, however, was not the only relationship which had been forged from mutual heartache.  Another, stronger bond had grown.

The bond had begun to strengthen the night after her stay at Cordelia's when she had been walking through the quiet town and had encountered the dark-haired vampire.  The two spent several hours merely drawing comfort from the other's presence.   No words had been spoken; none were necessary.

Every evening since, Willow had found herself driven from her empty house to wander deserted streets in an effort to discover some small sense of peace.  That illusive sensation had been waiting for her each night within his arms.  The small girl was finding it harder and harder to leave his comforting presence after their nights together.  As she thought of the way she had spent the past few evenings, she found herself actually beginning to smile.

The majority of their meetings found them sitting on a bench beneath the shadows of some large tree in a remote corner of the park, her small frame engulfed in his strong arms.  She would more often than not cry on his offered shoulder as he whispered words of comfort in her ear.  Other times they sat silently, absorbed in their own thoughts, staring at the star filled sky or simply holding onto each other.

Once they had walked through the sleeping town, the vampire quietly telling her of his childhood in Galaway so long ago.  During those hours, the witch had discovered feelings she had thought would only be possible after attaining the musician's forgiveness; she had felt calm, safe, content.

'Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie'

The only other time she had experienced those emotions since the kidnapping had been at the cheerleader's. The evening she had spent at the Chase home had made her feel almost as if she were welcome and accepted. Sitting on the large sofa, sipping wine and watching a movie, she had felt like a normal teenage girl spending the night at a friend's house.  As they had given each other makeovers, she had almost forgotten that the brunette was her childhood enemy, almost forgotten the taller girl should have felt only hatred for her.  Once, when her hostess had smiled at her, she had felt for a moment that she was not a horrible person for what had occurred at the factory.

The next morning, when she had woken within the circle of the May Queen's arms, she had been aware of a strange sense of rightness.  It was reminiscent of how she felt when held by Angel, only slightly different. As with the vampire, she had felt special, cared for. Why she feel that way had remained unknown to her, but Willow did know one thing; she liked it.

She had liked it so much in fact, that as she lay in her bed during the ever decreasing hours of sleeplessness, she wished for the security of that embrace.  The witch had found herself falling asleep while imaging what it would be like to wake every morning to find those arms wrapped securely around her.

It had not been very long ago that she had imagined waking in the wolf's arms, but now, when she pictured him holding her she could not conjure the same feelings of contentment she could when envisioning herself within the circle of the vampire or cheerleader's embrace.

'You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back'

She could not understand why she would find comfort from the touch of a demon she had barely known and a girl she had grown up hating.  She and Angel had never truly been friends in the past, and she had been bitter enemies with Cordelia since first grade.  It didn't make any sense to the witch, and despite hours upon hours of contemplation, she was no closer to an explanation than she had been as she had rode to school in the small red convertible one week before.

What Willow found even more confusing than her feelings regarding the two brunettes were her feelings towards Oz.  She had been convinced for so long that he was the only one with whom she could be really happy, that the possibility of happiness with someone else was not easy to accept.  And yet that was what she had found; the possibility of happiness with two tall, dark, and attractive individuals.  As the thought crossed her mind, she became aware of footsteps sounding on the pavement behind her. Turning, Willow saw him approaching and was overcome with an odd sense of relief.

She had often noted that his presence made her feel that way and she was beginning to think that perhaps she was becoming dependent on these late night meetings with the vampire.  The redhead had found herself looking forward to seeing him many times in the past few days.

She drew comfort from the thought that she would soon be in his arms, safe.  At lunch time she had forced down her nausea and eaten in the hope she would see a smile curve his lips at the few pounds she had managed to gain as a result.  And when he did grant her a small smile she almost believed she was worthy of receiving its warmth.  Her thoughts occasionally drifted back to the first night he had found her crying in the park.  That night, in his arms, had been the first time since Oz had broken up with her that she had felt safe, sane, human.

'And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That makes up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees'

The only problem was that she had been a prisoner of her despair for so long now it seemed more familiar to her than contentment.  Misery had become a protective barrier between her and the rest of the world.  The girl's solitude allowed her to remain distanced from the daily problems and hardships she had previously concerned herself with.

Wrapped in her guilt and sorrow she was focused only on earning forgiveness for her betrayal and needed not worry about anything else.  Within her world of remorse and anguish there existed no fear of the future because nothing that could happen would be able to worsen her already hopeless existence.  She knew the horrors that lurked in the shadows around her: Oz's disgust, his disappointment- she saw them each night in her dreams.

Before the vampire and cheerleader offered the redhead solace everything had been simple.  Willow had known what she needed to know.  She had known that she had betrayed the person she loved, that she had caused Cordelia to get hurt, that she had ruined her best friend's relationship with his girlfriend.  She had known that she had to make up for her horrible actions.  She had known she had to earn forgiveness for her sins.  All these things she had known for certain, there had been no doubt that they were all true.

