*-*-*-*
My bones ache. The demon roars. He’s angry, but I can’t let him have Spike. The demon doesn’t realize that I love him too. I love my childe. I always have, and I always will. If I thought that I could handle it, I would invite him into my home. I know that he lives in a crypt, alone. Spike never could stand to be alone. More than anything in the world, I would love to let him into my life. But I can’t. I can’t let myself go. I never want Angelus to have control. Ever. It would be disastrous. Except then, I would have my Spike back. He could never accept the soul. I wouldn’t be able to do everything he would want to do, kill and cause havoc like the good old days. Sometimes, I just wish I could go home.
I know that I’m doing good in this world. I am making up for all the pain Angelus caused. For that, I am grateful. But there are times when I struggle. Angelus almost breaks through. And sometimes, I want him to. I want my childe. I want to be able to love him the way he deserves to be loved. I only wish he wanted me. That he could still find it in his heart to love me. Even if he could love me with the soul, it wouldn’t be the same. There are so many facets of his life I couldn’t participate in. That was part of the charm of having him for a lover; we did everything together. We raped and pillaged, burnt whole villages to the ground.
And then I’d take him. Right there, on the ashes. I would pound into
him as he howled in the perfect mixture of pleasure and pain.
With the soul, all I can do is pound into him, and honestly, I’m not
even sure if I can do that. If I were still Angelus, I know that I could
love him as he deserves.
It’s better that we aren’t together now. We've both become too different, far removed from what we were a century ago.
It seems as if now all we do is strive to hurt each other. He hates me for taking his sire away, and I hate him for the feelings he rouses in me. I love him. I always will. I honestly don’t think I could ever stop.
It would hurt too much, trying to love him like this. It would destroy
one of us eventually. I feel guilt about a lot of things. I’ve done a lot
of horrible things in my life. But the guilt that hurts me most is knowing
I left my favorite childe. If I could, I would be there in his life, giving
him everything he wants and needs. Somedays I feel like letting go.I feel
like getting in my car, driving to Sunnydale, and claiming my childe once
again. I love him. The demon loves him. We can’t help it. He is so much
of who we once were, who we are now. I love Spike. God, I wish I could
let go.
//If all of the strength and all of the courage//
//come and lift me from this place//
//I know I could love you much better than this//
//full of grace//
//full of grace//
//my love//