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Okay, ow, ow and OW again. I'd forgotten how painful these damned things WERE...and I just know I look so God damned stupid sitting rocking back and forward like this. The guy...from the bar...he has a name. His name is Ryan. Oh, lucky guy. I was in the wonderful throes of TWO more visions, when who should knock upon my door? Ryan. Ryan Kalderash. He wanted to take me to the hospital, I said no. He wanted to call an ambulance, I said no. He said if I didn't let him do the first two, he was staying with me until he was satisfied then I got the red face thing going on and it was all kindsa weird. It's times like this that I *really* miss Phantom Dennis, I mean, he didn't speak...I didn't have to deal with him asking repeatedly if I was okay and I just know that this is going to happen with Ryan...not that he's sticking around for a lengthy...amount of time...or anything, but y'know...
I sat down on the chair, waiting for the barrage of questions that never came. He never said much of anything, just asked if I was okay and gently stroked my hair. It made me feel uncomfortable. I know that...it's not him, it's me but...how could I help flinching away? A look of hurt passed across his face and he said that maybe he should go. And it was then that I shocked myself. I realised that...however much I've avoided the damed thing over the past five and a half years, I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel like I had someone that I could turn to.
I know, I'm a bitch. I had Wesley, Gunn *and* Fred, all my friends, all loved me but...did Faith ever feel like this? Did she ever feel like people were looking at her like she was a killer? I know they wouldn't have done it intentionally but Wesley's disappointment, Gunn's sad look and Fred's 'worried-yet-sympathetic' look was more than I could handle. I'm Cordelia Chase, damnit! I don't *need* sympathy!
My head feels like it's splitting apart. Were they really this bad last time around? Ryan's just said something...not sure what but...he's definitely said something, "Hmm, what?" I asked, glancing up at him.
"I said, maybe I should leave." He replied. Slowly, I shook my head, "Stay with me a while, please?" Yes, I know the rules. I didn't *ask* him into my apartment and I *still* carry a stake, my time with Angel didn't render me stupid...I waited for him to cross the threshold without inviting him and he seems normal. Jane, the manager at work wouldn't hook me up with anyone...not normal. And besides, I reached my quota on the 'not normal' already. I mean, please. There was Xander Harris, Dork and self professed King of Cretin's of Sunnydale High. Wesley, stuffy Watcher guy, Doyle, half demon, briefly, evil singing lawyer Lindsey McDonald and then there was Angel so...a varied love life then...huh? Not that I'm thinking of Ryan in this kind of way, I mean...I'm not it's just...y'know? Examining past tastes...besides, I'd feel like I was betraying Angel. That just wouldn't be fair...
*~*~*~*~*~*
"Anything?" Wesley looked up at the question into dark brown eyes. "Not yet."
Slamming his fist into the wall, his companion frowned, "How could she be so damned selfish?"
"She wasn't being selfish." Fred spoke up timidly, receiving glares from everyone but Wesley. "Well, she wasn't...she was confused...she didn't know how to live in this world...she'd been inside so long, missing the things she wanted but could never have...she wasn't being selfish." Said Fred indignantly, watching as her friend sighed, "I just wish I knew where she was." He said quietly, as the first notes of 'La Boheme' graced the office...
*~*~*~*~*~*
"I panicked." Admitted Ryan. When I look up, he's standing there, holding every kind of carrier you can imagine with Chinese food, Indian food, Mexican food...and it all smells delicious! "Uh-huh!" I laugh. "Listen, I'll pay you back as soon as I..."
"Nonsense." Our fingers brush as he hands me the bag with the Chinese food in it and the spark is undeniable. "I hate seeing under-nourished girls." He says with a wink.
~You love Angel, you love Angel, you love Angel.~ My heart screams out...but should I *really* have to remind myself? Angel's gone and he's NEVER coming back, so why do I keep torturing myself like this? The answer's simple. Because I deserve it. Blood on my hands, a pain in my heart...and a smile passing across my face...because it's easier to smile than admit that the worlds' dragging you down...