Now, however, the witch was not so sure.  The blacks and whites of her world had become gray and the lines had started to blur.  Confusion now held her tightly in its grasp and the hacker struggled to restore order.  She had to be the one at fault.  Oz had to be justified in his hatred, if he was not, if she was not to blame then the musician simply did not love her. Tears spilled from her emerald eyes at the thought that the boy's disdain might not be the result of her actions, but instead because he did not feel for her as she had felt for him.

Her steps faultered as she realized the tense in which she had placed her love for the guitarist.  She had not loved him, she insisted to herself, she did love him.  She had to still love him, if she didn't, then she had no reason to work for his forgiveness.  But she had to have a reason, otherwise nothing would make sense.

She had constructed the desolate reality in which she existed from guilt and despair and without a reason for those emotions her world had no foundation and would crumble around her.  Her fragility could not withstand such an occurrence, therefore she had to have been at fault, she had to work for the werewolf's forgiveness.  She was entirely deserving of his scorn; she was a terrible, person who must work to earn her absolution.  That reality was familiar, it was simple, it was easy.  And it had to be maintained.  She was wrong, she was bad, she was evil.  That's the way it was.

'In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And this endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie'

As she had wrestled with the factuality of her life, Willow had met up with the approaching vampire and the two had silently continued to the park where they took a seat on the small bench they had occupied nearly every night that week.  The girl was pulled from her musings as she felt a cool hand cup her cheek, its thumb softly sweeping away the salty tears marring her pale skin.  Looking up, the witch hesitantly met his chocolate colored gaze.

Angel stared down at her, concern etched clearly on his face.  "What's wrong Will?"  His voice was quiet, its deep timbre caressing her with invisible strokes.

Her eyes left his face, unable to look at the sympathy it held.  Staring at her hands she forced the word from her parched lips.  "Evil."

Angel looked at her in confusion but she would not raise her head.  "Evil?  You mean there's evil coming? Like a demon headed for town or something?"  She merely shook her head, still refusing to tear her eyes from her clasped hands.  "Then what is it?  What's evil, sweet?"  He spoke softly, his tone calm but questioning.

Her response was barely a whisper, only his supernatural hearing allowing him to detect it.  "Me."

The single word slammed into him with the force of a semi-truck, momentarily stealing his ability to speak. When he was again able to form coherent thoughts and sentences he gently but firmly forced her to raise her head, his fingers holding her chin.

"Willow, listen to me.  You are not, nor could you ever be anything even resembling evil."  Stopping, the vampire managed to steady his shacking voice.  "If anyone here is evil, its me, ok."  His only response was the subtle shake of her head.  "You are a great person Will.  You are a wonderful, caring, beautiful young woman."

Another shake of her head caused a sick feeling to settle in his stomach.  The vampire was disgusted with the creature that had caused the witch to think of herself in such a way.  "Look, Will, I don't care what that mutt says or does or thinks.  You are not a bad person.  He may be, but you are not.  You hear me? You're not!"  Willow's eyes widened at the vehemence of the last statement and Angel gently ran his thumb back and forth across her cheek in a soothing gesture.

"But-"  He halted her denial, gently pressing a finger to her lips.

"No buts.  You are a great person.  Oz is acting childish and spiteful.  You can't let him make you feel like this anymore Will.  You don't deserve to feel like this.  You need to forget him Willow."  Her head began to shake wildly, her eyes wide at the suggestion.  "You can't go on like this, sweet.  You have to put him behind you, let yourself heal."  Tears filled her green eyes, spilling down her cheeks and the vampire gathered the hacker into his arms and cradled her small frame against his large one.

Laying her head on the solid muscle of his chest, Willow cried.  She didn't know what to do.  Just ten minutes before she had contemplated the frightening, unpredictable future that would await her if she questioned the justification of her former boyfriend's animosity towards her.  But now she was not thinking of it while wandering darkened, deserted streets; now she was considering it from within the circle of the vampire's arms.

Could she put the wolf behind her?  That thought filled her with terror, but surrounded by those strong arms, the feeling was muted and distant.  However, the redhead knew that once she left the safety this creature of the night offered her, she would be facing that future by herself.  Willow didn't think she could do that.  As she had sometimes found herself doing when in his presence, the witch voiced the fear coursing through her.  "Alone."

At the whispered admission the arms tightened around her and he rested his chin on the top of her head. "Oh sweet.  You're not alone."  Turning the girl in his arms, he looked down into her face.  "I will always be here for you, okay?  No matter what, you can come to me.  Always.  All right?"

She nodded her head slowly, overcome by a rush of warmth at his words.  As she lost herself in the coffee colored pools of his eyes, Willow felt the grief and pain fall away and for a few moments she believed that she wasn't a terrible person.  She believed that she needed no person's forgiveness because this man, this vampire cared for her, and that was enough.

'You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here'

next

back