Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Content: Cordelia/Angel, who else? Okay, so there's a little bit of Groo/Cordelia... *ducks for cover*
Summary: Cordelia comes home from her vacation with Groo and finds heartache in the hotel.
Spoilers: Everything up to and including Double or Nothing.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going.
Notes: The songs in these fics respectively belong to Anastacia and can all be found on the album called Freak of Nature. I called the series "The Home Is Where The Heart Is" because of something Lorne said in Double or Nothing. "Home is where the heart is, but these hearts are broken."
Feedback: Feedback is my drug - totally harmless, addictive and
fun!
Dedication: To my sister for showing me the three songs that will be
featured in this series. And to Lisa, for being my ever-wonderful 'fic-overseer'
and suggesting the way in which I should write this one. 'Tis because of
her you guys receive this...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"You are excited, Princess." He smiles, "It pleases me." A lot of things about me please Groo - more than I thought possible. He tells me every day that my smile is brighter than the suns in Pylea - both of them. He calls me Princess...
And I have butterflies in my stomach, because I'm going home. I get to see Connor after being away what feels like a lifetime. Okay, so I needed the break and I enjoyed it. Who wouldn't? Sitting on a beach, getting a great tan, being pampered like a Princess from another dimension (and believe me, I'd know) and the sex. Well, it's good. Better than good. He's so attentive, so loving and mine. Groo's mine. My knight in shining armour...
We pull up to the hotel and the butterflies feel like bats - I guess I missed this place more than I thought, a whole lot more than I thought. Groo pays the cab driver, wishing him a safe journey and helps me and my many bags from the cab. I insisted on coming here, how could I not? I can't wait to see Angel's face when he sees the stuff I got for Connor - he's gonna go postal, well, not totally, 'cause that would be kinda scary but... He's gonna love it.
"We're back!" I call as I come down the steps, "And we're bearing gifts!" Gifts for Connor, Lorne, Fred and...
"What happened?" They're scaring me. The place looks so dark, so unbelievably lifeless that it makes me want to cry. Where's Connor? Angel? The butterflies weren't because I'd missed this place - I knew something was wrong. Very wrong...
"Cordelia..." Fred looks at me and her eyes are brimming with tears. I wasn't here and something happened. Something bad...
"It's Connor." With two words, my world has fallen apart and the only thing I can cling to is that there's someone upstairs who needs my help. I can't fall apart because he needs me. I can fall apart later, at home, in Groo's arms...
"What happened?" I ask again. Why are they being so cryptic about this? And where's Wesley?
"Oh..." I whisper. Groo's walking towards me and he makes to put a hand on me, to comfort me. But there's someone here that needs it more than I ever will and right now, that's the only thing I can give him...
The world is changing
and time is spinning fast
it's so amazing how you came into my life
I know it seems all hope is gone
I know you feel you can't be strong
and once again the story ends with you and I
I make my way to his room, afraid of what I'll find. There's nothing I can say to make it better, so what do I hope to achieve by going up there? Nothing - I just want him to know that I'm there, that if he wants to, he can turn to me - just like I've been able to turn to him for as long as I can remember.
And anytime you feel like you just can't go on
just hold on to my love
and you'll never be alone
He doesn't turn, nor speak. At first, I don't think he can see me... All he does is sit there, staring at Connor's cot and I can feel the tears spring to my eyes. "I'm so sorry." I whisper, leaning my head on his shoulder. God help me, but I'm being selfish - drawing comfort from his presence because the child I loved like a son is gone. And hoping, more than anything I've ever hoped for before, that I'm giving some kind of comfort to Angel. His gaze drifts and I know, he sees me, he knows I'm here for him. Right now, that's enough.
* * * * *
I stayed here all night, right behind him. Moving slightly on the bed to wrap my arms around him. Angel's strong, he's always been strong, but right now, he needs somebody. I know I'm not that somebody - I know that all Angel wants is his son, back in his arms again where he belongs but we both know and don't want to come to terms with the fact that Connor's gone. Taken by a man we all loved and trusted. I don't understand why - a Prophecy, they said. I want to go to Wesley, ask him why. But to do that, would be to betray Angel - there are no questions from him, only anger and I can't blame him...
"Princess?" The voice behind me makes me turn and I move, away from Angel only intending to be away a moment as Groo hands some clothes to me, some food - my favourite. Pizza. I smile and he returns it, bringing up his hand to brush against my cheek. "You are a good friend. Staying with him at his time of need is all we can hope to do in a situation like this."
I smile... And I nod, because I know that I can't make it better. I can just be with him. "Thank you." I say quietly, gesturing to the clothes and the pizza.
"You hurt too Princess. When will it be your time to grieve?" I don't explain to him that it's already here, because I know Groo will want to be here. The only place I want to be right now, is with Angel... The only place I can imagine myself being at a time like this is with him. He needs me and though I know that I can grieve later, part of me is grieving now, with him.
"I should get changed." Groo knows I've avoided the question, but he just smiles and leans forward, brushing his lips against my forehead.
"I am downstairs, should you or Angel require anything."
