Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Content: Cordelia/Angel, who else? Okay, so there's a little bit of Groo/Cordelia... *ducks for cover*
Summary: When Angel returns from underwater, he finds Cordelia missing
Spoilers: Everything up to and including Double or Nothing.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going.
Notes: The songs in these fics respectively belong to Anastacia and can all be found on the album called Freak of Nature. I called the series "The Home Is Where The Heart Is" because of something Lorne said in Double or Nothing. "Home is where the heart is, but these hearts are broken."
Feedback: Feedback is my drug - totally harmless, addictive and
fun!
Dedication: To my sister for showing me the three songs that will be
featured in this series. And to Lisa, for being my ever-wonderful 'fic-overseer'
and suggesting the way in which I should write this one. 'Tis because of
her you guys receive this...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The place looks different. I have to wonder how many lifetimes it's been since I stood here... Was it years ago? Months? Weeks? At first, I counted. Gave me something to down there, I counted in seconds... Then, I started counting backwards, just to keep myself from going crazy. Maybe I've gone. Part of me still doesn't want to believe that right now, I'm walking -- no, stumbling, I stumble -- after months of staying still, my legs are numb. My mind too. I babble a lot more. Not to people, haven't seen any - though I guess you wouldn't, down in a sewer. Right now, I remind me of Fred. Sweet, babbling Fred... I missed her.
Connor said that I was too good for death, he was right. The Powers didn't give Cordy a vision, I thought someone would come, but no-one did. No one came. I kept looking for her, kept seeing her sometimes, tasting her lips on mine... After a while, even the fish disappeared. Stopped coming to stare at the vampire banished underwater for all eternity. Has it been that long? An eternity? Could be...
Could be... I wouldn't even have known.
The sewer hatch pops open and for the first time in I don't know how long, I'm breathing air, fresh air. Nothing tinged with sewer stench, nothing with salt water... It's air. It's sweet and though I don't need it, this is something else I've craved. I didn't notice the craving until I had it back again - the one craving I had was stronger than anything else. It was her. I craved her scent, her touch, her smile... I craved her. Please let her be here. God help me, but I'm being selfish. Don't let her have moved on. Let her be mine, let her still feel whatever it was she felt that night. Let there be a reason for why she didn't save me, when she promised she'd always be there.
Let there be her.
Just let there be her...
My muscles creak and moan, just like the box did when finally, the bolts were coming undone. I tried at first, tried to force them open, to get out of there, to get to the beautiful vision I'd been seeing for weeks. Cordelia. When I felt the bolts slipping, I didn't want to believe it... Didn't want to believe it until finally, I could move my arms, until finally my legs were free -- my body was free of the confines that had kept me from the people I loved. It feels like now I'm here, as soon as I find someone solid to touch, to hold, it'll all crumble away and all that'll be there is me, just me. Alone again.
I fall into the hotel. Me, stealth guy. I fall into the lobby, hoping beyond anything that someone's there. I look. My eyes flit about the place, adjusting to the light and I speak, the first words I've spoken since I told my son I loved him, that I always would. I ask for Cordelia, I ask for anyone, but it ends with a cough. And then? There's a squeal...
I know who it is instantly - relief floods my body - and I finally let my muscles relax. God forgive me, but I let the darkness take me again. It's taken me a lifetime to get back here, where I try to belong and finally, I can rest...
* * * * *
I'm in a bed. Mine. It's good to have friends. I open my eyes and there she is, my beautiful vision girl. Cordelia. I reach out for her, pressing my hand against her cheek and - she grimaces? I guess I smell bad after all. "I love you..." I whisper, trying to clear my mind. "I wanted to tell you for so-"
"He's hallucinating." I hear Fred's voice and my vision clears. It's Fred, worried - afraid? Looking at Gunn. "He thinks I'm Cordelia..."
Gunn comes in the room, eyebrow raised, "He tried to kiss me before, y'think you've got problems?"
There must be a God because I certainly don't remember that. Moving, I struggle to sit up, feeling a hand flat against my chest, "Rest, Angel." Says Fred, softly.
"Yeah, man," Says Gunn, "You've been out for three days."
I look at them a moment, trying to memorise what this feels like. Something soft, instead of wood. Air instead of water. "Where's Cordelia?"
Her eyebrows knit together in the way that only Fred can frown and her eyes flit up to Gunn. Without realising it, a growl has slipped from my lips. "Where's Cordelia?"
"Gone..." Says Fred, "We got a call... A couple of days after you guys disappeared. The police had found her car... Cordy was gone."
Gone. Gone... Gone... Gone... Cordelia? She wouldn't just leave... Not
Cordelia.
Somebody told me
you were not coming home
the words suspended in time
and the air suddenly went cold
I climb out of bed, to protests from Fred - a renewed sense of purpose, to move, to survive, to not sit there and wait for her to come to me. I'll go to her, I'll find her... And I'll tell her the thing that I've wanted to tell her forever. I love her. Only her. I need her. Only her.
"We have to do something," I say frowning. "Our contacts."
"We've been." Gunn looks at me like I'm stupid... Of course, I know they've tried. Fred's weary from trying, Gunn too. But I can't give up, not on Cordelia. Not when she never gave up on me. "Angel, she's gone."
"No." I shake my head, feeling anger flood my body. "I'm not giving up on her."
"You think we did?" Growls Gunn, "You think we gave up on either of you? Damnit, man - we used every resource in this hotel looking for you guys. For Connor..."
I look away, down. They looked for my son. That means he didn't come back. That means he's out there, thinking I killed Holtz. What if he's hurting? Feeling remorseful for what he did to me?
