~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It surely can't be possible to wake up *this* confused, can it? For I certainly feel like everything's gone weird on me. Yeah, dumb explanation I know. I could do better but...I feel kinda groggy and...they're all standing looking over me. I guess at least now I know what a fish feels like. Why can't they look at Angel? He's the one with the big *GASP* secret! Not me...okay, so maybe I am with having the big beach ball attached to my front and all...
"Stop LOOKING at me!" I snap as I sit up. God, they're looking at me like I have three heads or something...what is his problem? He's just sitting there looking at me, sadly. I think the guys can guess that it's gonna get pretty damned uncomfortable in here right about now, because Wesley, ever my rock, shoots me an apologetic smile and leaves the room they've placed me in. Fred carries Connor and Gunn walks too, his arm loped around new girls shoulders. "So..."
He interrupts me and I'm left sitting there pretty much stunned, "Who is he?" Uh, exactly WHO'S supposed to be dishing out the questions here?
"I...uh..."
"I want a straight answer Cordelia." His voice is so cold.
Is that really my voice answering? When did I get so...weak? I'm Cordelia Chase, damnit! No...I'm Cordy...his Cordy...and he's pushing me away...
"His name was Ryan..."
"Was?" He growled.
I nodded, "Yeah, *was* I thought he loved me..." I whisper.
"You thought he loved you and...did you love him?"
"No...I..."
"What then, lust? Money?" Oh God, he didn't *really* just say that did he? My eyes fill up with tears and he just glares at me.
"Money?" My voice is colder than I ever anticipated, "Yeah Angel. That's EXACTLY the reason I was with him. Money. No...I got the sucky visions!" I snapped then, "Yeah, they left me while I was in prison, having been FRAMED for a murder I didn't even commit 'cause that girl was already dead...the guy...the FATHER OF MY CHILD was only with me to 'keep an eye on me'...so, for once in my life Angel, this wasn't about me. It was about you. I killed that girl because she killed you. I spent five years in prison, getting out and making a new start in New Jersey but I *couldn't* because I missed YOU...because I wanted YOU...I'm pregnant to a guy who was only interested in keeping me close because he knew YOU were back and he knew that my going anywhere near you would make you happy and your 'pain would 'lessen'..." I jumped up off the couch then, tears streaming down my face and I went to run out when I felt his hand on my arm. I cried out...arms are still kind of a little tender from Ryan using me as a punching bag.
Slowly, he lifted my shirt, his eyes glowing a yellow colour. "Who did this?" He whispered, his eyes softening as they met mine.
"It doesn't matter." I said quietly, "I'm out of it now." Pulling my arm out of his grasp I walk out the hotel, receiving stares from Wesley, Gunn, Fred and damn...the new girl I *still* don't know the name of...
"Why's Mommy leaving?" Oh God, the words cut me up inside. That child...he called me Mommy. But I have to keep walking. And suddenly, he's in front of me and he's crying too. "Cordy, don't walk away from me please? I lost you once...I...I can't..."
"You didn't lose me Angel." I said coldly as I walked away from him, "You can't lose what you never had."
Angel's *very* beating heart just about broke then and he watched as the woman he loved walked away, her shoulders slumped forward...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So here I am again. Back in my apartment. My 'Phantom Dennis-ed' apartment...so, I'm not *really* alone. Gunn lived here for a while, looked after Dennis as far as I can tell...how do you look after a ghost? Anyway, I got a job for after I have the baby. She...did I mention I was having a girl? Well, she's healthy and happy as far as the Sonogram pictures can tell...I swear she's smiling. Angel calls every day but I just won't speak to him, I'm torturing myself as much as I am him. "What then, lust? Money?" Those words still ring through my head. He thinks I'm still the same bitch from Sunnydale High School. Maybe I am. Angel and I *could* have been happy...but I won't let myself *be* happy. This time it isn't Angel's fault because now? I'm a firm believer in the fact that I start to get happy and things fall apart, I couldn't be more right...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Why didn't you tell us?" Asked Wesley, looking at Angel again, shaking his head.
"Because I..."
"Because you're a self-centred asshole who thinks of nothing but himself." This little interjection from Fred caused Wesley, Angel, Gunn *and* Justine all to look up in what could abject horror. "What?" Said Angel.
"You heard me!" Said Fred, "Instead of sitting here brooding in your sun-less state, you could have been looking for her! I checked this Kalderash guy out, he definitely has a screw loose somewhere and she was ALONE with him. He BEAT her when she was pregnant and all because of you. You didn't tell us you were human again, you didn't even tell your SON! Do you know how much you've missed out on with him? Almost a whole damned year and you could have been playing catch with him and NO, Angel BROODS..." She frowned. "You could have TOLD us about your Shanshu but..."
Wesley stood up to grab her arm gently, to get her to stop from yelling, when she pulled it away, "NO! I'm going to say my piece! I'm sick of shutting up round here...we've all done too much of that. You're a very selfish person Angel." She said quietly, "Connor asked all summer when 'Daddy' could take him out and you lied not only to him but to us as well and it's not..."
"I know." The words from Angel stunned Fred into silence. "What?"
"I said I know." Said Angel quietly. "And being selfish has cost me the one thing I love. When I found out about my Shanshu I felt like...like I didn't deserve it because Cordelia wasn't here and..."
Fred slapped him. Hard. Once. And shook her head, "You're a mean person. You did save me from the monsters in Pylea but...you're...you're..."
Angel sighed. "I know."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I can't sleep, everything I ever knew
Is a lie without you
I can't breathe, when my heart is broke in two
There's no beat without you
You're not gone, but you're not here
At least that's the way it seems tonight
If we could try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
'Cause baby
I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And the lonliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
I don't wanna have to try
To live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more
How can I leave? When everything that I adore
And everything I'm living for, it's in you
I can't dream, sleepless nights have got me bad
The only dream I ever had is being with you
I know that we can make it right
It's gonna take a little time
Let's not leave ourselves with no way out
Let's not cross that line
I don't wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And the lonliness that's in my heart
Won't let me be apart from you
I don't wanna have to try
To live without you in my life
So I'm hoping we can start tonight
'Cause I don't want to fight no more
I feel miserable. I want him back. I want my life back and he *wanted* it but...I wouldn't let him! Picking up the phone I start to dial the number then put it down again. And suddenly, a vision...timed with a painful contraction isn't fun but the fact that I'm going into labor is marred by the fact that I can see my daughter right now. Her name, is Alyssa Rhian Chase. I'm standing in front of a gravestone...and it's hers...and she's fighting vampires...
My daughter, the Vampire Slayer...