"I know." Groo leaves and I turn back to Angel, watching him for a moment... He's just sitting there, staring at Connor's crib. I wonder if he's trying to torture himself, wondering 'If I'd been a bit quicker, then maybe...' Those are what hurt the most. The maybes, the what if's and the shoulda, coulda woulda's... If I'd been here, would Wesley have come to me with this? If I'd been here, would this ever have happened? Would he have took Connor?
The sigh leaves my lips and I leave Angel again, just for a moment, going to the bathroom to change.
Hold on
we can make it through the fire
and my love
I'm forever by your side
and you know
if you should ever call my name
I'll be right there
you'll never be alone
"Angel?" I ask softly, moving forward. I'm showered now and changed. "I'm right here, okay?" He's lying on the bed now, just staring at the ceiling and I know now, that he is torturing himself with this. He still hasn't spoken, not since I came back - I don't expect him to. If it were me, I'd probably be crying like a baby in his arms. But this isn't me, this is him. And Angel has to work through this the only way he knows how to work through something this bad. Alone. And that's what hurts the most.
Hopeless to describe
the way I feel for you
no matter how I try
words would never do
I looked into your eyes to find
as long as love is alive
there ain't nothing we can't make it through
I dozed off - when, I don't know - I guess I must have been more tired than I thought. Sitting watching your best friend go through something like this is the hardest thing I've ever done, probably ever will do. I swear, I only closed my eyes for just a second and...
"I think he was gonna be left handed..." I open my eyes to find Angel, still just sitting there, but this is the first time he's spoke. I move, sit up in the chair and lean forward. Is this the calm before the storm? Will he lash out? Yell? Scream... Cry? "The way he would hold on to your fingers? His left hand always squeezed just a little bit tighter -- Kid had a grip. He was gonna be a south paw for sure." Angel pauses and I stare, this isn't the calm before any storm. This is the storm. Quiet, ravaging... Inside. Where it really hurts.
"When you live as long as I do, you eventually lose everyone. I'm not saying you get used to it but - you expect it. You deal - but he was just... He was just a little..." Kid. I finish silently. He was just a little, innocent kid in all of this and he was taken away from you. You continue speaking and I want to hug you, Angel... I wish I could just make this all go away, I really do. We both know that I can't - you're opening up to me, but you're not expecting me to take it all away with a few words, a hug.
"You think you know something about living because you have this really long life. And that's really all we have, I mean, in my case anyway. And one day you wake up - and you have something else."
"A future." I say softly.
Angel pauses and I know exactly what he's going to say as soon as he opens his mouth. "I had a son."
Through the fire, by your side
I will be there for you so I'm, don't you worry
(and you know, I'll be there)
you'll never be alone
I move to sit beside him, because I can't leave him alone, not while he's hurting so much. I left him alone for two weeks and his world fell apart - I have to help, do what I can. And I know I will... Because of something I once said to Wesley. Angel's good. He helps the helpless and now? He's one of them.
"I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know what you're going through or that I could begin to understand what it is you're feeling. The last thing you need right now is someone saying that given time things will get better or the hurt's gonna go away." I pause, because this - this very moment is the one that will either break Angel, or make him stronger. But I'm Cordelia Chase, still. Tact is not saying true stuff and right now, unless I give Angel the truth, I'm doing more harm than good. I can shelter him, let him hear what he wants to - that the hurt will go away. But this is Angel. I've never pulled any punches and I'm not about to start now. "Things won't get better. The hurt's never gonna go away. The truth is, if you lived another two hundred years, you'd never forget how Connor was taken away from you. And you shouldn't. You loved your son, Angel and you'll go on loving him, and missing him. You'll go on living too. You'll do that."
"I don't know how." He whispers.
He doesn't need to know how and I tell him that. I tell him that life will keep happening and there'll be people who need us and we'll help them too. Because that's us. That's what we do, what we've always done. The bad things come and we'll keep fighting because there's no one else.
Later that night, I stood outside his room. We'd help save Gunn from his fate of having his soul taken. We'd mended the relationship of Gunn and Fred and I'd had a couple of Groo smoochies along the way. And here I was, back again. Standing outside his room, prepared to spend another lifetime with Angel, if I had to, just to make him feel better, just to make him feel like he wasn't as alone as he thought.
As I stood there, I watched. He stared at the crib, God knows for how long, until he stepped forward and took the first step to living again. Slowly, he began to take apart the crib. It hurt me, more than I care to admit, so God only knows how much it hurt him. Did it feel like he was pulling himself apart with his bare hands? I'll never know and I'll never ask. Stepping backwards, I pulled the door shut behind me, never alerting him to my presence.
Anytime, or only for a while
don't worry
make a wish
I'll be there to see you smile
As I leave the hotel, arm in arm with Groo, I realise something. Today Angel taught me something I never knew about myself. Angel taught me that I don't need to use words, or Cordelia Chase tact. Sometimes, sometimes just being there, is enough. Sometimes, just letting someone know that you're there is the easiest way to helping someone you love.
As the tears slide down my cheeks and my own grieving process begins, I realise something else. Home is where the heart is. And though my heart is broken? Because of his presence, it's starting to heal. Not Groo's or Gunn's or Lorne's - Angel's. The pain I feel over losing Connor will never stop or go away, I don't think that'll ever happen.
But it doesn't hurt so much. And that's because of Angel.
I only hope that the time I spent with him, made Angel realise the same. He'll never be alone. Not while I'm here.