"Angel?" Fred looks at me. "You guys just disappeared... What happened?"
And I tell them. Do I want to? Yes. Because they deserve the truth. They deserve to know that they can't find Connor because he doesn't want to be found.
"He did this to you?" Fred's eyes fill with tears, "He... He locked you away and- What if he hurt Cordelia?"
I can feel the anger building and I glare at Fred, shaking my head, "He wouldn't do that. Not Cordelia. She never did anything to him."
"She loved you," Says Gunn, "Isn't that enough?"
The sun is still shining
but everything feels like rain, oh
and if I had one wish
it would be to see you again
Maybe Gunn's right. Is loving me, enough to get you killed? Connor was taken away from me... And what about Cordelia? I was closest to her out of all of them, Connor knew that. But... Damnit, he said he liked her.
He also said that I was his father. Did I do this to Cordelia, simply
because she was in my life? He has to be wrong. Has to be. But I can't
help wondering if he is. Cordelia suffered with the visions, because she
loved me. What if she's suffered through Connor, because she loved me?
What if?
Nothing's fair
when we lose
without a moment to say goodbye
"Angel? A-are you ready?" Fred's standing at the door, looking nervous, ashamed. When I cross the room, she looks up. "I swear, we looked. It's been awful, these past few months, wondering whether Wolfram and Hart had done something to you all. It's been..."
"Hell." I say quietly.
She nods. "And considering I survived Pylea, being a cow, a slave and a runaway fugitive? I can safely say that this has been the worst few months of my life."
I showered. So I don't smell when I give Fred a hug. That's a plus. I hope. She hugs me back, so I know she doesn't blame me. Thankfully. I don't think I could stand blame right now. I don't think I could stand anyone else thinking I failed my family, again. Connor, Cordelia - gone because they loved me. Wesley. Gone because he tried to keep my child safe from the prophecy that I'd kill him.
You don't get used to loss. But you get used to pain. You get used to
surviving alone. And I changed. I learned to survive with my friends, with
Cordelia and now that she's gone I don't think I can survive. She was there
for me. She was there for me and I didn't get chance to say goodbye.
How come the world won't stop spinning
now that you're gone
I know every end has beginnings
but this one's all wrong
so wrong, so wrong
"Where is she?" I growl, pushing Lilah against the wall. I'm at the end of my tether. We've spent the night searching, meeting contacts who've all told me the thing I now know is true. Cordelia vanished. She's gone. At the end of my tether, stands Lilah, the woman whose neck I would have snapped to get back my son, soul or not.
"Who?"
I stare at her a moment, there's fear in her eyes, for no one knows what I'll do, not even Gunn who's come with me to stop me from doing anything crazy. Too late. Fear in her eyes, but nothing else. There's no laughter... No nothing. Lilah doesn't know. If she did, she'd gloat. It's her way.
Slowly, I release her, pull away - and shake off Gunn's hand on my arm. Comfort. He's trying to offer me that. Why? Why now? Because he realises it's futile too? The police investigated... Looked at everything in her apartment. Gunn told me - they visited her doctors. What if her 'unexplained headaches' had killed her? But even if that were true, where's her body?
Cordelia disappeared. She's gone. Gone, gone, gone... She promised me
I'd never be alone. She promised.
Nothing's fair anymore
and I know there's a better place
and I'll never stop dreaming of you
The soft sounds of sobbing draw me from my room. It's Fred. After months of just listening, I hear much better now. I've stayed in my room for days, trying to think of a clue we might have missed, of a place we didn't check but there's nothing. They've brought me up blood, but I haven't touched it. I know I'm pale, drawn - a vampire doesn't die from starvation. We just get thin, pale, drawn...
"I can't..." She whispers, as I creep closer to her room. Gunn has his arms around her, tears in his eyes too. "I can't do this. Why did he come back? Just to let us watch him die?"
The words strike me like a fist into the stomach. Don't they know that right now, they're what keeps me going? They're all I have left.
"Cordelia's gone, probably dead by now..." She whispers, "And Angel, he's given up. I just don't know what to do any more, Charles. I've tried. I just want things back to the way they were."
Gunn sighs, "I know, Fred. I know."
I draw away then, I've imposed on them enough. A deep shame fills me
and words Cordelia herself told me, ring through my ears. That I'll go
on living, the how part will work itself out - I've just got to concentrate
on what I do, helping people. Right now, I need to help Fred, I need to
help her see that I haven't given up, that I just lost myself a while...
Sweet tears are shed
this pain we lay to rest
it's hard lettin' go
but I keep movin' on
in a place I don't belong
Slowly, I make my way down the stairs into the lobby - I don't need to breathe, but right now, it's keeping me grounded. If I can concentrate on that, I can do anything. I can come back into this world and realise that I have something left. Friends. It's not my son. It's not the woman I love, but it's something, and right now, I need it.
I have to move on, Cordelia showed me that. I have to let go. Cordelia's
not coming home tomorrow, maybe not next week but I have hope that one
day she'll return.
I know every end has beginning
but this one's all wrong
It is wrong. But it's a start. And as Fred looks up at me, giving me a tentative smile - I guess I have done the right thing after all.
"A-Angel?"
The hope in her voice is enough to make me think I can do this.
Cordelia and I - our relationship ended before it even began, but we had a friendship. I'll never love another, but I'll hope. Hope is like a light at the end of the tunnel, bright, shining and hopefully, always there. She was my light, my love, my heart. It mightn't be beating, but I still have a heart. So part of me, still has Cordelia...
Even if it's just a little part, it's enough.